Wednesday, May 14 , 2003        Edition: #2540
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT is the 2-hour series finale of “Dawson’s Creek”, set 5 years in the future when ‘Dawson’, ‘Joey’, ‘Pacey’ & ‘Jen’ return to Capeside to attend a wedding (we can’t tell you whose – it’d wreck it) . . . Infamous hothead actor David Caruso is pushing around his “CSI: Miami” co-stars again, telling Rory Cochrane (who plays ‘Timothy Speedle’) to quit partying – or he’s history . . . NBC has priced ads for the series finale of “Friends” a year from now at $2 million a pop for 30-seconds . . . Former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham has been signed up by hip-hop artists Jay-Z & Damon Dash to model their urban clothing line . . . The surging Canadian dollar doesn’t make everyone happy – movie industry types are worrying it may cause Hollywood producers to start looking elsewhere for cheaper locations . . . 55-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger is hinting the upcoming “Terminator” sequel “T-3: Rise Of The Machines” may be his last movie because of his political ambitions . . . Britney Spears is upset about a new tattoo she recently had etched on her hip, a Japanese symbol she thought meant ‘mysterious’ but in reality means – ‘strange’ . . . Self-possessed actress Catherine Zeta-Jones is becoming unpopular with neighbors in Swansea, Wales by attempting to ban hikers from using a public trail that runs just 20 yards from the backdoor of her $1.6 million mansion . . . 22-year-old Christina Aguilera’s weight gain has been explained – her personal trainer says she’s deliberately mowing down on carbohydrates to give her more energy when she hits the road to tour with Justin Timberlake THIS SUMMER (so forget the rumor she’s pregnant …. or spread it … whatever you’d like) . . . And prim-and-proper former “Baywatch” babe Pamela Anderson is now admitting that while she was on the show from 1992-97, she had sex with her hunky lifeguard co-stars … ALL of them … at least once.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
TONIGHT “The Matrix: Reloaded”, starring Keanu Reeves, debuts with a special late-night screening (typically 10pm) in selected theaters before opening in wide release TOMORROW. The much-anticipated sequel is primed to be the next big summer event movie. The sequel boasts roughly 1,000 virtual effect shots, compared with 412 in the original. The final installment “The Matrix  Revolutions” (coming NOVEMBER 5th) will feature 1,500 FX shots.

BOX OFFICE RECIPE:
London University academic and sometime movie director Sue Clayton believes she’s discovered the perfect ingredients for making a movie blockbuster by analyzing hit movies frame-by-frame. According to her analysis, the ‘perfect film’ includes – 30% action, 17% comedy, 13% good vs evil, 12% sex and/or romance, 10% special effects, 10% plot, and 8% music. She claims the formula applies to all 5 basic film types – Romantic Comedy, Comedy Caper, Action/Adventure, Epic/Romance & Special Effects/Fantasy. The film that most closely matches her recipe – “Toy Story 2″.

NEW-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Gardenalia’ – Antique gardening tools and paraphernalia. Collectors have created a hot market for them, particularly in the UK. (Just last weekend, [co-host] paid 50 bucks for an old hoe.)
• ‘All Cotton’ or ‘Nothing But Net’ – Terms adapted from basketball, where they describe a shot that swishes through without hitting the rim. They now describe anything that‘s bang-on-target. (“Campanelli, your marketing proposal is all cotton. Let’s move on it!”)
• ‘Upshifters’ – People who live faster, work harder, and make more than average. They find relaxing unbearable and think ‘downshifting’ is for wimps. (Basically, they’re the new yuppies.)

GET OUT THE SUNSCREEN:
TODAY Lake Como Nudist Resort in Land O’ Lakes FL is hosting the world’s 1st Webcast of a naked co-ed team tennis tournament. Organizer Dom Whalen says the idea is to break the stereotype that nudism means sex. If the Webcast is successful, they intend to show other nude games in the future.
NET: http://tennisinthebuff.com

THERE’S SEX AFTER MARRIAGE?
In her new book “Sex & the Married Girl”, former “Cosmo” editor Mandi Norwood says married women might not discuss it as much as their single friends, but they’re apparently having far better sex. Why? Married women are more confident with their partners and are not too shy to tell them exactly what they want. It seems married women are less inhibited after ‘years of practice’ and more likely to ‘call the shots in bed’. (As in, “Don’t touch me, you creep!”)

