March 5, 2013

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Tuesday, March 5, 2013       Edition: #4934

Sheet Happens!

Yesterday “America’s Got Talent” (NBC) began taping its upcoming season in New Orleans LA, and supermodel-turned-TV personality Heidi Klum signed a last-minute deal to become the 4th judge (she & former Spice Girl Mel B replace Sharon Osbourne, who quit last year) . . . “The Demonologist” by Andrew Pyper is being lauded as ‘the hot book of the Spring’ (it’s breathlessly touted as “Rosemary’s Baby” meets “The Da Vinci Code” by way of “The Exorcist” and “The Historian”) . . . Katherine Jackson’s civil lawsuit against AEG Live is going to trial April 2nd, the Jackson family matriarch claiming the concert promoter was responsible for hiring Dr Conrad Murray to care for her son Michael prior to his death in 2009 (apparently Mikey never took pharmaceuticals before that) . . . It looks as though Aussie actor Russell Crowe and his “Les Misérables” co-star Samantha Barks are more than just fitness pals, the twosome openly Tweeting and hanging out together (he’s 48, she’s 22) . . . Cancelled TV drama “Drop Dead Diva” is being brought back after tens-of-thousands of fans signed petitions to save the Lifetime series, but no return date for a 5th season has yet been announced (power to the people!) . . . Robert De Niro is bringing “A Bronx Tale” back to Broadway as a stage musical 20 years after directing a movie adaptation of the play (hurray, this will prevent him from agreeing to act in really crappy movies for a while!) . . . And a source tells TMZ that Lindsay Lohan has now acknowledged that her life is ‘out of control’ but has not accepted Charlie Sheen’s offer to mentor her (that’d be like Jack Daniel taking you to an AA meeting).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The female semifinalists perform.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Frightened Rabbit (“Pedestrian Verse”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Luke Bryan (“Spring Break … Here to Party”, out today, which compiles songs released on previous EPs plus 2 new tracks).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Dave Grohl’s Sound City Players f/Rick Springfield, John Fogerty, Rick Nielsen, Lee Ving, and Krist Novoselic.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Graham Parker (“Three Chords Good”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Bluesman Buddy Guy (“Live at Legends”). Rerun.
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Walk Off the Earth (“REVO”, out March 19th).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Andy Grammer (‘Andy Grammer”). Rerun.

• Adele – Her aunt Anita Adkins tells “The Sun” the 24-year-old hasn’t changed since becoming a mega-star and is still ‘thrifty’, even though she still earns around £41,000 ($61,000) a day from her 2011 album “21”. Quote: “She’s not a waster, she wasn’t brought up to waste.”
• How to Destroy Angels – Today Trent Reznor’s side project releases their new album, entitled “Welcome Oblivion”.
• Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – The chart-topping duo are heading to “SXSW” in Austin TX to perform at ‘The Warner Sound’ showcase. The live residency March 12-14 at The Belmont Austin is shaping up to be one of the most anticipated with Alt-J, Flaming Lips, and Paramore also having signed on.
• Pearl Jam – Guitarist Mike McCready has been jamming with bassist Duff McKagan and ex-Screaming Trees drummer Barrett Martin to form a new ‘supergroup’. The band plans to record an album with a rotating cast of singers.
• Rihanna – Today her collection of clothing and accessories for British brand River Island is set to become available in Japan, the UK, and the USA. The line debuted at the recent London Fashion Week.
• Rolling Stones – Keith Richards once infuriated Ronnie Wood’s mother-in-law by substituting a big bag of cocaine for dessert during a family dinner, according to Wood’s ex-wife Jo in her new memoir, “Hey Jo”. When the elderly woman declined, he offered her a joint.

• “Playing for Keeps” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ): A former sports star who’s fallen on hard times starts coaching his son’s soccer team as a way to get his life together. His attempts to become an adult are met with challenges from the attractive soccer moms who pursue him at every turn. Stars Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel, Dennis Quaid, Noah Lomax.
• “Red Dawn” ( PG-13 Action ): In a remake of a 1984 film, a group of teenagers look to save their town from a foreign invasion. Filmed back in 2009, this project has been on the shelf due to numerous problems. In the interim, the invading Chinese troops have been given a digital makeover and are now North Korean. Stars Chris Hemsworth, Isabel Lucas.
• “Wreck-It Ralph” ( PG Animated Comedy ): A videogame villain wants to be a hero and sets out to fulfill his dream, but his quest brings havoc to the whole arcade where he lives. Voice cast includes John C Reilly, Jane Lynch, Sarah Silverman, Mindy Kaling. Movie score (and cameo animated appearance as a DJ) by Skrillex.
• Also released today: “Duck Dynasty: Season 2” (Reality TV); “Lego Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu Season 2” (Animation); “Strawberry Shortcake: Berry Friends Forever” (Animation); “Thomas & Friends: Go Go Thomas” (Animation); “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne: Volume 10” (TV); and “Ultramarines: Warhammer” (Animation).

