Monday, March 25, 2002 Edition: #2260
Now With More Bull And Less Sheet!
THE WEEK’S TRASHIEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “College Panty Raids Are Back!”
• “Lying to Women is OK Say Experts – Gals Can’t Handle the Truth!”
• “Clinton to Head All-Girl School!”
• “Saddam’s Gay Lover Tells All!”
• “Hickeys Really DO Cause Cancer!”
OTHER TABLOID TIDBITS:
• UK’s “Sun” tab reveals that U2 guitarist The Edge will wed Morleigh Steinberg, his American live-in girlfriend and mother of his 2 children, this JUNE. The pair met while U2 was touring the US in 1992 and Steinberg was hired to belly-dance with Bono during the song “Mysterious Ways” (aw, ain’t it romantic?). Hardest part about arranging the wedding was finding a hole in U2’s exhausting schedule.
• “E! Online” notes that Tom Green became the first actor to ever accept a ‘Razzie Award’ in
person SATURDAY, giving himself a red carpet welcome to accept the 5 awards picked up by his gross-out comedy “Freddy Got Fingered” as the worst movie of the past year.
• “Star” says 36-year-old pregnant actress/model Liz Hurley has gone from 120 to 152 lbs and expanded from a size 2 to a size 12 while carrying her bundle of joy that’s due in MAY. What’s she hoping for? “I want a mama’s boy who sits on my knee all day and tells me he loves me,” she says.
• And picture this pixy pregnant — “Mirror” reveals that stupormodel Kate Moss is expecting her first child in OCTOBER. A bit of a surprise apparently because she and her 30-year-old publisher boyfriend Jefferson Hack hadn’t planned to start a family yet. The two first met at a trendy party where he reportedly used the scintillating pick-up line: “You smell of pee.”
• According to “National Enquirer”, Liza Minnelli’s recent circus ceremony in NYC was most likely the wackiest showbiz wedding ever. As evidence, the tab notes the groom wore makeup, Liz Taylor forgot her shoes, Robert Wagner wandered into the ladies room, Joan Collins dissed David Hasselhoff and Pee-wee Herman wore pink tights!
• Marlon Brando tells ”Star” he intends to live to be 100 and have himself cloned. (Can they clone genes in ‘extra-large’?)
• More evidence J-Lo’s become the diva of divas — on the Malibu Beach set of the crime thriller “Gigli”, co-starring Ben Affleck, ”Star” reports she had a gigantic bodyguard CARRY her everywhere and eventually back to her car in the parking lot. Why? She didn’t want to get sand on her fancy schmancy shoes!
• Aussie pop star and famous tush Kylie Minogue tells “Sunday People” she will still be wearing hot pants when she’s 70. (Ewww, thanks for the warning.)
• “E! Online” reports that Britney Spears accidentally set fire to her NYC apartment, fortunately causing only minimal damage. (But to be safe, she’ll no longer keep carrying a torch for Justin.).
• Relatives of JM Barrie, creator of “Peter Pan”, are upset by plans to make a movie about his life. Johnny Depp has been lined up to play the author in the upcoming bio-film “Neverland”, and the film will reportedly focus on Barrie’s questionable relationships with fatherless boys. The writer’s cousin tells “Sunday Express” — “I would rather his memory was left untouched.” (Not to mention the boys — no wonder the movie’s called “Neverland”. Is Michael Jackson’s new movie company producing this?)
OSCAR EXCESS:
• The most expensive piece of jewelry at the Oscars — a $27.5-million necklance worn by “Mulholland Drive” actress Laura Harring. The necklace features a 76.5 CARAT diamond that dates from the 17th century and was on loan form jeweler Alfred J Molina.
• The most expensive gown at the Oscars — a $5-million, diamond-studded, nude-colored number worn by “E!” entertainment channel co-anchor Jules Asner as she reported from the red carpet. The gown is scheduled to be auctioned for charity.
• While stars who shine less brightly are required to return their rentals and loaners, ‘Best Actress’ nominees like Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman get to KEEP the $10,000 gowns and $25,000 diamond earrings they wore.
LOQUACIOUS LAUNDRY:
Electrolux Corp is launching the ‘world’s first talking washing machine’ in India after a marketing study showed that Indians want a washer that reassures them and tells them what to do next. The hi-tech appliance has a vocabulary of more than 90 English and Hindi phrases accompanied by the tinkling of piano keys or a trumpet fanfare, including ‘drop the detergent’, ‘close the lid’ and ‘relax’. (And especially for men – ‘Hey moron, you don’t put the dark colors in with the whites!’)
PRICEY PIC:
The French National Library has shelled out $443,220 for the world’s oldest known photographic image, made in 1825, which shows an unknown man leading a horse. It was made by Nicephore Niepce, the inventor of photo-engraving. (The Queen Mom/Bob Hope/Strom Thurmond can be clearly seen in the background.)
GABBING & DRIVING DON’T MIX:
A new study by Direct Line Insurance confirms what we already knew – drivers talking on cell phones are dangerous. But here’s what’s surprising – the study shows that yakking drivers are actually more dangerous than drunk drivers. Tests conducted by the UK’s Transport Research Lab show that drivers’ reaction times were an average 30% slower when talking on a hand-held phone than when they had been drinking alcohol to exceed the legal limit. They were also less able to maintain a constant speed and found it harder to keep a safe distance from the car in front.
