Monday, May 10, 2004        Edition: #2785
Bull Soup For the Radio Personality’s Soul!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “E! Online” reports that 52.5 million tuned in for last THURSDAY’s “Friends” finalé, making it the 2nd-most watched TV program of the year behind the Super Bowl. (But without the same exciting finish.)
• UK’s “Sun” tab reports that while Ben Affleck was chatting at a Washington dinner with Vanessa Kerry, daughter of US presidential candidate John Kerry, a middle-aged woman flashed her boobs at him and yelled, “You are f—ing gorgeous!” A witness says, “It wasn’t pretty.” (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)
• 57-year-old billionaire-cum-reality-show-star Donald Trump tells “Star” magazine he’s considering fatherhood again. He recently announced plans to wed Slovenian model Melania Knauss. He already has already has 4 children from his 2 previous marriages, he’s says quite willing to have more. (This guy oughta consider a vasectomy – just to kill off those hair genes!)
• “Daily Dish” reports that Ashley Olsen, currently co-starring with sis’ Mary-Kate in “New York Minute”, has split from her 3-year boyfriend, Columbia University sports star Matt Kaplan. The parting was apparently ‘on good terms’. (Translation: He signed a discretion contract.)
• Rumor has it that a group of mysterious European money men are trying to convince Mel Gibson to take over Walt Disney Corp. “NY Post” says investors are so impressed with Gibson’s $600-million worldwide take for “The Passion Of The Christ”, they think he could run an entire studio. (He’s not qualified. His name doesn’t end in ‘-stein’.)
• According to “National Enquirer” Quentin Tarantino is annoyed with Mel Gibson, because Gibson gave him heck for the gratuitous violence in “Kill Bill: Volume 2″. (Yeah, “The Passion” was totally blood-free.)
• Actress Jaime Pressly tells “US Weekly” her romance with Kid Rock has come to an end. They had been dating since JANUARY before going their separate ways. She says the split is due to their unwillingness to compromise. (For instance, she was insisting he quit sleeping with Pam.)
• “Mirror” reports that “Matrix” star Keanu Reeves has rekindled his relationship with former girlfriend Autumn Macintosh (isn’t that a breed of apple?). The couple, who originally dated in the early ‘90s, have been on a string of dates and are said to be ‘very serious’ about each other. (Hey, who wouldn’t be serious about a hunky guy worth a reported $100 million?)
• “Star” magazine says actress Gwyneth Paltrow is expected to give birth to a baby girl THIS WEEK at a special birthing center close to her & husband Chris Martin’s London home. Word is they’ll pick a name after they look at the face. (Great, they’ll call her ‘Pinky’.)

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Sting – He continues to suffer from severe laryngitis due to a throat infection and missed another concert on the weekend, the 6th that’s been postponed, this time in England.
• Black Eyed Peas – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Clay Aiken – He’ll sing a ballad called “Proud of Your Boy” that was deleted from Disney’s original “Aladdin” release on the 2-disc special edition DVD of the movie coming in OCTOBER.
• Nickelback – TONIGHT they do “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Loretta Lynn – Her new album “Van Lear Rose”, produced by Jack White of the White Stripes, has debuted at #24, her best debut on the “Billboard 200″ ever.
• Jo Dee Messina – She says she decided to enter rehab after her manager confronted her in Houston following a rough performance after this year’s Super Bowl.
• Britney Spears – She’s pitching her own reality TV show, asking a cool $1 million per episode.
• Beyoncé – She snagged the use of a free Jaguar XJ350 with driver during her visit to London. Quite a coup because the car isn’t even in production yet.
• Usher – TONIGHT he’s on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.

“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Man Falls Off Roof … While Mounting Lucky Horseshoes!”
• “Granny’s False Teeth Pick Winning Stocks … 3 Months After She Died!”
• “Marilyn Monroe Was a Vampire & Hoover Had Her Killed to Prevent Her from Biting JFK!”
• “Zombie Army Helped Rebel Leaders Conquer Haiti!”
• “Saddam Tormented by Ghost of Lawrence of Arabia!”
• “Elvis Painting Cries Real Tears!”
• “Pope Wants Mel Gibson as Successor!”
• “Woman, 79, Dies in Meatloaf Explosion!”

THE FAMILY THAT CLEANS TOGETHER:
A new sociology study of 3,000 families by the University of California-Irvine finds that dads who help with housework tend to have better-adjusted kids. Professor Scott Coltrane says that’s because children who see their pop perform domestic duties learn co-operation and democratic family values. Thus they’re more likely to get along with peers and less likely to be troublemakers at school than those whose mothers do all the work.
– “Parents” magazine.

GARDENING BY GENDER:
According to the soon-to-publish book “Lost Gardens of England” by Kathryn Bradley-Hole, men and women have distinctly different approaches when it comes to gardening. Men are more likely to plan lawns and gardens in geometric patterns. Men are also far more likely to enter giant fruit and vegetable contests. (Not surprisingly, for men even growing pumpkins becomes a pissing contest.)
– “London Observer”

IT’S A WACK WORLD:
• Russian scientist Klim Sulimov has created a new breed of dog that’s part wild Jackal and part Northern Husky. His new ‘Huskjackals’ have a sense of smell 50 times sharper than other dogs. (On the downside, they always eat the rest of your dogsled team.)
• Florida’s Daytona Cubs Class A minor league baseball team is holding an essay contest with the grand prize of … an all-expenses-paid funeral. (Fans are just dying to win!)
• When Paris police pulled over one of their own for drunk driving, they found him wearing only … a pair of fishnet stockings. He admitted he was moonlighting as a prostitute in order to make ends meet … as it were.
• A radio show in Denmark made a tongue-in-cheek appeal to Danish citizens to help out their neighbors in Norway where a truckers’ strike has led to a run on toilet paper in stores. Concerned listeners have responded by send in more than 1,000 rolls!

