Friday, March 1, 2002        Edition: #2244
Where MARCH Comes In Like a Bull!

BS THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK BUT CAN’T:
(so we’ll say them for you while you picture the person)
• “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”
• “How about NEVER? Is never good for you?”
• “Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?”
• “And your cry-baby, whiny-butt opinion would be?”
• “I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.”
• “I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.”
• “I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.“
• “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
• “What am I, flypaper for geeks?“
• “I’m not being rude, you’re just insignificant.“
• “It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”
• “How many times do I have to flush before you go away?”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
We didn’t hear THIS during Olympic coverage — Canadian pairs figure skater David Pelletier had a 1-year marriage to Marie-Josée Fortin, another figure skater whom he DUMPED after pairing up with gold medal partner Jamie Sale (she’s a homewrecker in a swirly skirt!) . . . Word is NFL color analyst John Madden is getting $5 million-per-season to jump to “ABC Monday Night Football”, a 4-year deal teaming him with play-by-play announcer Al Michaels (say g’bye to Dennis Miller and Dan Fouts) . . . Madonna has signed up for her first stage performance in 13 years, playing an ‘ambitious art dealer’ in the comedy “Up For Grabs”, set to open in London’s West end theater district this MAY . . . Paul McCartney has visited his childhood home in Liverpool to show fiancée Heather Mills where he grew up (“ . . . and this is the desk where I wrote all those brilliant lyrics while John stood around watching”) . . . And Julia Roberts tells the new issue of “W” magazine, “I’m the Hoover. I eat everything. I like sitting around a table with a s—load of food” (pity the poor sap picking up her dinner tab!).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Mel Gibson stars in the Vietnam war drama “We Were Soldiers” (could be this year’s “O Brother, Where Art Thou” — the soundtrack features Johnny Cash with Dave Matthews, Brooks & Dunn, Lee Ann Womack, Jamie O’Neal with Michael McDonald, Jars of Clay and Train) . . . Josh Hartnett (“Black Hawk Down”, “Pearl Harbor”) stars in the romantic comedy “40 Days and 40 Nights”, about a heartbroken guy who vows to stay celibate during the 40 days of Lent (easy to say but harder to do), until his ex-girlfriend (played by relative newcomer Shannyn Sossamon) schemes to seduce him back.

OH CANADA:
Unique Canadian accomplishments are celebrated in ‘The Great Canadian Achievement Mural’, a new 27-by-9-metre artwork recently unveiled on the side of a building in Aurora ON, just north of Toronto. Among the 30 ‘achievements’ represented – Canadians consume more doughnuts per capita than any other people in the world. (Oh, it’s on the side of a Tim Horton’s?)

DEFINING AMERICA:
• According to “Scientific American”, 45% of Americans now believe God created life some time in the past 10,000 years. (Yea, back when the Egyptians had pet dinosaurs.)
• 27% of US male college students believe life is a ‘meaningless existential hell’. (The poll was conducted early on a Sunday morning after a frat party.)
• 98% of all Americans say they ‘feel better about themselves’ when they flush a toilet. (This is not true however of the next person in line.)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A puppy born with 5 legs has undergone surgical correction in Latchford ENG. 4-month-old ‘Jake’ is said to be recovering well from the operation in which TWO of his legs were removed. (Jake says “Thanks, now I’m a freak with THREE legs, you idiots!”)
• A Grade 5 teacher in Hudsonville MI gave her students an unusual assignment — write to a local business and make some sort of absurd request. Student Kate Shermak hit the jackpot — asking the local Arby’s franchise for a lifetime supply of curly fries. They said yes! (Some radio station oughta grab this kid for the promo department!)
• A convicted sex offender in Bangor ME who fled into the woods when approached by a cop is threatening to sue the police department, claiming he lost a few toes to frostbite because they were TOO SLOW in arresting him.
• In an experiment at the UK’s National Sea Life Centre, animal behaviorists have determined that lobsters have more sex when they’re exposed to the music of — Barry White. (Seems these scientists ‘Can’t Get Enough’ of government grants, baby.)

BUYING ON TIME:
Timex Corp is developing a new wristwatch that incorporates what’s known as ‘Speedpass’ technology, a radio frequency transponder that can be linked to a credit or debit card. What’s the point? Wearers will simply wave their watches to instantly pay at gas stations and fast food restaurants that are equipped with special electronic sensors. Think of the time saved — maybe 10-15 seconds per purchase! (But when someone asks you what time it is, you end up buying them dinner.)

IS BIGGER REALLY BETTER?
We’re ‘super-sizing’ everything these days – a new survey in the “American Journal of Public Health” finds that restaurant plates are becoming increasingly larger and even the cup holders in vehicles have been getting bigger and bigger. (Not to mention your ass.)

HAVE A SUNNY DAY!
A new study published in the “Journal of Applied Social Psychology” finds that predicting good weather increases a food server’s tips. When a New Jersey waitress wrote on restaurant checks, “The weather is supposed to be really good tomorrow. I hope you enjoy the day!” her tips averaged 22%. But when she wrote, “The weather is supposed to be not so good tomorrow. I hope you enjoy the day anyway!” her tips averaged just 18%. (Maybe this will work for your ratings?)