THE PRICE OF HANKY PANKY:
“Men’s Health” magazine estimates the average cheating husband spends $25,664 running around on his wife over a 4-month period. How can fooling around cost so much? Motel bills, secret lunches, flowers, and sexy lingerie all add up! Then there’s the cost of a new pair of diamond earrings to keep your wife from getting suspicious – $4500! (Not to mention legal fees when she sues your ass for divorce.)

DRIVING TO DISTRACTION:
A team of behavioral experts has compiled a list of the most dangerous music to drive to. By playing various tunes to motorists while they drove and measuring concentration, they’ve concluded that rap is most likely to cause drivers to speed and cause accidents. A close
2nd is classical music, because it induces a ‘dream-like state’ in drivers. People who listen to rock and pop demonstrated some of the highest levels of concentration. (“[Your station] … more music, fewer fatalities.”)

HANDSOME DEVILS:
A new psychology study from Norway’s University of Oslo finds that good-looking criminals are more likely to get lighter sentences than average-looking crooks – even if there’s only a written description of their appearance. Survey respondents recommended much milder punishment when a man was described as ‘handsome’ or a woman ‘pretty’ than when those words were left out. (For real-life verification, see Robert Downey Jr.)

OUR 2ND-BIGGEST RELIGION – NONE:
A final report from the 2001 Canadian census shows that the top 5 religious denominations are Roman Catholic, ‘None’, United, Anglican, and Muslim. (Wait a sec … where’s ‘hockey’?)

IT’S A WACKED WORLD:
• A 23-year-old taxi driver in Bangkok, Thailand is cleaning up ever since he equipped his cab with a – karaoke system. He says many passengers just ask him to drive around awhile so they can sing along – especially if they’ve just left a bar. While his passengers only pay regular fares, he’s noticed that tips have risen dramatically. (Yeah, they tip him to shut up.)
• Judges have ordered a 17-year-old from Ulverston, England to pay $160 to a local police officer for ‘mental anguish’. His crime? He called the cop – ‘fat’.
• A Melbourne, Australia man has been fined for talking on his cell phone while driving … a 19th-century horse-drawn carriage … at 4 mph … while giving a sight-seeing tour. Dean Crichton says he’ll fight the ludicrous charge because his actions posed no safety risk. He claims the horses have done the tour so often, they could drive themselves.
• Spanish politician Francisco Garrido of Granada is promising that, if elected, he’ll subsidize hotel rooms for young lovers. His platform includes ‘sex vouchers’ for couples under 25, allowing them to stay at local inns for half-price. He says it’ll keep kids from sneaking out to lovers’ lanes. (As a dumb political promise, it beats the hell out of ‘a chicken in every pot’!)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• You’ll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime.
• A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.
• Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
Source: “Strange But True”

THE BULL SHEET 05.14.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [59] George Lucas, Modesto CA, really rich filmmaker (“Star Wars” series, “Indiana Jones” series)

1952 [51] David Byrne, Dunbartin SCOT, classic rock singer (Talking Heads-“Burning Down the House”)/composer (Oscar-“The Last Emperor”)

1969 [34] Cate Blanchett, Melbourne AUS, movie actress (‘Galadriel‘-“Lord of the Rings” trilogy, “The Shipping News”, “Bandits”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY through May 25 the glitzy 56th annual “Cannes Film Festival” reels on the French Riviera. Actress Meg Ryan & director Steven Soderbergh lead the 9-member adjudicating jury for the prestigious Palme d’Or grand prize. TONIGHT’s opening film is the French-language feature, “Fanfan La Tulipe”, starring Vincent Perez & Penelope Cruz. TOMORROW the festival hosts the so-called ‘world premiere’ of “Matrix Reloaded” (though many will already have seen it).
NET: http://www.festival-cannes.fr

TODAY is “International Receptionist Day”, celebrated annually on the 2nd Wednesday in MAY. It’s a day to do something special for your facility’s front-line greeters. Send them a bouquet of flowers, sign a thank-you card, or have a ‘Receptionist’s Reception’.

