Tuesday, March 12, 2002        Edition: #2251
Another Sheetload of Bull!

REAL REASONS BRITNEY & JUSTIN SPLIT UP:
• Difficulty in finding a 2-piece, halter-top wedding dress that’s slutty enough.
• Sick to death of her joking ‘Oops I Did It Again!’ every night when the sheets billow up.
• Closet is full of the boxer shorts of each man she lost her virginity to.
• She’s up half-the-night every night reading that damn textbook on semiconductor physics.
• He never sees her — if she’s not out getting a navel enema, it’s time for her weekly breast refill and rotation.
• Tired of her mother’s cot taking up space in their bedroom.
• Lots of finger-pointing after they lost “People” magazine’s ‘Sexiest Couple Alive’ title.
• All of a sudden, she doesn’t want to wear the Mouseketeer ears to bed anymore.
• Every day, big fights over mirror time.
• She’s from Louisiana where local law states that her cousin gets first crack at her.
• She’s not a girl, not yet a woman, she’s a hermaphrodite.
• He’s prettier.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
According to a report in THIS WEEK’S ”Time” magazine, CBS-TV negotiations to re-up David Letterman almost collapsed when the network prez Leslie Moonves became so exasperated with the demands being made that he blurted out at a meeting, “Fine. Let him go!” . . . Fatboy Slim is under fire from anti-drug campaigners for telling “GQ” magazine that Ecstasy cured him of depression (pharmaceutical giants want you to buy THEIR drugs) . . . 16-year-old “Malcolm in the Middle” star Frankie Muniz is the highest paid youth actor in movies since Macaulay Culkin with a $2-million-plus payday for the spy adventure film “Agent Cody Banks” . . . Academy Awards show director Louis Horvitz says that if Russell Crowe reads a poem at the Oscars (as he attempted at both the British and Australian film awards) he’ll cut it out of the TV feed, too (over the past month, Crowe has evidently lost his ‘Beautiful Mind’).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Ben Stiller co-wrote, co-produced, directed and co-starred in “Zoolander”, a zany satire on male models and espionage movies . . . Director Jonathan Glazer’s “Sexy Beast” is a love-horror story about exiled English gangsters that copped an Oscar nom for co-star Ben Kingsley.

GOOD EATS:
The new British magazine “Restaurant” has picked a rustic, out-of-the-way, 15-seat eatery called Eigensinn Farm in Singhampton ON near Collingwood as one of the top restaurants in the WORLD. Chef Michael Stadtlander’s 6-course specialties that include suckling pig and home-grown squab (pigeon) helped earn him the #9 ranking overall.
PHONER: 519-922-3128

TOP CITIES:
Zurich remains #1 in international consulting firm William M Mercer’s annual ranking of 215 world cities for overall ‘quality of living’ released YESTERDAY. Vancouver slipped from a first-place tie with Zurich last year to tie for #2 with Vienna. Sydney and Geneva tied for 4th. And where’s the worst city in the world? Brazzaville, Congo once again ranks as the world’s least-desirable city. Calgary ranks highest for environmental cleanliness, followed by Honolulu.
Get the whole list here –
NET: http://www.wmmercer.com/

TAXING POLL:
A new Leger Marketing poll finds that 12% of Canadians will admit they have worked ‘under the table’ for tax-free cash. Only 2.5%, however, will admit cheating on their tax return. And 93.3% of respondents say they will file their income tax return before the APRIL 30 deadline.

PATTY PREFERENCES:
Australian Meat & Live-Stock Corp has published a report on international burger cuisine. Here’s how people in different countries like to doctor their hamburgs . . .
• Argentina — boiled burger topped with a fried egg.
• Korea — meat mixed with pickled cabbage.
• Germany — raw meat with onions.
• South Africa — burger with bacon and bananas.
• And Australians themselves have been known to top off a quarter-pounder with — beets or pineapple!

