Monday, March 17, 2003        Edition: #2498
Top o’ The Bull to You!

BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Here’s the week’s wacked headlines from “Weekly World News” – “Bigfoot Captures Sexy Camper for His Love Slave!”, “Space Alien Mummy Stuns Scientists!”, “US Army Finds Noah’s Ark!”, “Saddam Plans to Move to France and Become the French Ambassador to the US!”, and – Happy St Paddy’s Day – “Woman Finds Dead Leprechaun in a Jar!”.
• “National Enquirer” says Ashton Kutcher, Wilmer Valderrama & Danny Masterson of “That ’70s Show” had an in-flight scare when the cabin pressure of their chartered plane began dropping rapidly and it was forced to make an emergency landing in El Paso TX. Both Masterson and Tom Hanks’ son Colin reportedly lost consciousness when a few of the emergency oxygen masks failed, but are fine now. Meantime, “PeopleNews” reports that Justin Timberlake was badly shaken after a bird flew into one of the engines of the Singapore Airlines jumbo-jet he was taking to Japan shortly after take-off. For safety the pilot decided to return to LA. (The good news is, the near-miss has increased Justin’s range a couple of octaves.)
• “Mirror” reports that Eminem has decided NOT to attend this year’s Oscars after nervous organizers asked him to perform his song “Lose Yourself” from “8 Mile” (up for the ‘Best Original Song’ award) minus the swear words. (Who’d wanna listen to all that dead air?)
• 27-year-old singer Natalie Imbruglia was reportedly the target of a weekend kidnaping attempt outside the London nightclub Chinawhite. “PeopleNews” reports that she was grabbed by a stranger, lifted off the sidewalk and almost bundled into his car. Fortunately, club bouncers pulled the petite 5-foot-3 Aussie singer to safety as the foiled kidnapper escaped and drove away. (Asked how she was felling she replied, “I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel; I’m cold and I’m ashamed, bound and broken on the floor …”)
• The UK’s “Sun” tab reports that Jay-Z split with fiancée Beyonce Knowles because – he wasn’t getting any. A friend says: “It might look as though Jay dumped Beyoncé because she wouldn’t put out. But he’s a lovely guy who treated her very well.” (To explain the situation further Mr Z adds, ”The problem is, you dudes treat the one that you lovin with the same respect that you treat the one that you humpin …”)
• 26-year-old bad boy Irish actor Colin Farrell has become Hollywood’s biggest bed-hopper since Charlie Sheen was in his heyday. He’s currently linked with “Pearl Harbor” actress Kate Beckinsale after a slew of affairs that reportedly included Naomi Campbell and Demi Moore. Now “News of the World” reveals he’s going to be a daddy in 6 months, and the ‘lucky’ woman is 33-year-old model Kim Bordenave. Farrell’s reaction? We quote – “It’s cool. I’m chuffed, so over the moon.” (This idiot could be poster boy for vasectomy, maybe even eunuchhood.)  
• Tart-tongued “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell tips the “NY Post” that the top two contestants in the latest round of the hit talent show are the big guy – rotund 24-year-old Ruben Studdard from Birmingham AL – and the guy with Prince Charles’ ears, 24-year-old Clay Aiken of Raleigh NC. For what it’s worth, Simon says Clay is the person to beat. He also reveals that Elton John is being wooed as a celebrity judge.
• And “E! Online says Liza Minnelli & fey hubby David Gest have postponed their lavish 1st anniversary bash that was scheduled for APRIL 15th. The reason? Just like everything else these days – the looming threat of war. (Translation: Too many turndowns from the 1,200 invitations sent out.)

PAIN IN THE PM:
A study in “Men’s Health” magazine says your body can withstand pain better at night because your brain produces the most pain-killers between 8 pm and 8 am. (Another argument for starting St Patrick’s Day toasts long before the sun goes down.)

SHEET FEES:
Maintenance workers at Australia’s Taronga Zoo will keep their so-called ‘poo allowance’ after an industrial relations commission agreed to uphold the bonuses for doing ‘dirty work’. Last year, zoo management stopped paying a daily bonus of $4.66 to workers who had to handle animal feces, arguing the agreement related only to human excrement. (I get a poo allowance for doing this program.)

BUT IT’S STILL GOOD FOR BREATHING:
French scientists say humans are gradually losing the sense of smell because 75% of the genes related to the ability have mutated over generations to the point of being useless. (A quick way to refute this – just stick your head into any men’s locker room.)

