Monday, May 3, 2004 Edition: #2780
Sheet, Featuring Bull
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• Kirsten Dunst carries a comfort blanket with her wherever she goes. According to “Teen Hollywood”, the “Spider-Man” actress keeps a close eye on the small, scruffy piece of wool that she’s traveled with all her life. Quote: “It’s my blanky, the brown one mom got when she was pregnant and didn’t know if I was a boy or a girl.” (There are more people secretly doing this than you might think.)
• Former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham has known all along about her soccer star husband David’s infidelity, according to “OK!” magazine. A ‘friend’ claims Beckham has slept with any number of women but he’s determined to maintain their high-profile marriage. On the other hand, Victoria’s said to be staying with him for the sake of their children. (Translation: My singing career is kaput and this guy’s loaded.)
• 37-year-old movie writer & director Larry Wachowski, one of the Wachowski Bros who made “The Matrix” trilogy, is planning to start a new life as – Linda Wachowski. According to “Daily Star”, he’s about to have a sex change operation to become a woman. His strange secret life was revealed LAST YEAR when his 9-year wife Thea Bloom divorced him, claiming he’s a transvestite who had an affair with a dominatrix porn star. (Wow, no wonder “The Matrix” films were so weird!)
• “National Enquirer” reports that “Lennon”, a musical about the late John Lennon, is scheduled to debut on Broadway in early 2005. The show’s been approved by his widow Yoko Ono and will primarily feature tunes he wrote after the breakup of the Beatles. (Her savings account is getting low or what?)
• “Entertainment Weekly” reports that Bob Dylan and Paul McCartney may join the next season of “American Idol” as guest judges. (Dylan would be really good – “Hey man, atsa smally thurna rondala ponsa …”)
• If you can’t get enough of “American Idol”, you’ll soon be able to buy your own “American Idol” celllphone. “Star” magazine notes that the special Nokia phones will feature the critical voice of Simon Cowell as well as text messages from the cranky judge. They will also have “American Idol” ring-tones.
• And “Daily News” reports the actual grill from Billy Joel’s 1967 Citroen that crashed into a Long Island house APRIL 25th is now up for bid on eBay, along with real dirt from the property! The seller is apparently a WBLI radio news reporter who was on the scene covering the story. Bidding opened at $50 and is now well over $300.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Christina Aguilera – She’s been forced to scrap her summer tour with Chingy, scheduled to begin MAY 13th, purportedly suffering from vocal strain. But a music biz insider says the real reason is poor ticket sales, with shows only selling at 60% of capacity or less.
• Missy Elliott – She’s reportedly suffering from extreme exhaustion and stress and was forced to cancel her Carnegie Hall concert in NYC. She apparently has a history of high blood pressure and has been ordered to do some downtime.
• Alicia Keys: TONIGHT she’s on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Mick Jagger: He and former Eurythmics musician Dave Stewart have teamed up to put together the soundtrack for a remake of the classic film “Alfie”. The new version will feature Jude Law in the role made famous by Michael Caine.
• Limp Bizkit – Fred Durst is planning to launch a line of clothing on QVC shopping channel.
THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T IMPACT YOUR TIP:
According to tipping etiquette, there are several reasons why you might reduce your tip in a restaurant. These, however, are not among them …
• Not getting your steak cooked properly.
• The restaurant being out of your favorite dish.
• The cleanliness of the restrooms.
• Difficulty finding a parking space.
• Having a conflict with another diner.
• Having a bad day.
• Having difficulty with your date.
• Anything else beyond the human control of your waiter or waitress.
A physician is calling for clear warnings on microwave ovens after exploding food damaged a girl’s eye. The 9-year-old was hit in the face by fragments of a boiled egg that she reheated intact in its shell at full power for 40 seconds. The egg exploded 30 seconds after it was removed from the oven. Safety experts say warning stickers might help, but parents should teach children about the potential dangers of microwaves. (What was your best microwave blow-up? Baked potatoes give a big bang for the buck, but are real messy to clean up.)
– “British Medical Journal”
BIG WEEKEND IN THAILAND:
20 ‘big-boned’ contestants participated in the annual “Jumbo Queen Pageant” at the Samphran Elephant Ground & Zoo near Bangkok on the weekend, part of the zoo’s annual “Jumbo Banquet Elephant Feast”. Weighing in at 372 lbs, Bangon Waiyawong was the clear winner, beating the 2nd placed contestant by 63 lbs. The 34-year-old former model has more than tripled her weight, once tipping the scales at just 114 lbs. She now owns a beauty shop and trains aspiring contestants for conventional beauty contests.
– “Irish Examiner”
BRITS ENJOY THE FRESH AIR:
Highlights of the just-released ‘Great British Sex Survey’ …
• 60% of UK adults have had sex in a public place
• 56% have been unfaithful in a relationship.
• 38% of women lost their virginity at age 16 or under.
• 34% of women fake orgasms.
