Thursday, May 29, 2003        Edition: #2552
Sheet Happens!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT LA Laker Shaquille O’Neal’s size 22 golf shoes will be auctioned for a local charity and are expected to fetch upwards of $10,000 (from either a clown or a water skier) . . . Julia Roberts’s soon-to-be ex- Danny Moder has confirmed to a German newspaper that their marriage is history – after just 10 months (wow, a new record for her) . . . Lisa Marie Presley blabs to “Playboy” that she likes rough sex, ‘the way they do it in porn movies’, and Michael Jackson never gave her that (no, really?) . . . Clever little Reese Witherspoon tells “Vogue” she doesn’t wear sexy clothes because she doesn’t want to someday be known as ‘that used-to-be-sexy actress’ (as opposed to ‘never was’?) . . . 15-year-old “Lizzie McGuire” star Hilary Duff is denying she’s had breast inplants even though a cosmetic surgery expert says they’re ‘suspiciously high’ (seems Disney thought her salary demands were too – and dumped her) . . . “FHM” magazine’s newly-crowned ‘Sexiest Woman in the World’, Halle Berry, says her feet are the sexiest part of her body – at least, that’s what her men have told her . . . Simon Cowell says he may not return to judge a 3rd edition of “American Idol” because he’d like to return to England & his day job of producing records (love him or hate him, he made the show a hit) . . . Winona Ryder hasn’t RSVP-ed to an invitation to attend a San Diego high school’s satirical musical about her famous shoplifting case called “Sticky Fingers: A Tale of Saks, Lies & Videotape” that opens THIS WEEK . . . A $13-million musical based on “Lord of the Rings” is being developed for 2005, the most expensive production ever to hit London’s West End theater district . . . In an unprecedented gesture of appreciation, Keanu Reeves is planning to give away some $80 million of his profits from the 2 “Matrix” sequels to the special effects people & costume designers who worked on the movies (he’ll still have $20 million or more left over) . . . Justin Timberlake recently had London’s famous Harrods department store re-opened late at night so he could go shopping with – his mommy . . . Reports say 22-year-old Christina Aguilera has been enjoying a secret 8-month love affair with a member of her management team, 25-year-old Jordan Bratman, who’s apparently ‘not the best looking guy in the world’ (but has a nice personality).

FUTURE FLICKS:
Paramount Pictures has bought the rights to the story in Avril Lavigne’s hit “Sk8er Boi” and hired a screenwriter to adapt it into a feature film . . . Will Ferrell, Luke Wilson & Vince Vaughn are expected to reunite for a sequel to the back-to-college comedy “Old School”, which surprisingly grossed $75 million . . . Patrick Swayze is expected to do only a cameo in the upcoming sequel, “Havana Nights: Dirty Dancing 2″, starring that household name – Romola Garai . . . Al Pacino is in talks to star as ‘Shylock’ in a bigscreen version of Shakespeare’s “The Merchant of Venice” along with Cate Blanchett, Sir Ian McKellen & Joseph Fiennes (lately Pacino’s been paying his ‘pound of flesh’ to ex-partner Beverly D’Angelo) . . . Nicolas Cage will star in “National Treasure” as an archaelogist-historian who believes there’s a treasure map hidden on the back of the US Declaration of Independence (just call it “Indiana Jones” 4″) . . . And word has it Sean Penn is trying to persuade ex-wife Madonna to co-star in a romantic comedy about a middle-aged star trying to recapture success, appropriately titled – “Madonna and Child”.

LISTEN UP, STINKY:
Researchers at the University of Illinois’ College of Dentistry have found that compounds in tea can slow the growth of bacteria in our mouths, the primary cause of bad breath. The magic ingredients are antioxidants found in both green and black teas. These so-called polyphenols not only prevent bacteria that causes halitosis, but also stop an enzyme that causes the formation of hydrogen sulfide – the ultimate culprit for rotten breath. (Forget the Mentos, keep some Earl Grey in your pocket.)

MODERN SNAKE OIL:
The SARS outbreak has virtually shut down several cities in the world, but it’s meant big bucks to kiwi farmers. How’s that? New Zealand kiwi growers say sales have soared since a pair of scientists from Taiwan made the dubious speculation that the fruit may help ward off the disease.

