Tuesday, March 20, 2001 Edition: #2015
With a writers strike looming, TV networks are stocking up on reality shows that don’t require any. So here’s some . . .
SUGGESTED NEW BS REALITY SHOWS:
• “Stars In Bars” — celebrity alcoholics discuss the meaning of life after 15 tequila shooters. Hosted by Jason Priestly.
• “Who Wants to Drink a Glass of Water?” – contestants stranded on a dessert island try to hold out longest.
• “Celebrity Heart Attack” — every week top celebs scoff fatty foods and smoke too much until they have a heart attack. When their lives flash before their eyes, they’re brought back to life with an electric shock to describe what they saw to Shirley MacLaine.
• “Pro-Celebrity Spot-Welding” — just like pro-celebrity golf, only a top welder and celebrity chat with each other as they try to repair the broken axle of a Subaru.
• “Don’t Blink!” – contestants compete with a dead relative to see who keeps their eyes open longest.
• “Before They Were Foetuses” — intimate unseen footage of celebrities being conceived.
• “Hollywood Spares” — top gene scientists race against each other to clone a top show biz celeb.
• “Big Diet” — 12 fat people are locked up together for weeks to see who can lose the most weight. (This is a REAL show in the Netherlands.)
• “Everybody Watch Television!” – new technology allowing 2-way TV transmission allows us to watch overweight couch potatoes stare at their screens in a catatonic trance.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Elton John has an odd companion traveling with him during his current world tour – a $2,500 robotic dog that he’s named ‘Gianni’ (after dead designer pal Gianni Versace) that barks, catches a ball and even wets the floor (shoulda called it ‘Li’l Bow Wow’) . . . Rehearsals begin in APRIL for Madonna’s upcoming world tour that will include belly dancers, line dancers, flamenco dancers and acrobats (what, no dancing bears?) . . . Word is Matthew Perry should be out of rehab and back on the set of “Friends” in time to shoot the season finale in which his character ‘Chandler Bing’ finally weds Courteney Cox’s ‘Monica Gellar’ . . . Mick Jagger has allowed his 17-year-old model daughter Elizabeth’s male model boyfriend Damien van Zyl to move in with her in a 5-story house on NYC’s Upper West Side — the catch is Mick lives there too! (when he’s not out chasing 17-year-old models.)
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Denzel Washington stars in “Remember the Titans”, the true story of a newly appointed black coach and his high school team during its first season of racial integration . . . Icelandic singer Björk stars in “Dancer in the Dark”, the Cannes Film Festival-winning musical drama about an eastern European girl who goes to America with her young son.
TANNING BED TECHNOLOGY IN ACTION:
The US Marine Corps is about to unveil the first directed-energy weapon, the ‘Vehicle-Mounted Active Denial System’. Using a non-lethal beam it can heat a spot on an enemy’s skin to 130 degrees in 1 second from a half-mile away, without damaging internal organs. (But aren’t Iraqis used to 130-degree heat?)
THE BULL SHEET 03.20.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [62] Brian Mulroney, Baie Comeau PQ, much vilified 18th Canadian PM (1984-1993)
1948 [53] Bobby Orr, Parry Sound ON, NHL Hall of Famer (Boston Bruins)/Don Cherry’s idol
1950 [51] William Hurt, Washington DC, movie actor (“Broadcast News”, Oscar-“Kiss of the Spiderwoman”) NEXT FILMS: Appears in Steven Spielberg’s “AI Artificial Intelligence” and plays ‘Mr Ollivander‘ in “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”
1957 [44] Spike (Shelton) Lee, Atlanta GA, film director (“The Original Kings of Comedy”, “Summer of Sam”)
1958 [43] Holly Hunter, Conyers GA, film actress (“O Brother Where Art Thou?”, Oscar-“The Piano”)
1964 [37] Tracy Chapman, Cleveland OH, pop/folk singer (“Give Me One Reason”, “Fast Car”)
1969 [32] Big Bird, large-footed, ochre-feathered, 8′-2″ fowl (“Sesame Street”)/Caroll Spinney, who provides the voice and puppetry, has to hold the 4-and-a-half lb head up with his right arm
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY “Spring” officially begins in the Northern Hemisphere at 8:31am EST.
TODAY is “Extraterrestrial Abductions Day”, honoring all wackos who’ve been kidnapped by aliens.
THIS AFTERNOON in Montpelier VT they’ll air out the 26th annual “Rotten Sneaker Contest”. Contestants under 15 try for the coveted trophy. Only rule is — shoes have to stay on feet!
PHONER: 802-223-5141 NET: http://mps.k12.vt.us/rec/wrottensneaker.html
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1964 [37] 1st edition of TV game show “Jeopardy!”, with Art Fleming as host (Alex Trebek takes over in 1984)
1980 [21] 1st ‘sighting’ of Elvis reported, despite his widely rumored 1977 death (Butte, Montana)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1999 [02] Hot air balloon piloted by Brian Jones of England and Bertrand Piccard of Switzerland completes first nonstop around-the-world flight.
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] National Teenagers Day and Single Parents Day (coincidence?)
[Mar 29-April 1] Canadian Music Week 2001
National Bubble Week (the beginning of ‘Bubble-Blowing Season’, don’t you know)
Music In Our Schools Month (now there’s a bandwagon worth jumping onto)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS OSCAR QUIZ I:
• Who are the only mother and daughter ever nominated for Oscars in the same film? [Laura Dern and Diane Ladd, nominated for ‘Best Actress’ and ‘Best Supporting Actress’ for “Rambling Rose” in 1991.]
• Who’s emceed the Academy Awards the most times? [Bob Hope, who headlined the Oscars for the first time in 1940 and took on hosting duties 20 times through 1978.]
(Source for above two: “E! Online”)
• Which of the following classic films failed to win a ‘Best Picture Oscar’ — “Citizen Kane”, “Grapes of Wrath”, “Network”, “LA Confidential”. [Trick question – hard to believe, but NONE of them won ‘Best Picture’.]
(Source: “Reader’s Digest New Choices”)
BS TAG LINE: Never moon a werewolf.
