Monday, May 20, 2002 Thanks to You, This is Edition #2300!
My other vehicle is a Galaxy Class Starship.
THE WEEK’S WEIRDEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “World’s Biggest Baby Charged With Murder!”
• “Wise Cracking Undertakers are Putting the Fun in Funerals!”
• “Gay Wrestler Can’t Find Any Opponents!”
• “Real-Life Spider-Man Found!”
• “Fire-Breathing Cat Foils Burglar!”
• “Phone Psychic’s Head Explodes!” (we can only wish)
Source: “Weekly World News”
OTHER BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” reports TONIGHT’S series finale of “Ally McBeal” will include the return of Vancouver actor Gill Bellows as ‘Ally’s’ former boytoy ‘Billy’, and also former cast members Courtney Thorne-Smith and Lisa Nicole Carson.
• “Star” magazine reports that Madonna is expecting again at age 43! The tab claims that friends confirm she’s already 4 months into another pregnancy.
• “PageSix.com” says Pierce Brosnan, who’s now shooting the ‘James Bond’ film “Die Another Day”, wants to stay in the ‘007′ role for a 5th film, despite the fact he just turned 49. Why? “It’s the women, the gadgets, the sex, the romance, the fantasy world, the ultimate hero,” he says. (Not to mention the money and the steady work every second year.)
• UK’s “Sun” tab says Ben Affleck will get ‘all leathered up’ for his next movie role as Marvel Comics’ superhero ‘Daredevil’, a man blinded as a boy by radioactive waste but now with more than enough superpowers to make up for it. Throughout the movie he’ll wear a sculpted leather bodysuit. (And sweat off about 80 lbs.)
• Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler is a ‘sex god’, Huey Lewis has the biggest you-know-what in rock, and Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong possesses the most minuscule, according to info the “NY Post” dug up at a groupie Website.
NET: http://groupiecentral.com
• Meantime Enrique Iglesias tells “Popworld” he’d consider posing nude for $50,000 but no less. “Once I was this close to doing it,” he says, “but I didn’t have the guts to pull my pants down. You know, there isn’t a lot to see.” (Thanks for sharing.)
• “Enquirer” claims Ozzy Osbourne has real estate agents looking for a bigger house for his suddenly famous family to move into, but he’s stipulated it has to be within walking distance of the Beverly Hills Hotel. Why, you might ask? Seems Ozzy can’t do without a dainty cup of tea at the hotel — he’s there every day. (Now there’s an image enhancement!)
• “Buzz” says ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass has had a minor heart operation to help him qualify to fly to the International Space Station. (Now he’s singing “It’s tearing up my heart to get to space . . .”)
• “Mirror” reports that a Sharon Stone look-alike will recreate ‘the scene’ from the movie “Basic Instinct” for a record store promotion in London TODAY. Actress Hazel Marani will mimic the infamous scene in which Stone uncrosses her legs during a police interrogation in the front window of Tower Records to promote the release of the “Basic Instinct 10th Anniversary Special Edition” DVD.
• Actress Renée Zellweger is nursing a sore butt after a friend’s Dalmatian bit it, reports “Sun”. Renée was apparently playing catch with the pooch but when she bent down to pick up the ball it nipped her tush. (Obviously a dog with good taste!)
• And if you believe “National Enquirer”, Julia Roberts has kicked out her lover Danny Moder after his family wrecked their wedding plans. The couple reportedly fought furiously after members of his family said they wouldn’t attend the nuptials planned for JUNE. And that, the tab claims, sent Julia into an absolute rage. (Try picking an unmarried guy next time.)
WHAT WOMEN WANT:
“Complete Woman” magazine polled women on the key to good sex. The top 5 results —
5. Timing
4. Variety
3. Technique
2. Communication
1. Commitment
(Funny, ‘staying awake’ wasn’t mentioned.)
UNDIE INJURY WARNING:
According to a new medical report, the simple task of undoing a bra can cause injuries — to inexperienced men. The respected “British Journal of Plastic Surgery” cites the case of a drunken fumble by a 27-year-old that ended in a painful hospital visit when he caught his middle finger in his date’s bra strap. It left him with a fracture and ligament damage — and in agony when he should have been in ecstasy. The report estimates that upwards of 40% of young males have such a poor understanding of the opening and closing of bras that they risk similar wounds.
MOMS VS DADS:
Purdue University research shows new mothers talk most about physical aspects of raising a child, while new fathers talk most about the cost. (“Look, she’s walking!” / “Dammit, now we gotta buy shoes!”)
FREE TIME:
A study by Statistics Canada finds Canadians over age 15 average 5.7 leisure hours per day, or 40 hours per week. While the biggest chunk of our time (44%) is spent on ‘personal care’ including eating and sleeping, the next largest portion (24%) is spent ‘goofing off’. (So quit complaining!)
DON’T SAY CHEESE:
Here’s the latest food fright from the paranoid people at the Washington DC-based ‘Center for Science in the Public Interest’ – pizza! The consumer group says just one slice of stuffed-crust pizza with meat contains as much fat and calories as a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder. And while most people wouldn’t eat a 2nd Quarter Pounder or Big Mac, many of us reach for a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th slice of pizza. (Simple solution — ask to have your pizza cut in just 2 pieces.)