These habits all but guarantee you’ll become just another ID-theft statistic in 2013 …
✗ You Keep Your SIN Card in Your Wallet – A valid SIN number used in conjunction with your driver’s license or bank info is more than enough data for thieves to establish false accounts under your name.
✗ You Give Personal Info to Anybody That Asks – Be cynical; never give out personal info unless you have to. Even if it’s your doctor, the DMV, or the HR department at work, don’t hesitate to inquire about what the information will be used for and what happens if you refuse.
✗ You Actually Respond to Spam – While low level scams are identifiable by their bountiful spelling and syntax errors, more sophisticated schemes are harder to spot. Be wary of any request for personal info. Reputable businesses already have your info on file. The same goes for social networks.
✗ You Don’t Regularly Change Your Passwords – And if you do, you don’t make them sufficiently robust. This isn’t 1997, ‘1234’ and your dog’s name simply won’t cut it anymore.
✗ You Shred Nothing – Once your trash is out on the curb, it’s fair game for anybody willing to rummage through it. In fact, the practice of dumpster diving and retrieving personal documents is a common tool for identity thieves.
✗ You Never Check Your Statements – By keeping an eye on your monthly bank and credit card statements, you’ll be able to catch incorrect info before it becomes an issue and nip any fraud in the bud.
– Condensed from

As if we hadn’t already seen enough Biblical-style events this year, a plague of over 30 million locusts has swarmed over Egypt’s cities and farms just 3 weeks before Passover begins. But put your apocalyptic fears to rest. This happens every year as part of the locusts’ natural migration pattern, though this year’s swarm is especially large. That doesn’t mean Egyptians aren’t freaked the heck out by millions of nasty bugs buzzing through the air at all hours of day and night, possibly descending upon the agriculture fields where they’re known to destroy entire crops, just like in the actual Passover story. (Up next … frogs?)

While carbohydrates are present in beer, there is no fat or cholesterol in the product. So which drinks should you avoid if you are counting calories?
5. Mulled wine – 400 calories (plus lots of carbs).
4. White Russian – 500 calories.
3. Margarita – 550 calories.
2. Daiquiri – 600 calories.
1. Piña Colada – 640 calories.

Analysts studying the issue of telecommuting for Internet giant Yahoo! have concluded that productivity goes up when employees work from home, but innovation improves when they interact with each other. Based on the findings, Yahoo! is now ordering workers to report back to their company offices. In an online posting, Yahoo! notes that some work qualities are enhanced by having workers in the same location. For instance, some of the best decisions and insights come from hallway and cafeteria discussions, meeting new people, and impromptu team meetings. (Well OK, but can we wear our pajamas?)
– Adapted from “New York Times”

It’s been revealed that Apple Inc, one of the world’s biggest companies, has a massive cash horde of $137 billion. Just what could that purchase? How about …
✓ 1-dollar-bills to carpet an area of 560 square miles, which would more than cover California’s Silicon Valley.
✓ A big chunk of the Internet, including: Groupon ($3.36 billion), Yahoo! ($25.95 billion), Facebook ($61.7 billion), Twitter ($10 billion), LinkedIn ($18.32 billion), Yelp ($1.47 billion), AOL ($2.81 billion), Pandora ($2.09 billion), Zynga ($2.69 billion), OpenTable ($1.32 billion), and Pinterest ($2.5 billion).
✓ It could easily foot the bill for the budget cuts to save the US government $85 billion this year, so Americans could stop having to say ‘sequester’.
✓ 16GB Wi-Fi mini iPads for 416,413,374 people or everyone in America, plus France and Spain.
✓ Or it could just give the 7,069,909,686 people on planet Earth $19.38 each and call it a day.
– Excerpted from

Just as eyesight and hearing fade with age, so too does the sense of smell. By age 60, about half of us experience a reduction in the ability to smell; and by age 80 about 75% of us do, according to the Smell & Taste Treatment & Research Foundation in Chicago. To check out the current effectiveness of your schnozzola, try these tests …
✳ Close your eyes and taste a little vanilla and chocolate ice cream. If you can’t taste the difference, you may have a problem. Much of what we perceive as taste is actually smell.
✳ Hold a pad soaked in rubbing alcohol just beyond your chin. If you can smell it, your sense of smell is probably fine.
– “Wall Street Journal”

