Thursday, March 30, 2000 Edition: #1775
Today is “Doctors’ Day”, an observance since 1933, commemorating the 1st use of anaesthetic during surgery by one Dr Crawford W Long in 1842. He got the idea by observing party-goers hammered on nitrous oxide and sulfuric ether (and that’s no BS!).
BS SIGNS YOUR DOC MAY NOT BE LEGIT:
• Uses Pokemon lunch box for medical bag.
• Announces she’ll be using anaesthesia — on herself.
• Keeps reciting the ‘Hypocritical Oath’.
• Prepping for surgery consists of sharpening dull scalpel against a rock.
• Tells you to take off your clothes, puts on a Sinatra record.
• Other patients’ heads mounted on waiting room wall.
• Asks you to sign legal release form stating you were dead BEFORE the operation.
• After you turn your head and cough he says, “OK, my turn.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Gabe Kaplan from TV’s ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’ (the show that launched John Travolta) quit show biz in the ‘80s, but he’s attempting a comeback tonight with a new stand-up routine in that entertainment Mecca — Mobile, Alabama . . . Ex-“Beverly Hills 90210″ star turned drunk driver Jason Priestly‘s new address — LA Gateway Correctional Institute 90026 . . . Backstreet Boys have recorded a duet with — huh? — Lionel Richie that”ll be on his new CD this summer (show me the meaning of charity) . . . 45-year-old former “Body Heat” actress Kathleen Turner is hot in London these days — stripping naked nightly to play ‘Mrs Robinson’ in a stage production of “The Graduate” (patrons are especially impressed with the ‘tube’ map on her legs) . . . “The Sixth Sense” is now #10 on the money list of all-time domestic films at $290 million-plus.
MOVIES GETTING MADE:
CBC’s “Red Green Show” will hit the bigscreen, with the $4-million film “Red Green’s Duct Tape Forever” shooting this fall (can you watch this guy without constantly clearing your throat?) . . . “Dawson’s Creek” creator/“Scream”-writer Kevin Williamson is courting Sandra Bullock to star in his upcoming spoof of romantic comedies (suggested title — “Pretty Woman You’ve Got Mail in Seattle”) . . . And just to show you how important storyline is, Lucasfilm reports the script for “Star Wars: Episode II” is not complete but enough of the story is ‘known’ to begin work (well heck in that case, cue ‘Jar Jar’ and roll ‘em!).
BIG BROTHER’S WATCHING YOU:
The publication “Private Journal” warns that browsing the Internet isn’t as private as you think and claims an ad agency called ‘Double Click’ can identify not only your screen name but real name, address, phone number and all the Websites you visit. The technology attaches a code number to surfers — the equivalent of tagging a wild animal’s ear. (And the really bad news is — the list of porn sites you visited while the wife was out shopping last night is already in her e-mail box — at work.)
NO PARLEZ THE FRENCHIE:
A PQ cabinet minister in Quebec has expressed alarm at the increasing use of English in France and is urging the motherland to speak more French. (His counterpart in France has responded, “Tabernac, shut up!”)
THE BULL SHEET 03.30.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937  Warren Beatty, Richmond VA, film actor/director/producer (Bulworth, Bugsy, Oscar-Reds)/Irving Thalberg Award at 2000 Oscars/Mr Annette Bening
1945  Eric Clapton, Ripley ENG, rock guitarist/singer (Grammy-Change the World)
1957  Paul Reiser, NYC, former $1 million-per-episode TV actor (Paul Buchman-Mad About You)
1964  Tracy Chapman, Cleveland OH, folk/rock singer (Give Me One Reason, Fast Car)
1968  Céline Dion, Charlemagne PQ, pop vocalist (That’s The Way It Is, My Heart Will Go On)
1983  Scott Moffatt, Victoria BC, pop singer (The Moffatts-Until You Loved Me, Crazy)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “National Badminton Day”, honoring the sport first introduced in the early 1800s as ‘poona’. (Just last weekend I was over at the YWCA chasing some poona.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993 Ottawa Senators’ 37th consecutive defeat on the road, tying NHL record set in 1975
1998 Biggest-ever single lottery prize in Canada as Bernard & Krista Nauss of Parkhill ON win $22.5 million in ‘Super 7′
1999 Stud muffin Fabio’s promotional ride on new Busch Gardens roller coaster cut short when goose hits him in the nose (but he’s back on his feet and unemployed again in no time)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1858  Hyman Lipman patents 1st ‘pencil with attached eraser’ (Why didn’t he call it a ‘Lipman’? “Can I borrow your Lipman?” “Would you please sharpen my Lipman?”)
1935  1st ‘Newfie time’ as Newfoundland changes zone to 3½ hours W of Greenwich (Right now it’s [correct time] here and in Newfoundland it’s 1947.)
1954  Canada’s 1st subway opens in Toronto (at the corner of Yonge and Bloor. No wait a sec, that was a Mr Submarine)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] No Homework Day
[Sat] World Curling Championships begin (Glasgow SCOT)
National Sleep Awareness Week
Humorists Are Artists Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
ACTUAL NOTES WRITTEN ON MEDICAL CHARTS: (Just in time for “Doctor’s Day”!)
• “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
• “Husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
• “The patient refused an autopsy.”
• “The patient has no past history of suicides.”
• “Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.”
• “She is numb from her toes down.”
• “Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.”
• “The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.”
(Thanks to Alan Caruba)
THE LAST WORD: Profanity sucks.
A BS SALUTE! Welcome to the pasture and a big moo to a couple of our latest subscribers – Cadillac Jack at WYAY-FM in Atlanta, and Carsten Worsoe at Radio ANR in Aalborg, Denmark.