Monday, March 4, 2002 Edition: #2245
Get Ready For Your Daily Bovine Colonic!
THIS WEEK is “National Procrastination Week”, so here’s . . .
THE BS PROCRASTINATOR’S CREED:
• I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
• If at first I don’t succeed, there’s always next year.
• I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
• I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
BS TABLOID TIDBITS:
• TODAY a retrial is scheduled to begin in London over the alleged ‘air rage’ incident a year ago involving REM guitarist Peter Buck. “E! Online” notes that 2 days after his first trial began in November, a judge discharged the jury without giving a reason. Buck is charged with being drunk and assaulting two crew members aboard a British Airways flight from Seattle to London.
• UK tabloid “Sun” claims 26-year-old “Lady Marmalade” singer Lil’ Kim was spotted smooching with 75-year-old Hugh Hefner at a recent New York party. (Ewwwww, don’t you just hate the taste of Polygrip?)
• According to the “Enquirer”, when Mariah Carey just can’t avoid using a public washroom, she first sends in her bodyguards to make everyone else leave. (As opposed to [your co-host] who makes everyone else leave afterward.)
• “Sun” says the former Mrs Jagger thinks the Mick is sick. Jerry Hall says the Rolling Stone needs to get therapy for his womanizing problem which she thinks stems from a fear of being alone. Has she suggested it? Yes. Did he take her advice? Problem? What problem?
• Speaking of womanizing, “National Enquirer” claims Senator Hillary Clinton has compiled a ‘secret divorce file’ containing incriminating new charges of cheating by husband Bill. She’s reportedly convinced the former prez’s behavior is hurting her politically, and plans to turn the file over to her lawyers when she pulls the plug on their 26-year marriage. (You can tell a marriage is kaput when you’re worried about your spouse hurting your career.)
• Pamela Anderson launched the ‘Pamela’ cosmetics line 3 years ago. But the heart-shaped makeup kits priced at $49.95 were slow sellers even though the company promoted the fact it did not use animals for testing. So “Star” says Pamela’s packed in the product line because it’s, well — a big bust.
• Now we find out why Bono went on and on in his U2 acceptance speeches at the Grammy Awards. Bono tells “Sun”, “You know those little bottles of water we were holding? They were vodka. Sorry about the lecture. You win a few Grammys, you think you’re very interesting.”
• And here’s the most astounding news from “Weekly World News” — “1 In 10 Security Guards are Frisking Innocent People Like You to Get their Jollies!”, “Three-Breasted Gal Joins Clinton As His New Intern!”, and — horror of horrors — “Your Tap Water Is Full of Drugs!”.
BULL ROAR:
• At the weekend “ESP Psychic Expo” in Montréal, Ottawa astrologer Soundara Rajan used planetary charts and astrological calculations to predict that Allan Rock will become the next leader of the federal Liberal party and therefore Prime Minister. Rajan claims in her 49 years of experience she has predicted with 98% accuracy. (Another psychic ended up with the same conclusion using the ‘paper, scissors, rock’ method.)
• Quebec’s population minister Remy Trudel has admitted he and 7 buddies recently killed a total of 18,000 doves and pigeons during a hunting trip in Argentina, but claims they were actually helping the country by reducing its pesky bird population. (Wait a sec, this is Québec’s ‘POPULATION MINISTER’? The ‘ethnic vote’ in Montréal should beware!)
• A Kingston, Jamaica woman bit off part of her date’s tongue when he attempted to sexually assault her. Jamaican police say it worked — the man halted the attack, was taken to hospital, and will appear in court THIS WEEK. (As part of his sentence he’ll have to repeat 700 times – “NAW MEANTH NAW”.)
• An international conference on alcohol abuse had to be postponed in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan FRIDAY when the power went off. Ironically, the delay was caused by a group of hunters using high-voltage lines for target practice — while they were DRUNK.
• A 40-year-old Tonbridge UK man has been sentenced to life in prison after strangling his cheating wife while yelling at her, “You are the weakest link, goodbye!”
• In South Africa’s Natal province it has long been a tradition for orthodox Zulus to test potential brides for virginity, but now there’s a movement to also check men. So how do you test a male for virginity? According to one Zulu leader, males who are NOT virgins can be spotted by the darkness of their knees and the fact that they spray urine instead of peeing in a straight stream. (Ohmygawd, my 4-year-old’s not a virgin!)
MOMMY DEAREST:
According to ”Self” magazine, women argue most often with their mothers about money, men, responsibility and appearance. (Men fight most often with their moms about clean underwear.)
HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
We’re getting fatter because, well — we eat too much. Here are some recommended food portions according to Columbia University nutritionist Christine Senft —
• The recommended serving of meat — whether it’s beef, chicken or pork — is 3 ounces, roughly the size of a DECK OF CARDS.
• The recommended serving of cheese is 1 ounce, the size of a THUMB TIP.
• The recommended serving of pasta is the size of a TENNIS BALL.
(Source: “Globe & Mail”)
DUMB DUDS:
Asian manufacturers have found that consumers thinks it’s cool to have clothing with English slogans — even if they don’t make any sense. According to a Website that keeps track of such things, here’s some actual slogans that have been spotted —
• “Powerful More Power to Your Elbow. Mutual Help is the Low of Nature”
• “Cute Girl Superstar is Going at USA Happy!”
