Wednesday, March 7, 2001 Edition: #2006
The “2001 Nokia Brier”, the Canadian Men’s Curling Championship, wraps up SUNDAY in Ottawa. So here’s some . . .
BS REASONS WHY CURLING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
• You can score up to 10 times in one night.
• Lasts up to 2-and-a-half hours.
• When you’re finished, someone else has to clean the sheets.
• It’s OK to yell, “Hurry, hurry, hard all the way!”
• There are four positions, but you only have to be good at one of them.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
There’s a slight chance Harrison Ford will show up in Gimli MB TODAY during a Lake Winnipeg shoot on his sub movie “K-19: The Widowmaker” . . . TONIGHT the 3rd Annual “TV Guide Awards” air on FOX, but since they were pre-recorded we already know that “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “The West Wing” take home most of the hardware (ironically Bette Midler wins ‘Actress of the Year in a New Series’ on the same night the last episode of her cancelled show airs) . . . Sit-com veteran Bob Newhart is considering a return to network TV in a show to co-star “Thong Song” singer Sisqo (what would they call it? — he’s already used up “Bob”, “Newhart”, and “Bob Newhart”) . . . Don Henley confirms that the Eagles will reunite for a tour and a new album (the ‘Guitar-Playin’ Geezers Metamusic Tour’) . . . The star of the new Brit TV series “Metrosexuality”, a drama featuring graphic lesbian sex, is Pui Fan Lee, the woman who voices ‘Po’ in the “Teletubbies” (wait’ll Jerry Falwell gets a hold of this!).
SCREW THIS JOB:
Nearly 40% of respondents to this year’s ‘Vault Survey of Office Romance’ admit having sexual encounters at work. Most of these ‘meetings’ took place on an office desk, though conference rooms and even the boss’s office made the list. (I gotta re-think this whole home office thing.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A Dutch insurance company is providing clients over 80-years-old with underwear lined with cushions to prevent them from fracturing hips in falls. (If that doesn’t reduce the number of claims, they’re considering NERF houses.)
• A 28-year-old fitness fanatic in London has made a £1 bet with a British bookie that he’ll still be alive on his birthday March 1, 2100. With odds at 10-million-to-one, he’ll win £10 million if he lives to be 127. (Good plan. A 127-year-old man can have a lot of fun with 10 million pounds.)
• Customers who spend over $1,300 at a Hong Kong jeweler qualify to use the shop’s newest attraction — a toilet made of 24-carat gold. (For an additional $500 you get to scribble graffiti on the walls with caviar.)
• Australian marine biologists have discovered that a chemical used for boat cleaning has caused thousands of female sea snails in Melbourne’s Port Phillip Bay to grow male genitalia. The scientists say they’ve come up with a method to change the transsexuals back to females. (It involves a teeny little knife and a very steady hand.)
• On a weekend flight to NYC, the Swedish cabinet’s ‘Gender Equality Expert’ reportedly harassed airline hostesses repeatedly and then vomited in the lap of his boss, Sweden’s female Equality Minister. (Geez, about the only thing he missed is farting in the cockpit.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.07.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [59] Michael Eisner, Mt Kisko NY, Walt Disney CEO who makes obscene amounts of moola
1956 [45] Bryan Cranston, TV actor (the father Hal-“Malcolm In The Middle”)
1960 [41] Joe Carter, Oklahoma City OK, MLB analyst (CTV)/former MLB slugger (2 World Series-Toronto Blue Jays)
1971 [30] Rachel Weisz, London ENG, movie actress (“The Mummy”) NEXT FILM: “The Mummy Returns”, opening MAY 4
1980 [21] Laura Prepon, Watchung NJ, TV actress (Donna Pinciotti-“That ‘70s Show”)
1977 [24] Paul Cattermole, St Albans ENG, pop singer (S Club 7-“S Club Party”)/TV actor (“LA 7″, Miami 7″)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
There is no significant celebration of any kind going on anywhere. This is a good day to ask listeners, “If you could create your own holiday, what would it be?” (How about “Hallmark Card Day”, “Stay Home & Have Goat Sex Day”, “Put Your Daughter To Work Day”, “St Hooters Day” or “Hash Wednesday”?)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1999 [02] Movie director Stanley Kubrick (“Eyes Wide Shut”, “2001: A Space Odyssey”) dies in England at age 70
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1876 [125] Alexander Graham Bell patents the ‘telephone’, and 3 days later makes 1st phone call
1933 [68] Clarence Darrow invents board game “Monopoly” (although some say he stole the idea from earlier games including Lizzie J Magie’s “The Landlord’s Game”, created in 1904)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] International Women’s Day
[Mon] Alberta election (aka ‘Coronation of King Ralph’)
Newspaper In Education Week
Music In Our Schools Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• The most UFO sightings in Canada originate in Newfoundland. (BS. According to the Canadian UFO Survey, of the 263 reported sightings LAST YEAR, most [102] came from BC, Canada’s top pot producing province. Coincidence?)
• Henry Woodward of Toronto invented the electric light bulb in 1874, but sold the patent to Thomas Edison. (True, because he couldn’t raise funding to develop the invention. Should’ve asked the PM to put in a good word with the Federal Business Development Bank.)
• There are now more ex-smokers than smokers in Canada. (True. A new report from StatsCan says 5.9 million Canadians are smokers, while 6 million are confirmed quitters. This means there are 100,000 more people mooching butts than buying them.)
• The offspring of an ox is called an ‘oxling’. (BS. An ox cannot have offspring, it’s a BULL that’s been castrated. Owww, we really take offence to that.)
• The Indian city of New Delhi employs 100 professional cowcatchers. (True! There’s worse jobs — cow dung catcher, for instance.)
• A condominium in a high-rise building is known as a ‘Scoville Unit’. (BS. Scoville Units measure the heat of chili peppers.)
BS TAG LINE: “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” — Britney Spears