TESTY MEN TESTED:
Scottish scientist Gerald Lincoln claims he’s identified a new malady he calls ‘Irritable Male Syndrome’ that leaves men bad-tempered, emotional, depressed and suffering. What causes it? A lack of testosterone! Unlike women’s hormonal swings which come in cycles, the male counterpart is caused by extreme circumstances, like accidents or serious illness, which trigger a decrease in hormone levels. The condition can be quickly relieved with a shot of testosterone. (But it doesn’t fix the age-old problem of men’s inability to wash the dishes.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.01.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [58] Roger Daltrey, London ENG, classic rock singer (The Who-“Who Are You” [theme from “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”]) who’s currently working on producing a movie about the hell-raising life of late Who drummer Keith Moon

1954 [48] Ron Howard, Duncan OK, film producer/director (“A Beautiful Mind” [‘Best Director’ & ‘Best Picture’ Oscar nominee], “How the Grinch Stole Christmas“, “Apollo 13″)/former TV actor (Opie-“Andy Griffith Show”, Ritchie-“Happy Days”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [60] John Irving, Exeter NH, top-selling novelist whose books become movies (“The Cider House Rules”, “The World According to Garp”)/part-time Toronto resident

1942 [60] Lou Reed, Brooklyn NY, ground-breaking classic rock musician (“Walk on the Wild Side”)

1962 [40] Jon Bon Jovi, Sayreville NJ, rock musician (Bon Jovi-“It’s My Life”, “Living On a Prayer”)/TV actor (Victor Morrison-“Ally McBeal”)/movie actor (“U-571″, “Pay It Forward”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Peanut Butter Lover’s Day”, a good day to have phone contestants try tongue twisters with a mouthful of smooth or crunchy. Here’s a couple quickies –
• ‘Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings.’
• ‘A box of biscuits, a batch of mixed biscuits.’
• ‘Is this your sister’s sixth zither, sir?’
• ‘Unique New York.’
• And our all-time favorite that’s guaranteed to get you fired – ‘I’m not the fig plucker nor the fig plucker’s son, but I’ll pluck the figs till the fig plucker comes.’

TODAY is “Share a Smile Day”. Which show biz celeb has the BEST smile?

TODAY is “National Pig Day”, honoring the ‘most intelligent and useful of domesticated animals’. Studies show pigs are much smarter than horses. (But harder to ride.)

TODAY is “St David’s Day” in Wales. The Welsh celebrate their patron saint by taking a leek, and then wearing it.

TODAY is “Chalanda Marz” in Switzerland, when they drive away winter by ringing bells and cracking whips.

TODAY is the “RRSP Deadline” if you want a deduction on your 2001 income tax. (So be sure to call your investment office this afternoon at 4:57pm.)

TOMORROW the 1,049-mile ‘Iditarod XXX Dog Sled Race” from Anchorage to Nome, Alaska  begins mushing for up to 2 weeks, touted as ‘the last great race’. There’s likely to be protests from the ‘Sled Dog Action Coalition’, a group of animal lovers that claims the race abuses the coot widdle doggies. SDAC, by the way, is based in that haven of sled dogs – Miami FL.
PHONER: 907-376-5155 (Executive Director Stan Hooley, Race Director Joanne Potts)
NET: http://www.iditarod.com
PHONER: 305-255-3397 (Margery Glickman, Sled Dog Action Coalition)
NET: http://www.helpsleddogs.org

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1937 [65] 1st ‘automobile license plates’ issued, in Connecticut (1st plate says ‘NOBRKS’?)

1941 [61] 1st ‘FM radio station’ goes on-the-air (W47NV in Nashville TN, which must have had really complicated jingles)

1969 [33] Prince Charles officially invested ‘Prince of Wales’ (it seems it was a lifetime appointment)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Old Stuff Day (aka ‘Date Your Grandma Day’)
[Sun] American National Anthem Day
[Mon] Hug a GI Day
[Tues] Unique Names Day
Autograph Collecting Week
Conserve Water / Detect a Leak Week
Umbrella Month
Philatelic Society Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BRAIN BUSTER:
2 men play 3 games of chess. Each wins the same number of games. There are no ties. How can that be? [They aren’t playing each other.]

BS QUICK PICK TRIVIA:
• If you add together all the numbers on a roulette wheel (1 to 36), what do you get?
a) 1000
b) 666 [CORRECT]
c) A headache.

• On average, a 4-year-old child does this 437 times a day.
a) Asks questions. [CORRECT]
b) Laughs.
c) Misses the toilet.

• What was the first song to be performed in outer space?
a) “Louie Louie”
b) “Happy Birthday” [CORRECT. Sung by Apollo IX astronauts March 8, 1969.]
c) “The Macarena”

• On a film set, what is a ‘gaffer’?
a) The youngest member of the crew.
b) A ‘go-fer’.
c) Chief electrician. [CORRECT]

• What radio station does “Frasier” work at?
a) KOOL 105
b) KACL 780 AM [CORRECT]
c) Talk Radio One.

• What does the term ‘karaoke’ mean in Japanese?
a) Empty orchestra. [CORRECT]
b) Accapella.
c) Drunken fool.

• If you suffer from ‘hexadactylism’, you have an extra what?
a) Sex organ.
b) Spouse.
c) Digit. [CORRECT. 6 fingers or 6 toes on one or both hands and feet.]

BS TAG LINE:
When you’re through changing, you’re through.