Monday, May 27, 2002 Edition: #2305
Somebody’s got to clean the control room! I mean it! The plants growing in here aren’t even in pots!
BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Here’s the week’s top news according to “Weekly World News” – “Fake Meat: It Tastes Just Like Chicken But It’s Fungus!”, “Miracle Girl Cries Crystal Tears!”, “Second Great Depression in July!”, “Congressional Plot to Ban Toilet Paper!” and “Amazing New Gadget Lets You Live Forever!” (wow, who woulda thought the secret of eternal youth would be available on the Home Shopping Network?).
• Who’s the sexiest woman in the world? “FHM” magazine’s new list of ‘100 Sexiest Women’ as picked by a readers’ poll puts Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova on top. (Nice legs, shame about her face.)
• Ben Affleck tells “NY Post” that getting too caught up in what other people thought of him and the pressure to become Hollywood’s ‘next big thing’ led to his problems with alcohol. (His “Sum of All Fears” thriller opens this FRIDAY.)
• “National Enquirer” reports the upcoming “Matrix” sequel has been plagued with off-set disasters. Star Keanu Reeves had a bad motorcycle accident that injured his knee, his girlfriend Jennifer Syme had a stillborn baby and then died in an a car crash. Aaliyah, who was to have a major role in the movie, was killed in a plane crash and Gloria Foster, who played the ‘Oracle’ in the first film, died in OCTOBER. Despite all that, filming on the $150-million sequel has just finished shooting in Australia and “Matrix Reloaded” is scheduled for a summer release.
• British actress Olivia Williams (“The Sixth Sense”) tells “The Mail on Sunday” she’s fed up with American actresses from Hollywood coming to England and taking all the best stage parts in London’s West End. Recently both Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow have opened new productions. “I am determined to show everyone that we can do just as well, if not better,” says Williams. (After which the interviewer asked, “What was your name again?”)
• “Page Six.com” says Claudia Schiffer was actually booed at her weekend wedding to film producer Matthew Vaughn in England. Seems fans were frustrated when the stupormodel emerged from the church — totally covered in blankets! The elaborate cover-up was to ensure that neither admirers nor the media caught any peek at her ivory silk Valentino gown. (Otherwise how can you sell the rights to photos?)
• Rumors of romance between Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock got a boost over the weekend.
“Daily Dish” says the duo were all flirtatious at a press conference in Cannes to promote their new romantic comedy “Two Weeks Notice”. Grant told reporters Sandra’s in love with him, but he’s just in it for the sex. (Just grateful not having to pay for once?)
• “E! Online” notes that CBS-TV curmudgeon Andy Rooney gave his 800th commentary on “60 Minutes” LAST NIGHT. He joined the show in 1978. (And has asked the question “You know what bothers me?” 4,289 times since.)
• And “Buzz” reports 13-year-old Andrew Benson of Yakima WA beat 51,000-to-1 odds by twisting the cap off a Pepsi and winning 4 tickets to a Britney Spears concert. He promptly called the toll-free number on the cap and asked to trade the tickets for cash — $475. (What an exhibition of good taste!)
STYLE STATEMENTS:
• Britney Spears’ navel-baring shirts have made ‘inny’ navels all the rage. But what if you have an ‘outty’? Now you can have that terrible problem fixed thanks to a cosmetic surgery called ‘umbilicoplasty’. Price to go from outty to inny? About $2,500.
• John Migliaccio, author of “77 Truths About Marketing to the 50-Plus Consumer”, says the next big thing for Baby Boomers will be the ‘turbo trimmer’, a newfangled device for clipping overabundant nose hair. (Said to be much easier on the nostril than a Weed Whacker.)
• Both Prada and Calvin Klein are now making men’s sweaters with necklines that dip to the navel. Why would you wanna take the plunge? Fashion experts say ‘male cleavage’ is IN right now. (Unless you’re boobs are bigger than your wife’s.)
