Thursday, May 30, 2002 Edition: #2308
There’s Nothing Like a Bull in Your Radio Shop!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Newlywed stupormodel Claudia Schiffer has been warned that her new English country estate may be haunted (food was found in the fridge!) . . . 27-year-old Aussie one-hit-wonder Natalie Imbruglia (“Torn”) has been signed as the new face of L’Oreal cosmetics, once Claudia Schiffer’s gig . . . Rumor has it Natalie Portman has agreed to film new scenes for “Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi” to be inserted into the DVD release (if and when it ever comes out) . . . Mick Jagger’s lawyer is attempting to block publication of Jagger’s former chauffeur Keith Badgery’s memoir, “Baby You Can Drive My Car” (why’d he name it after a Beatles tune?), and is denying the book’s contention that the Mick had sexual relations with model Sophie Dahl in the back seat of his limo (get it right — it was on the roof for Pete’s sake!) . . . Paul McCartney’s just-opened art exhibition in Liverpool includes a painting depicting David Bowie throwing up, appropriately called — “Bowie Spewing” . . . Producers of the trashy reality show “The Bachelor” say they’re looking for someone totally different from Ivy League management consultant Alex Michel who starred in the first series – a beer-drinking guy with a regular job who like sports (yeah, that’ll be a real catch for the aspiring bachelorettes — a guy with a beer gut who farts on the couch) . . . And buzz is Britney Spears’ parents, Jamie & Lynne, are divorcing after a 30-year marriage – he moving out of the Kentwood, Louisiana mansion that Brit’ bought and returning to their previous family home (seems this is a case of like daughter, like mom).
MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Annette Bening has finalized a deal to star opposite Kevin Costner in the upcoming Western “Open Range”, which begins filming in Calgary NEXT MONTH . . . Chris Tucker has emerged as the latest contender to star in the long-in-development remake of “The Pink Panther” as the bumbling ‘Inspector Clouseau’ (now that would be a piece of truly weird casting!) . . . Meg Ryan is tossing her hat into the ring to play female boxing manager Jackie Kallen in “Against the Ropes”, a drama based on the real-life manager, publicist and entertainment writer . . . Style maven Martha Stewart will be the subject of a made-for-TV movie based on Christopher Byron’s current best-selling bio, “Martha Inc: The Incredible Story of Martha Stewart Omnimedia” (is this a GOOD thing?).
BUTT OUT IN BRANDON:
THIS WEEK Brandon, Manitoba city council passed what may be the toughest anti-smoking bylaw in North America. Effective SEPTEMBER 1, smoking will be banned in ALL public
buildings, including restaurants, bars, pool halls – you name it. Other cities have that kind of bylaw but this one also applies to the SIDEWALK SPACE OUTSIDE and the public area of any business, even if it’s home-based. (Does this mean Brandonians . . . Brandonites? . . . won’t get to see a huddle of puffing patients still hooked up to their IVs outside the hospital?)
WARM WARNING:
Here’s another warning of global warming, this time from the Inuit of Canada’s Far North. Elders and hunters say they are disturbed by signs of environmental changes — deformed fish, caribou with bad livers, and baby seals left by their mothers to starve. An even more graphic sign something’s amiss — a robin appeared where no robin had been seen before. There isn’t even a word for ‘robin’ in Inuktitut, the Inuit language. (Another bad sign – there’s a guy up there who really CAN sell refrigerators.)
FOR THE RECORD:
A healthy 3-month-old girl in Florence, Italy who weighed only 285 grams (just under 10 ounces) has gone home from the hospital. Her doctors believe she is the tiniest human being on record to live so long, and predict the ‘miracle baby’ has nearly a 100% chance of a normal life. (The parents are thrilled, except for the annoyance of using a band-aid and tweezers for diaper changes.)
SORRY I WON:
Since 1956, a number of countries in Europe and beyond have participated in the “Eurovision Song Contest”, an annual musical competition to find the song of the year. Tradition has it that the winner’s country gets to host the following year’s contest. That’s why this year’s winner, Marie N of Latvia is apologizing for her victory — Latvia has nowhere to stage such a large event. The best the tiny country can manage is a 2000-seat basketball hall more than 150 miles from the capital, Riga. 21-year-old Marie says, “I feel so sorry after winning the competition.”
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A Belgian company has developed a vibrator — for swine. Apparently the idea is to make artificial insemination an easier and more pleasant experience for sows. (A pig with a vibrator – go figure.)
• Thailand’s (and likely the world’s) first ‘insect fast-food chain’ has opened up to booming business. The 31-outlet ‘Insects Inter’ chain features an extensive menu of crispy crickets and gooey grasshoppers, as well as other insects and worms. A yummy 1-ounce cup of crunchy crawlers runs about 30 baht, or around 70 cents. (The official caterers to “Fear Factor”.)