20/20 HINDSIGHT:
The book “Hollywood First Choices” lists oodles of famous movie roles that were surprisingly turned down. For instance . . .
• The role of ‘Rick’ in “Casablanca” was intended for Ronald Reagan, not Humphrey Bogart.
• First choice for ‘Dorothy’ in “The Wizard of Oz” was Shirley Temple.
• Julia Roberts nixed “Sleepless in Seattle”.
• “Thelma & Louise” could have starred Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn, but they passed on it.

STRESS REDUCTION:
• A study in the “UC Berkeley Wellness Letter” suggests one of the best ways of dealing with stress is simple — stretching. It not only relieves muscle tension, but also lowers blood pressure and breathing rate. (It’s a secret because there’s no money to be made off it.)
• A State University of New York study finds that people under stress show the least amount of tension while in the company of their pet dog. Conversely, their stress levels were highest when with — their spouses.

READING ON THE JOB:
According to a new UK survey, some 49% of men read while on the john, compared to just 26% of women. The most popular reading material — newspapers (14%), magazines (10%), books (8%), and — you gotta be kidding — bills (4%). Britain’s Imperial Cancer Research Fund commissioned the survey to raise awareness of bowel cancer. (What we want to know is — does the queen read while on the throne?)

TOP TUB TOY:
In case you really needed to know, the most popular tub toy for kids is — a toy boat. A “Redbook” survey finds rubber duckies are 2nd, followed by cups, toy animals and dolls.

WOMAN WANTS DUMMY DIVORCE:
A Welsh woman has laid down the law — her husband has to decide between her and his ventriloquist’s dummy. 41-year-old Maureen Roberts of Barry, Wales says she’s fed up of sharing her life with ‘Charlie Boy’. Not only does her 40-year-old husband Ray spend hours in front of a mirror practising ventriloquism, he sets a place for his dummy at the dinner table,  and takes him to the supermarket. Maureen says she can’t even watch TV without the damn thing interrupting with stupid comments. (And then every night, ‘Charlie Boy’ has a woody.)

PICKING A PARTNER BY HIS PET:
According to psychologist Dr Herbert Hoffman, you can tell what kind of husband a man will make by checking his preference in pets. Here’s what a man’s pet supposedly says about his matrimonial mettle –
• SMALL DOG — Makes an excellent husband for a woman who craves togetherness in the marriage. He wants a wife he can consider his very best friend, and rarely casts a flirtatious eye on any other woman.
• LARGE DOG — This guy would make a good husband for a non-liberated woman. He’ll go along with you having a job, but will still expect to have dinner on the table on time.
• CAT — Cat lovers are sensitive, home-loving, gentle and mild-mannered. A cat lovin’ guy is best off when he’s married to a woman with a practical nature because he will tend to be impulsive and not plan for the future.
• EXOTIC PETS — The woman who marries a man who likes a pet snake, lizard or monkey will rarely be bored. She’ll never be sure of what tomorrow may bring because her mate craves excitement.
• FISH – Women who want intellectually stimulating husbands will find good mates in fish fanciers.
• BIRDS – Bird men have an above-average devotion to home and family and are true to their word.
• NO PETS – Think twice about marrying a man who has never had a pet. He wants his freedom, dislikes responsibility and is exceedingly hard to relate too.

THE BULL SHEET 03.12.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [56] Liza Minnelli, Hollywood CA, singer/stage & movie actress (Oscar-“Cabaret”)/youngest to ever win Tony Award at age 19 (“Flora, the Red Menace”-1965)/Judy Garland’s daughter  NOTE: She’ll wed producer David Gest SATURDAY at a lavish affair in NYC, her 4th attempt

1948 [54] James Taylor, Boston MA, oldies singer (“Fire & Rain”, “You’ve Got a Friend”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Organize Your Home Office Day”. Get people with home offices to call in, then ask “What are you wearing right now?” Studies show an inordinate number of those who work at home still dress in office attire every day in order to get into ‘work mode’.

