March 8, 2013

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Friday, March 8, 2013        Edition: #4937

If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

In a candid new interview with “Harper’s Bazaar”, 20-year-old Selena Gomez says her relationship with Justin Bieber was difficult because it was always under public scrutiny, and she reveals she hasn’t been asked out a lot since (hey, who’d want seconds from the Biebs?) . . . Tom Cruise is staying out of the courtroom, his lawsuit disputing a tabloid’s claim that he ‘abandoned’ daughter Suri after divorcing Katie Holmes now being moved to ‘private mediation’ (BS translation: The lawyers get less) . . . Expectant Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton has been caught uttering a word that starts with ‘d’ before stopping herself, causing royal watchers to assume she’s talking about a ‘daughter’ (thereby blowing British bookies’ betting odds) . . . An insider tells “Heat” magazine Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence has ignored advances from infamous skirt-chaser Leonardo DiCaprio as she only has eyes for Bradley Cooper (another reason to like her) . . . Actor Jake Gyllenhaal is reportedly dating “Sports Illustrated” model Emily DiDonato after they met in spin class (they’re even attractive sweaty) . . . Aussie actor Russell Crowe says he’s captured a UFO on camera and he has the blurry photos to prove it (uh, that looks more like the underside of a toilet lid, mate) . . . After vacationing together in Tulum, Mexico this week, actresses Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon have flown home – on a private jet (Spring Break’s different when you’re rich & famous) . . . . And former “Jersey Shore” star Snooki (Nicole Polizzi) is showing off her new slim figure on the cover of the latest “Us Magazine”, posing in a bikini after losing 42 lbs since giving birth to her son last August (the thing is, Lorenzo weighed 39 lbs at birth).

• “The Gig In the Sky” (UK) – Sunday Brit pop stars from the ‘80s play a record-breaking gig at 43,000 feet for Comic Relief aboard a British Airways flight. Among the artists participating:
Bananarama, Go West, Kim Wilde, and Tony Hadley (Spandau Ballet). The event is being touted with the slogan: “The ‘80s are back, with altitude”.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (“The Heist”). Rerun.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host & musical performer Justin Timberlake (“Shirt & Tie”), who officially joins the “SNL” ‘5-timers club’ with this turn hosting.
• “SXSW” (Austin TX) – Today the 2013 edition of the “South By Southwest” music & film festival gets underway. Among the music docs screening: Dave Grohl’s “Sound City”; Jared Leto (30 Seconds to Mars) in “Artifact”; Snoop Dogg (Lion) in “Reincarnated”; Green Day’s “Broadway Idiot” about the stage show “American Idiot”; plus their making-of film “¡Cuatro!” about their recent trilogy of albums. Among the 1,000-plus musical artists: The Specials, Tegan & Sara, Vampire Weekend. The event runs through March 17th.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Michael Bolton (“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough: A Tribute to Hitsville USA”). Rerun.

• Andrew W.K. – The marginally successful rocker has just signed on as an unlikely spokesperson for Playtex’s new “Fresh + Sexy Wipes”, designed for use by both men and women before and after sex. (His best-selling album was 2001’s “I Get Wet”.)
• AWOLNATION – Tonight their 30-city North American Spring tour gets underway in Lubbock TX. Blondfire serves as the main support act on most dates.
• Bruno Mars – “Unorthodox Jukebox” has become his first #1 album, according to Nielsen Soundscan. Hard to believe with all the hit songs he’s cranked out.
• Green Day – Sunday in Pomona CA they perform the first of a trio of intimate club dates (Tempe AZ Monday; El Paso TX Wednesday). The tune-ups precede the re-launch of their arena tour, postponed last year after Billie Joe Armstrong checked into rehab.
• Kanye West – He’s let it be known via Twitter that Lil Wayne is the ‘best rapper in the world’. (Thereby further ticking off Jay-Z.)
• Luke Bryan – He may have next week’s #1 album. “Billboard” reports that “Spring Break … Here to Party” may sell slightly over 100,000 copies by the end of the tracking week on Sunday. That should be enough to put it on top of the sales chart.
• Maroon 5 – Adam Levine (33) is reportedly now dating “Gossip Girl”/”The Mindy Project” actress Amanda Setton (27).
• Rihanna – Tonight her 42-date “Diamonds” world tour kicks off in Buffalo NY. It’s currently set to run through July 20th in France.
• Snoop Dogg – He’s set to be the star of a new videogame called “Way Of the Dogg”, described as a combination of ‘musical rhythm and fighting games’. It should be out in April. (What happened to his transformation into Snoop ‘Lion’?)

