March 2, 2006

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Thursday, March 2, 2006        Edition: #3230
Sheet For Brains!

TODAY former British glam rocker Gary Glitter is scheduled to go to trial in Vietnam on charges of committing obscene acts with 2 pre-teens (he’s facing up to 7 years if convicted – is that enough?) . . . 25-year-old actress Jessica Alba is threatening to sue “Playboy” magazine, claiming the unauthorized use of a cover photo of her in a bikini on the MARCH issue suggests she appears in an inside pictorial, something that would sell a lot of mags (she’s repeatedly refused to pose for “Playboy” – so far) . . . Oops! Lindsay Lohan is the latest starlet to thrill fans by partially popping out of her dress at an LA fashion show (as if these things happen accidentally) . . . Rumors are back that actors George Clooney & Teri Hatcher are an item, with “Star Magazine” insisting they’ve been hooking up for more than a month (seems unlikely – does George seem “Desperate” for a relationship?) . . . A 4th season of “The Simple Life” is now shooting (this time for E! not FOX-TV), with feuding stars Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie involved in separate fish-out-of-water experiences, trying to fit in with a family of Hasidic Jews & a Korean family respectively (don’t fail to miss it!) . . . For the series finalé of “The West Wing”, 9 former cast-members will be brought back for one final fling, including Rob Lowe (‘Sam Seaborn’), Mary-Louise Parker (‘Amy Gardner’), Emily Procter (‘Ainsley Hayes’), Tim Matheson (former VP ‘John Hoynes’), and Timothy Busfield (‘Danny Concanon’) . . . Actor Bradley Whitford (“West Wing’s” ‘Josh Lyman’) has joined the cast of NBC-TV’s upcoming drama “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip”, set behind-the-scenes at a late-night sketch comedy TV show (Matthew Perry & Amanda Peet are also onboard) . . . “Shakespeare in Love” star Joseph Fiennes has launched a new Cuban cigar called ‘The Short Churchill’, which is made by the state-owned Romeo & Juliet Co (answering the question – what becomes of out-of-work actors?) . . . And newly-released documents from Britain’s National Archives show that late acting legend Sir Laurence Olivier was paid the modern-day equivalent of $2.4 million in 1944 NOT to make another film during the theater run of “Henry V” (which he directed & starred in) – because it might interfere with its success (now THAT’s an actor!).

• Alicia Keys – She’s warning that her brutal role as an assassin in the feature film “Smokin’ Aces” may not be appropriate for younger fans. Her role alongside Ben Affleck, Don Cheadle & Andy Garcia calls for her to express ‘extreme anger & rage’.
• Backstreet Boys – AJ McLean confirms they’re going their separate ways for a while but will re-group to record again in the future. However, they won’t wait 5 years like last time.
• Harry Connick Jr – TONIGHT he’s on the “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Madonna – She may face legal action after naming her new company ‘Semtex Girl’, because she failed to get permission to use the copyrighted Semtex name from Czech arms supplier Explosia.
• Paul McCartney – TODAY he & wife Heather are scheduled to visit Atlantic Canada to observe harp seal pups before the annual Canadian seal hunt. Their intent is to highlight the work of animal protection groups that oppose the hunt.
• Roseanne Cash – TODAY she guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.

Are you ready for this? On the heels of a plan to make a bigscreen version of vintage TV soap “Dallas” comes the development of a movie version of TV’s “Dynasty” (1981-89), which will reportedly feature Jessica Simpson, Bruce Willis – and in the Joan Collins role of the evil & pushy ‘Alexis’ – Victoria Beckham! (apparently thanks to the recommendation of her pal Tom Cruise) . . . Meanwhile, Tom Cruise is in the process of deciding what his next film project will be, with a remake of the 1957 Western “3:10 to Yuma” among his options . . . Leonardo DiCaprio is set to produce & star in “Kite”, a prison drama about gangs and corrupt California guards . . . Cameras are rolling in Vancouver on an update of the 1974 sorority house horror thriller, “Black Christmas”, this time starring Michelle Trachtenberg & Lacey Chabert and due in theaters this holiday season . . . Disney is planning to revive its traditional hand-drawn animation NEXT YEAR with its live-action/animated film “Enchanted”, touted as a ‘wonderful throwback to the sort of films Disney used to make’ . . . In a real coup, Aussie moviemaker Baz Luhrmann (“Moulin Rouge”) has bagged the Oscar-winning duo of Russell Crowe & Nicole Kidman for an as-yet-unnamed movie set to begin shooting in AUGUST . . . And now they’re developing video games & movies together – “The Wheelman” will debut as both a game & a film (starring Vin Diesel) in 2007.

