Friday, March 3, 2000 Edition: #1756
YOU MIGHT BE A BACHELOR IF . . .
• You can clean engine parts in the bathtub without someone yelling at you.
• It takes you 10 minutes every 6 months to buy new clothes.
• Your car gets waxed more often than the toilet gets cleaned.
• You have the pizza place on speed dial.
• Paper towels double as dishes.
• Beer is the freshest item in the fridge.
• You never listen to your messages when a female is around.
• If anything needs to be cooked longer than 5 minutes, it is a waste of time.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Montreal-based popsters Sky “(Love Song”) have announced they’re splitting up after just one year (all that separation talk in Québec can get to ya) . . . Warning! Former ‘Captain Kirk’ William Shatner is working on a new album of ‘beat poetry set to jazz music’ . . . CBS-TV is trying to wrestle the rights to the WWF away from cable’s USA Network (it would join CBS’ other show of fabricated conflict — “60 Minutes”) . . . Eric Clapton, who’ll become the first 3-time Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee on Monday, has been banned from driving in the UK for 6 months after being caught speeding (“They need a driver with an easy touch . . .”).
OPENING IN THEATERS TODAY:
Rupert Everett and Madonna play best friends who seem like a perfect match except for one thing — he’s gay — but somehow they end up as parents anyway in “The Next Best Thing” . . . Danny Devito plays a police chief trying to figure out who murdered Bette Midler in the comedy “Drowning Mona” (who cares whodunit as long as somebody did?) . . . Kevin Bacon plays the overprotective father of a 9-year-old introverted boy whose life is changed by a puppy, in the family flick “My Dog Skip” . . . Garry Shandling is an alien who travels across the galaxy to find a mating partner in the comedy “What Planet Are You From?”.
SHE SAYS ‘NO THONGS’:
Japan’s first woman city governor Fusae Ota has announced she’s shelving her plan to also become the country’s first female to enter a Sumo ring and present a trophy. (She’ll now seek alternative ways to solve the country’s major wedgie problem.)
NO WONDER THEY DRIVE BIMMERS:
A new study in “Focus” magazine finds that the standard European Union size for condoms is TOO BIG for many German men and actually falls off about 50% of them. (Explaining the old German adage: It’s ze motion of ze ocean, not ze size of das boot.)
NOW HOW WILL MPs GET FREE CIGARS?
This week Canada ordered a Cuban diplomat accused of spying by the US to immediately leave the Cuban embassy in Ottawa. (Under Canadian law, if he does not leave the country within one business day, he will be dealt with by Marty McSorley.)
BITE ME!
Thousands of tourists from around-the-world have been converging on a stretch of the Amazon River to engage in the latest back-to-nature fad in Brazil — swimming with man-eating piranhas! (A Canadian variation is being developed — on Bay Street.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.03.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1920 [80] James Doohan, Vancouver BC, ex-TV actor (Scotty-Star Trek)/soon-to-be new dad
1958 [42] Miranda Richardson, Southport ENG, movie actress (Sleepy Hollow, The Apostle)
1976 [24] Danny Masterson, Albertson NY, TV sit-com actor (Steve Hyde-That ‘70s Show)
1982 [18] Jessica Biel, Ely MN, TV actress (Mary Camden-Seventh Heaven)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [46] Catherine O’Hara, Toronto ON, actress (Home Fries, Home Alone I & II, SCTV)
1968 [32] Patsy Kensit, Hounslow ENG, film actress (Lethal Weapon 2)/Mrs Liam Gallagher (Oasis)
1969 [31] Chastity Bono, LA CA, Sonny & Cher’s daughter/GLAAD spokesperson
1971 [29] Fergal Lawler, Dublin IRE, rock musician (Cranberries-I Can’t Be With You, Linger)
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [45] Penn Jillette, Greenfield MA, slightly warped magician (Penn & Teller)
1989 [11] Jake Lloyd, Fort Collins CO, movie actor (Anakin Skywalker-The Phantom Menace)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “I Want You To Be Happy Day”, a day to show love, care and concern for others. (Tomorrow is “Back to the Same Ol’ Crapola Day”.)
The Canadian men’s curling championship is up for grabs at “The Labatt Brier” Saturday through March 12th in Saskatoon. Hard to believe, but it’s one of the highest-rated sports events on Canadian TV.
PHONER: 306-652-2000
NET: http://www.brier2000.com
The “2000 Arctic Winter Games” shiver Sunday through March 11th in Whitehorse YT. International teams compete in a variety of sports including Inuit games, dog mushing, and snowshoeing.
NET: http://www.awg.ca/
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1998 Faith Hill releases hit single “This Kiss”
1998 Madonna releases Grammy-winning “Ray of Light” album
1999 Barbara Walters’ much-hyped Monica Lewinsky interview on 2-hour “20/20″ special
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1875 [125] By some accounts, 1st recorded hockey game is played (Montréal)
1939 [61] 1st live ‘goldfish swallowing’ sets off fad (Lothrup Withington Jr-Harvard U) FACTOID: World record is 199
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day, Mardi Gras)
Return the Borrowed Book Week
Red Cross Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“A litre of gasoline now costs up to 80¢ in Canada. At what price would you actually do something to protest?”
THE LAST WORD: Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
