Tuesday, March 6, 2001                                                         Edition: #2005

BS THINGS MEN WOULD LOVE TO TELL WOMEN (IF THEY HAD THE BALLS):
• If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
• If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
• It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the magazine quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
• Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Just SAY it!
• Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway. It’s genetic.
• You can either tell us to do something or tell us how to do something — but not BOTH.
• If it itches, it will be scratched.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY’s online United Nations Children’s Fund charity auction, spearheaded by actor Liam Neeson, will offer up movie memorabilia like Catherine Zeta Jones’ “Mask of Zorro” costume, Harrison Ford’s “Indiana Jones” bullwhip and Mel Gibson’s “Braveheart” sword . . . Michael Jackson will hobble into England’s Oxford University on a busted foot TODAY to deliver a lecture for his charity ‘Heal the Kids’ (TOMORROW he’ll be ‘Best Man’ at psychic Uri Gellar’s wedding, who says he can ‘Heal the Foot’) . . . Word is Eminem will likely accept a $4 million offer to star in the movie “Lazarus”, originally written as a 4th instalment of “The Crow” series, and DMX may play the movie’s good guy (if he’s out of the slammer in time) . . . Satisfied with ratings for the “Temptation Island” finale, FOX-TV is currently scouting locations for a sequel (why not a Pacific atoll, then they could call it what it is — “T&A”?).

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Ben Stiller meets his girlfriend’s parents and her suspicious father Robert DeNiro turns out to be every date’s worst nightmare in the comedy “Meet the Parents” . . . “The Contender”, a political thriller starring  Joan Allen as a US Senator with a shot at becoming the first female Vice-President – until sleazy rumors about her past surface . . . And special-edition DVDs of Alfred Hitchcock classics are out today, including “Rear Window”, “Psycho”, and “Vertigo”.

STRIPE LOIN:
Unlike North America where beef now outsells chicken in restaurants by almost 40%, fear of mad cow disease and more recently foot-and-mouth has Europeans avoiding beef like the plague. One restaurant in York, England has taken beef and pork right off the menu and replaced it with — zebra — because they aren’t affected by foot-and-mouth and aren’t an endangered species. (“Hey waiter, these aren’t grill marks!”)

“SPACE JUMP”:
Australian Rodd Millner has announced he’ll attempt a record-breaking skydive in March, 2002 from a high-altitude helium balloon 130,000 ft above Earth! If the 10-minute free-fall is successful, he’ll set records as the highest balloonist ever to live, the highest skydiver, the longest free-fall, and the first human to break the sound barrier unaided. (As well as first ‘human accordion’.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.06.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940    [61] Ken Danby, Sault Ste Marie ON, sports-themed artist (“The Goalie”)
1947    [54] Rob Reiner, Bronx NY, film director (“A Few Good Men”, “When Harry Met Sally”)/movie actor (“First Wive’s Club”, “Sleepless in Seattle”)/ex-TV actor (Meathead-“All in the Family”)
1972    [29] Shaquille O’Neal, Newark NJ, NBA star (LA Lakers)/sometime movie actor (“He Got Game”)/occasional rap artist (“Shaq Diesel”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Frozen Food Day”, commemorating the first ‘individually packaged frozen foods’, created by Clarence Birdseye in Springfield MA 71 years ago (1930). He got the idea after seeing Canadians thawing and eating naturally frozen fish.

MARCH is “National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month”, as declared by the group ‘Parenting Without Pressure’. Hey, give it a try — you’ll be amazed what you might learn!

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1834     [167] City of Toronto incorporated, with William Lyon Mackenzie as 1st mayor
1912    [89] 1st ‘Oreo’ cookie sold (362 billion have sold since. Stacked on top of each other, the pile would reach to the Moon and back — more than 5 times.)
1992    [09] In one of the 1st computer virus scares, thousands worldwide are struck by ‘Michelangelo’
2000    [01] World’s 1st one-gigahertz computer chip unveiled

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1982    [19] Susan Birmingham sets world record for ‘loudest human shout’ — 120 decibels!

AND REMEMBER . . .
[2 weeks today] 1st day of Spring
[Thurs] Purim begins at sundown
Conserve Water/Detect-A-Leak Week
National Professional Pet Sitters Week (“Sit!” “Sit!” I said, “Sit!”)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS AMAZING FACTS!
• According to a retail consulting firm, fashion trends now have an average lifespan of only 8-12 weeks. Just 2 years ago, they lasted 5 months! (“Ohmygawd, your outfit is sooo 15 minutes ago!”)
• Every day the world loses about 100 species of animals and plants, says “Talk” magazine. (But why not Brussels sprouts?)
• The most painful type of pain on Earth, according to doctors quoted in “Focus”, is brought about by kidney stones. (Make that MALE doctors . . . who’ve never given birth.)
• “Esquire” claims that Bill Clinton lets his dog ‘Buddy’ sleep in bed with him whenever Hillary is away. (No surprise. He’s slept with dogs before.)

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
• “Malls Try To Attract Shoppers”
• “Low Wages Said Key To Poverty”
• “Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link”
• “Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear”
• “Biting Nails Can Be Sign of Tenseness in a Person”

BS TAG LINE: The boss gives us direction in our lives. When we ask for a raise, he points to the door.