• Roughly 10 billion rounds of ammunition are manufactured in the US each year, enough bullets to pump 32 rounds into every man, woman, and child in America.
• The average porn star is a California-born brunette named ‘Nikki’ with a 34B cup size.
– “Daily Mail”


1955 [58] Penn Jillette, Greenfield MA, Las Vegas magician (Penn & Teller)/TV personality (“All-Star Celebrity Apprentice” 2013, “Penn & Teller Tell a Lie” 2011)

1970 [43] John Frusciante, NYC, rock guitarist (formerly Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Snow [Hey Oh]”, “Dani California”)

1974 [39] Kevin Connolly, Patchogue NY, TV actor (“Entourage” 2004-11)/movie actor (“He’s Just Not That Into You”, “The Notebook”)

1974 [39] Eva Mendes, Miami FL, movie actress (“Fast & Furious” films, “Hitch”)/dating actor Ryan Gosling since September 2011

1981 [32] Barret Jackman, Trail BC, NHL defenceman (St Louis Blues)

• “Cheese Doodle Day”, honoring the snack food (aka “Cheezies”) made with cornmeal that has been puffed, baked, and coated with cheddar cheese. Morrie Yohai of The Bronx NY invented the cheese doodle in the 1940s.

• “Go Commando Day”, a tongue-in-cheek observance when we’re supposed to forego wearing underwear. Perhaps created by some laundry-challenged single guy out of necessity?

• “Mother-in-Law Day”, first celebrated 79 years ago on March 5, 1934. A similar “Mother-in-Law’s Day” is held on the 4th Sunday in October. To stay out of trouble, best remember both!

• “Multiple Personalities Day”, saluting the adage ‘We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.’ Can people with multiple personalities deduct themselves as dependents on their income tax?

• “Unique Names Day”, part of “Celebrate Your Name Week”, when we’re encouraged to salute people we know who have an unusual name. Let’s appreciate them for going through life without seeing their names on retail items like ready-made key chains, etc.

2006 [07] Jon Stewart hosts the 78th “Academy Awards” (they should have kept him on as permanent host, no?)

1963 [50] Country star Patsy Cline dies in a plane crash near Camden TN at age 30 (ironically her biggest hit is … “I Fall to Pieces”)

1963 [50] The ‘Hula-Hoop’, the hip-swiveling toy that’s become a huge worldwide fad is patented, 5 years after first being marketed by Wham-O (the idea came from wooden hoops that Australian children twirled around their waists during gym class)

1994 [19] ‘World’s Largest Milkshake’ is created, at 1,955 gallons (Nelspruit, South Africa)

[Wed] Oreo Cookie Day
[Thurs] Name Tag Day
[Thurs] Be Heard Day
[Thurs] World Maths Day
[Thurs] Cereal Day
This Week Is … Cheerleading Week
This Month Is … International Listening Awareness Month


✳ “Hold these Cheetos in your hands for as long as you can without eating them.”
✳ “Tell me about your favorite Pink Floyd song in less than 30 seconds.”
✳ “Describe the sound you hear when I tap my nightstick on your head.”
✳ “Count backwards from 1 to 0.”
✳ “I’m going to massage your shoulders. Tell me when to stop.”
✳ “See how long you can hold your eyes more than 25% open.”
✳ “Look directly into the flashing lights on my patrol car and try not to say, ‘Awesome.’”
✳ “Try to contemplate this without having your mind blown: Is it possible that our entire universe could be contained on the fingernail of a giant existing in a much larger universe?”
✳ “Now, tell me how many bong hits you’ve had tonight.”
– Thanks to Hart Rusen

☎ Who’s the lamest ‘celebrity’ you ever asked for an autograph?

• Around 1700, insurance companies in England successfully sold policies that protected against which odd hazard?
a. STDs.
b. Horse theft.
c. Going to hell. [CORRECT]
– “Weird Fact Of the Day”

• Which sport was originally designed to give cricketers something to play during the off-season in Australia?
a. Tennis.
b. Australian Rules Football. [CORRECT]
c. Surfing.
– “Encyclopedia of Sport”

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth … absolutely nothing.

Question: The average woman will spend a total of 43 weeks of her lifetime doing THIS.
Answer: Applying makeup.

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

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