March 28, 2012

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Wednesday, March 28, 2012        Edition: #4715

100% Grade A Bull!

Reality TV star Khloe Kardashian has quit as a spokesbutt for animal rights group PETA following reports that a militant member of the organization was the woman who flour-bombed her sister Kim (this whole deal is starting to smell like a PR stunt) . . . It’s been announced late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel will don his finest penguin suit and preside over the 2012 “Emmy Awards”, September 23rd at LA’s Nokia Theater (TV’s night of self-congratulation) . . . This week Bobby Brown, late singer Whitney Houston’s ex, was pulled over for talking on his cellphone while driving in LA and subsequently busted for DUI – around noon hour (what’s this guy have for breakfast?) . . . Russell Brand is erasing Katy Perry from his life – literally – reportedly having his matching tattoos removed (that’s no skin off his ass – wait, maybe it is!) . . . The return of “Mad Men” (AMC) drew its highest ratings ever (because we’re desperate for something worth watching) . . . Pregnant actress Drew Barrymore (37) has picked a June date for her wedding to art consultant Will Kopelman (34), because she wants to get married before the baby comes and ‘doesn’t want to be huge’ (she can thank a ‘friend’ for blabbing that) . . . Acting couple Evan Rachel Wood (“Ides of March”) & Jamie Bell (“Adventures of Tintin”) have sparked reports they’ve married in secret after being spotted sporting wedding bands (there’s gotta be a jeweler renting these out just so celebs can start rumors) . . . And TV evangelist Pat Robertson’s latest wacky declaration is that if NFL quarterback Peyton Manning gets injured playing for the Denver Broncos, it will be because God was upset with how the team treated Tim Tebow (au contraire, we’re pretty sure the Almighty is a NY Jets fan).


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The 10 finalists perform.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – 1960s pop star Donovan.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – White Rabbits (“Milk Famous”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Justin Townes Earle (“Nothing’s Going to Change The Way You Feel About Me Now”).
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Guest co-host Josh Groban (“Illuminations”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Gavin DeGraw (“Sweeter”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Rapper-turned-actor 50 Cent. Rerun.


• Aerosmith – They’ve announced their “Global Warming Tour” will begin June 16th in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Rock veterans Cheap Trick will open all shows.
• Chris Brown – Atlanta restaurant Chops & Hops has created a sandwich based on his relationship with Rihanna. According to the restaurant’s Facebook page, “Chris Brown won’t beat you up for eating this unless your name starts with R and ends with A.” (Tacky.)
• Jake Owen – He’s scored back-to-back #1 singles as “Alone With You” holds the top spot this week on “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Hot Country Songs’ chart. It’s his follow-up single to chart-topper “Barefoot Blue Jean Night”.
• Jason Aldean – His “2012 My Kinda Party Tour” has sold out all 18 shows so far this year.
• Katy Perry – Her new video “Part Of Me” depicts her joining the Marines after a bad break-up, but the shoot wasn’t just camera tricks and stunt women. She purportedly went through ‘some serious training’ with real armed forces personnel. (BS translation: She visited a military base.)
• Madonna – Her “Girl Gone Bad” video has been slapped with an age restriction after YouTube deemed it too raunchy for those under 18. (As if someone 17 wants to watch a 53-year-old writhing around in skimpy outfits. Creepy!)
• Robbie Williams – The Brit pop star has been on a tour of the rented mansion where Michael Jackson died from a drug overdose, causing speculation he’s considering buying the property.
• Rod Stewart – It’s been confirmed he’ll perform with The Faces at their Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame induction April 14th. “Music Radar” notes that he hasn’t performed with his former bandmates in 19 years.
• Shinedown – They’ve released what’s likely the 1st e-book by a major recording artist. “For Your Sake: Inside the Making of Shinedown’s Amaryllis”, is intended as an accompaniment to their new album that’s out this week.


According to a new poll by “Total Film” magazine, these are the best-ever onscreen performances …
5. Emily Watson in “Breaking the Waves” (1996).
4. Al Pacino in “The Godfather 2” (1974).
3. Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” (2007).
2. Robert De Niro in “Raging Bull” (1980).
1. Jack Nicholson in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” (1975).


