Wednesday, March 6, 2002        Edition: #2247
100% Grade A Bull!

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If I buy one of those ‘Ab Tronic’ gizmos off TV today, will I have a 6-pack for the weekend?
• Why is that the people who look worst in shorts are always the ones who take up jogging?
• Is there a word made up entirely of silent letters? And how would we know?
• What’s the difference between ‘new’ and ‘brand new’?
• What happens to an ‘18-hour bra’ after 18 hours?
• Does a diplomat think twice before saying nothing?
• How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• If diamonds are a girl’s best friend and dogs are a man’s best friend, which is the dumber sex?
• Hey, did you hear they’ve taken the word ‘gullible’ out of the dictionary?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Now we find out why ‘Long Island Lolita’ Amy Fisher was dumped from the card vs Tonya Harding in FOX-TV’s chintzy “Celebrity Boxing” special scheduled for a week from tonight — the NY state parole board has ruled she can’t participate, and now Amy’s threatening to sue (former Clinton accuser Paula Jones will grub for the money instead) . . . “The Lord Of The Rings” has busted onto the list of the top 10 biggest money-making films of all time at #8, with a worldwide take of $749.6 million, however it may drop back out with the re-release of “ET” later THIS MONTH (the first “Harry Potter” movie is #2 at $941.7 million) . . . Whoopi Goldberg
says ”chances are” that Halle Berry’s going to end up looking like her (if there’s a nuclear holocaust) . . . And soon-to-be-69 Joan Collins, just back from a 2-week honeymoon on the Malaysian island of Pangkor Laut with her new half-her-age hubby Percy Gibson, says the age difference doesn’t worry her — “If he dies, he dies,” she says.

NEW-CENTURY TERMS:
• ‘Xenacate’ [ZEN-ah-kate] — To utterly destroy a fictional character so as to prevent anyone, anytime, anywhere, from resurrecting the character in any media. (“They’re gonna totally xenacate ‘Dr Mark Greene’ from “ER” by killing him off at the end of this season.”)
• ‘Monochromatic Food’ . . . Food that’s purposely prepared to be boring — colorless, tasteless and with little texture — so that dieters are enticed to eat less. (For more information, see ‘British Cuisine’.)
• ‘Wave Dodging’ . . . A new ‘extreme’ activity in which daredevils stick their heads into giant waves breaking against a sea wall. (For people who’ve become bored resting their necks on railway tracks.)

NEW GIZMOS:
• In drive-thrus at 5 Dallas TX test restaurants, McDonald’s is now allowing motorists to pay automatically for meals, using the same windshield tags that pay their highway tolls. (And why not? McDonald’s giveth the gas and the highways taketh it away.)
• Elkhart IN inventor Jim Montgomery has developed the ‘Kitty Kart’, a stroller for pets. It’s basically a detachable cage on a baby stroller chassis that he originally came up with so his wife could take her cats on walks. Now, the contraption has also become popular with ferret owners. It’s being sold online as the — ‘Fur-by-Four’.
• Japanese researchers have developed a technique to use satellite tracking to observe the movements of elderly people who wander away from home. (Some Japanese seniors are concerned about an invasion of privacy, but one retiree says, “They can track my movements all they want. I can’t remember the last time I had one.”)

BULL ROAR:
• A 38-year-old woman in Lowell MA has been charged with beating up a 51-year-old woman — for bringing 13 items into the 12-or-less express line at a supermarket. (They charged her? They should give her a flippin’ award!)
• A 63-year-old Workington UK woman who was preparing to go under the knife by watching an informational video on open heart surgery got scared sick by what she saw and — suffered a heart attack. (Hey, show her that helpful autopsy tape.)
• Because of insurance costs, several resort towns in northern Australia have decided to replace coconut palms on their beaches with ‘less dangerous’ trees – in other words, trees without falling coconuts. (You could be liable for drowning too, so do something about all that damn water!)
• The mayor of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil has pressured prosecutors to sentence local TV weather man Luiz Carlos Austin to jail for incorrectly predicting the weather. (Hear hear! Do they sitll have the rack?)

SURVIVOR: MALAYSIA
A Malaysian radio station’s version of the “Survivor”-based car giveaway promotion is into its 9th day TODAY. This one has 4 contestants competing to survive in the SAME car parked outside a mall. The last of the 4 complete strangers to quit keeps the car. (Whew! It was 32 degrees C in Kuala Lumpur yesterday — it must be getting REAL gamey in there by now!)

HOW ABOUT 50-DOLLAR-CASE-OF-BEER-LAND?
NWT Premier Stephen Kakfwi has often said, “The Northwest Territories isn’t a name, it’s a direction.” So once again, the territory has set up a committee to find a new name. The last time the issue came up (1996), residents voted by a wide margin to stick with the name ‘Northwest Territories’, and the 2nd-most-popular choice was — ‘Bob’. A toll-free phone line attracted over 240 other interesting suggestions, including ‘Tundraland’, ‘Westovut’, ‘Someovut’, and ‘Allovut’.