• “Jurassic Park” may be just around the corner! Scientists at the Australian Museum in Sydney have announced they’re getting closer to cloning the extinct Tasmanian tiger by replicating DNA from a pickled female in its collection. The new cell will be implanted into the womb of a host animal, which should hypothetically give birth to a Tasmanian tiger. (The researchers have thereby confirmed the old axiom that it’s easier to implant a womb if you get the female pickled first.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.30.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [56] Don Ferguson, Montreal QC, radio/TV comic (the ‘youngster’-“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)
1964 [38] Wynonna [Judd] (Christina Ciminella), Ashland KY, country singer (Grammy Awards with mother Naomi as The Judds for “Mama He’s Crazy”, “Why Not Me”, “Grandpa [Tell Me ’Bout the Good Old Days]”, “Give a Little Love”, “Love Can Build a Bridge”)/sister of actress Ashley Judd FACTOID: Took her name from the town of Wynona OK
1964 [38] Tom Morello, NYC, rock guitarist, (Rage Against The Machine-“Sleep Now in the Fire”, “Guerrilla Radio”) FACTOID: Graduated from Harvard with honors degree in Political Science
1971 [31] Patrick Dahlheimer, York PA, rock bassist (Live-“Lightning Crashes”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Joan of Arc Feast Day” in France, honoring the ‘Maid of Orleans’ who was condemned as a heretic and burned at the stake at age 19 in 1431 (to celebrate, burn a steak on the grill!).
ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [05] Former all-star Montréal Canadiens goalie Ken Dryden becomes president of Toronto Maple Leafs (how’s his report card lookin’ so far?)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889 [113] 1st ‘brassiere’ invented (next day, the 1st teen boy has trouble opening the clasp)
1896 [106] 1st ‘auto accident’ as motorist Henry Wells of Springfield MA hits bicyclist Evelyn Thomas on a NYC street, breaking her leg (she’s immediately contacted by 1st ‘personal injury attorney’)
1911 [91] 1st “Indianapolis 500″ race, won by Ray Harroun in 6 hrs, 42 mins averaging 74.59 mph (he wins $14,000)
1981 [21] ‘Compact Disc’ (CD) 1st introduced (next day, 1st consumer pitches a fit trying to open the shrinkwrap)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] World Cup begins (South Korea/Japan)
[Fri] National Macaroon Day
[Sun] 56th Tony Awards
[Mon] Queen Elizabeth II’s Golden Jubilee Celebration
Breathe Easier Month
International Business Image Improvement Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF GAMBLING REVEALS ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY:
• Bingo — You are a very sociable, orderly and predictable person. You also may be religious and fun-loving.
• Keno — You are positive, optimistic and hopeful. You have a playful quality that amuses your friends.
• Lotteries — You are civic-minded and like to help out worthy causes. You feel that as long as you’re going to take a chance in life, some of the money should go to help others.
• Horse Racing — You enjoy the excitement of crowds, and you’re enthusiastic and competitive. You like to do new things and meet new people. You trust your own instincts and often act on your hunches.
• Slot Machines — You are a determined person. You know what you want in life and have the ability to stick to it and not let setbacks deter you from your goal.
• Card Games — If you like poker and blackjack you are basically honest but you can hide your
feelings when you need to. You’re very tactful and extremely intuitive.
WEB GOODIE:
Here’s a Website that turns all common junk mail into snappy tunes. Whether its unsolicited ads for fake Viagra, hair replacement, plastic surgery, becoming a legally ordained priest, or just an offer to see naked people, Spam Radio serves up a new ‘playlist’ every day. It’s been nominated for a “Webby Award”, in the ‘Weird Web Site’ category.
NET: http://Spamradio.com
BS ‘RADIO FEAR FACTOR’:
Get your street guy/girl to go out and record stunts with people on the street. Bring ‘em back and edit them down so you have an opening interview leading up to the beginning of the stunt. Now ask a phone contestant to guess whether or not the pigeon will actually do it. Then play back the result. Some stunt ideas –
• Ask someone walking a dog to make it bark (or pee) within 5 seconds.
• Ask a young guy if he’ll moon the traffic at a busy intersection for 20 bucks.
• Go into a McDonald’s playland and ask a grandmother to slide down the slide.
• First thing in the morning hand someone a garlic sandwich and ask them to eat it.
BS ‘RADIO JEOPARDY’:
Just like on TV, contestants must answer in the form of a question. When they can’t, you give ‘em the zinger. Here’s today’s fake categories which have nothing to do with anything other than mayhem —
• “Noises Dad Makes”
• “Things You Shouldn’t Do With Farm Animals”
• “Late Nights With A Cadaver”
• “What’s That Rash?”
A: The answer is – The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: The correct question is — What’s the difference between the Panama Canal and Britney Spears?
A: Moosehead.
Q: What’s a great beer and a new experience for a moose?
A: The label says ‘Good for up to 20 pounds’.
Q: Why does [your co-host] only change the baby’s diaper once a month?
A: The cops have nothing to go on.
Q: What happens if the police station toilet is stolen?
A: The job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What’s the difference between a new job and a new wife?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do most NHL players drive a BMW?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What’s the difference between a mother-in-law and a terrorist?
A: A poor student and the boss’s wife.
Q: Describe two people who like to cheat.
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only had 10,000 men.
Q: What is the difference between the Grand Old Duke of York and Anna Nicole Smith?
A: Gung ho!
Q: What do you say when you want to get your gung to stop?
A: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Q: What are ham and eggs?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a wife with PMS?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Almost two-thirds of females said it’s okay to do this on a first date.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Pass gas.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
