Monday, March 26, 2001 Edition: #2019
BS REASONS YOUR MOVIE DIDN’T WIN AN OSCAR:
• Your documentary was titled “Washed Up Lame-O’s: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences”.
• The “NY Times” review contained the words ‘putrid’, ‘stench’ and ‘bile’.
• Your sequel “Squatting Tiger” failed to capture public’s imagination.
• In retrospect, casting Jean Claude Van Damme as Einstein perhaps wasn’t a great idea.
• The title “Oral Lovin’ Amateurs” somehow lacked that epic feel the Academy loves.
• Roger Ebert gave it one finger up.
• Your name rhymes with Minolta.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” notes that John Travolta’s sci-fi stinker “Battlefield Earth” tied the record for dis-honors SATURDAY at the “21st Annual Golden Raspberry Awards” by earning 7 Razzies — worst movie, actor, screen couple, supporting actor and actress, director and screenplay. That ties it with 1995’s “Showgirls” for the most worst awards!
• The UK’s “MegaStar” tabloid is reporting that when “The Simpsons” makes it to the big screen, one of the movie’s plots will involve ‘Bart’ losing his virginity to an older woman.
• According to “Daily News” Mariah Carey has severed her 11-year relationship with Sony Music after reportedly asking for $25 million – per album! That would make it the most expensive recording deal ever.
• “Sun” reports actor Rowan Atkinson saved his family by taking the controls of a private plane after the pilot fainted 16,000 feet above a game park in Kenya. After trying to revive the pilot by shouting, shaking him, splashing cold water on his face and then slapping him, Rowan — who has never flown before — managed to level the plane until the pilot finally woke up. (If you added a rubber turkey, you’d have a really good new “Mr Bean” episode.)
• “Bizarre” reports George Clooney has the inside track to play the cigar-chewing team leader ‘Hannibal Smith’ in the “A-Team” movie scheduled to be filmed later THIS YEAR. (But who should get the Mr T role?)
DEMEANING DUDS:
Dutch company Kessels Kramer is getting heat for selling its ‘Potty Mouth’ collection of toddler clothes online. The T-shirts, sized for kids under 5, bear slogans like “I just [pooped] my pants. It’s good to be a baby!”, “If you squeeze my cheek again, I’m going to kick your ass!”, “Thanks for the national debt, you bastards!” and “You call those breasts?”
100 YEARS, 100 STINKERS: THE WORST FILMS OF ALL-TIME:
1. “Battlefield Earth”
2. “Wild Wild West”
3. “Batman & Robin”
4. “Howard The Duck”
5. “Spice World”
(Get the full list at: http://TheStinkers.com/)
NAME THAT BOND GIRL:
In the tradition of ‘Pussy Galore’, ‘May Day’, ‘Plenty O’Toole’ & ‘Honey Ryder’, what should Whitney Houston be called if she’s in the next ‘007′ film? How about ‘Iona Loser’, ‘Puffy Spliff’, ‘Ima Ballbuster’, ‘Eileen Dover’, ‘Dot Calm’, ‘Helen Bach’, ‘Miss Behaven’, ‘Kissy Mibuty’, or ‘Miss Dimebag’? Ask listeners for more ideas.
THE BULL SHEET 03.26.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [70] Leonard Nimoy, Boston MA, TV/film actor (Mr Spock-“Star Trek”)
1939 [62] James Caan, Bronx NY, film actor (“Misery”, “The Godfather”)
1944 [57] Diana Ross, Detroit MI, egocentric Motown singer (Supremes-“Where Did Our Love Go”)
1948 [53] Steve Tyler (Tallarico), Boston MA, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame rock singer (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”)/Liv Tyler’s pop
1950 [51] Martin Short, Hamilton ON, film actor (“Father Of The Bride I & II”)/TV comedian (Ed Grimley-“SCTV, “SNL”)
1968 [33] Kenny Chesney, Knoxville TN, country singer (“Don’t Happen Twice”, “You Had Me from Hello”)/part-time horse thief
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Legal Assistants’ Day”, honoring those who do all the dirty work for lawyers (aka ‘Erin Brockovich Day’).
TODAY Muslims around the world celebrate “Islamic New Year”, although the actual date varies among different groups.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1998 [03] Jean Charest announces he’s leaving federal PC leadership to head Quebec Liberals
2000 [01] 72nd Academy Awards go to “American Beauty” as ‘Best Picture’, Kevin Spacey as ‘Best Actor, and Hilary Swank as ‘Best Actress’ (“Boys Don’t Cry”)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1973 [28] 1st episode of TV soap opera “The Young & the Restless”
1982 [19] World’s 1st ‘test-tube twins’ born to Ian & Catherine Rankin of Oakville ON
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1996 [05] Orlando Magic’s NBA-record 40-game home win streak finally ends vs LA Lakers
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs-Sun] Canadian Music Week 2001 (when you’re there, stop by “The Bull Sheet Suite”, just a gruelling 45-minute commute along the QEW. Call ahead and we’ll run out and get a 6-pack.)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins (Spring forward!)
National Sleep Awareness Week (on this show, it’s ‘Lack of Sleep Awareness Week’)
National Nutrition Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
YOUR PERSONALITY ACCORDING TO FRIDGE MAGNETS:
Ask listeners what’s stuck on their fridge and then do a free personality ‘reading’. Here’s a few ideas —
• Bird or butterfly magnets mean you’re generous and freedom-loving.
• Teddy bear and other animal magnets mean you like hugging.
• Fried egg magnets say you’re intellectual, with a good sense of humor.
• Computer magnets mean you’re trendy.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Where would you find the world’s largest INDOOR lake?
A: In the West Edmonton Mall. (Source: “Useless Digest”)
BS TAG LINE: Isn’t it ironic they hand out a statue made of gold to people made of silicone?