– “FHM” magazine
KEVLAR IN A CAN:
US Army scientists are working on body armor that comes in a – spray can. The liquid armor. hardens in an instant when hit. It has already stopped arrows in tests and researchers hope it will do the same for bullets and shrapnel. Liquid armor could be applied to sleeves and pants, areas not protected by bulletproof vests. The concept may also be used for civilian crash protection in cars and planes. (Hmm, it sprays on and stiffens in an instant? Is this stuff gonna get abused!)
BIMMERS ARE BETTER:
For it’s MAY issue, German magazine “Men’s Car” surveyed 20 to 50-year-old drivers to find out who was getting it regularly. The results show that BMW drivers have more sex than the owners of any other cars – 2.2 times per week – followed by Audi (2.1), and Italian cars (2.0). Among women, French car drivers were tops (2.1). Interesting that Porsche ranked near the bottom for both men and women. (Only surpassed by middle-aged guys in Corvettes.)
AND WE QUOTE:
“I grew up in a pretty strict Christian household and there were strict morals. I’m no slut.” – Avrill Lavigne, perhaps explaining where her hit “Don’t Tell Me” came from.
BS AMAZING FACT:
There are roughly 100 million single adults living in the USA. (And co-host STILL can’t get a date.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.03.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933  James Brown, Barnwell SC, soul singer (“I Feel Good”)/’Hardest Working Man in Show Business’/’Godfather of Soul’/’Soul Brother Number One’/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1986) FACTOID: He now wants to get back together and remarry his on-again/off-again latest wife Tomi Rae.
1946  Greg Gumbel, New Orleans LA, light-voiced, semi-talented CBS-TV sportscaster
1968  Shane Minor, Modesto CA, country singer (“Ordinary Love”, “Slave to the Habit”)
1973  Brad Martin, Greenfield OH, country singer (“Before I Knew Better”)
1975  Dule Hill, Orange NJ, TV actor (President’s personal aide ‘Charlie Young’ on “The West Wing”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “World Press Freedom Day”, as declared by the UN. (Celebrating the right to shove a camera in someone’s face and chip their teeth with a mike, and to get into sports events with a free pass.)
TODAY is “Significant Other Day”, sort of an anniversary celebration for unwed couples. (Meaning, the male half will forget.)
TODAY is “International Telecommuting Day”, to encourage employers to develop programs for employees to work at home at least part of the time (aka ‘Work in Your Bathrobe Day’).
TODAY is “Hug Your Cat Day”, a highlight of “National Pet Week”. Good luck!
TODAY is “Melanoma Monday”, a highlight of “Melanoma/Skin Cancer Detection & Prevention Month”, designed to raise awareness about melanoma and encourage us to begin a lifelong habit of regular skin self-examination. (Alrighty!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1934  1st ‘comic book’ published (“Famous Funnies”)
1971  1st ‘telephone answering machine’
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Relationship Renewal Day
[Tues] Scrapbook Day
[Tues] Weather Observer’s Day
[Wed] Cinco de Mayo
[Wed] National Cartoonist Day
[Wed] No Diet Day
[Thurs] “Friends” series finalé
[Thurs] National Nurses Week begins
[Fri] International Tuba Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Historic Preservation Week
Update Your References Week
Bathroom Reading Week
Cartoon Art Appreciation Week
PTA Teacher Appreciation Week
Pen Friends Week International
Be Kind To Animals Week
Flexible Work Arrangement Week
Suicide Awareness Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
REJECTED HALLMARK HOLIDAYS:
The Taxman Cometh Day
Abusive Cousins Day
Pork Gristle Appreciation Day
Christian Brainwashing Day
World “Accept My God Or You Die” Day
Passive-Aggressive Custodian Day
That Fat Girl’s Hot Friend Day
Overpaid Athletes’ Day
Cat Lovers’ Widdle Pussy Wussy Day
Take Our Monstrous Dimpled Thighs To Work Day
Cinco de Mayonnaise
Shoplifter Pride Day
You’re Just Like Your Worthless Father Day
Greeting Card Day
BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the best revenge you’ve ever gotten on an ex-? (On the UK TV documentary “Revenge: Getting Even With Your Ex”, a wife who discovered her husband had another woman says she served him a last supper of ‘dog poo pie’, figuring that if he can talk crap, he can also eat it. Amazingly, he loved it!)
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• 25-year-old Canadian Daniel Lachance has been in the news lately. What’s his claim to fame?
a. Rolling around naked on the ice during an NHL playoff game.
b. Setting the world doughnut-eating record.
c. Stalking Britney Spears. [CORRECT]
• What was the doctor who delivered Dolly Parton paid?
a. 1 sack of cornmeal. [CORRECT]
b. 2 chickens.
c. 3 matching flour sacks for his wife to make a dress.
• The only one in Canada is located in Osoyoos BC. What is it?
b. Desert. [CORRECT]
c. Honest politician.
You will be a winner today … pick a fight with a 4-year-old. You are at a turning point in your life … turn left. Overall, you will have a fantastic day … until the Valium wears off.
BS BLATANT JOKE:
[Reporter’s] motto is: Get the facts first … you can distort them later!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In Japan, THIS is the most common topping on Domino’s pizza.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Squid.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.