Friday, March 17, 2000 Edition: #1766
BEST BS ST PATRICK’S DAY TOASTS:
• “May you never be as unhappy as a Catholic in Belfast.”
• “May Pamela Lee fondle your blarney stones.”
• “Here’s green beer in your eye!”
• “Here’s shrapnel in your eye!”
• “May Erin go bra-less.”
• “May your 18 children learn to use contraceptives.”
• “May you never remember the night before.”
• “May you have the hair of Bono and the balls of Sinead O’Connor.”
• “May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef & cabbage you had for lunch.”
• “Hey! You! Wake up and drink this!”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Close to 20 TV stations are now refusing to air that controversial new animated show “God, the Devil & Bob”, meaning it could soon be history . . . “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” will feature celebrity contestants in April, including Rosie O’Donnell (it’s expected the millionaire celebs will donate any winnings to charity) . . . In her new memoir “Cybill Disobedience”, tattletale actress Cybill Shepherd admits to a threesome with a pair of ‘stuntmen’, claims Elvis “wore more makeup than I did”, and says Don Johnson’s lovemaking “lasted a nanosecond” (and you thought guys were bad for kissing and telling!).
OPENING IN THEATERS TODAY:
Julia Roberts plays a research assistant helping lawyer Albert Finney sue a giant utility company for poisoning a town’s water in the drama “Erin Brockovich” (for this role she became the first actress to join the $20-million club) . . . Devon Sawa warns friends not to board a flight after premonitions of a crash, but they begin dying in mysterious ways anyway in the teen thriller “Final Destination” . . . “Beyond the Mat”, a documentary on the lives of pro wrestlers (WWF honcho Vince McMahon reportedly put pressure on TV networks not to run ads for the film) . . . The ‘73 horror classic “The Exorcist” opens in re-release, likely to hype the sequel “Exorcist: Dominion” coming later this year (just in time for St Patty’s Day, Linda Blair starts hurlin’ a wee bit o’ the green again).
THIS IS A JOB FOR BRUCE WILLIS!
American fire-and-brimstone evangelist Billy Peterson is predicting Earth will be destroyed by an asteroid today. (Just in case he’s right, I’m hitting the snooze button 4 times.)
GETTING A GLOW ON:
Scientists in the Bordeaux wine-producing region of France are working to develop a grape that glows in the dark so it’ll be easier and cheaper for workers to harvest them at night. (Also more visible when ‘writing your name in the snow’ after a flagon of wine.)
REAL MEN DON’T DO DOCS:
According to new research, women are 3 times more likely to visit a doctor than men – not just for regular checkups, but also when they’re really sick. (They’d rather stay home and whine at their wives.)
DISC DOMINANCE:
A new study predicts DVD sales will surpass VHS videotape sales by 2003. And what’s likely to convince you to switch to DVD? Recordable DVD players, coming next year. (I’m waaaay behind – I just upgraded to Betamax.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.17.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [56] Cito Gaston, San Antonio TX, MLB hitting coach (Toronto)/former MLB manager who led Blue Jays to consecutive World Series titles (1992-93)
1951 [49] Kurt Russell, Springfield MA, film actor (Soldier, Escape From LA)/Goldie Hawn’s partner
1955 [45] Gary Sinise, Blue Island IL, film actor (Mission to Mars, Reindeer Games, Ransom)
1964 [36] Rob Lowe, Charlottesville VA, TV actor (Sam Seaborn-The West Wing)/movie actor (Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me)
1967 [33] Billy Corgan, Chicago IL, rock singer/guitarist (Smashing Pumpkins-1979)
1972 [28] Melissa Auf der Maur, Montréal PQ, rock singer/bassist (Smashing Pumpkins, ex-Hole)
1976 [24] Brittany Daniel, Gainesville FL, TV actress (Eve Whitman-Dawson’s Creek)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [39] Poppin’ Fresh (the ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’), fat guy/TV ad huckster
1963 [37] Vanessa L Williams, Tarrytown NY, pop singer (Colors of the Wind)/film actress (Soul Food, Eraser)/former Miss America ‘stripped’ of title
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [53] Glenn Close, Greenwich CT, film actress (Air Force One, 101 Dalmations)
1955 [45] Bruce Willis, Idar-Oberstein GER, film actor (The Whole Nine Yards, The Sixth Sense)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
The federal Liberal Party’s biennial convention gets underway in Ottawa today with Jean Chrétien battling to fend off calls for him to step aside. (Paul Martin’s got the gold watch ready.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1992 kd lang releases hit album “Ingenue”, featuring “Constant Craving”
1997 Farmers in India threaten to set themselves on fire in protest against Taj Mahal Yanni concert
1999 NFL owners vote for return of ‘instant replay’, giving coaches two ‘challenges’ per game
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1845 [155] 1st ‘rubber band’ patented (next day, 1st schoolboy gets twapped in the back of the head)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Maple Syrup Saturday
[Sun] Poultry Day
[Mon] Spring arrives (at 2:35am EST)
[Wed] National Goof-Off Day
National Older Workers Employment Week
National Nutrition Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
ST PATRICK’S DAY FAX:
• Began as a ‘solemn religious observance’ to honor St Patrick (389-461 AD), patron saint of Ireland, bishop and missionary, who purportedly drove the snakes out of Ireland (what they don’t tell you is that
he was the only one who saw any snakes!).
• An Irish holiday for 1500 years, the first celebration in Canada was in 1765 in Québec City.
• It’s estimated there are 250 St Patrick’s Day parades across North America, but only 4 in Ireland.
THE LAST WORD:
What’s black and blue and found floating in the Irish Sea? Someone who tells a stupid Irish joke.
