Monday, March 3, 2003 Edition: #2488
Here Comes Your Daily Bovine Colonic!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “National Enquirer” says “The Late Show” is on a scheduled production hiatus THIS WEEK, and so far it’s not known whether David Lettermen will be well enough to return next week. He’s suffering from an eye infection brought on by a case of shingles. Shingles is a viral infection related to chicken pox, that usually results in a painful rash.
• According to “The People”, the cast of “Jackass” (Johnny Knoxville, Steve O, et al) made a drunken 4am raid on J-Lo’s suite at London’s Metropolitan Hotel. Seems they tried to get into her suite on the 10th floor but found they were barred because it required a special key. So instead, they invaded the 9th floor and partied until the hotel’s security staff intervened.
• “Mirror” reports that 22-year-old Beyoncé Knowles has been dumped by 33-year-old boyfriend Jay-Z, apparently because he’d rather hang with his homeboys. Beyoncé is currently holed up in a studio recording her solo album.
• “Sun” reports that Kiefer Sutherland has signed a lucrative $15-million deal to continue his role as agent ‘Jack Bauer’ on the hit TV show “24″ for another 6 seasons. According to reports, Sutherland will receive $110,000 per episode.
• “NY Post” notes that Bruce Springsteen proved he’s still ‘The Boss’ of New Jersey SATURDAY by selling out 3 Giants Stadium shows so quickly that 4 more dates had to be quickly added.
• Hollywood hunk George Clooney has revealed to “Sunday Mirror” that he endured cruel taunting from classmates when he was 11-years-old and suffering from Bell’s palsy. The debilitating condition left his face partially paralyzed, his left eye closed, and he couldn’t eat
or drink properly. Fortunately, as in most cases, the condition wasn’t permanent and he was back to normal within a year.
• “Star” magazine reports that ‘007′ actor Pierce Brosnan approached former US prez Bill Clinton at a Hollywood event and asked him if he’d like to make a cameo in the next ‘Bond’ movie. (“The Spy Who Loved Interns”?)
• U2’s Bono has been awarded the prestigious Legion d’Honneur by French president Jacques Chirac for, among other things, tirelessly campaigning for Third World debt relief, reports “NY Post”. (Past recipients include Jerry Lewis, Neil Armstrong, Martin Scorsese, Jerry Lewis, Ronald Reagan, Robert De Niro, Jerry Lewis, Julia Child, Jerry Lewis, and Jerry Lewis.)
• “Star” says 78-year-old acting legend Marlon Brando has lost an incredible 100 lbs in just 60 days on a wacky and dangerous starvation diet. The reclusive star reportedly became so weak from existing mostly on milk and crackers that he collapsed at his Beverly Hills home.
• And here’s the week’s ‘Breaking News’ stories, thanks to “Weekly World News” – “Magazine From Lost Continent of Atlantis Found!”, “US Military Sending Coded Messages Through Rap Music!”, and “Sexy Cop Causes Crime Rate to Skyrocket Because Every Guy Wants to Get Busted By Her!”.
“STRAIGHTEN THAT TIARA, SOLDIER!”
TODAY Sweden’s 25-year-old Crown Princess Victoria joins the army, spending 3 weeks at Swedint, the military’s international arm. A military commander says the future queen will be treated just like any other recruit, living in the barracks, learning to handle weapons and practising survival skills. When she finishes the course, she will head to Washington to study conflict resolution. (How to arrange dinner table seating when TWO heads of state are invited.)
STUART LITTLE LOVES TIM HORTON’S:
Scientists have found that caffeine has helped lower the risk of skin cancer in mice. (That, and now they run through their mazes at 50 mph!)
SEEMS JUSTICE ISN’T BLIND:
A legal study finds that the uglier you are, the more time you’ll spend in jail. Seems juries hand out lighter sentences to good looking people. (The upside is – the uglier you are the fewer ‘dance partners’ you’ll have in prison.)
ACHTUNG! YOU VILL ENJOY ZIS:
The ‘German Democratic Republic Fun Park’, a theme park that lets visitors travel back in time to communist East Germany is being built in Berlin. Visitors will pay about $13 to spend a day watching old news programs and films, enjoying a GDR-style lunch, and riding in the infamous Trabant cars, which were generally mocked as being made almost entirely from plastic. A spokeswoman says the idea is create a space where you can experience ‘everyday GDR culture’. (For instance, for an extra 20 euros you can be tortured and have the crap beaten out of you by East Germany’s infamous Stasi secret police.)
MONEY BACK GUARANTEE:
TODAY is the deadline for music fans to register for their $5 share of a settlement from a lawsuit that accused major record labels and retailers of colluding to set minimum prices. Anyone who bought at least one CD, cassette or album between 1995 and 2000 can register for a their 5-buck cut. One hitch – you have to be a US resident.
NET: http://musiccdsettlement.com/
STOCKY DOCS:
A new study shows that patients are less likely to take their doctors advice if doctors are obese. (Unless, of course, they suggest a good restaurant.)
