Monday, March 27, 2006 Edition: #3247
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!
WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• Delusional actor Randy Quaid has filed a lawsuit against the producers of “Brokeback Mountain” claiming they convinced him to work cheap by falsely claiming the movie was a low-budget, art-house film. Quaid, who played a tough sheep rancher in the movie, is seeking $10 million in punitive damages. Seems producers are now expected to predict a film’s success before hiring anyone.
– “USA Today”
• Buena Vista Games is launching a new video game based on “Desperate Housewives”, which will be narrated by Brenda Strong as ‘Mary Alice Young’. Sounds like it might be fun … but is that annoying string-plucking theme music going to constantly be in the background?
– “E!”
• David Hasselhoff’s estranged wife, Pamela Bach, is alleging the former “Baywatch” actor shoved her into a car, broke her nose and verbally abused her in front of their children. Court papers also reveal that a judge has issued a temporary restraining order requiring him to surrender his guns and stay at least 100 yards away from her. Always knew he was a nice guy.
– “Daily Record”
• HBO is finalizing a deal for an unscripted comedy pilot described as ‘an attempt to capture the vivacity, sexuality & friendship of women in a big city under the banner of a reality show’. In other words, an unscripted version of “Sex & the City”. Aw c’mon, 7 years was enough!
– “Hollywood Reporter”
• “Laguna Beach” mean girl Kristin Cavallari (19) is back with her ex-boyfriend Brody Jenner after Jessica Simpson’s soon-to-be ex-husband Nick Lachey (32) reportedly gave her the boot. Why? Word has it she’s too young and Nick thought it would look bad. Yeah, like that’s ever happened in Hollywood.
– “Page Six”
• “Crash” star Matt Dillon has become a real-life hero after coming to a woman’s rescue. He was driving in Los Angeles when he saw the lone female being harassed by a pair of thugs. Dillon saved the day when he grabbed a golf club from the back of his car, then leapt out and frightened the assailants off. Unfortunately, then he frisked her for weapons.
– “Contact Music”
• Rehabbed Brit model Kate Moss has been spotted again with drug-addicted on-and-off boyfriend Pete Doherty, this time during a 21-hour bender in London that ended SATURDAY. A source close to Kate claims she’s simply addicted to the loser. Seems like she’s insistent on flushing her life down the ol’ loo.
– “News of the World”
• Jennifer Aniston is reportedly planning to marry boyfriend Vince Vaughn at Oprah Winfrey’s palatial California estate THIS SUMMER. A pal says she wants it to be grand and lavish on a scale not witnessed since Elizabeth Taylor’s marrying heyday. Great role model Jen’, you only have 6 more husbands to go!
– “Sunday Express”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bon Jovi – Richie Sambora is asking that a pre-nup he & Heather Locklear signed the night before they wed be enforced in their divorce settlement and that they share custody of their daughter Ava.
• Buck Owens – The sequin-suited country legend who brought the genre to TV on the long-running show “Hee Haw” died of heart failure SATURDAY at age 76.
• Coldplay – Gwyneth Paltrow wants to name her new baby with Chris Martin after her godfather, Steven Spielberg. She’s always affectionately referred to the director as ‘Uncle Morty’, so if it’s a boy that comes along in 2 months, she wants to call him … ‘Mortimer’.
• Elvis Presley – TODAY in Memphis TN, US Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton & Priscilla Presley jointly announce the designation of Graceland as a National Historic Landmark. Elvis purchased the estate in 1957 for $103,000.
• Faith Hill – TODAY she guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Madonna – TODAY she’s expected to announce dates for her upcoming North American tour.
• Natasha Bedingfield – She’s been asked to write & produce music for Microsoft’s Xbox 360.
• Ne-Yo – He’s been asked to write tunes for a comeback album by Whitney Houston but the project keeps getting stalled, mostly due to Houston’s reticence. TONIGHT he appears on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• The New Cars – TONIGHT the band’s new incarnation featuring Todd Rundgren as lead singer guests on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”.