WEIRD SCIENCE:
• North Dakota State University researcher Sam Chang is a specialist in ‘flatulence science’. He’s looking for ways to break down the ‘flatulence sugars’ in beans before they create an ‘audible side effect’. His life’s mission — to improve the ‘social-behavior status’ of beans. (Yeah, but on his income tax form he’s just listed as a ‘Fart Stopper’.)
• Scientists at the Rowland Institute for Science in Massachusetts have not only taught koi carp to distinguish between classical music and the blues, but to recognize the different styles of bluesmen Muddy Waters and Sonny Boy Williamson. Lead researcher Ava Chase says prior to these experiments, there was skepticism about whether carp could discriminate one piece of music from another. (His next government-funded project is to determine if Atlantic Salmon can distinguish a 3-wood from a pitching wedge.)
WHY THERE ARE WAL-MART GREETERS:
A Canadian federal government survey shows that fully 75% of those approaching retirement age would rather do part-time work than quit completely. (This explains the biannual Rolling Stones tour.)
IT’S MINE, ALL MINE:
A research study shows that, if you’re leaving a parking space and someone is waiting to take that space, you actually take LONGER to vacate the spot — on purpose. Scientists say it’s because we’re territorial. (Actually it’s because you don’t want anyone to witness you clipping the Bimmer parked beside you.)
HEY, BUTT BREATH!
Everyone knows that dogs have bad breath after a long day of kissing butt. Now there’s relief for furry friends with halitosis — new ‘Yip Yap’ breath mints for dogs! They feature natural freshening agents like rosemary, parsley and green tea, and also contain liver and look like little bones so your dog will eat them. (If you don’t want your house destroyed, never give your dog an Altoid!)
BEWARE OF FALLING NUTS:
Shark expert George Burgess of the Florida Museum of Natural History says the public perception that unprovoked shark attacks are increasing is wrong. Stats show there were 76 unprovoked attacks last summer worldwide, compared to 86 in the summer of 2000. In fact, falling coconuts kill 15 times the number of people sharks do — about 150 people a year. But lest you feel too safe, Burgess goes on to note that most people who have swum in the ocean have been within 15 feet of a shark without knowing it. (This alarming statistic is based on a daily study of “Sherman’s Lagoon”.)
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST SURFER:
THIS WEEK the Bible Society of Australia begins marketing 10,000 copies of its new “Surfers Bible”. In an attempt to make the 5-buck bible attractive to surfers, a color photo of a barreling wave is featured on the cover. And let us all turn to the introduction as we quote – “God’s blessings are far beyond the best eccy, heaviest head-spinning cone, sweetest scoobie, almighty pissed rage, or biggest barrel you’ve ever had.” (As St Peter once said, “Bitchin’, dude!”)
THE BULL SHEET 05.27.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [66] Louis Gossett Jr, Brooklyn NY, film actor (Oscar-“An Officer & a Gentleman”, Emmy-“Roots”)
1945 [57] Bruce Cockburn, Pembroke ON, pop/folk singer (“Lovers in a Dangerous Time”, “Rumours of Glory”)
1955 [47] Richard Schiff, Bethesda MD, TV actor (2000 Emmy Award for Communications Director Toby Ziegler-“The West Wing”)
1961 [41] Peri Gilpin, Waco TX, TV actress (Roz Doyle-“Frasier”, since 1993)
1971 [D-April 25, 2002] Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes, Philadelphia PA, pop singer (TLC-“No Scrubs”, “Waterfalls”) killed in a car accident in Honduras
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] “Memorial Day”
TONIGHT the “Stratford Festival” of Shakespearean theater opens its 50th season in Stratford ON. Two plays are being featured that launched the original festival in a tent back in 1953 — TONIGHT’S opening production is “All’s Well That Ends Well”, and “Richard III” is coming in July. To celebrate the anniversary, famous alumni like Christopher Plummer and Colm Feore are returning to the festival stage this summer.