DOWNLOADS DROPPING:
Get ready for an online music price-war – Listen.com is lowering its price for burning music onto CDs to 79 cents per song. (Still a long ways from KaZaA.)

DON’T EAT THE GREEN CHILI:
At a court appearance in Melbourne, Australia to answer charges of unsanitary food at his Rajah Sahib Tavern & Tandoori Grill, Larry Mendonca denied that the moldy items that inspectors found were part of his restaurant’s fare. Moldy relish and 8-year-old pickles? Mendonca said they were his personal foods, not the restaurant’s. A bowl of chilis topped with mold? His. A moldy jug of salad dressing? His. Besides, he said, “It was scum, not mold.”

PUCKHEAD FOR A DAY:
THIS WEEK US Army helicopter pilot and NY Islanders’ supporter Roger Farina spent a day in NYC as honorary NHL commissioner as the winner of a contest to find the ‘Biggest Hockey Fan in North America’ (hmm … don’t remember seeing entry forms for this anywhere in Canada). He took the opportunity to hit up real NHL commish Gary Bettman with some new ideas, including players wearing a patch of their native country on their uniforms.

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average man changes his suit size every 3 years. (Funny, that’s the same interval as [co-host] changes his boxers.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.29.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1903 [100] Bob (Leslie Townes) Hope, Eltham ENG, retired actor/comedian best known for his ‘Road’ pictures with Bing Crosby, his worldwide tours for the USO, and his 17 years as host of the Academy Awards/honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II in 1998  FACTOID : A book of his best jokes is being published in honor of his 100th birthday.  QUOTE: “I’m so old, they’ve canceled my blood type.”

1958 [45] Annette Bening, Topeka KS, film actress (“American Beauty”, “The American President”)/Mrs Warren Beatty (4 kids together)

1959 [44] Rupert Everett, Norfolk ENG, movie actor (“The Next Best Thing”, “Inspector Gadget”)

1961 [42] Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth KS, rock singer (“I Want to Come Over”, “Come to My Window”)/separated from partner Julie Cypher after having 2 children, both artificially inseminated from David Crosby/now engaged to partner Tammy Lynn Michaels

1967 [36] Noel Gallagher, Manchester ENG, rock guitarist/songwriter (Oasis-“Hindu Times”, “Champagne Supernova”)/Liam Gallagher’s slightly less obnoxious brother

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
In England, TODAY is “Oak-Apple Day” or “Shick-Shack Day”, the anniversary of the restoration of Charles II to the British throne in 1660, traditionally marked by wearing an oak leaf or twig (because wearing the whole tree can cause severe back pain). The current Prince Charles has let it be known that if and when he becomes king, he’d rather be called ‘King George VII’ rather than ‘Charles III’ because the previous Charlies were lousy leaders – Charles I was beheaded, and Charles II fathered so many illegitimate children that he was known as the ‘Father of his People’.

THIS WEEKEND the 18th annual “Buffalo Chip Throwing Championship” hurls in Luverne MN.
Every year, around 20 teams of tossers ‘fece-off’ to fling “BS” into toilets placed 20 feet and 40 feet away. Local politicos usually have their own category (because they’re considered professionals) but this year state legislators are stuck in special session and will be skipping the event. The winning team gets the ‘Buffalo Horn Trophy’, a plaque featuring a pair of buffalo horns. We wonder – do buffalo chips come with dip?
PHONER: 507-283-4061 (Luverne Area Chamber of Commerce)
NET: http://www.luvernemn.com/events/buffalo-days/default.asp

10 YEARS AGO . . .
1993 [10] LA Kings beat Toronto Maple Leafs 5-4 to advance to Stanley Cup final (Gretzky gets hat trick for record 8th time in playoff career)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1900 [103] Otis Elevator Co trademarks the name ‘Escalator’ (the other day when the power went off, [co-host] was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours!)

1953 [50] Sherpa guide Tenzing Norkay allows his boss Sir Edmund Hillary to become 1st to stand atop Mt Everest  FACTOID: Hillary says he wouldn’t climb Everest today even if he were still young because he hates ‘sham mountaineering’ and ‘wouldn’t want to join the queue that is scrambling to get up the mountainside’.

