Wednesday, March 22, 2000                                       Edition:  #1769

Last night Jean Chrétien hosted a private dinner for select cabinet ministers at 24 Sussex Dr in an effort to patch up battered relations with Finance Minister Paul Martin. Thanks to a fly on the wall, here’s some . . .
BS THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE DINNER:
• “Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!!!”
• “OK, so you balanced da budget. Hey buddy, balance dis!”
• “You HAVE to retire. There just isn’t any room left for new corporations in Shawinigan.”
• “No! I said dat was my most successful ELECTION in years.”
• “More tequila, Mrs Chrétien?
• “Mr Martin please pay attention and stop shoving pins in the doll.”
• “Could I have another taxpayer-subsidized lobster?”
• “Hey Jean! That sleeper hold is illegal!”
• “Et tu, Paul?”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Ottawa-bred MTV comedian Tom Green underwent a second round of surgery for testicular cancer yesterday in LA accompanied by “Entertainment Tonight” cameras (and likely new girlfriend Drew Barrymore) . . . The Guess Who will kick off a 20-date Canadian tour in May (maybe they can open for Tal Bachman) . . . Madonna’s latest sperm vesicle, Brit director Guy Ritchie, has asked the media that their privacy be respected during her pregnancy (hell freezes over, pigs fly . . .) . . . Paul McCartney tops the new “London Times” listing of richest British music stars with a fortune worth $864 million . . . Yet another “Star Trek” series is being developed as “Star Trek: Voyager” winds down to its final season (tentatively titled ‘Star Trek: Flogging a Dead Horse’).

“HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE A 20?”
The world’s largest coffee producing countries, Brazil and Columbia, have agreed to withhold some 6 million sacks of the upcoming bean harvest in an effort to inflate coffee prices. (In related news, Starbucks has announced customers can now obtain over-the-counter applications for a ‘Double Latte Loan’.)

CROSS-BORDER CRISIS:
There’s word that illegal, cheap American bingo cards have allegedly infiltrated Canadian bingo halls, threatening Canadian jobs. (The federal trade minister promises to make a formal protest at the next ‘G-8′ meetings.)

NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Toeless Hosiery’ –The hot summer fashion in Brazil that’s predicted to catch on here. It offers the body-shaping benefits of pantyhose, but with bare toes for appearance and coolness. (The dumbest idea since ‘knee-highs’.)
• ‘Entreprenerds’ – The new nickname for the computer geeks who are responsible for all those Internet startups.
• ‘Moved to Atlanta’ – What happens to a Web page that is no longer available. The term comes from the computer error message ‘404, page not found’. (Atlanta’s area code is 404.)
• ‘Speeddating’ — Currently popular with Jewish singles groups. Men and women converse at tables. Every 8 minutes a bell rings and the men rotate to the next woman. After each round, participants indicate on a card whether they ever want to see the current partner again. (Saves enduring a horrendous first date with someone you immediately find incompatible.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.22.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931    [69] William Shatner, Montréal PQ, TV/film actor (Capt Kirk-Star Trek)
1948    [52] Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, London ENG, musical composer (Tony Awards for Phantom of the Opera, Cats, Evita)
1972    [28] Elvis Stojko, Richmond Hill ON, Canadian Men’s Figure Skating champion (world  champ in ‘94, ‘95, ‘97)/first quad combination jump at ‘91 Worlds in Munich/black belt in karate
1974    [26] Marcus Camby, Hartford CT, NBA forward (NY Knicks, ex-Toronto Raptor)
1976    [24] Reese Witherspoon, Nashville TN, movie actress (American Psycho, Cruel Intentions, Pleasantville)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “As Young As You Feel Day”, a day to quit wallowing in worry about your chronological age and start feeling peppy!

Today is also “International Goof-Off Day”, a day to relax, be yourself and generally just goof off.

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994    NFL announces addition of ‘2-point conversion’, first scoring change in 75 seasons
1998    Sarah McLachlan takes home 4 awards from 27th annual Junos, Our Lady Peace wins 2
1999    Shania Twain’s “Come On Over” album certified for sales of 9 million copies

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1894     [106] 1st Stanley Cup championship game (Montreal Amateur Athletic Association defeats Ottawa Capitals 3-1)
• Original trophy cost $48.67 and was purchased the previous year by Sir Frederick Arthur Stanley
• Teams with most Stanley Cup titles since current playoff format began in 1926-27 — Montreal Canadiens (24), Toronto Maple Leafs (11), Detroit Red Wings (8)
• Record for playing in most Stanley Cup games is held by Larry Robinson (203 for Montreal and 24 for LA Kings)
• The Stanley Cup competition remains the oldest in professional sports in North America.
(Source for above: “Those Were the Days”)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] World Meteorological Day
[Sun] World Figure Skating Championships begin (Nice FRA)
Jobs for Teens Week
National Professional Social Work Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS OSCAR QUIZ:
• Does an Oscar statue come with a warranty? (Yup, a lifetime warranty that guarantees refurbishment or replacement if it needs repair — say it falls into a dumpster or something.)
• What were Oscars made of during WWII — tin, plaster or paper maché? (Due to wartime rationing, they were made of plaster.)
• What was the first sequel to win the ‘Best Picture’ Oscar? (“The Godfather, Part II” in 1974.)
• Who was the youngest performer to win an acting Oscar? (10-year-old Tatum O’Neal for “Paper Moon” in ’74. Shirley Temple won a special ‘Juvenile Award’ at age 7, but never an acting Oscar.)
(Source: Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences)

THE LAST WORD: Things too stupid to be spoken are often sung.