Friday, March 15, 2002 Edition: #2254
Your Daily Check-Up From the Neck-Up!
REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF MY KIDS TAUGHT ME:
• It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
• If you’re going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
• Ask ‘why?’ until you understand.
• Make up the rules as you go along.
• If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
• Save a place in line for your friends.
• Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
• If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
• Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
• Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
• There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
• If your dog doesn’t like someone, you probably shouldn’t either.
• Toads aren’t ugly, they’re just toads.
• Don’t pop someone else’s bubble.
• If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you’ll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
• You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game.
• Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
• Make your mother proud of you.
BS ‘WHYZITS’:
• Whyzit when women hold off from marrying we call it ‘independence’ but when men do we call it ‘fear of commitment’?
• Whyzit there is a need to nail down lids of coffins?
• Whyzit signs that say ‘Slow Children’ have a picture of a kid running?
• Whyzit buses always turn up within seconds of you lighting a cigarette?
• Whyzit they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Whyzit if blind people wear dark glasses, deaf people don’t wear earmuffs?
• Whyzit women marry men hoping they will change but men marry women hoping they won’t?
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
TODAY the “Real Guns of Reel Heroes” exhibit opens at the National Rifle Association HQ in Fairfax VA, featuring guns used by movie stars like Mel Gibson, Will Smith, John Wayne, Frank Sinatra and, of course, NRA prez Charlton Heston (why not include Kurt Cobain’s shotgun and P Diddy’s pistol?) . . . TOMORROW is the Liza Minnelli circus — er make that wedding — in NYC to producer David Gest, an orgy of excess that will include a custom-designed Bob Mackie wedding gown in off-white (after all, it’s her 4th trip down the aisle), Michael Jackson sharing ‘Best Man’ duties with brother Tito (snort!), Elizabeth Taylor as maid-of-honor (not using ‘maid’ in the Biblical sense), Mia Farrow & Chaka Khan among the bridesmaids (bride & groom have 15 attendants — EACH), Whitney Houston singing “The Greatest Love of All” (if she shows up – clean & sober), a reception with 54 ACTS with a 60-piece orchestra, and invitees that include Elton John, Anthony Hopkins, Michael Douglas, Liam Neeson, Diane Sawyer, rock group KISS, Donny Osmond, Phyllis Diller, and Donald Trump (this soon-to-divorce couple met while Liza was appearing on Gest’s production of “Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Celebration”) . . . SUNDAY the WWF’s “Wrestlemania 18″ invades Skydome in Toronto, highlighted (using the term loosely) by Hollywood Hulk Hogan’s first bout in a year, a lamb-to-slaughter challenge against the WWF’s #1 meal ticket, The Rock . . . Idle rich girl Princess Stephanie of Monaco has reportedly ended her year-long relationship with the director of the Swiss national circus (she found out he was a latent sword-swallower) . . . Britney Spears says she’s considering coming out with her own clothing line (she might as well sell ‘em if she ain’t gonna wear ‘em) . . . Isn’t it romantic that BSB’s AJ McLean met his newly-announced fiancée Sarah Martin — in a karaoke bar? . . . Security in the editing suite of the next “Lord Of The Rings” movie (opening DECEMBER) is so tight that employees are only allowed to refer to the film by the code name ‘Three Foot Six’.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Robert De Niro & Eddie Murphy star in the action-comedy ”Showtime”, a spoof of ‘buddy cop’ movies in which two very different cops are forced to team up on a new reality-TV cop show . . . The animated family comedy-adventure “Ice Age” is about a sabertooth tiger, a sloth, and a wooly mammoth who try to return a lost human infant to his tribe (features Ray Romano as ‘Manfred the Mammoth’) . . . Milla Jovovich stars in the sci-fi thriller “Resident Evil”, about a special military unit that fights an out-of-control supercomputer and hundreds of scientists who’ve mutated into flesh-eating creatures.
A BIG TO-DO:
In a new survey of homeowners, 75% of respondents say they keep some sort of ‘to-do’ list for household chores. 50% have at least 3 items on the list, and 10% have 10 tasks or more. So what’s the weirdest chore in your ‘job jar’? What unfinished job’s been on your ‘to do’ list the longest? How long? (Surprise the worst procrastinator by arranging to have the job done for them.)
HOW DO YOU GET THE DAMN THINGS LIT?