A selection of recent BS gadgets that we really don’t need …
• “Electric Blue LED Faucet Light” – Screw it onto your faucet and when you turn it on, the running water activates the LED making it appear bright blue. Now you can wash in the same blue-colored water that swirls around the toilet bowl. Ah, refreshing!
• “Instant Irish Accent Mouth Spray” – Just in time for “St Patrick’s Day”, one quick spritz is said to activate ‘invisible language receptors in the mouth’, radically changing the way you speak. In other words, it has the same effect as a pint of Guinness … for about the same price.
• “Rooster Alarm Clock” – It not only looks like a rooster, it sounds like one! No more ignorable beeps or buzzes, this baby is guaranteed to crow till you’re up and at ‘em. Retails circa $17.
• “Winston the Talking Gnome” – Hold his toe and record your voice. Then press his belly and listen to him say your message back in a funny, gnome-like voice. And it’s only 13 bucks!

If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13-feet-long when he died.

It seems like every year marketing & media hype drives several so-so movies to win awards they really don’t deserve. The editors of movie magazine “Premiere” have come up with a list of the all-time worst “Academy Award” ‘Best Picture’ winners. Among them – “American Beauty”, “Around The World In 80 Days”, “Chicago”, “The Greatest Show On Earth”, “The Great Ziegfield”, “My Fair Lady”, and “Oliver!”. (Which of this year’s ‘Best Picture’ nominees belongs on the list? “Brokeback Mountain”, “Capote”, “Crash”, “Good Night, And Good Luck”, or “Munich”?)
– World Entertainment News Network

The bottom seems to have fallen out of the thong market! According to the latest figures. G-string sales are down by 28% in the past 2 years. But ‘boy shorts’ are now a big hit with the girls, with sales doubling over 18 months. (Seems the trendy just got tired of butt-flossing.)
– “The Sun”

By international standards, 72 of 158 nations monitored by the advocacy group Transparency International are deemed corrupt. Africa is clearly the most affected region, with 9 countries on the most-corrupt list. Here are the worst 5 countries overall …
5. Haiti
4. Myanmar
3. Turkmenistan
2. Bangladesh
1. Chad
– “Forbes Magazine”

NYC fitness club Crunch has developed ‘Stiletto Strength’, a workout to get women in shape to wear the highest of heels. The program debuted in JANUARY after several members were griping about the heartache of having to horn into high heels for special occasions. Participants begin the program wearing regular training shoes but then graduate to performing exercises while teetering in towering heels. (Like street-walking, perhaps?)
– Reuters

“My acting coach told me I have a similar style of acting to Charlize [Theron] so we may end up vying for the same parts.”
– Paris Hilton, baldly boasting to “Entertainment Weekly” … while somehow keeping a straight face.

For sleeping, the ideal bedroom temperature is about 65 degrees F (18 C), says Pete Bils, Senior Director of Sleep Innovation at Select Comfort, a manufacturer of adjustable beds. He recommends setting the temperature in your room to 65 or cooler, and to err on the colder side. Why? It’s much easier to get warm than to cool down if you get too hot. (You also lose weight from all the shivering … seriously.)
– “Social Studies”


1942 [64] Lou Reed, Freeport NY, classic rock musician (“Walk on the Wild Side”)

1959 [47] Larry Stewart, Paducah KY, country singer (Restless Heart-“When She Cries”)

1962 [44] Jon Bon Jovi, Perth Amboy NJ, pop singer (w/Jennifer Nettles-“Who Says You Can’t Go Home”)

1968 [38] Daniel Craig, Chester UK, movie actor (“Munich”)/the new ‘James Bond’ in the now-shooting “Casino Royale”  FACTOID: The “Give Craig a Chance Club” has just launched a Website to help counteract the ‘Craig Not Bond’ movement.