• “Lovable Black Cat Count Me Is Your Friend. Can You Really Do Everything I Wish I Could to
Billie Jean”
• “I Hate Myself and I Want to Die”
• “Woody Home”
• [DISCRETION] “Spread Beaver Showing the Vaginal Area”
Now if we could just find a site that explains what oriental characters on Western clothes really mean.
NET: http://www.engrish.com/apparel.html
THE BULL SHEET 03.04.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [48] Catherine O’Hara, Toronto ON, movie actress (“Best in Show”, “Home Alone I & II”)/former TV comedian (“SCTV” [1976-81])
1958 [44] Patricia Heaton, Bay Village OH, TV actress (Ray’s wife Debra Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond”)
1968 [34] Patsy Kensit, London ENG, movie actress (“The Last Don II”, “Lethal Weapon 2″)/ex-Mrs Liam Gallagher (Oasis)
1971 [31] Fergal Lawler, Dublin IRE, rock drummer (Cranberries-“Linger”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Here’s a quick little gimmick to run TODAY. Find a 5-second snippet of marching band music, then play it as an on-going gag every time you casually mention that TODAY is — “March Forth!” (March 4th.)
TODAY is “Hug a GI Day”, because they’re getting real jealous of cops and firefighters.
THIS WEEK is officially “Working Dog Week”, to honor dogs working for humanity. Ask listeners about unusual dogs with jobs they’ve come across. (What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.)
THIS MONTH is “National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month” as declared by the group “Parenting Without Pressure”, who have the notion your teen knows nothing. (Things you might want to ask your teen – “Does that tongue stud really help?”, and “How can dad and I achieve simultaneous satisfaction?”)
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1997 [05] NBC sit-com “Just Shoot Me” debuts, starring George Segal & David Spade (there’s how you make a lot of money – a so-so sitcom that stays under the radar for years)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2001 [01] Glenn Hughes, the ‘Man in Leather’ with ‘70s disco group the Village People, dies at age 50
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1877 [125] 1st ‘microphone’ (thanks to Emile Berliner, you have a job!)
1938 [64] 1st ‘nylon toothbrush bristles’ replace those made from badger hair (yuck!)
1950 [52] Disney’s “Cinderella” premieres (after all these years, “C-2″ is now out on video)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1793 [209] George Washington’s 2nd inauguration features shortest speech (133 words)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Unique Names Day
[Wed] Stop Bad Service Day
[Fri] International Women’s Day
[Sat] Nokia Brier Canadian Men’s Curling Championship begins (Calgary)
[Mar 20] 1st Day of Spring
[Mar 24] 74th Academy Awards
[Apr 14] Juno Awards (St John’s)
National Write a Letter of Appreciation Week
Autograph Collecting Week
Women’s History Month
Play the Recorder Month (but make in someone else’s house, please)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘FINISH LINES’:
Have phone contestants try to finish these famous lines from movies –
• “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and . . . [a nice Chianti.” — Anthony Hopkins in “The Silence of the Lambs”]
• “You don’t understand. I coulda had class, I coulda been a . . . [contender.” – Marlon Brando, “On the Waterfront”]
• “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world . . . [she walks into mine.” – Humphey Bogart, “Casablanca”]
• “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to . . . [take it anymore!” – Peter Finch in “Network”]
• “I just want to say one word to you, just one word . . . [‘plastics.'” – businessman to Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate”]
• “Well, it’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s . . . [the life in your men.” – Mae West, “I’m No Angel”]
• “You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just . . . [put your lips together and blow.” – Lauren Bacall, “To Have and Have Not”]
• “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never . . . [know what you’re gonna get.” – Tom Hanks, “Forrest Gump”]
• “I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather . . . [dance with the cows when you came home.” – Groucho Marx, “Duck Soup”]
LOST IN TRANSLATION:
(The foreign equivalent to some common English expressions.)
• In English we say “Save your breath” when we want someone to stop talking, while in France they say “Save your saliva.”
• The Chinese equivalent of “You’re in over your head” is “You’re a baby with a runny nose who became emperor.”
• In English we say “Go fly a kite” while the Spanish say “Go fry asparagus!”
• In the Hawaiian language “It’s nothing to lose sleep over” becomes “It’s a heap of relish made of octopus liver.”
BS Q & A:
Q: Who one lives at One Cherry Street in NYC?
A: That was the address of the first US Presidential mansion. George Washington lived there from 1789-90. It was NOT called the White House.
(Source: “NY Public Library Book of Answers”)
Q: The name ‘Wendy’ was actually made up for what famous book-turned-movie?
A: “Peter Pan”.
(Source: “Amazing Facts”)
Q: Which country drinks the most Coca-Cola per capita — Canada, Mexico or the USA?
A: Mexico. The average Mexican drinks 320 Cokes annually. (Well, when you can’t drink the water . . . )
(Source: “Top Ten of Everything”)
Q: What color is the Purple Finch?
A: The distinctive parts are crimson.
(Source: “Coffee News”)
Q: Do all animals have belly buttons or only humans?
A: Almost all mammals have belly buttons because at one point they had umbilical cords, but they don’t look the same as ours. Often they’re just a long scar covered with fur. (Robin Williams, for instance.)
(Source: “TriviaVille”)
BS TAG LINE:
Life is only understood backward, but must be lived forward.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
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