TODAY is “International Online Romance Day”, a day to fall in love in a chat room. (With who knows what.)

TODAY is “National Dance Like A Chicken Day”. Everybody now – “Dadda dadda dadda dah, dadda dadda dadda dah, dah dah dah dah …”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1874 [129] 1st ‘admission charge’ and 1st ‘goal posts’ used in a football game (Harvard University beats Montréal’s McGill University 3-0)

1904 [99] 1st time Canada competes in Olympics and Montréal policeman Etienne Desmarteau wins the hammer throw for Canada’s 1st Olympic medal (St Louis MO)

1973 [30] 1st ‘space station’ launched (‘Skylab’)

1993 [10] 1st pro sports team to wear ‘designer uniforms’ (NBA’s Charlotte Hornets [now in New Orleans] don a stylish ensemble of a sleeveless pinstriped teal shirt and breezy pleated shorts by Alexander Julian)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1991 [12] World’s largest burrito weighs in at 1,126 lbs (later causes a reaction measuring 6.3 on the Richter scale)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Total Lunar Eclipse (beginning at 11:13pm EDT)
[Fri] 30th Daytime Emmy Awards
[Sat] Pack Rat Day
[Sat] US Armed Forces Day
[Sun] I Am An American Day
[Sun] International Museum Day
[Mon] Victoria Day (no BS service)
This Week Is . . . Gamblers Week  / Police Week
This Month Is . . . Asparagus Month / Clean Air Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – Your family may try to have you committed today. Fortunately, you and your large invisible friend will be able to simply shrug it off.
• Taurus – Today you will laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
• Gemini – Beware of Doug.
• Cancer – Before today’s job interview, eat a bunch of Oreos and then smile a lot. That way they’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, not your résumé.
• Leo – The woman next door has been admiring your cutlery for long enough, so give it to her.
• Virgo – You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece which you will name the ‘Nighty Knight’. You should be ashamed of yourself.
• Libra – If you’re moving anything today, it’s best to use an underhand lob.
• Scorpio – Your blind date will spontaneously combust. Don’t take it as any kind of meaningful sign.
• Sagittarius – Today you will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself but not the other. This will aggravate you and you’ll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror trying to correct the situation.
• Capricorn – Your moon has left the 3rd house in favor of a freehold condominium with less maintenance.
• Aquarius – Today’s a great day to seek out new challenges. Why not attempt to convince [sportscaster] to try a daily shower?
• Pisces – You are a slow learner. Today you will master the doorknob.

BS PATENTED QUICK PICK TRIVIA:
• Happy birthday, George Lucas! What’s his lowest-grossing “Star Wars” film to date?
a. “The Phantom Menace”
b. “The Empire Strikes Back” [CORRECT]
c. “Attack of the Clones”

• Coprastasophobia is a fear of what?
a. Livestock.
b. Constipation. [CORRECT]
c. Being surrounded by 10 inmates while 2 guards can be heard laughing in the distance.

• Which of these bummed-out groups has the highest suicide rate, at 16%?
a. The elderly. [CORRECT]
b. Teenagers.
c. Married men with live-in au pairs.

• What’s the going rate for a dog license in China?
a. 27 cents.
b. $3,000 [CORRECT]
c. Two children and a panda paw.

• According to a recent online survey, what percentage of men regularly shave off all their pubic hair?
a. .000000001%
b. 10% [CORRECT]
c. When it comes to ugly back hair, not enough!
Source: Adapted from “Maxim”.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• It’s been a wet week. The rain in Spain was mainly … here!
• Who does your hair … Vidal Monsoon?
• Warning! The program normally heard at his time is not normally normal.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to medical research, one-fifth of pregnant women sometimes crave THIS.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Dirt.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.