Monday, March 12, 2001                                                        Edition: #2009

SUGGESTED TITLES FOR THE UPCOMING “CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON” PREQUEL:
• “Grouchy Otter, Squatting Monkey”
• “Praying Mantis, Horny Toad”
• “Naked Gopher, Running Bear”
• “Fuzzy Zoeller, Harry Potter”
• “Dusty Springfield, Rolling Stones”
• “Call Waiting, Voice Messaging”
• “Clogged Sinus, Lingering Cold”

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Sean Puffy Combs was ready to launch a new fragrance called ‘Puff’, but according to “Star” it’s been put on hold by his legal troubles. Why? The bottle is shaped like a GUN — pull the trigger and cologne spritzes out the barrel. Like J-Lo, that idea has apparently gone poof!
• UK’s “Sun” says the Spice Girls are furious ‘Sporty Spice’ Mel C has announced she’s quit the group. While the split is being officially denied, insiders say it’s unlikely they’ll ever record together again. (Hooray! Oh, sorry.)
• Ricky Martin tells the Swedish tabloid “Expressen” he’s negotiating to voice a cartoon character for a DreamWorks animated film that might also feature the voices of Madonna and Mel Gibson. (Could it be “Chicken Run 2″?)
• Toronto’s “Sun” reports Jim Carrey’s ex-, actress Lauren Holly, married Canadian investment banker Francis Greco SATURDAY at Toronto’s Holy Rosary Church. For the 37-year-old actress, that’s hubby #3. (Amazing coincidence — they’ve all been really wealthy!)
• If you believe “Enquirer”, a porn actress has been having a kinky affair with Bruce Willis. 29-year-old Alisha Klass claims they’ve been secretly dating for a month and he sent her 5 dozen white roses for Valentine’s Day. (In the language of flowers, sending white roses means ‘thanks to you opening your big yap, you’re 15 minutes of fame just ended, honey.’)
• “Daily Mirror” says Jerry Springer has been signed to host the Brit TV game show “Greed”, in which contestants vie for a jackpot of $1.5 million. (But will he be able to make it through a whole show without strippers?)

PERFECT PARTS:
According to a year-long survey compiled from  cosmetic surgery wish lists made by patients of  Beverly Hills plastic surgeons, the perfect composite woman would have – a Nicole Kidman nose, Winona Ryder eyes, Kim Basinger lips, a Sandra Bullock chin, Jennifer Lopez cheeks and a Salma Hayek body. The perfect male? A Rob Lowe nose, Brad Pitt lips, Tom Cruise eyes, Johnny Depp cheeks, Keanu Reeves chin, Harrison Ford jawline and Richard Gere hair. The body most men want — Matthew McConaughey’s!

WEB-INSPIRED WEDDING:
A recently wed New Zealand couple decided NOT to combine their surnames with a conventional hyphen — but with a dot. Instead of Rob & Liz Flahive-dash-Hill, they are known as Rob and Liz Flahive.hill. (Just weeks after naming themselves like a dot.com, their marriage somehow managed to lose $700 million.)

NEW NICOTINE NAGGER:
British engineering firm Molins has just patented a ‘talking cigarette package’ that gives vocal warnings of the dangers of smoking every time it’s opened. (I already have this – it’s called a wife.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.12.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1946    [55] Liza Minelli, Hollywood CA, ailing singer/actress (Oscar-“Cabaret”)/youngest to ever win Tony Award at age 19 (“Flora, the Red Menace”-1965)/Judy Garland’s daughter
1948     [53] James Taylor, Boston MA, classic pop singer (“Fire & Rain”, “You’ve Got a Friend”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is Election Day in Alberta. About the only way Ralph Klein could blow winning a 3rd term as premier would be holding a last minute press conferences shirtless.

TODAY ‘Harry Potter’ author JK Rowling is releasing 2 new books in an attempt to raise $33 million for deprived children. 11 million copies of “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” and “Quidditch Through the Ages” will be published in 100 countries, with 3 dollars from each sale going to charity. By the way, these are not true ‘Harry Potter’ books, but books mentioned in the ‘Potter’ stories as being used at ‘Hogwart School’ — books within books. An interesting way of conjuring cash for kids!

TODAY is “National Organize Your Home Office Day”. Get people with home offices to call in, then ask “What are you wearing right now?” Studies show an inordinate number of those who work at home still dress in office attire every day in order to get into ‘work mode’.

ON THIS DAY . . .
2000    In an unprecedented moment in history, Pope John Paul II asks forgiveness for ALL sins of Roman Catholics through the ages, including wrongs inflicted on Jews, women and minorities (the first ever ’Bulk Confession’)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1894    [107] Coca-Cola 1st sold in bottles (before that, you had to buy by the handful)
1948    [53] 1st chapter of ‘Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club’
1951    [50] 1st “Dennis the Menace” comic strip (Hank Ketchum names him after his son)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues-Sun] window for ‘Mir’ to fall back to Earth
[Thurs] Ides of March
[Sun] World Figure Skating Championships begin (Vancouver)
National Older Workers Employment Week
National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INTERVIEW:
A new 3-month online coaching program will purportedly help you get chosen for the next “Survivor” game. ‘Weekend Survivor Coach Expeditions’ in Nevada are also offered, giving you a chance to test your survival potential. What’s all this cost? Do you learn to stick a pig?
NET: http://www.SurvivorCoach.com
PHONER: 702-399-5638 (JR Russell)

BS TRIVIA:
• His real name is believed to be ‘Maewyn Succat’. What do we call him? [St Patrick]
• By tradition, which brings good luck on St Patrick’s Day — finding a four-leaf clover, wearing green, or kissing the Blarney Stone? [Trick question — the Irish Tourist Board says all of them!]

BS TAG LINE: Silence cannot be misquoted.