WOMEN ARE STINK HAPPY:
University of Pennsylvania scientists say their just-released new human biology study shows that male perspiration has a surprisingly beneficial effect on women’s moods. It helps reduce stress, induces relaxation and even affects the menstrual cycle (a quick way to refute this – just stick your head into any men’s locker room). For the study, researchers collected samples from the underarms of men who didn’t use deodorant for 4 weeks, blended the extracts and applied them to – the upper lips of 18 women! The women reported that their moods brightened and they felt less tense (at least, those that lived). Blood tests showed a rise in hormone levels similar to the surge before ovulation. (Expect lawsuits for cruel and unusual punishment now that the women know what was being wiped all over their lips.)

IRRECONCILABLE NOSINESS:
Italy’s highest appeals court has upheld a ruling that granted a woman a divorce on the grounds of ‘excessive and inappropriate interference of the husband’s parents in the private life of the couple’ – namely, her mother-in-law. Says the woman: “My husband was his mother’s slave. He would hang on her every word while she criticized everything about me, my make-up, my diet, the way I was bringing up my daughter.” The woman has been awarded custody of her daughter and a generous alimony to compensate her for not being allowed to work after she was married. The ex-husband has returned to live with his mother.

IT HURTS SO GOOD:
A UCLA neurological study finds that a small electric shock delivered directly to a certain point in the brain will make people laugh and see the situation around them as genuinely funny. (So, apparently an epidemic of electric toothbrushes shorting out simultaneously is the only hope for this morning’s show.)

GETTING A GLOW ON:
Scientists in the Bordeaux wine-producing region of France are working to develop a grape that glows in the dark so it’ll be easier and cheaper for workers to harvest them at night. (Also more visible when ‘writing your name in the snow’ after a flagon of wine.)

JUKEBOX TOPS:
“Mojo” magazine commissioned a panel to select tunes that should appear in the ‘Ultimate Jukebox’. The top pick? “Louie Louie” by The Kingsmen, a 40-year-old hit by a group of Oregon teens who spent $36 recording a demo to get a gig on a cruise ship. They didn’t get the job but a Seattle record label took a chance on the track. (What tunes would make your hot box?)

BS AMAZING FACT:
The original Guinness Brewery in Dublin, Ireland has a 6,000-YEAR lease.

THE BULL SHEET 03.17.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [52] Kurt Russell, Springfield MA, movie actor (“Dark Blue”, “Tombstone”, “Overboard”)/Goldie Hawn’s partner since 1983/Kate Hudson’s stepfather  NEXT FILM: He’ll play former US Olympic hockey coach Herb Brooks in the drama “Miracles”.

1955 [48] Gary Sinise, Blue Island IL, film actor (“The Green Mile”, “Forrest Gump”, “Apollo 13″)

1964 [39] Rob Lowe, Charlottesville VA, TV actor (Sam Seaborn-“The West Wing” 1999-2003)/movie actor (“View from the Top” [opening FRIDAY], “Austin Powers 1-3”  UP NEXT: A new NBC-TV legal drama.

1967 [36] Billy Corgan, Chicago IL, rock singer/guitarist (ex-Smashing Pumpkins-“1979″)  FACTOID: Has formed a new band called Zwan with former Smashing Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlin and others.

1972 [31] Melissa Auf der Maur, Montréal QC, rock singer/bassist (Smashing Pumpkins, Hole)  FACTOID: She’s now working on photography, one of her first loves.

1973 [30] Caroline Corr, Dundalk IRE, pop/rock/Celtic singer (The Corrs-“Breathless”) who’s expecting her first child any moment now

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “St Patrick’s Day”, when everyone becomes a wee bit Irish. It was originally a solemn religious observance to honor St Patrick (389-461 AD), patron saint of Ireland, bishop and missionary. A holiday in Ireland for 1500 years, the first recorded celebration in the USA was at NYC’s Crown & Thistle Tavern in 1756, although some say there were celebrations in Boston as early as 1737. The NYC’s St Patrick’s Day Parade dates from 1762. TODAY in NYC, 125,000 marchers will walk the 2-mile green stripe down Fifth Avenue, with an estimated 2 million looking on, the largest St Patrick’s Day parade anywhere. In Dublin, Ireland’s largest-ever parade was planned for this year, with a half-million spectators expected. In Canada, the first celebration was in 1765 in that Irish bastion – Québec City. Green is associated with St Patrick’s Day because it’s the color of Spring, Ireland & the shamrock.