Robert Brynin’s new book claims eating tomatoes makes it tougher to quit smoking. His just-published “How Can You Expect to Stop Smoking If You Eat Tomatoes?” documents medical evidence that some smokers are also sensitive to tomatoes. Why? The tomato plant is related to the tobacco plant, both being in the nightshade family. When you stop smoking, your body still craves tobacco or anything that closely replicates it — like a tomato. (So Einstein, why not get people to quit puffing and start a tomato habit? Isn’t this a GOOD thing?)
NEW BS GIZMOS:
• A Chicago inventor has developed a new stick-on patch as an alternative to Viagra. Alan Hirsch claims certain combinations of odors increase blood flow to the ‘key parts of the male anatomy’. So his scratch-and-sniff patches are designed to emit the ‘most effective’ odors — lavender, pumpkin pie, doughnuts and licorice. (What, no pigskin?)
• Wonderbra has developed a new ‘all-chocolate bra’. Yes, it’s edible. (It crosses your cholesterol-plugged heart. And for new moms comes in milk chocolate.)
• Inventor Stuart Stebbings has a patent for his revolutionary new ‘Cheese-Filter Cigarette’. (Comes with the warning “Health Canada has determined that smoking parmesan is bad for your health . . .”)
ROCK & ROLL POLL:
The new book “Rock And Roll At 50: A History In Pictures” from Life Books features a survey asking the ‘100 Greatest Rock ‘n’ Rollers of All Time’. Here’s the top 5 –
• Elvis Presley
• The Beatles
• Bob Dylan
• James Brown
• The Rolling Stones
(Obviously the poll was conducted in a seniors’ home.)
WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• New British research suggests that chewing gum can in fact make you smarter. Seems the repetitive chewing motion has a positive effect on cognitive tasks such as thinking and memory. (No wonder it’s so hard for [your-co-host] to walk and chew gum at the same time.)
• A man in Calcutta, India has finally been called for an interview for a government job he applied for — 34 years ago. He applied as a teenager, now he’s 52 and too old to take the job! (And besides, he can’t fill out the employee form until his birth certificate arrives.)
• THIS WEEK in Australia they’ve been using sniffer dogs and X-ray machines to crack down on the illegal import of – shamrocks for St Patrick’s Day. Why? Some types of shamrock spread plant diseases and some are just weeds that could threaten Oz’s unique ecosystem.
THE BULL SHEET 03.15.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [59] David Cronenberg, Toronto ON, weird filmmaker (“eXistenZ”, “Crash”) NEXT FILM: The thriller “Spider”, starring Ralph Fiennes & Miranda Richardson, opening in OCTOBER
1968 [34] Mark McGrath, Hartford CT, pop singer with 13 tattoos (Sugar Ray-“Every Morning”, “Fly”)
1972 [30] Mark Hoppus, San Diego CA, rock musician (Blink 182-“First Date”, “Josie”)
1975 [27] Darcy Tucker, Castor AB, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1977 [25] DJ Joseph Hahn, Glendale CA, rock musician (Linkin Park-“In the End” from “[Hybrid Theory]”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [76] Jerry Lewis (Levitch), Newark NJ, movie actor (the original “Nutty Professor”)/MD fund raiser (for a guy who’s done so much charity work, he sure has the reputation of being a jerk)
1949 [53] Victor Garber, London ON, TV actor (SD-6/CIA Agent Jack D Bristow-“Alias”)/Broadway actor (“Damn Yankees”)/movie actor (“Sleepless in Seattle”, “Titanic”)
1951 [51] Kate Nelligan, London ON, film actress (“The Cider House Rules”, “US Marshals”)
1954 [48] Nancy Wilson, Seattle WA, classic rock singer (Barracuda”, “Magic Man”)
1967 [35] Lauren Graham, Honolulu HI, TV actress (Lorelai Gilmore-“Gilmore Girls”)
1971 [31] Greg Johnson, Thunder Bay ON, NHL center (Nashville Predators)
SUNDAY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [51] Kurt Russell, Springfield MA, movie actor (“Vanilla Sky”, “Stargate”)/Goldie Hawn’s partner/Kate Hudson’s stepfather NEXT FILM: The LAPD cop drama “Dark Blue”, opening SEPTEMBER 27
1964 [38] Rob Lowe, Charlottesville VA, TV actor (Sam Seaborn-“The West Wing” [2001 and 2002 SAG Awards for ‘Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series’])
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the “Ides of March”, when Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC. It’s also the tongue-in-cheek observance “National Brutus Day”, recognizing the fact that no matter where you work, there’s as much backstabbing, plotting and intrigue as there was back in ancient Rome. The word ‘ides’ simply means ‘middle’, so we can have the Ides of May, the Ides of July, or even the Ides of Chocolate Pudding. There’s nothing unlucky about it — unless you’re name happens to be Caesar.