THE BULL SHEET 03.06.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1923 [79] Ed McMahon, Detroit MI, ex-TV personality (“Tonight Show”, “Star Search”)

1940 [62] Ken Danby, Sault Ste Marie ON, sports-themed artist (“The Goalie”)

1947 [55] Rob Reiner, Bronx NY, film director (“A Few Good Men”, “When Harry Met Sally”)/movie actor (“First Wive’s Club”, “Sleepless in Seattle”)/ex-TV actor (Meathead-“All in the Family”)

1959 [43] Tom Arnold, Ottumwa IA, TV host (“The Best Damn Sports Show Period”)/movie actor (“McHale’s Navy”, “True Lies”)

1963 [39] DL Hughley, LA CA, stand-up comedian (“The Original Kings of Comedy”)/TV actor (“The Hughleys”)

1972 [30] Shaquille O’Neal, Newark NJ, NBA star with a size 22 shoe (2001 NBA Finals MVP-LA Lakers)/sometime movie actor (“Freddy Got Fingered”, “He Got Game”)/occasional rap artist (“Shaq Diesel”)  NOTE: Shaquille means ‘Little Warrior’ in Arabic

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Frozen Food Day”, commemorating the first ‘individually packaged frozen foods’, created by Clarence Birdseye in Springfield MA 72 years ago (1930). He got the idea after seeing Canadians thawing and eating naturally frozen fish.

THIS WEEK is “National Procrastination Week”, sponsored by the ‘Procrastinators’ Club of America’ who believe putting things off till tomorrow is a healthy way to live. The club claims to have millions of members around the world — who just haven’t gotten around to joining yet.
PHONER: 215-947-0500/215-947-4567 (Les Waas-Huntingdon Valley PA)
NET: http://broadcastpioneers.50g.com/waas.html (background on Waas – an interesting guy!)

TODAY is “Stop Bad Service Day”, honoring companies that foster loyalty by providing top notch service.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1834 [168] City of Toronto incorporated, with William Lyon Mackenzie as 1st mayor (Toronto is a native word meaning ‘center of the universe’)

1899 [103] 1st ‘Aspirin’ patented by Felix Hoffmann

1912 [90] 1st ‘Oreo’ cookie sold (over 360 billion have sold since. Stacked on top of each other, the pile would reach to the Moon and back — more than 5 times!)

2000 [02] World’s 1st ‘one-gigahertz computer chip’ unveiled (how archaic!)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1982 [20] Susan Birmingham sets world record for ‘loudest human shout’ — 120 decibels! (and that was BEFORE Viagra)

1982 [20] Most points scored by two NBA teams as San Antonio beats Milwaukee 171-166 in  triple overtime (total points – 337!)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[2 weeks today] 1st day of Spring
[Fri] International Women’s Day
[Fri] Employee Appreciation Day
[Sat] Nokia Brier Canadian Men’s Curling Championship begins (Calgary)
[Mon] 8th Screen Actors Guild Awards
National Professional Pet Sitters Week (“Sit, Killer!” “Sit!”)
Nutrition Month
Ethics Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SOOTHSAYER PHONER:
For a different take on Oscar predictions, try a call to the ‘Singing Psychic’. Fran Baskerville’s prophecy may be off target (not to mention off-key) but should generate a few laughs. Ask about her latest ‘psychic songs’.
PHONER: 972-380-0989 (Dallas TX)
NET: http://www.singingpsychic.com/

BS CAR ACRONYMS:  
BMW . . . Born Moderately Wealthy
FIAT . . . Fix It Again, Tony
FORD . . . First On Recall Day
GM . . . General Maintenance
HONDA . . .    How Odd, No Damn Acceleration!
PORSCHE . . . Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Employment
VOLVO . . . Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
(Ask listeners for more!)

BS QUICK PICK TRIVIA:
Q: What did Cleopatra use pomegranate seeds for — birth control, cosmetics, or ear plugs?
A: According to historians — lipstick.
(Source: “Land O’ Useless Facts”)

THE WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ:
(Or is it?)
• How long did the ‘Hundred Years War’ last? [116 years, from 1337 to 1453.]
• If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? [2. The same 2 you just took away.]
• How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark? [None. Moses wasn’t on the ark — it was Noah.]
• Which country makes Panama hats? [Ecuador.]
• How many birthdays does the average man have? [One per year.]
• Some months have 31 days, but how many have 28? [All of them.]
• From which animal do we get ‘catgut’? [From sheep and horses.]
• What is a camel’s hair brush made of? [Squirrel fur.]
• The Canary Islands are named after what animal? [Dogs, from the Latin word ‘Canaria’.]
• What was King George VI’s first name? [Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.]
• What country do Chinese gooseberries come from? [New Zealand.]

BS TAG LINE:
Birds of a feather flock together — so they can ALL crap on your car.

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