March 25, 2009

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009        Edition: #3982
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!


57-year-old actor/comedian Robin Williams is expected to take 2 months to make a complete recovery from his March 13th heart surgery at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, then plans to resume his comedy tour (ironically called “Weapons of Self-Destruction”) . . . Oscar-nominated actress Anne Hathaway has been signed to portray legendary singer Judy Garland in both film & stage adaptations of the biography “Get Happy: The Life Of Judy Garland” (they’ll need a hedge-trimmer for her eyebrows) . . . Looks like the world still needs help from ‘Jack Bauer’ – actor Keifer Sutherland says “24” (FOX) has been picked up for another season (an 8th ‘day’, if you will) . . . The “Twilight” DVD sold more than 3 million copies on its first day of release Saturday, according to “Hollywood Reporter” . . . Seems now it’s off-again – actress Jennifer Aniston has reportedly dumped sometime singer-boyfriend John Mayer after discovering he was spending hours on while claiming to be ‘too busy’ to get in touch with her (it’s the first ‘Tweet-up’) . . . Actress Demi Moore is urging a 29-year-old terminally-ill cancer patient not to follow through on a plan to spend $60,000 on cosmetic surgery in order to look like the actress before she dies (Demi, after all, spent more than $300,000 to get that lovely rubber-skin look) . . . And reigning “American Idol” David Cook has warned overzealous fans on his website that he will be forced to take ‘preventative measures’ if they continue to invade his privacy by attempting to call or visit his hotel rooms and attach things to his bus while he’s on tour (dude, your wish will come true all too soon – just ask Justin Guarini).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The top 10 finalists return to the stage to pay tribute to “50 Years of Motown” by performing classic Motown songs.
• Green Day – The band’s long-awaited documentary, “Heart Like a Hand Grenade”, premieres in Los Angeles. The film documents the recording process of 2004’s “American Idiot”.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – Houston-based rockers Blue October (“Hate Me”) guest.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – All-American Rejects perform “Gives You Hell”.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Singer Norah Jones visits newlywed Dave.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Country star Martina McBride (“Ride”) is on.
• “Survivor” (CBS/Global) – The season recap show “The First Fifteen Days” airs, displaced from Thursday by the NCAA basketball tourney.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Prince begins a 3-night stand, reminiscent of U2’s recent week-long residency on “Late Show With David Letterman”.

• Chris Cornell – He says he’s not surprised at the negative reaction to his new Timberland-produced album “Scream” because it wasn’t created for his core fans. (For his mom then?)
• Lady Antebellum – They’ve signed on with water filtration company Brita and its ‘Filter For Good’ campaign to encourage fans to drink filtered water and use fewer plastic bottles in the process. The deal is the first corporate partnership for the country band (aka first sell out).
• Madonna – Her tempestuous love life could jeopardize her chance of adopting another child from Malawi, according to a government official. (BS translation: The bribe wasn’t big enough.)
• Rihanna – Her alleged beating has inspired an online PSA about dating violence. A new video by the organization features actors recreating the pop star’s grim, highly publicized confrontation with boyfriend Chris Brown.


New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Blitted’ – High on drugs, especially marijuana. (“Happily, Michael had come in to work blitted, so it didn’t seem so bad when he was fired.”)
• ‘On the Grind’ – Working hard. (“Jamie’s ex- tried to frame him for the murder but he had an alibi … he was on the grind at McDonalds at the time.)
• ‘ Wedsite’ – A website where a couple posts info about their upcoming or recent wedding. (“Please RSVP at our wedsite if you plan to attend. While you’re there, check out photos of all the gifts we’re registered for …”)


In a recent study of world currency, researchers found more cocaine residue on US bills than any other. Also found on money: staphylococcus bacteria and – yuck! – fecal matter. (If you’d like to get rid of all your filthy lucre, send it in and we’ll dispose of it for you!)
– “Discover Magazine”