TODAY, the last Monday in May, is “Memorial Day” in America, a day of remembrance for those who have died in the nation’s service. It was originally called “Decoration Day” 131 years ago TODAY (1868) when General John Logan declared a day to decorate Civil War soldiers’ graves with flowers at Gettysburg PA. (Nowadays its more often observed as ‘Beach Day’ or BBQ Day’.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1919 [83] 1st ‘pop-up toaster’ (the next day the 1st kid begins existing on a diet of ‘Pop Tarts’)
1930 [72] 1st ‘masking tape’ (the next day the 1st geek uses it to repair his eyeglasses)
1968 [34] Major League Baseball awards a new franchise to Montréal Expos to begin playing in the National League in 1969 (and it looks as if they’re going to give it up without a fight)
1997 [05] 1st ‘all female team’ (20 British women) to reach the North Pole
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1790 [212] ‘Laziest man in history’ retires to his bed (Jeremiah Carlton of England is 19 and the heir to a large fortune when he climbs into the sack thinking he’ll never need to work again, so he stays there until he dies — 70 years later!)
1884 [118] 22-inch-tall ‘General Mite’ marries 19.5-inch Millie Edwards
1961 [41] 1st ‘black light’ sold in novelty shop (the kind that make your white shirt glow)
1994 [08] Highest temperature ever produced in a lab (920 million degrees F at Princeton University)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone” released on VHS/DVD
[Tues] Canada’s Walk of Fame enshrinement gala
[Wed] Senior Health & Fitness Day
[Fri] World Cup finals begin (S Korea/Japan)
[Fri] National Macaroon Day
[Sun] 56th Tony Awards
Clean Air Month
Haitian Heritage Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘DOUBLE-O GAME’:
Each word of the 2-word answers to the following begins with the letter ‘O’ –
• In the cartoons, she was ‘Popeye’s’ girlfriend. (‘Olive Oyl’)
• It’s the place where both Dubya and ‘Jed Bartlet’ work. (Oval Office)
• It’s the organization Irish Protestants belong to who stage marches. (Order of Orangemen)
• It’s the 2 basic functions of a light switch. (On/Off)
• It’s Canada’s capital city. (Ottawa, Ontario)
• It’s a wrinkle cream used by women. (Oil of Olay)
WEB GOODIE:
You can sound smarter than you really are with this online ‘Olde Proverb Assembly Line’. Just fill in a subject and what you think about it and — bingo! — out comes an instant proverb that makes you sound really deep and provocative. After all, ‘Radio is as common as tall grass on a busy highway’, and ‘Variety is better than a combed head’, so why ‘Avoid web sites and hungry flies’?
NET: http://gorm.com/factory/assembly.htm
BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: You’re in Canada’s Far North and are served a delicious concoction of melted caribou fat seasoned with ground caribou meat and wild berries. What are you having?
a) Ice cream.
b) One-pot stew.
c) Indigestion.
A: Inuit ice cream.
Q: What did Ancient Egyptians do to mourn the deaths of their cats?
a) Shaved their eyebrows.
b) Shaved their beards.
c) Shaved their armpits.
A: They shaved off their eyebrows.
Q: What’s the smallest bone in your body?
a) The anvil.
b) The stirrup.
c) Depends if you are male or female.
A: The tiniest bone in your body is the stirrup bone in your inner ear. It’s only about one-tenth of an inch long, making it smaller than an ant!
Q: What do you call a female rabbit?
a) A cow.
b) A doe.
c) Horny.
A: A ‘doe’. A male is a ‘buck’ and a baby bunny is a ‘kit’ or ‘kitten’.
Q: A recent study finds the average household uses 15,400 of these every year.
a) Gallons of water.
b) Kilowatt hours of electricity.
c) Sheets of bathroom tissue.
A: It’s a bum wrap, man. Sheets of TP — bathroom tissue.
Q: An angry gorilla does this to show anger while a native of Tibet does it to show respect.
a) Places finger in ear.
b) Sticks out tongue.
c) Humps your leg.
A: They stick out their tongues.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Even though it might make us more popular, 29% of us still totally ignore these.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: RSVPs on invitations.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Behind every successful woman is — herself.
WELCOME NEW BS-ERS:
Kate Post @ FROGGY 107.1 Queensbury NY and Clint Kulovits @ YL COUNTRY Peace River AB. Salut!