Real excuses provided by sports figures who got busted …
• Blood variance was due to a vanishing twin absorbed in-utero … 34 years earlier. (US cyclist Tyler Hamilton.)
• Fluctuating amounts of nandrolone in system were due to toothpaste, which had obviously been spiked. (German runner Dieter Baumann.)
• Positive test for nandrolone was blamed on having oral sex with pregnant wife. (Spanish race walker Daniel Plaza.)
• Elevated levels of testosterone were due to 5 beers and 4 sexual encounters with wife the night before testing. (US track star Dennis Mitchell.)
• Testing positive for marijuana was blamed on secondhand smoke. (Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati.)
• A vengeful massage therapist was responsible for rubbing cream containing high levels of testosterone into his legs without his knowledge. (American track star Justin Gatlin.)
• Tested positive at a tournament due to kissing a girl who’d ingested cocaine at a nightclub the evening before. (French tennis player Richard Gasquet.)
• Ingested human growth hormone due to ‘being around the wrong crowd’. Quote: “If you hang around dogs long enough, you’re going to catch fleas.” (Atlanta Braves prospect Jordan Schafer.)
– Adapted from


New terms leaking into our lingo …
• ‘Nomophobia’ – Short for ‘no mobile phobia’, it’s the fear of being without your cellphone or without a cellular signal. The syndrome can actually cause accelerated heart-rate and shortness of breath. (Oh please.)
• ‘Phablet’ – A contraction of ‘phone’ and ‘tablet’, this device combines the features of a smartphone and tablet computer. Thus you can make calls and access email, yet its super-sized screen means you don’t need to squint to read ebooks, watch video, or browse the web. (Samsung’s Galaxy Note was one of the first.)
• ‘Work-Life Balance’ – A state of equilibrium in which the demands of both a person’s job and personal life are equal. (Some would say achieving WLB is the first step in … getting a life.)


• London, England – A 25-year-old British woman says she’s been forced to postpone her wedding after spending more than $4,700 on … chemotherapy for her pet lizard. She adopted ‘George’, her bearded dragon, last year and claims her fiancé accepts that ‘George will always come first’. (That’s just cold-blooded!)
– “The Sun”
• New York NY – NYC schools are no longer allowed to use the words ‘birthday’, ‘dancing’ or ‘Halloween’ on city-issued tests as the words could cause … unpleasant emotions in students. Also banned are ‘disease’ and ‘divorce’, because students may have personal experience in those areas. The school board insists it’s not due to censorship, just sensitivity. (The word that’s the biggest stressor … ‘test’.)
– QMI Agency
• Chicago, Illinois – A 4-year-old girl is listed in good condition after being wounded in the ankle while jumping on a bed … where a gun was stashed under the mattress. An adult has been charged with one felony count of unlawful use of a weapon. Her relationship to the child isn’t immediately clear. (“Mama called the doctor and the doctor said, ‘No more stashing guns beneath the bed!’”)


A pair of statistical researchers at the University of New Mexico claims that random acts of violence – including terrorist attacks and wars – actually follow very predictable mathematical trends. Aaron Clauset & Maxwell Young have written a paper about the phenomenon in which they claim that seemingly random and emotional outbursts of human violence actually follow math laws that are as ‘dull and predictable as the laws of gravity’. Using these, the researchers have analyzed terrorist attacks worldwide since 1968 and concluded that the next major terrorist attack should occur … sometime in 2012. (No need to predict the wars … they’re underway.)
– “World Science”


Researchers have found that sports fans will spend far more for a ticket bought with a credit card than one bought with cash. Why? Parting with paper bills can cause true emotional pain, while using plastic subconsciously involves giving up nothing.
– “Psychology Today”


1955 [57] Reba McEntire, McAlester OK, country singer (“Turn On the Radio”, “Consider Me Gone”)/sold over 56 million records worldwide/TV actress (“Reba” 2001-07)/Broadway actress (“South Pacific” 2005, “Annie Get Your Gun” 2001)/movie actress (“Tremors” 1990)

1969 [43] Rodney Atkins, Knoxville TN, country singer (“Take a Back Road”, “These Are My People”)