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1988 [15] ‘Longest knitted scarf’ measures 20 miles, 13 feet (someone’s aunt started knitting and just got carried away?)

1996 [07] Odd record set for ‘longest names of 2 starting pitchers in one MLB game’ (San Francisco Giant William VanLandingham and NY Met Jason Isringhausen – 37 letters)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Solar Eclipse
[Sat] Save Your Hearing Day
[Sat] 2003 MTV Movie Awards (airing June 5)
[June 5-8] 32nd Nashville Fan Fair
This Week Is . . . Bathroom Reading Week
This Month Is . . . Good Car Keeping Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BOGUS TIPS:
Argentinian women’s magazine “Claudia” has been forced to publish an apology after publishing some really bad advice. An article suggested old bottles of nail polish could be restored by putting them in a microwave for 3 minutes. The magazine received more than a hundred complaints of microwave ovens exploding! Here’s some other bad advice on how to save money, create enjoyment and generally enhance your life –
• Foil pickpockets by placing a freshly toasted Pop Tart in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the pastry and get painful finger burns from the steaming hot jam.
• Save money on expensive vanity license plates for your car by changing your name to match your existing plate.
• Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
• Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in a railing you’ll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
• Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
• Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making ‘blinders’ out of two Post-It notes, one stuck to each temple.
• Deter your goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
• Make bath time as much fun for the kids as a trip to the ocean by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the tub.
• Make your girlfriend cry when you’re having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

BS INTERVIEW:
An organization for women 50 & older called ‘The Red Hat Society’ is quickly catching on with chapters being formed across North America. Members wear red hats & purple dresses, but not to set a fashion trend – it’s just for fun. It’s not a service club, charity or fundraising group, just women ‘embracing middle age’. The Red Hat Society was inadvertently started by Californian Sue Ellen Cooper about 3 years ago as a result of a gathering of women who decided that silliness is the comedy relief of life.
PHONER: 714-738-0001 (Fullerton CA)
NET: http://www.redhatsociety.com

RADIO REPELLENT:
With mosquito-borne West Nile Virus expected to be a worry again THIS SUMMER, it may be a good time to pick up on a promotional gimmick “BS” first told you about in 1997. Both USP-FM in Sao Paulo, Brazil and Compiège FM in northern France experimented with transmitting a high-pitched ‘anti-mosquito frequency’ simultaneously with their normal on-air fare. The ultra-sonic signal is unheard by the human ear but reputedly intolerable to blood-sucking female skitters, repelling any within 10 meters of a radio speaker. Does it work? Listeners interviewed during the broadcasts had split opinions, but one thing was for certain – it sure got people talking about the radio station!

BS FINISH LINES:
Your phone contestant (kids work well) must try to finish the following lines of song lyrics –
• “How do I live without you I want to know? … [How do I breathe without you if you ever go?”]
• “And the 3 men I admire most, the father, son and the … [holy ghost, they caught the last train for the coast the day the music died.”]
• “We are beautiful no matter what they … [say, words won’t bring us down.”]
• “I’m still Jenny from the block, used to have a … [little, now I have a lot.”]
• “He was a boy, she was a girl … [can I make it any more obvious?”]
• “Coz I’ve got friends in low places where the … [whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away.”]
• “I was lost, I was lost, crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed … [I was lost, oh yeah.”]
• “They paved paradise and put up a parking lot, with a pink hotel … [a boutique, and a swinging hot spot.”]
• “A little bit of this, a little bit of that …. [It started with a kiss, now we’re up to bat.”]
• “True patriot love in all thy sons command … [With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the true north strong and free.”]
• “And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air … [Gave proof thro’ the night that our flag was still there.”]

BS PHONE STARTER:
“If it could speak, what would your pet say?”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.
• I can’t think of anything to say. It’s sort of like writer’s block of the mouth.
• Someday I’ll retire from radio and write a book about all the fantastic things that have
happened to me. Then, in the afternoon I’ll go shopping.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Women do THIS more than men, but only by 20 minutes per month.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Talk on the phone.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Always keep your words soft and sweet … in case you have to eat them.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition of “The Bull Sheet”!