ODORLESS APPEAL:
A newly-released San Francisco State University study finds that lacing women’s perfume with a synthetic pheromone seems to increase their sexual attractiveness to men. When added to their regular perfume, the odorless body chemical led to an increase in sexual encounters for about 75% of female test subjects. The increased activities included kissing frequency, sleeping next to a partner, affectionate petting, formal dating and sexual intercourse.
WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• A health organization in Western Australia has come up with an innovative way of promoting safe sex in Aboriginal communities — hanging condoms on trees where locals hang out! Seems Aboriginals are embarrassed about getting condoms from a drug store (like anyone else), but up to 3,000 per month are picked from the trees!
• To protest new Canadian gun registry laws, Brian Buckley of Oak Lake, Manitoba has successfully registered his — soldering gun. He says when he got back a registration card with the make of gun listed as a ‘Black & Decker/Weller’, he couldn’t believe his eyes. The joke may backfire however as he could now face a $2,000 fine and up to 5 years behind bars.
• In New Zealand, the owner of a stolen BMW recovered by police can’t crack its hi-tech security code to get inside. The thieves kept the keys after dumping the $93,000 7-series at an airport. Police are now waiting for a master key to arrive from Germany. (If you own a Bimmer worth that much, you’d think you could fork out a couple bucks for spare keys.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.25.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [61] Aretha Franklin, Memphis TN, ‘Queen of Soul’ with 15 Grammys (“Respect”, “Chain of Fools”)/first woman inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame [1987]/her voice has been designated a ‘natural resource’ of the state of Michigan
1947 [56] Elton John (Sir Reginald Dwight), Pinner ENG, pop/rock singer (“Something About the Way You Look Tonight”, “Candle in the Wind”)
1964 [39] Lisa Gay Hamilton, NYC, TV actress (Rebecca Washington-“The Practice”)
1965 [38] Sarah Jessica Parker, Nelsonville OH, TV actress (Carrie Bradshaw-“Sex and the City”)/film actress (“State & Main”, “Dudley Do-Right”)
blues singer/guitarist Jeff Healy is 37
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY Greek communities around-the-world are celebrating “Greek Independence Day”, the
anniversary of the country’s proclamation of independence in 1821 after four centuries of Turkish occupation. The largest independence day parade is held in Athens. (But there’s no doubt a big bash happening in a restaurant not far from you.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
0031 [1971] 1st ‘Easter’, according to calendar-maker Dionysius Exiguus
1934 [68] 1st ‘Masters’ golf tournament held in Augusta GA
1954 [48] RCA markets 1st ‘color TV’ set ($1,295)
1982 [20] 1st NHLer to score ‘200 points in a season’ (Wayne Gretzky)
1986 [16] 1st figure skater to land a ‘quadruple jump’ in competition (Canada’s Kurt Browning)
1996 [05] Redesigned, hard-to-copy US $100-bill 1st goes into circulation
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Legal Assistants Day
[Wed] Passover (begins at sundown)
[Thurs] Something On A Stick Day
[Fri] Good Friday
[Sat] Doctor’s Day
[Sat-Mon] NCAA Final Four (Atlanta)
[Sun] Easter
National Cleaning Week
Parents Without Partners Month
Humane Education Awareness (something to do with less homework?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS FACTS ABOUT MEN:
• If it’s attention you want, never get involved with a man during any playoff season.
• Men don’t get cellulite, proving God might just be a man.
• Proof men own basketball teams: Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
• Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. Women gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause — you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
• You should never try to teach a man how to do anything in public. They can learn in private, in public they have to KNOW.
• Statistics show that men get into twice as many car accidents as women, yet all men think they are great drivers.
• Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: Depressing and more
depressing. Men also have two types: Nerdy and not nerdy.
OVERHEARD AT THE OSCARS:
• “And the winner is–owww! Paper cut!”
• “I just saw Russell Crowe backstage making Whoopi!”
• “And the Oscar goes to Mariah Carey for “Glitter”. Just kidding Mariah, sit your loony ass down.”
• “Get these hookers outta here! Oh sorry, are they singing that “Moulin Rouge” song AGAIN?”
• “I don’t care if she wins, no way I’d name my kid ‘Sissy’.”
• “Hey look! Price and Waterhouse are getting it on!”
• “Whew! Stay outta the ladies room if you don’t wanna die from Bridget Jones’ diarrhea!”
• “Yes as a matter of fact Mr Ebert, I AM going to finish this sandwich.”
• “Hey! Get your hand out of . . . oh, Mr Crowe, so nice to meet you.”
• “Due to the length of the awards, ‘Canada AM’/’Good Morning America’ will be delayed a half hour.”
• “Hey, quit licking my Oscar!”
PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the one thing you can’t seem to get your significant other to understand?”
• “What was the one food that you hated but your parents made you eat anyway?”
TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true of just a load of BS?
• Golf balls first had ‘pimples’ before changing to ‘dimples’. (TRUE)
• As well as 8 arms, an octopus has 8 hearts. (BS, but they do have 3!)
• All the swans in England are property of the Queen. (TRUE. Messing with them is a serious offense. The same is true of sturgeon fish.)
• Diamonds are the most valuable gem. (BS. A large flawless emerald is worth more than a similarly large flawless diamond.)
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance. (TRUE)
• Venetian blinds were invented in Venice, Italy. (BS. They originated in Japan.)
• Ancient Romans ate flamingo tongues and considered them a delicacy. (TRUE)
BS TAG LINE:
Statistics can be used to support anything, especially statisticians.