SIGN US UP:
The world’s first beer health spa has opened in the cellar of the Chodovar Family Brewery in Chodova Plana, Czech Republic. Beer massages, beer wraps and beer cosmetics are available and the converted cellars include 7 huge Victorian-style baths where guests can swim in beer while enjoying a mug poured at a bathside bar. (Unfortunately there seems to be a hose running from the bath to the bar)
– Ananova News
BS AMAZING FACT:
People with children have significantly higher levels of depression than those who don’t. (But also happiness.)
SAFE PLACE:
A poll by the National Association for Continence finds that the bathroom is becoming a haven where many find comfort and relief from stress. About half of respondents say they read or ponder serious issues in the bathroom, while a third admit to daydreaming, singing in the shower or even talking on the phone. A third of women say they talk to themselves or admire themselves in the bathroom. 22% of men claim they’ve made love in the bathroom. (Some of them with a partner.)
– Reuters
AND WE QUOTE:
• “I live a life a journalist would find very boring. I’ve been dating the same guy for 6 years, I’m not a party animal, and you never see me shopping because I hate shopping.”
– Shakira explaining why she isn’t hounded by paparazzi.
• “It’s not my role … and that’s on top of the fact that I have a vagina. Though I do check between my legs to see if something else is sprouting down there.”
– Increasingly unhinged Paula Abdul in “Rolling Stone”, either explaining why she isn’t tough on “American Idol” contestants or how she’s evolving into a hermaphrodite … or some damn thing.
AND THE PURPOSE OF THIS WOULD BE?
Chinese micro-painter Jin Yin Hua has painted an image of a giant panda … on a single human hair. The artist took 10 days to create the mini-masterpiece using a single rabbit hair as a paintbrush. Visitors to a Chinese gallery who want to view the tiny artwork have to look at it through a microscope. (This is the guy [co-host] needs to paint his pitifully small apartment!)
– BBC News
ROAD STORIES:
• Can you drive and chew gum? New research suggests that you should because the odors of mint and cinnamon may keep you more alert and awake while driving. The Wheeling Jesuit University study finds that both cinnamon and peppermint seem to enhance performance and alertness while decreasing fatigue and frustration. So this is the key to good driving?
– ANI Science & Health
• After a 32-year-old Waikato, New Zealand motorist was pulled over for speeding at 121 km/hr (75 mph), cops discovered that he had no driver’s licence and never has had one. That’s because he’s also lacking … arms. He’s never had those either. Police were shocked to learn the guy’s been using one foot to steer and the other to operate pedals … for years.
– “New Zealand Herald”
GERMIEST JOBS:
University of Arizona researchers have found that the bacteria levels in accountants’ offices are nearly 7 times higher than in lawyers’ offices. According to the “Germs in the Workplace” study sponsored by Clorox, here are the jobs where the most germs are encountered …
5. Doctor (thanks to all the bugs brought in by patients)
4. Radio Personality (eww, what’s that crawling on the microphone?)
3. Banker (from handling all that dirty, disgusting, filthy lucre)
2. Accountant (maybe they should Lysol the books before juggling them?)
1. Teacher (those little snot-nosed rug-rats are nothing but vermin carriers!)
– “Globe & Mail”
HOW LONG LUST LASTS:
That head-over-heels feeling of the first passion of love that leaves you unable to eat or sleep or think of anything else lasts at most 2 years. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Pisa in Italy, who found the bodily chemistry that makes people sexually attractive to new partners switches from lust to cuddles after no more than 2 years. (We would have guessed closer to 2 minutes.)
– “Daily Mail”
THE BULL SHEET 03.27.2K6
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1959 [47] Andrew Farriss, Cottesloe, Australia, rock musician (INXS-“Pretty Vegas”, “Need You Tonight”)
1963 [43] Quentin Tarantino, Knoxville TN, film producer/writer/director (“Kill Bill”, Oscar-“Pulp Fiction”)
1970 [36] Mariah Carey, Huntington NY, pop singer (“Say Something”, “We Belong Together”) who’s sold more than 120 million albums & singles and spent more weeks at #1 than any other artist
1975 [31] Fergie (Stacy Ferguson), Hacienda Heights CA, pop singer (Black Eyed Peas-“My Humps”, “Where Is The Love?”)/soon-to-be movie star (“Poseidon”, opening MAY 12th)
1995 [11] Taylor Atelian, Santa Barbara CA, TV actress (‘Ruby’ on the Jim Belushi sitcom “According to Jim” since 2001)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “National Joe Day”, when people who hate their names are to be called ‘Joe’. Ask listeners for the most horrific given names they’ve come across. Or just ask Gwyneth Paltrow.