1970 [42] Vince Vaughn, Minneapolis MN, movie actor (“Wedding Crashers”, “Old School”)/Jennifer Aniston’s former boyfriend (2005-06)

1975 [37] Kate Gosselin, Philadelphia PA, reality TV personality (“Twist of Kate” 2010, “Dancing With the Stars” 2010, “Kate Plus 8” 2010, “Jon & Kate Plus 8” 2007-09)

1976 [36] Dave Keuning, Pella IA, rock guitarist (The Killers-“When You Were Young”, “Mr Brightside”)

1981 [31] Julia Stiles, NYC, movie actress (“The Bourne Ultimatum”, “Save the Last Dance”)/TV actress (“Dexter” 2010)

1986 [26] Lady Gaga (Stefani Germanotta), NYC, pop singer (“Born This Way”, “Just Dance”)

• “Hot Tub Day”, time to soak yourself in a steaming hot tub and bust the stress. Yum, human stew! A few tub quotes here …

• “Something On a Stick Day”, celebrating corn dogs, shish kebabs, Popsicles, ice cream bars, and anything else that’s served on a stick. It’s estimated there are more than 3 dozen foods regularly served on a stick at fairs and carnivals, including deep-fried candy bars, deep-fried Twinkies, and chocolate-covered bananas. Beersicle, anyone?

• “Weed Appreciation Day”. Not THAT kind of weed, you freaks! This is a salute to plants that grow wild which, though classified as weeds, have a beauty all their own. Think of them as wildflowers and see if that helps.


1986 [26] More than 6,000 radio stations of all formats play the charity song “We Are the World” simultaneously at 10:15 am ET to raise awareness of famine and disease in Africa

1995 [17] Oddball singer Lyle Lovett and actress Julia Roberts announce they are separating after 21 months of marriage (right after she gets the prescription for her contacts renewed)


1996 [16] Genesis frontman Phil Collins announces he’s leaving the group, 20 years to the day after first appearing with them onstage as their new lead singer


1994 [18] 1st ‘Eggvertising’, as a phone company ad is printed on eggs in Britain (and that’s no yolk!)

1999 [13] Venus Williams beats kid sister Serena 6-1, 4-6, 6-4 to win the Lipton Championship, the 1st all-sister women’s tennis final in 115 years

1983 [29] Fred Jipp is sentenced to 28 years in prison in Phoenix, Arizona for fraud and bigamy after marrying 104 women in 28 countries over a 30-year period


[Thurs] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
[Fri] “Bully”; “Goon”; “Intruders”; “Mirror Mirror”; “Wrath Of the Titans” open in movie theaters
[Sat] “Kids’ Choice Awards” (Nickelodeon)
[Sat] Earth Hour
[Sun] 2012 “Junos”, the Canadian music awards (Ottawa)
[Sun] 47th “Academy of Country Music Awards” (Las Vegas)
[Sun] “WrestleMania XXVIII” (Miami)
This Week Is … Root Canal Awareness Week
This Month Is … Music In Our Schools Month


• “Has the school called yet?”
• “Do you still have full coverage on the car?”
• “First of all, I was an innocent bystander …”
• “Now don’t overreact like the other parents did …”
• “You know, you’d make really great grandparents.”
• “I know you don’t usually like tattoos but …”
• “The important thing is no one was hurt.”
• “I’m glad you guys are so open-minded because …”
• “Before you ask, no, I wasn’t drunk …”
• “How quickly can you liquidate your retirement plan?”


☎ Which actor/actress does the exact same thing in every movie? (How about Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, John Cusack?)


Ask a listener/studio guest/crew member to rate the following as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ as you read the items off rapid-fire …
• Old singers that record a collection of even older cover tunes in order to sell albums.
• March Madness.
• Spring cleaning.
• Zip-lock baggies.
• Movie sequels.
• TV ads for bladder disorders … during dinner hour.
• Highway signs that tell you which restaurants are available at the next exit.
• Automated phone messages from your kid’s school.
• Automated phone messages from politicians.
• Marshmallow Peeps.


A picture is worth a thousand words … but just try saying that with a picture.


Question: More than 1-in-10 of us say THIS is our favorite place to hide money.
Answer: Shoes.

A computer does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

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