A compilation of some of the most ridiculous complaints received by tour operators from clients over the past year …
• “The beach was too sandy.”
• “I compared the size of our 1-bedroom accommodation to our friends’ 3-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
• “We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring swimsuits.”
• “There are too many Spanish people (in Spain). The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners!”
• “No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
• “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
• “We had to line up outside with no air conditioning.”
• “I was bitten by a mosquito … no one said they could bite.”
• “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. My husband spent all day looking at other women.”
• “The soup was too thick and strong,” whines a hotel guest who’d inadvertently slurped gravy.
– “The Telegraph”

A new University of Zurich research paper entitled “Delay & Deservingness After Winning the Lottery” contends that winning a large lottery prize not only doesn’t lead to instant gratification, but causes close to 3 years of mental strain and angst. In the paper’s flowery lingo, receiving a windfall of cash causes ‘cognitive dissonance that is alleviated only when the tainted money comes to feel as deserved as earned income’. In other words, you have to grow into the wealthy lifestyle. (And hope there’s still something left once you get there.)
– “The Atlantic”

A coffee shop in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale MI has started a 10-day continuous live musical tribute to the American auto industry. The 240-hour “Assembly Line” show at AJ’s Music Café kicked off Friday with Motown star-turned-Detroit city councilor Martha Reeves singing “The Star-Spangled Banner”. Owner AJ O’Neil says he organized the show to pay tribute to American workers, products, and vehicles. He also hopes to set a “Guinness World Records” mark for a concert by multiple artists.
– ABC News


Some of the weirdest cases that ever ended up in court …
• A 77-year-old German playboy filed charges against a 19-year-old woman for … refusing to sleep with him. The suit claims that, despite a night on the town which ended back at his place, the defendant refused to put out. So he filed a suit on charges of ‘ageism’.
• In NYC, an investment broker has sued a midtown strip club, claiming he was injured while getting a paid lap dance after the dancer swung around and the spike heel of her shoe caught  him in the eye, thereby causing serious injury.
• After a 9-hour flight to Europe, a couple filed a $100,000-suit against American Airlines claiming lack of sufficient leg room caused the husband’s legs to be so unsteady that he tripped and broke his nose & teeth later at the entrance to the Basilica of St Paul’s in Rome.
• In Long Island NY, a doctor who was slapped with divorce papers from his cheating wife decided he wanted revenge and sued her for the return of a gift he’d given her 8 years prior … a kidney. He didn’t want the actual organ back, just a $1.5 million payment for its use.
• In Danbury CT, a 15-year-old high school student who fell asleep in class sued the school board, claiming he suffered substantial hearing loss when his math teacher smacked her palm down on his desk to wake him up. The complainant also alleges he’s been teased by fellow students ever since.
• In 1991, a man sued Anheuser-Busch, claiming he suffered emotional distress, mental injury, and financial loss because drinking Bud Light did not make his fantasies of beautiful women in tropical settings come to life, as the beer had advertised. The case was dismissed.


• The less eye contact you and your spouse make when talking, the happier you are with your marriage. (To be totally ecstatic, make it a long distance call.)
• You will allow a short stranger to stand twice as close to you as a tall one in an elevator. (Because they only come up to here … hey, wait a minute!)
– “The Book Of You” by Bernard Asbell


1942 [67] Aretha Franklin, Memphis TN, ‘Queen of Soul’ with 20 Grammy Awards (“Respect”, “Chain of Fools”)/first woman in Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame (1987)

1947 [62] Elton John (Sir Reginald Dwight), Pinner UK, pop singer (“Candle In the Wind”, “Your Song”) who’s sold over 250 million albums & 100 million singles, making him one of the most successful artists of all-time/winner of 5 Grammy Awards & 1 Academy Award

1962 [47] Marcia Cross, Marlborough MA, TV actress (‘Bree Van De Kamp’ on “Desperate Housewives” since 2004)

1965 [44] Sarah Jessica Parker, Nelsonville OH, movie actress (“Sex & the City: The Movie”)/TV actress (“Sex & the City” 1998-2004)/married to actor Matthew Broderick since 1997

1982 [27] Danica Patrick, Beloit WI, auto racing driver (“Indianapolis 500“ & IndyCar Series ‘Rookie Of the Year’ 2005)/1st woman to win an Indy car race (2008 Indy Japan 300)

• “Greek Independence Day”, the anniversary of the country’s proclamation of independence in 1821. Opa!