• “Dead Man Down” ( Limited Release R-Rated Crime Thriller ): Colin Farrell stars as the right-hand man of a NYC crime lord who is seduced by one of his boss’s victims (Noomi Rapace of  “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”), a woman seeking retribution. Co-stars Dominic Cooper, Terrence Howard.
• “Oz The Great & Powerful” ( PG Fantasy Adventure ): In this Disney prequel to the “Wizard of Oz”, James Franco plays a small-time magician who arrives in an enchanted land and is forced to decide if he will be a good man or a great one. Co-stars Michelle Williams, Rachel Weisz, Mila Kunis. Directed by Sam Raimi (“Spider-Man” films).

Dr Nancy Etcoff’s book, “The Survival Of the Prettiest: The Science of Beauty”, analyses the biological reasons we consider certain characteristics attractive. For instance …
● Clear skin is attractive because we subconsciously consider it parasite-free.
● Tiny chins are attractive because they mimic the proportions of a baby’s face.
● A high ‘hip-to-waist ratio’ is attractive because it mimics the shape of an uninhabited womb.
(Often someone seems attractive because … they’re available.)
– PA News

How well do bicycles & cars share the road in your community? Highlights of a new CAA poll …
✳ 7% think they already safely coexist and no major changes are necessary.
✳ 15% don’t think bicycles should even be allowed on the road … they’re safer on sidewalks.
✳ 78% think bikes should be allowed on roads but more changes are needed to make it safer for everyone.
(Have you noticed that cyclists wearing hi-tech gear seem to be the most obnoxious?)

An AC Nielsen poll on the sleep habits of over 14,000 people in 28 countries finds that people worldwide seem to be getting to bed later, due to more and more distractions such as electronic devices, late-night entertainment, and all-night shopping. A few of the results …
• In general, Asians not only get to sleep later than most North Americans and Europeans but also wake-up earlier.
• Portugal boasts the most night owls, with 75% regularly staying up past midnight.
• Indonesia has the most early-risers as 91% roll out of bed by 7 am.
• Japanese get the least sleep, 41% saying they get 6 hours or less per night.
• Australians get the most Zs, with 31% averaging more than 9 hours a night.

• France has more citizens being held hostage than any other country.
• The Swedes put their kids out in the snow to nap.
– BBC News
• Asia is now home to 7 of the world’s 10 tallest buildings.
– “Wall Street Journal”


1977 [36] James Van Der Beek, Cheshire CT, TV actor (“Don’t Trust the B–– In Apartment 23” 2012-13, “Dawson’s Creek” 1998-2003)  UP NEXT: The CBS-TV comedy “Friends With Better Lives”.

1979 [34] Andy Ross, Worcester MA, rock guitarist (OK Go-“Here It Goes Again”, “Get Over It”)

1982 [31] Kat Von D (Katherine von Drachenberg), Monterrey, Mexico, tattoo artist/reality TV star (“LA Ink” 2007-11, “Miami Ink” 2005-06)/engaged to club DJ Deadmau5

Pop-rock bassist Robert Sledge (Ben Folds Five) is 45; Alt-rock drummer Shannon Leto (30 Seconds to Mars) is 43; TV personality Ben Mulroney (“eTalk Daily” is 37; Rapper Chingy (“Right Thurr”) is 33; Blues-rock keyboardist Ben Tanner (Alabama Shakes) is 30; Movie-TV actress Brittany Snow (“Pitch Perfect”) is 27; Rapper/movie actor Bow Wow (“The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift”) is 26.

TV personality Shannon Tweed (“Gene Simmons: Family Jewels”) is 56; Rock bassist Jeff Ament (Pearl Jam) is 50; British royal Prince Edward is 49; TV actor Jon Hamm (“Mad Men”) is 42; Rapper-producer Timbaland (“Promiscuous”) is 41; Rock guitarist Jerry Horton (Papa Roach) is 38; R&B singer Robin Thicke (“Sex Therapy”) is 36; Country singer Carrie Underwood (“Blown Away”) is 30; TV-movie actress Olivia Wilde (“House”) is 29; Brit R&B singer Emeli Sande (“Next to Me”) is 26; country singer Rachel Reinert (Gloriana) is 24.

• “Frozen Dead Guy Days” festival weekend in Nederland CO, an annual celebration of Grandpa Bredo Morstoel, who died in 1989, was frozen by his grandson, and stored in a shed. Among the events: ‘Kids Coffin Races’. (Huh!?!?)
• “Healthy Office Day”, focusing on the many types of pollutants that effect office workers: environmental, equipment, and stress-related. (Not to mention co-worker-related.)
• “International Women’s Day”, first suggested at a 1910 women’s conference in Copenhagen by activist Clara Zetkin. The first “IWD” was observed in Germany the next year. It’s a national holiday in China and Russia, where female workers are presented with flowers and gifts.
• “Middle Name Pride Day”, so stand up and be proud … Alphonse and Gertrude.
• “World’s Largest Rattlesnake Round-Up”, the 54th annual celebration in Sweetwater TX, with live rattlesnakes on display, snake-meat to eat, snake products for sale, a parade, a cook-off, and the ‘Miss Snake Charmer Pageant’ … as well as lots of snake herding, of course.