1977 [29] Chris Martin, Exeter UK, pop singer (Coldplay-“Talk”)/Mr Gwyneth Paltrow since 2003

1985 [21] Robert Iler, NYC, TV actor (‘AJ Soprano Jr’ on “The Sopranos” since 1999)

• “Salesperson’s Day”, honoring those gifted and creative individuals whose big kick in life is persuading others to spend a buck.

THIS WEEK is officially “Working Dog Week”, to honor dogs working for humanity. Ask listeners about unusual jobs for dogs they’ve come across.

THIS MONTH is “National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month” as declared by the group “Parenting Without Pressure”, who somehow have the notion your teen knows less than you. Things you might want to ask your teen: “Does that tongue stud really help?”, and “How can Dad & I achieve simultaneous satisfaction?”

1933 [73] “King Kong” premieres in NYC, heralded at the time as one of the greatest adventure movies of all-time (as opposed to the bloated Peter Jackson remake)

1977 [29] Jay Leno makes his debut appearance on the “Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson” (never guessing that he’ll be taking over as host in 15 years [1992])

1923 [83] 1st issue of “Time” magazine

1951 [55] 1st NBA ‘All-Star Game’

1962 [44] Wilt Chamberlain sets NBA scoring record of 100 points in a game while playing for the Philadelphia Warriors, who beat the NY Knicks 169-147 (“Hey Wilt, like would it kill you to pass the ball off once in a while?”)

1991 [05] New record for ‘Lowest Flaming Limbo Bar Height’ is set at a minuscule 6 inches

[Fri] I Want You To Be Happy Day
[Sat] International Scrapbooking Day
[Sat] 26th “Razzie Awards” (LA CA)
[Sat] “Canadian Radio Music Awards” (Toronto)
[Sat] 20th “Soul Train Music Awards” (Pasadena CA)
[Sun] 78th “Academy Awards”
This Week Is . . . Professional Pet Sitters Week
This Month Is . . . Cataract Awareness Month


• Whyzit when you finally can ‘make ends meet’, they move the ends?
• Whyzit that ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?
• Whyzit when a traffic light goes out, traffic moves along just fine … until a cop shows up to ‘direct’ it?
• Whyzit when they re-format a movie for television, they know what size of TV you have?
• Whyzit with all the skunks lying dead in the road, they aren’t extinct yet?

I always wanted to be ‘somebody’ … maybe I should have been more specific.

2 men play 5 games of chess. Each wins the same number of games. There are no ties. How can this be? [They aren’t playing each other.]

Are the following statements fact … or just a load of crap?
• Your hair and fingernails continue to grow after death. [BS. Contrary to popular belief, medical experts say it’s shrinkage of the skin around fingertips and hair follicles that reveals more of the departed’s tresses and nails.]
• Researchers are working to develop the ‘marijuana suppository’. [True. It’s being touted as a way to make ‘medicinal marijuana’ less appealing to those who don’t really need it.]
• Only 5% of working wives make more than their husband. [BS. In fact, figures show that about 1 in 3 working wives is now paid more than her hubby.]

The online ‘Dialecticizer’ translates any Webpage into one of 7 dialects – ‘Redneck’, ‘Jive’, ‘Cockney’, ‘Elmer Fudd’, ‘Swedish Chef’, ‘Moron’, or ‘Pig Latin’. Just select the dialect you wish, type in a Website (ie: a news service) and – presto! – you‘ve got a hilarious script!

Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, women in THIS profession are more likely to use computer dating services.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Teaching.

A wise person knows everything … a shrewd one, everybody.


Leave a comment