Monday, March 6, 2000 Edition: #1757
BS SIGNS YOU’VE HAD A BAD ‘SPRING BREAK’:
• You used an entire box of condoms and never slept with anyone.
• Next month you have to go back for ‘sentencing’.
• During the 27-hour car trip, your friends insisted on playing their entire collection of karaoke tapes.
• You first learned that jet skis have no brakes as you smashed into the pier.
• You stayed on campus to take advantage of short cafeteria lines.
• The clinic says your Spring Break ‘souvenir’ will only go away with penicillin.
• You studied a lot.
• You can actually REMEMBER Spring Break.
• Three words — pasty white thighs.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Extra, Extra!” says Bruce Willis will make 3 upcoming appearances as the father of ‘Ross’s’ new girlfriend. on “Friends” beginning April 27th. So why’s Bruce “Moonlighting”? Seems he and Matthew Perry became friends while working on “The Whole Nine Yards”.
• “E! Online” reports country star Vince Gill and gospel/pop singer Amy Grant will marry this coming Friday. (Why the big rush? Could they be expecting a “Baby Baby”?)
• Because the world’s been wondering, “Entertainment Tonight” tells us Jennifer Lopez used ‘toupee tape’ to hold up that infamous Versace dress she wore at the Grammys. (The last boob we saw wearing toupee tape was Burt Reynolds.)
• Madonna tells London’s “Mirror” that marriage may lie in the future with director Guy Ritchie. (He’s no Rupert Everett but he’s “The Next Best Thing”.)
• “Star” says Britney Spears is considering a film role where she’d play a drug-addicted teenage lesbian. (Seems Drew Barrymore isn’t available.)
• “National Enquirer” reports that another “Ally McBeal” star is looking skeletal these days. Portia DeRossi, who plays ‘Nelle Porter’, is apparently down to just 111 lbs on her 5-9 frame. (Next to ‘Ally’ she’s positively blimpish!)
ROCK IMMORTALS:
Tonight the 15th annual “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” induction ceremony will be held at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in NYC. This year’s inductees include Eric Clapton (first 3-time inductee after previously being enshrined with the Yardbirds and Cream), James Taylor, Bonnie Raitt, Earth Wind & Fire, the Lovin’ Spoonful, and the Moonglows.
1999’S TOP EARNING ACTORS:
• Mel Gibson ($45 million)
• Nicolas Cage ($36 million)
• John Travolta ($32 million)
• Adam Sandler ($28 million)
(Source: new “Forbes” magazine ‘Celebrity’ list)
SUPPOSE YOU THREW A PARTY AND NOBODY CAME:
To protest escalating fuel prices, some 150 truckers roared up Parliament Hill with air-horns blaring Friday, but nobody was home. Key government officials were all on spring break. (In an attempt to set a further record for futility, the truckers say their next protest will be at Olympic Stadium during an Expos game.)
Refer a friend to BS and get a FREE MONTH!
THE BULL SHEET 03.06.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1923 [77] Ed McMahon, Detroit MI, ex-TV personality (Tonight Show, Star Search)
1940 [60] Ken Danby, Sault Ste Marie ON, sports-themed artist (“The Goalie”)
1947 [53] Rob Reiner, Bronx NY, film director (Ghosts of Mississippi, A Few Good Men)/actor (First Wive’s Club, All in the Family)
1968 [32] Moira Kelly, Queens NY, TV actress (Madeleine “Mandy” Hampton-The West Wing)
1972 [28] Shaquille O’Neal, Newark NJ, NBA star (LA Lakers)/sometime movie actor (He Got Game)/occasional rap artist (Shaq Diesel)
1972 [28] Chris Taylor, Stratford ON, NHL center (Buffalo Sabres)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “National Frozen Food Day”, commemorating the first ‘individually packaged frozen foods’, created by Clarence Birdseye in Springfield MA 70 years ago today (1930). He got the idea after seeing Canadians thawing and eating naturally frozen fish. TRIVIA: What is the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or found in any other form but fresh? (Lettuce.)
Today is “Bun Day” in Iceland when children invade homes with colorful sticks and receive gifts of whipped cream buns. (In North America, a home invasion to get buns will net you 20 years.)
It’s “National Procrastination Week”, proclaimed by the ‘Procrastinators’ Club’ to promote the benefits of putting off until tomorrow everything you can. (We’ll have a special bit on this next week.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994 “Playgirl” magazine features nude fold-out of 79-year-old Arden Rogers
1996 Detroit’s Chris Osgood becomes the 3rd goaltender in NHL history to score a goal (empty net)
1997 Queen Elizabeth’s Website goes online (no naked downloads – thank gawd!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1834 [166] City of ‘York’ is incorporated as ‘Toronto’ (Indian word meaning ‘center of the universe’)
1899 [101] ‘Asprin’ patented by Felix Hoffmann
1950 [50] Invention of ‘Silly Putty’ (they’re celebrating with new ‘Gold Silly Putty’ and a ‘Silliest Uses for Silly Putty Contest’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Today] Shrove Monday or Rose Monday, the Monday before Lent.
[Wed] International Women’s Day
Autograph Collecting Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
• 18 years ago today (1982) Susan Birmingham set the world record for the loudest what? (Human shout — 120 decibels!)
• Which is the world’s busiest airport? (New figures from the Airports Council International show it’s Atlanta’s Hartsfield International for the 2nd consecutive year)
• How many countries have a version of the TV juggernaut “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”? (So far, 16 countries have their own version, including Russia, Poland, Greece, Holland, Spain, Denmark and Australia. It’s the WORLD’S most popular game show.)
THE LAST WORD:
The world’s full of apathy, but I don’t care.