• “Amerigo Vespucci Day” [‘vuhs-POOCH-ee’], commemorating the Italian’s 1451 birth in Florence. He’s the marginally-successful explorer that a European mapmaker chose as namesake for the ‘New World’, as in ‘North Amerigo’.
• “Barbie Day”, the anniversary of the day the world’s most successful doll was first unveiled in 1959 at NYC’s “International Toy Fair”. More than 900 million Barbies have been sold since.
– Divorced Barbie [comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat …]
– Teenage Single Parent Barbie [with baby, bassinet, and welfare payment each month.]
– Brunette Barbie [only Barbie with a brain.]
– Body Piercing Barbie [comes with blue hair, tattoos, ear, nose, tongue and navel rings.]
– Minimum-Wage Barbie [includes fast food uniform and zits.]
– Trailerpark Tanya [Barbie’s white trash cousin. Unemployed ex-husband Jeff sold separately.]
– Barfie [Barbie’s bulimic friend.]
– Facial Hair Barbie [Just in time for her 54th birthday! As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror!]
• “Get Over It Day”, whatever it is that’s put that chip on your shoulder – a perceived slight, a public embarrassment, a failed relationship – it’s time to get over it and get on with your life.
• “Maple Syrup Saturday”, a celebration of the running of the sap from which they make liquid gold. About 75% of the world’s supply is produced in the Canadian province of Québec.

• “Daylight Saving Time” in North America begins at 2 am. The semi-annual clock reset is touted as a good excuse for “Check Your Batteries Day”, when you test and/or replace smoke alarm batteries.
• “International Day of Awesomeness”, a day to recognize that people are awesome every day, frequently don’t realize it, and their awesomeness is rarely recognized. On this special day you’re encouraged to both perform and celebrate feats of awesomeness!
• “Mario Day”, saluting anyone with that name because the abbreviated date (MAR-10) sort of spells ‘Mario’. Famous Marios include NHL Hall of Famer Mario Lemieux, legendary race car driver Mario Andretti, TV personality Mario Lopez, and the videogame Super Mario Bros.

1993 [20] MTV airs the first episode of the animated series “Beavis & Butthead”, which goes on to become the network’s highest-rated series to date

2003 [10] The Police reunite for their 1st concert in 18 years at their Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction

1998 [15] Surgeons in Chongqing, China remove 2 of a 32-year-old farmer’s 3 tongues to allow him to speak and eat normally for the first time in 20 years (he’d grown a 2nd tongue at age 5 and a 3rd by age 12)

1985 [28] John McPherson of Newcastle, England sets a new record by kissing 4,444 women in 8 hours (ew, how’d you like to be sloppy number 4,443?)

[Mon] Dream Day
[Mon] Fill Our Staplers Day
[Mon] Napping Day
[Mon] World Plumbing Day
[Tues] Kenny Chesney’s “No Shoes Nation Tour” begins (Houston TX)
[Tues] Organize Your Home Office Day
This Week Is … Professional Pet Sitters Week
This Month Is … Sing With Your Child Month


Many languages (ie: French, Spanish, Italian) assign gender to words, stipulating which are masculine and which are feminine. English does not do this, but if it did which would be which?
• Freezer Bags – Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
• Photocopiers – Female. Once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. And while they are effective reproductive devices if the right buttons are pushed, they can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
• Tires – Obviously male, because they go bald easily and are often overinflated.
• Hot Air Balloons – Also male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their butt.
• Sponges – These are female, because they are soft, squeezable, and retain water.
• Websites – Female because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently get hit on.
• Trains – Definitely male because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
• Egg Timers – Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
• Hammers – Male, because in the last 5,000 years they’ve hardly changed at all but are still occasionally handy to have around.
– Adapted from

Which runs faster?
a. An average water faucet.
b. An average hippopotamus. [CORRECT. Tap water travels an average of only 1 mph.]
c. An average Taco Bell customer.
– “Terribly Trivial!”

☎ Finish this sentence: “We’re so stupid that …”
(We pay extra for brown eggs because we think they taste different. We walk around staring at a handheld device instead of looking people in the eye. We eat tofu.)

During March Break he did a lot of exercise on the beach … by sucking in his stomach every time he saw a bikini.

Question: If you have a desk job, you do THIS twice as much as a person who does manual labor.
Answer: Eat.

The only thing most people do better than anyone else is read their own handwriting.

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