• “International Sing-Out Day”, a day to break out in song just like they do in the musicals.

• “International Waffle Day”, a holiday that originated in Sweden to coincide with the Christian “Feast Of the Annunciation”. It was also considered the start of Spring so it became a custom for Swedish families to celebrate the 2 events by making waffles on this day.

• “Pecan Day”, an annual salute to the only nut tree native to North America. The word comes from Algonquian language, meaning a nut requiring a stone to crack. So celebrate by cracking open and eating a few pecans. Even better, an entire pecan pie! (The proper pronunciation is ‘peh-CAHN’.)

1954 [55] RCA begins marketing ‘Color TV’ for a MSRP of $1,295 (yes kids, TV used to come in only black & white)

2002 [07] “The Bachelor” premieres on ABC-TV (paving the way for “The Bachelorette”, “Joe Millionaire”, “Average Joe”, “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé”, etc)

2006 [03] Veteran country singer/TV personality Buck Owens dies at age 76


1934 [75] 1st ‘Masters’ golf tournament wraps up in Augusta GA

1979 [30] 1st fully functional Space Shuttle, ‘Columbia’, is delivered to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida to be prepared for its 1st launch

[Thurs] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
[Thurs] Legal Assistants Day
[Fri] National Joe Day
[Fri] Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
[Fri] “The Haunting in Connecticut”, “Monsters vs Aliens”, “12 Rounds” open in movie theaters
[Sat] 2009 Global Earth Hour (8:30 pm local)
This Week Is … RV Lifestyle Week
This Month Is … Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month


Read them all at once, or spread them out as the ‘Zodiac Reading of the Day’ …
• Aries – Beauty is in the eye of the beholder … and are you ever gonna need some beholdin’ today!
• Taurus – It’s okay to whistle while you work. However, your co-workers will draw the line at yodeling while you work.
• Gemini – You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes butt ugly.
• Cancer – Today you will find true happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
• Leo – You will finally realize no good can result from your on-going jealousy of a rival, so you’ll switch to envy.
• Virgo – You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself … call in the professionals!
• Libra – Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
• Scorpio – You and your spouse will make the startling discovery you both sleep in the same bed … and have for years!
• Sagittarius – Perhaps this morning’s upset tummy will help you to finally remember … never eat the wax fruit!
• Capricorn – Ironically after spending all that money on your new hairstyle, you’ll have a bad nose hair day.
• Aquarius – You will be ‘on the move’ soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature as it turns out. Maybe a good day to stay close to home.
• Pisces – Think positive! Another day … another chance to screw up.


What was the one food that you absolutely hated as a kid that you’ve grown to appreciate now?


Are the following statements true of just a load of BS?
• Golf balls first had ‘pimples’ before changing to ‘dimples’. [TRUE]
• As well as 8 arms, an octopus has 8 hearts. [BS, but they do have 3.]
• All the swans in England are property of the Queen. [TRUE. Messing with them is a serious offense. The same is true of sturgeon fish.]
• Ancient Romans ate flamingo tongues and considered them a delicacy. [TRUE]
• Diamonds are the most valuable gem. [BS. A large flawless emerald is worth more than a similarly large flawless diamond.]

• If you have to push a button, is it really ‘automatic’?
• Would anyone die in horror movies if the characters walked forward?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, do the other trees laugh?
• Where do baby storks come from?
• Can a woman be a jerk?


My wife says I started to lose that ‘new husband smell’ right after the wedding.


Today’s Question: The average life span of one of THESE is 8-to-10 years.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A mattress.

Statistics can be used to support anything, especially statisticians.

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