• “Photography Day”, set aside to celebrate the birthday of the great photographer Edward Steichen, who was born in Luxembourg in 1879 & died in West Redding CT in 1973.
• “Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day”. How about there: “Get Your Biscuits in the Oven & Your Buns in the Bed”, or “I Don’t Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling”, or “Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart”, or “I’ve Got Tears in My Ears from Lying on My Back in My Bed Cryin’ Over You”, or “She Feels Like a New Man Tonight”, or “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”.
If you don’t have a hankerin’ for any of those, the ‘Do-It-Yourself Country Song Generator’ will help you create a hit in just moments …
NET: http://baetzler.de/cgi-bin/country.pl
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1790 [216] 1st ‘Shoelace’ (next day – the 1st busted shoelace)
1848 [158] 1st ‘Stick-On Bandage’ (John Parker Paynard’s ‘Medicated Adhesive Plaster’)
1860 [146] 1st ‘Corkscrew’ (ML Byrn’s ‘Covered Gimlet Screw with T Handle’)
1917 [89] 1st US team to win hockey’s “Stanley Cup” (Seattle Metropolitans of Pacific Coast League defeat Montréal Canadiens 23-to-11 in a 4-game, total-goal series the season before the new ‘NHL’ begins play)
1998 [08] Viagra is 1st approved for sale by FDA (men begin skipping to work in the morning)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Something On a Stick Day
[Tues] “King Kong” released on DVD
[Wed] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
[Wed] Vietnam Veterans Day
[Thurs] Hot Dog Day
[Thurs] Doctor’s Day
[Sat] April Fools Day
THIS WEEK IS …
Cleaning Week / Sleep Awareness Week / Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Week
BULL’S BITS
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the ‘Zodiac Reading of the Day’ …
• Aries – What goes up must come down. You’re gonna run out of Viagra soon enough.
• Taurus – Your astute way of doing things will certainly help you grab the attention of colleagues … but perhaps nudity in the office is not the way to get noticed.
• Gemini – Take it nice and slow today and don’t let life’s little hazards hold you back or send you off on a tangent. Stick to what you do best … hide and look busy.
• Cancer – Don’t overreact to things going on at work. Put yourself in a position that is valuable and you won’t have to worry about your future. In other words, time to start sucking up to the boss.
• Leo – Romantic development is in the stars. Your vibrant presence and entertaining manner will make you very appealing. Maybe your date will be able to see past your ego and your bad fashion sense.
• Virgo – Call upon friends and relatives to help you make the changes that you feel are necessary. After all, if you’re moving they’re much cheaper than Allied Van Lines.
• Libra – You may have some health concerns but keep in mind that worrying could be at the root of your problem. Take time out, read a book. It’ll stop your annoying whining for 10 minutes.
• Scorpio – Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame and move on.
• Sagittarius – Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut … at least not if you value your friendships and your sanity.
• Capricorn – It seems that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.
• Aquarius – Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes.
• Pisces – Put on your best clothes and prepare to face the world. Let your worldly outlook lead the way and you’ll be sure to discover all sorts of intriguing people at Alcoholics Anonymous.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What’s the one question you SHOULD have asked your spouse before getting married?
• What’s the most miserly act you’ve ever heard of?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: It takes THIS about 8 weeks to grow an inch.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The average guy’s beard. (“Better Times”)
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The problem with beauty is that it’s like being born rich and getting poorer.
– Joan Collins
BS FRESH MEAT:
We’ve got The Beat 94.5 [CFBT-FM] Vancouver BC back for another year of “The Bull Sheet”, thanks to PD Chris Myers and The Kid Carson Show; and this week we welcome “BS” samplers Wahoo Napoles @ Killer Bee FM Santos City, Phillipines; Keith Berard @ 94.1 The Fox [CFGW-FM] Yorkton SK; Dave Collins @ CFM Carlisle UK; and Phillip Moon @ Country KCRT Trinidad CO. You can sign up for “BS” or renew your subscription right here – http://thebullsheet.com/location.html