TODAY the Jewish celebration of “Purim” begins at sundown. It’s a celebration of Jewish survival with costumes, noisemakers, food baskets (called ‘Mishloach Manot’ or ‘Shlach Manos’), hamantashen cookies (also called ‘Oznay Haman’), a festive meal (called ‘Seudat Purim’), and carnivals.

TODAY is the day for your “Annual Office Coffee Cup Washing”, whether your hopelessly stained, crud-encrusted and germ-infested coffee mug needs or not.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1845 [158] Stephen Perry of London ENG patents ‘elastic band’ (next day, the 1st schoolboy gets one flicked in the eye)

1996 [07] Montréal Canadien’s play 1st game in new ‘Molson Centre’

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Quilting Day
[Thurs] Teenagers Day
[Thurs] Great American Meatout
[Fri] 1st Day of Spring
[Fri] Single Parents Day
[Fri] World Poetry Day
[Sat] 23rd Razzie Awards
[Sun] 75th Academy Awards

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Anonymous Giving Week
Poison Prevention Week
National Wildlife Week
American Chocolate Week
International Goof Off Week
National Art Week
Schools Library Media Center Week
Straw Hat Week
Clean Your Closet Week
National Agriculture Week
Jobs For Teens Week
National Spring Fever Week
National Clutter Awareness Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ST PATRICK’S DAY QUIZ:
• True or false – St Patrick wasn’t Irish? [True. He was born in Wales, then captured and sent to Ireland as a slave.]
• True or false – a shamrock is a weed? [True, from the clover family.]
• What was St Patrick’s birth name – Kelly, Succat or O’Brien? [Succat. He later changed it to ‘Patricius’ while studying in a French monastery.]
• What’s the official emblem of Ireland? [The harp.]
• What famous US building is modeled after the Irish house of parliament in Dublin? [The White House.]
• Who’s taller – a leprechaun or ‘GI Joe’? [The original ‘GI Joe’ was just under 12 inches, while your average leprechaun is about 24 inches tall, according to Irish folklore.]
• What sound should you listen for in order to catch a leprechaun? [Treasure hunters can often track down a leprechaun by listening for the sound of his shoemaker’s hammer.]
• Is it legal for an Irishman to beat his ‘bodhran’ (bow-rawn) in public? [Sure, it’s the traditional sheepskin drum of Ireland.]
• How can you acquire the ‘gift of the gab’ when visiting Ireland? [By kissing the Blarney Stone.]
• What does an Irishman call his ‘companion for life’ – his shillelagh (shi-lay-lee), his whiskey jug, or his beloved wee wife? [His shillelagh. Made from blackthorn, they rarely wear out.]
• What company made the original Irish cream liqueur? [Bailey’s]
• What invention did 6th century Irish monks call ‘the water of life’? [Irish Whiskey.]
• How do you spell ‘whiskey’? [Whiskey in Ireland is spelled with an ‘e’ before the ‘y’. Scottish Whisky (or Scotch) is spelled without the ‘e.’ The same applies to the US vs Canada.]
Source for all: Irish Tourist Board

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Which do you think will last longer – the war in Iraq or the Oscars? In order to control the length of the Oscars this year, producers are limiting winners’ acceptance speeches to 45 seconds – so they’ll only be able to thank their current spouse.
• They’re going to use sea lions to guard ships in the Gulf, and they use dolphins to locate mines. In fact, you know the only animal that won’t help out? French poodles.
• They say the price of crude oil is going to reach an all-time high in APRIL. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to the cost of a bucket of KFC?

BS PHONE STARTER:
“Should the Dixie Chicks be banned from the airwaves for having a political opinion?” (Natalie Maines apologized late FRIDAY for ‘being disrespectful’ after previously telling a UK concert audience, “We’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.”)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you’re close to 40, you’ve already wasted 6 months of your life doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Looking for misplaced items.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
We leave you with this Irish blessing – may the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef & cabbage you had for lunch.

WIDE WORLD OF BS:
Welcome to this week’s “BS” samplers, including Karen Lee @ WALV Dayton TN, Mike Hamburg @ Bedford 107.9 Temperance MI, and Jen Rutledge @ KBBY Ventura CA. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new “BS” subscriber you refer!