DUH-N-A:
According to leading geneticist Dr James Watson, who helped unravel the structure of DNA, science should be trying to find a cure for – stupidity. The controversial Nobel Prize winner says being a dimwit is simply the result of bad luck in the genetic lottery, something that could be avoided with gene therapy or pre-natal testing for low intelligence. According to the gene doc, “If you are really stupid, I would call that a disease.” (And it seems to be communicable.)
MARCH IS ‘ON-HOLD MONTH’:
What do you like to hear when you’re put on hold? A recent survey finds that most people (61%) prefer to hear music through the phone. 22% want silence, and 3% want to hear talk radio. (Interesting that NO ONE chooses to hear a recorded zombie voice offering 87 different choices on a keypad menu.)
SPEL CHEK:
Personnel executive Robert Half has compiled a collection of goof-ups made by job applicants on résumés. Some of his more amusing finds include –
• “I am a RABID typist.”
• “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining COMPOSER.”
• “Operated Pitney BONES machines.”
• “Served as assistant SORE manager.”
• “Hope to hear from you SHORTY.”
• “Typing Speed: 756 wpm.”
BS SHOCKING FACT:
The average person uses approximately 57 sheets of toilet paper each day!
Source: “Strange But True”
THE BULL SHEET 03.03.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [45] Miranda Richardson, Southport ENG, movie actress (“The Hours”, “Chicken Run”, “Sleepy Hollow”)
1970 [33] Julie Bowen, Baltimore MD, TV sit-com actress (Carol Vessey-“Ed”)
WRONG! MARCH 13
1976 [27] Danny Masterson, Albertson NY, TV sit-com actor (Steven Hyde-“That ‘70s Show”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Canada] 2002 RRSP deadline
TODAY is “National Anthem Day” in observance of the bill designating “The Star Spangled Banner” as our national anthem being passed by Congress and signed into law by President Hoover on this date in 1931.
TODAY is “Shrove Monday”, also known as “Lundi Gras” (Fat Monday), and “Rose Monday” in Germany & Austria, where groups of ‘Faschingsanger’ (carnival singers) recall the funny and stupid events of the past year. Processions of decorated floats, regiments of ‘Fools Guilds’ in traditional uniforms, brass bands, horses & costumed groups wind through city streets.
TODAY is “I Want You To Be Happy Day”, a day to show love, care and concern for others. (Tomorrow is “Get Real, Loser, I Was Only Kidding Day”.)
THIS WEEK is officially “Working Dog Week”, to honor dogs working for humanity. Ask listeners about unusual dogs with jobs they’ve come across. (Ours is an engineer – in charge of toilet overflow prevention.)
THIS WEEK is “National Procrastination Week”.
THE BS PROCRASTINATOR’S CREED:
• If at first I don’t succeed, there’s always next year.
• I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
• I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
• I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
THIS MONTH is “National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month” as declared by the group “Parenting Without Pressure”, who have the misguided notion that your teen knows nothing. (Things you might want to ask your teen – “Which body piercings do you find most enhance sexual pleasure?”, “Do threesomes get confusing?” and “What’s it like with someone over 40?”)
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1998 Faith Hill releases hit single “This Kiss” / Madonna releases Grammy-winning “Ray of Light” album
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1875 [128] By some accounts, 1st recorded ‘hockey game’ is played (Montréal)
1919 [84] 1st ‘international air mail service’ (Seattle WA-Victoria BC)
1923 [80] 1st issue of “Time” magazine is published
1939 [64] 1st live ‘goldfish swallowing’ sets off fad (Lothrup Withington Jr-Harvard U) FACTOID: The world record is 199.
1978 [25] 1st ‘aerobic dance lessons’
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Pancake Day / Mardi Gras
[Tues] Unique Names Day
[Wed] Mother-in-Law Day
[Wed] Ash Wednesday
[Thurs] Stop Bad Service Day
[Sat] Aunts Day
[Sat] International (Working) Women’s Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Newspaper Education Week
Drug & Alcohol Awareness Week
National School Breakfast Week
Save Your Vision Week
Human Resources Week
Professional Pet Sitters Week
Detect a Leak Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If someone tells you you’re photogenic, does that mean you’re better looking in pictures than
in real life?
• If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
• How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
• What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless – or naked?
• When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
• Why would schools use a 3-day suspension to punish kids for skipping?
BS ANATOMY QUIZ:
Are the following statements about various body parts true or false?
• Human fingernails contain the fastest growing animal cells in nature. (F. The cells which make up the antlers of a moose are.)
• Ingrown toenails are hereditary. (T. Thanks, mom!)
• The lifespan of your tastebuds is just 10 days. (T. But we bet it’s less if you eat Thai food.)
• The only bone not broken so far during any reported ski accident is one located in the inner ear. (T)
• A whale’s penis is called a ‘whopper’. (F. A ‘dork’.)
• Cat’s urine glows under a blacklight. (T. How bored was the person who discovered this?)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 97% of us say we do this better than others.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Drive.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
School is where you always try to do your best … except when your friends are watching.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome aboard to “BS” samplers this week that include Robin Banks @ KISS 100 London UK, Gordie Daniels @ WLLD St Petersburg FL, and Frank Cilliardhowman @ K-ROCK Baldwin NY. Tell a friend about “BS” and we’ll give you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new subscriber you refer!