TODAY is “Absolutely Incredible Kid Day”, when we’re encouraged to tell our kids how great they are. Sounds corny, but do it! It’s a helluva investment in the future.
SUNDAY is “St Patrick’s Day”, the Irish national holiday that began as a ‘solemn religious observance’ to honor St Patrick (389-461 AD), patron saint of Ireland, bishop and missionary, who purportedly drove the snakes out of Ireland. It’s been an Irish holiday for 1500 years, first celebrated in Canada in 1765 in Québec City. The world’s largest St Patrick’s Parade is in NYC where over a million spectators and 100,000 participants are expected. A tradition since 1762, the 2-mile parade lasts about 6 hours.
the first US celebrations were in Boston by the ‘Charitable Irish Society’ in 1737, and at NYC’s Crown & Thistle Tavern in 1756.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1869 [133] Cincinnati Red Stockings become 1st ‘pro baseball team’
1892 [110] 1st ‘escalator’, the ‘Reno Inclined Elevator’ (next day, 1st user strangled by long scarf)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1970 [32] 1st NHL defenceman to accumulate 100 points in a season (Bobby Orr-Boston Bruins)
1997 [05] 1st American player to score 500 NHL goals (Joe Mullen-Pittsburgh Penguins)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Clean Your Closet Week (that could take a week)
[Mon] Supreme Sacrifice Day (is this going to involve a long diatribe from your parents?)
Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week (“Stand clear!” ZAP!)
Humorists Are Artists Month (and this morning’s show is your masterpiece)
Deaf History Month (I SAID IT’S . . . oh never mind)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What would you like to ‘take with you’ in your coffin?” (Batesville Casket Co of Batesville IN now makes coffins with drawers for tucking away items of sentimental value. Among the items mourners have stashed — baseball jerseys, winning poker hands, bingo markers and golf balls.)
APRIL FOOLS TOOLS:
RJL Software has a CD-ROM with 25 “April Fools” computer pranks and gags. Just plop it in someone’s PC to give them heart attacks with ‘Fake Delete’ or the ‘Blue Screen of Death’.
They promise a ‘high-spirited’ interview, promo copies and radio giveaways.
PHONER: 847-669-8061 (RJ Lindelof, Lake in the Hills IL)
E-MAIL: rjlsoftware@rjlsoftware.com
NET: http://www.rjlsoftware.com/cd
DOG’S BREAKFAST:
Here’s a fun bit courtesy of Graham Mack @ Century FM Manchester UK — once a week (Friday morning?) bring in your pet dog to make predictions. The pooch gets a choice of 3 marked bowls of food. Whichever it eats from first is his official ‘prediction’. Predict sports (by marking the bowls ‘win’, ‘lose’, ‘tie’), weather (‘cloudy’, ‘sunny’, ‘rainy’), or maybe predict who’ll be voted off TV reality shows. Keep track of Fido’s forecasts vs the ‘experts’.
FACT OR CRAP?
Two of the following are facts, one is total BS. But which one?
• The first computer was wood burning. [BS]
• The first ‘portable’ calculator weighed two and a half pounds.
• The first VCR was the size of a piano.
BS ST PAT’S TRIVIA:
You’re in a pub in Dublin, Ireland on St Patrick’s Day, but you have laryngitis so you’re forced to write down your order of a double Irish whiskey for the bartender. How do you spell ‘whiskey’? [Whiskey in Ireland is spelled with an ‘e’ before the ‘y’. Scottish Whisky (or Scotch) is spelled without the ‘e.’ The same applies to the US vs Canada.]
BS JOKE FILE:
• I had a terrible nightmare — I dreamed I was face-to-face with God and He asked me to spell ‘broccoli’.
• How to tell a guy truly loves you — he warns you first when he’s about to break wind.
BS TAG LINE:
People seldom want to walk over you until you lie down.