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• A new poll finds that 46% of low-carb dieters actually believe they can lose weight just by cutting carbs without cutting calories.
• For the first time ever, “Premiere” magazine’s annual list of “The 100 Most Influential People in Hollywood” includes … Jesus. But he only made it on at #100. (Because his name doesn’t end in ‘-stein’.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.10.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [49] Chris Berman, Greenwich CT, ESPN/ABC sportscaster (“Monday Night Football”) QUOTES: “Back, back, back, back. Gone!”/”He-could-go-all-the-way!”

1960 [44] Bono (Paul Hewson), Dublin IRE, rock singer (U2-“Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of”, “Beautiful Day”)  FACTOID: Nominated for 2003 Nobel Peace Prize for his successful efforts to relieve 3rd world debt and promote AIDS awareness in Africa, making him the only person nominated for an Oscar, Grammy, Golden Globe & Nobel Prize.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the annual “Clean Up Your Room Day”. Once a year? What, were you born in a barn? To help you out, here’s a quick primer on …
HOW TO ‘SPEED CLEAN’:
• Make every move count.
• Use the right tools & products. If what you’re using isn’t working, switch.
• Work from top to bottom.
• If it isn’t dirty, don’t clean it.
• Don’t rinse a surface before it’s clean, then don’t keep working on it after it is.
• Use both hands.
• If there are more than one of you, work as a team.
– The book “Speed Cleaning Rules”.

TODAY is “Trust Your Intuition Day”, a day to listen to your ‘gut feelings’ and act upon them. Is it true? Are women better at this than men?

TOMORROW “Frasier Finalé Week” begins on NBC-TV with a special “Dateline”/”Frasier” combo. Then the actual 2-hour show finalé airs THURSDAY, including the final episode “Goodnight, Seattle”. (Promotion of this has been so confused, even the NBC-TV Website has the air-dates messed up.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1853 [151] The ‘potato chip’ is invented by Chef George Chum of the Carey Moon Lake House in Saratoga Springs NY (just yesterday at the gas station, I bought a bag from the original batch)

1908 [96] 1st (unofficial) “Mother’s Day” held, at request of Philadelphia’s Anna Jarvis

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983 [21] Lee Chin Yong performs a record 170 continuous chin-ups (Seoul KOR)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Eat What You Want Day
[Wed] Limerick Day
[Wed] Kite Day
[Wed] 3rd Shift Workers Day
[Wed] International Nurse’s Day
[Wed] Cannes Film Festival opens
[Fri] “Breakin’ All the Rules” & “Troy” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Dance Like A Chicken Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Postcard Week
Police Week
Nurses Week
Tourism Week
Nursing Home Week
Stuttering Awareness Week
Hug An Elder Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• Which is the is the world’s most visited grave site?
a. Princess Diana
b. Elvis Presley  [CORRECT. “Guinness World Records” says over 700,000 visit annually.]
c. Marilyn Monroe

• How many different smells can the average nose distinguish?  
a. 50
b. 500
c. 5,000 [CORRECT. Most people can distinguish somewhere between 5,000 to 10,000 different aromas. Among the most recognizable – coffee, peanut butter, banana.]

• When an ad for this product appeared in “Ladies’ Home Journal” in 1919, hundreds of offended women cancelled their subscription.
a. Vacuum Cleaner
b. Condom
c. Underarm Deodorant [CORRECT, the ‘Odorono’ brand.]

• If you’re average, you’ll wear over 7,000 of these in your lifetime.
a. Hats
b. Diapers [CORRECT, some worn early in life – and some late.]
c. Bandaids

• Physically speaking, what’s the ideal age for a woman to become pregnant?
a. 16
b. 22 [CORRECT, according to “Glamour” magazine.]
c. 28

BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – There’s an exotic stranger in your future. He’s tall, dark, handsome … and unfortunately crouched in a fetal position under your desk.
• Taurus – You thought your vegetable-peeling skills would go to waste … until Earth is invaded by space yams later this month.
• Gemini – If you don’t have something nice to say, send it in an e-mail.
• Cancer –  If looks could kill, you’d still be harmless.
• Leo – Be thankful for all your abilities. Not everyone can type with their nose hair.
• Virgo – Between now and the next equinox, don’t trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
• Libra – Your success in romance is governed less by the constellation Vega than your refusal to use mouthwash.
• Scorpio – A creature from the 6th dimension will become attached to your leg and will become impossible to remove. Fortunately, you’ll eventually get used to it.
• Sagittarius – Unfortunately, you’ll realize that the boss wasn’t joking – your job really is going to be performed by a primitive tribe in Madagascar. Start packing up your desk.
• Capricorn – Sorry nerdball, knocking a few seconds off your Rubik’s Cube solving time will not translate into a better prom date.
• Aquarius –  The stars want you to know that your horoscope bill is due. No more forecasts until you pay up, cheapo!
• Pisces – You’ll stop planning your party for the series finalé of “Frazier” when you realize that you’ve always hated the show.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS used to take a lot longer but nowadays we manage to pull it off in an average of 2 minutes, 49 seconds.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Using a drive-thru.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you think you have no faults … that makes one.