Tuesday, May 21, 2002 Edition: #2301
Out-prepare, out-think, out-create, out-promote, out-produce . . . outlast!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
As of TODAY, all 3 of the top console video game-makers have slashed prices, Nintendo’s GameCube the latest, knocking $50 off its MFSRP, joining the 100-buck reductions for the Sony PlayStation 2 and Microsoft Xbox (wow, now you only have to save up for 3 years to get one!) . . . TONIGHT the 37th annual “Academy of Country Music Awards” will be handed out in LA with Travis Tritt leading nominations with 9, followed by Brooks & Dunn, Toby Keith, and Tim McGraw with 8 apiece . . . Does this sound like stimulating TV? The “World Poker Tour” is coming to the small screen with about a dozen upscale international poker tournaments, most offering prize money over $1 million (try a little play-by-play — complete with slo-mo replays) . . . And word has it that a new movie called “Wolfed” to be made by Michael Jackson’s production company will feature a werewolf – played by the boss (hmmm, sounds like “Thriller 2″).
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Nothing. Nada. Nix. Nil. Could it be they think we’re all in theaters watching “Star Wars” and “Spider-Man” or something?
WOMEN VS MEN:
A Canadian driving study finds that female drivers normally drive better and are more polite behind the wheel than men. The most ‘aggressive, obnoxious and self-serving’ drivers are said to be 30-50 year-old males. (Now there’s an argument starter for ya.)
BUT WHERE’S THE ‘CARBON VALLEY’?
IBM researchers have created new technology to replace the silicon — in silicon chips. Within the next few years, the company expects silicon to be replaced with better-performing carbon nanotubes, molecules made from carbon atoms that are 50,000 times thinner than a human hair. (In [your co-host’s] case, that’s pretty thin.)
MANAGER PREDICTS SWITCH-HITTER:
Not that anyone asked but NY Mets manager Bobby Valentine tells the JUNE/JULY issue of “Details” magazine that Major League Baseball is “probably ready for an openly gay player” now that players are a diverse enough group to handle it.
MUSICIANS UNDERGO DE-TUX:
Britain’s oldest orchestra is ditching its ‘Victorian tails’, the standard formal attire for the Manchester-based Halle Orchestra since 1858. It’s an attempt to attract a wider audience says CEO John Summers who adds, “We did a lot of research and found potential audiences were most likely to be put off by the anachronistic formality of the penguin suits.” (Well exactly. Huh?)
THE CESSNA 500:
Over the weekend a confused pilot landed his private 4-seater on the Indianapolis Speedway, mistaking the race track for an airport runway. 66-year-old pilot Danny Legrant told police he was extremely embarrassed. (Not to mention extremely lucky it wasn’t — THIS weekend.)
LAW & DISORDER:
• YESTERDAY a British judge overturned the 6-month jail sentence given to a man for – stealing golf balls. John Collinson was sent to the slammer last month after being caught with over 1,100 golf balls dug up from the bottom of a lake at the Whetstone Golf Club. The judge ruled the punishment was disproportionate to the crime and gave him a 2-year conditional discharge. (Geez, if this is illegal there’s going to be a lot of 10-year-old entrepreneurs doing time!)
• A 17-month undercover investigation by the Manhattan DA’s Office has led to 5 companies being indicted for manufacturing counterfeit versions of Viagra and selling it on the Internet. Asked if the bogus Viagra worked, Manhattan DA Robert Morgenthau said (and this is no BS), “It’s hard to tell.” (Guess that would be a ‘yes’ then.)
• When police were summoned by a silent burglar alarm at a clothing store in Vegevano, Italy they found a pried-open service door. After a thorough search of the premises turned up nothing, a sharp-eyed officer spotted a suspect standing in the display window — impersonating a mannequin. (The wet stain on his pants gave him away.)
BOOB BLOW-UP:
Foundation garment-maker Gossard has developed a bra that women can pump up to boost their boobs by at least 2 sizes. The ‘Ultrabra Airotic’ bra is being touted as a safe alternative to
cosmetic surgery and an option for women who don’t want to have huge breasts through the day but want them in the evening. It’s cheaper than implants, too — about $50, including the separate pump that fits in your handbag. (“Mommy, what’s this in your purse?”)
BEST TIME FOR Zs:
Sleep researchers quoted in “Ladies’ Home Journal” say the best time to go to sleep is between 10pm and midnight due to natural body rhythms and when most people feel tired. But what’s really best is to go to bed at the same time every night, because the brain gets programmed to sleep at certain times. (Since I’ve been doing the morning show, I’ve found the best time to sleep is – whenever you freakin’ can!)
ANOTHER G-8, ANOTHER PROTEST:
The next meeting of the G-8 leaders of industrialized nations is coming up JUNE 26-27 in Calgary and Alberta’s Kananaskis country. As well as high-profile rock star lobbyists Bono and Bob Geldof, protesters who’ve already announced they’ll be showing up include –
• ‘The G-8 Bike Brigade’ — dozens of cyclists from Saskatoon, Edmonton and Vancouver who will spend days riding to Calgary to advocate eradicating Third World debt, improving the environment and worldwide human rights.
• ‘The Revolutionary Knitting Circle’ — a self-described ‘loosely knit group’ who plan to protest with a ‘global knit-in’ and by flying knitted banners with the group’s logo — a ball of wool with a lit fuse.