TODAY is the 90th anniversary of the formation of “Girl Guides”. Daisy Gordon of Savannah GA gathered a troop in 1912 and taught them to milk a cow, tie up a burglar and the art of boiling water. Now through the end of April is when the annual cookie drive is underway in most areas, a good time to hold a competition for the ‘Best Cookie Sales Pitch’. Select the winner and buy 100 boxes from her to hand out on the street.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1894 [108] Coca-Cola 1st sold in bottles (before that, paper sacks?)

1948 [54] 1st chapter of ‘Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club’

1951 [51] 1st “Dennis the Menace” comic strip (Hank Ketchum names him after his son)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1977 [25] 22 skiers perform simultaneous back-flips while holding hands (Bromont, Québec)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day
[Fri] True Confessions Day
[Sat] Islamic New Year
[Sun] St Patrick’s Day
[Sun] WWF Wrestlemania 18 (Toronto)
Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Week
Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week
Humorists are Artists Month
Colorectal Cancer Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
“Medical Commission Approves Saline BEAST Implants”
“Poor Really Need More Pay, Says Economist”
“New Study: Older Kids That Stay Up Late, Often More Sleepy”
“Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax”
“Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents”
“Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years At Checkout Counter”
“Killer Sentenced to Die For Second Time in Ten Years”
“Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One”

BS INTERVIEW:
SATURDAY the 19th annual “Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic” will be played in Nome, Alaska, one of the strangest annual events in ‘adventure golf’. Participants attempt to sink bright orange balls in coffee cans sunken in the frozen sea. As well as regular golf rules, this classic has some extra guidelines —
• Snow and ice divots do not have to be replaced.
• Beware of crab fishing holes and blowing snow.
• If your ball hits a polar bear, you lose 3 strokes. If you get the ball back from the bear, 5 strokes will be subtracted from your score.
• No swimming.
One of the world’s weirdest golf tournaments, the annual “Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic”, tees off SATURDAY in Nome, Alaska. Participants attempt to sink bright orange balls into flagged coffee cans  sunk into the frozen sea on a 6 hole course. Par is 41. Entry fee includes golf balls, tees (old shotgun shells), snake bite remedies (small bottles of vodka) and an official certificate proving you survived. You must use a caddie, “preferably a sled dog with a taste for Budweiser”.
PHONER: 907-443-6624

Ask about record scores and tips on how to play ice golf.
PHONER: 907-443-5162/907-443-2494 (Bering Sea Lion’s Club)
NET: http://www.festivals.com/02-01-january/iceisnice/funkygolf.cfm

BS RADIO FEAR FACTOR:
The “Fear Factor” TV show has everyone talking so why not put together your own version for radio? The format is simple: Contestants must complete 3 stunts that play on their fears in order to qualify for the prize. Some ideas –
• Stunts that are considered bad luck, like opening an umbrella indoors.
• Stunts that are truly dangerous, like flushing while someone is in the shower.
• Stunts that require skill, such as whistling with a mouthful of soda crackers, or eating peanut butter and singing.
• Stunts that are gross — biting into an onion or clove of garlic first thing in the morning.
• Stunts that are scary — conference call contestant’s mother-in-law, have contestant invite her to visit for a week.
• Embarrassing stunts using a cell phone — try to borrow underwear from a neighbor, or buy personal products in a store (tampons, condoms, hemorrhoid cream).

ST PATRICK’S WEEK QUIZ:
• What invention did 6th century Irish monks call the ‘water of life’? [Irish Whiskey.]
• How can you acquire the ‘gift of the gab’ when visiting Ireland? [By kissing the Blarney Stone.]
• What famous US building is modelled after the Irish house of parliament in Dublin? [The White House.]
• What company made the original Irish cream liqueur? [Bailey’s.]

BS TAG LINE:
He who hesitates is probably right.