• ‘The Raging Grannies’ — a politically-active seniors group from across Western Canada who will sing biting satirical songs at protests.
• ‘The G-8 Prayer Summit’ – churches around-the-world will use teleconferencing to pray en masse for police, activists and G-8 leaders. (If it helps you win a million on ”Survivor”, who knows, maybe prayer will work here, too!)
ASK A STUPID QUESTION AND —
• “What are the qualities that make a man a man?” “Glamour” magazine reports that 95% of males polled say being a man means enjoying a look at attractive women. A majority also believe that a man should have a strong sex drive, be interested in sports, and concerned about personal appearance. (And be able to chug a beer in less than 14 seconds.)
• “Why do men change TV channels so often?” A “Marie Claire” survey finds that 29% are ‘afraid they’re missing a better program’. 26% are ‘bored with what they’re watching’. And about 14% are actually ‘watching more than one show’ at a time. (The rest do it ‘because they are master of the remote control and therefore can’.)
• “What’s the sexiest thing a woman can wear?” A “Men’s Health” poll finds ‘sexy lingerie’ topping the list, followed by ‘my shirt’, and ‘high heels with a summer dress’. Also cited — ‘an apron with nothing else’, ‘a man’s tie’, and ‘brand-new white athletic socks’. (Actually most guys would tell you the answer is ‘nothing’.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
On weekends, the average round of golf in Canada takes 4 hours, 25 minutes to play. On a weekday, it speeds up to 4 hours, 8 minutes. (Fewer duffers with no shirts sucking back beer?)
THE BULL SHEET 05.21.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [61] Bobby Cox, Tulsa OK, MLB baseball manager (Atlanta Braves 1978-81 and 1990-present)
1952 [50] Dave Wannstedt, Pittsburgh PA, NFL head coach (Miami Dolphins)
1974 [28] Fairuza Balk, Point Reyes CA, movie actress (“Almost Famous”, “The Waterboy”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Wait Staff Day” (wouldn’t “Food Servers Day” be better?), set aside for restaurant managers and patrons to show appreciation for the efforts of servers.
PHONE STARTERS:
• “What percentage is the proper tip these days?”
• “Why should restaurant owners get away with paying minimum wages and expect customers to supplement servers’ incomes?”
• “Are there occasions when you don’t tip?”
• “What other occupations deserve tips?”
TODAY is “National Clergy Day”. (The next “Star Wars” movie – “Episode III: Attack of the Clergy”.)
TODAY is “National Memo Day”, a day for office workers who are tired of memos from bosses’ to post their own. The ultimate act is to post a memo complaining about too many memos.
TODAY in Macedonia, Greece is the annual “Anastenaria Firewalking Festival”, highlighted by barefoot dancing on hot coals. (Mmm, barbecued toe!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1956 [46] 1st airborne ‘hydrogen bomb’ is detonated at Bikini Atoll in the Pacific (not long afterward, the 1st ‘bikini’ bathing suit explodes onto the fashion scene)
1994 [08] World’s 1st ‘genetically-engineered tomatoes’ go on sale, priced at $2.79/lb!
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1995 [07] 582 canoes and kayaks are lashed together to set Guinness record for ‘largest free-floating raft’ (Cleveland OH)
1998 [04] Frank & Shirley Capaci of Streamwood IL announce they have the winning Powerball ticket worth an astounding $195 MILLION
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Rosie O’Donnell talk show finale
[Wed] Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
[Fri] National Escargot Day
[Sun] Indianapolis 500
Safe Boating Week
Philatelic Exhibition Month (can’t you get arrested for that?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SPRING GARDEN TIPS:
60% of North Americans have a lawn or garden. The majority of men do the mowing, weeding, fertilizing, pruning and mulching, but women are most likely to plant the flowers. Here’s a few timely pointers –
• Never plant seeds too close together — plants hate condo living.
• Always taste your compost to see if it’s done.
• Never cut your kid’s hair with a Weed Whacker.
• Don’t plan on calling AFTER you dig, because the phone won’t be working.
• Never get lawn seed and bird seed mixed up or you’ll have to mow your bird once a week.
BS SMALL FRY GAME:
What do you call the babies of the following animals?
bat (pup)
mackerel (spike)
giraffe (calf)
pigeon (squab)
gorilla (infant)
turkey (poult)
spiny anteater (puggle)
firefly (glow worm)
swan (cygnet)
mouse (pinky)
Source: “A Pinky is a Baby Mouse”
BS FACT OR CRAP?
Two of the following are facts, one is pure BS. But which one?
1. Before he became a movie star, Warren Beatty played restaurant dinner music on the piano.
2. Before he became a movie star, Mel Gibson was a circus magician. (BS)
3. Before he became a movie star, Michael Douglas got a degree in pre-law.
BS Q & A:
Q: Which is further south — the southernmost point of Canada, or the northern border of California?
A: California’s northern border follows the 42nd parallel of latitude. Pelee Island, Ontario is slightly south of that line.
Q: What now-common product originally came from a Mexican tree called the ‘sapodilla’ [sah-poh-DEE-yuh]?
A: Chewing gum. When Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna moved to Staten Island NY, he brought with him a large chunk of ‘chicle’, the dried sap from the tree, which became popular as the first chewing gum. It began selling in drug stores in 1871.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Are we healthier now? Apparently we do this 900% more than we did 30 years ago.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Eat broccoli.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Adults are just kids who owe money.