THE GAME OF LIFE:
Wake up, it’s time for you to get up and put on those clothes you bought especially for work and drive through the traffic in that car you’re still making payments on, so you can get to that job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, the car, and the house that you leave empty all day so you can afford to live in it. And compared to a lot of people, you’re doing well!
AMAZING BS FACT:
Brewmasters say sunlight can make beer skunky. (Another reason to drink it quickly.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.20.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [56] Cher (Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPierre), El Centro CA, pop singer (“Believe”, Sonny & Cher-“I Got You Babe”) who says she’s retiring after a final upcoming tour/movie actress (Oscar-“Moonstruck“) NOTE: Some parts of her are turning 27
1949 [53] Dave Thomas, St Catharines ON, movie actor (“Rat Race” “Strange Brew”)/former TV actor (Bob & Doug MacKenzie-“SCTV”)
1963 [39] David Wells, Torrance CA, MLB pitcher (NY Yankees) who pitched the 13th ‘perfect game’ in modern major league history on May 17, 1998 vs Minnesota
1964 [38] Earl Charles Spencer, ENG, Princess Diana’s brother who charges money to view her gravesite
1972 [30] Busta Rhymes (Trevor Smith Jr), Brooklyn NY, hip-hop artist (w/P Diddy & Pharrell-“Pass The Courvoisier Part II”, w/Janet Jackson-“What’s It Gonna Be?!”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Victoria Day” on the “May Two-Four Weekend”, always the first Monday preceding May 25th, and commemorating the birth date of Queen Victoria on May 24, 1819. It’s only celebrated in Canada, originally in 1845 as a celebration of Canadian unity. The longest-reigning monarch in British history (1837-1901) married her 1st cousin Prince Albert in 1840 and had 9 children. Many Canadian placenames are derived from Victoria & Albert, including Victoria BC, Prince Albert SK, Victoria Island NT, Victoriaville QC, Alberton PEI, etc.
WHAT MAKES FIREWORKS COLORS:
• Yellow or Gold — sodium
• Green — barium
• Red — strontium
• White – magnesium
• Blue (the toughest and rarest) – copper arsenic, an extremely dangerous chemical
TODAY is “Weights & Measures Day”, in celebration of the 1875 treaty that established the International Bureau of Weights and Measures, thereby standardizing values. (That means you’re just as fat in New Guinea as you are at home.)
TODAY is “Eliza Doolittle Day”, a day named in honor of the lead character in the famous musical “My Fair Lady” to encourage the proper use of language. (Hey, that ain’t too bad an idea!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1874 [128] Levi Strauss 1st markets ‘blue jeans with copper rivets’ (priced @ $13.50 — per dozen!)
1892 [110] 1st practical ‘clothes dryer’ invented by George Sampson (the next day the first sock mysteriously disappears)
1927 [75] 1st non-stop solo Atlantic crossing in an airplane begins as Charles Lindbergh takes off in ‘Spirit of St Louis’ from Long Island NY to fly to Paris (it wins him a $25,000 prize)
1932 [70] 1st woman to fly solo across Atlantic (Amelia Earhart)
1980 [22] 1st Québec referendum on separation (59.5% vote ‘non’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Wait Staff Day
[Tues] National Memo Day
[Tues] 37th Academy of Country Music (ACM) Awards
[Wed] Rosie O’Donnell talk show finale
[Wed] Great American Grump Out
[Wed] Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
[Fri] Brothers Day
[Fri] Morning Radio Wise Guy Day
[Fri] National Escargot Day
[Sat] National Tap Dance Day
[Sun] Indianapolis 500
[Mon] Memorial Day (USA)
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Safe Boating Week
School Support Staff Week
Buckle-Up America Week
Backyard Games Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS RULES FOR GUYS:
• Any guy who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow party-goers.
• Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
• Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
• If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
• The maximum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
• Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However, you can gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
• No guy is ever required to buy a birthday present for another guy. In fact, even remembering a bud’s birthday is strictly optional.
• When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
BS Q & A:
Q: How many more years would Queen Elizabeth II have to reign to overtake Victoria as Britain’s longest-serving monarch?
A: Victoria ruled for 64 years, while QEII is celebrating 50 this year. So she’d have to stick around another 14 years — entirely possible considering her mom’s genes.
Q: Your body replaces this every 28 days.
A: The outer layer of skin, because humans shed continually.
(Source: Weird Fact of the Day)
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Can money buy love? How much would it cost for you to marry an ugly, old, mean person?”
• “What would you do if you had an hour, day or week with nothing to do and absolutely NO responsibilities?”
• “Isn’t it time we had a national law? Brazil passed its law making it illegal to use a cellular phone while driving — EIGHT YEARS AGO this week in 1994.”
BS FACT OR CRAP?
Two of the following are facts, one is pure BS. But which one?
1. Flamingos can live up to 80 years.
2. Flamingos are pink because their blood vessels are close to the surface. (BS. The pink color comes from pigments in their food.)
3. There are more plastic pink flamingos in North America than real ones.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you’re looking for this, 36% of you say the best place to get it is from a relative.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: A recipe.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
An honest politician is one who, once bought, stays bought.
WELCOME NEWBIES:
BS salutes new subscriber Al Balog @ 98.9 ZED-FM Ponoka AB, welcomes back to Dan Christopherson @ THE HOG 107.9 Sioux Falls SD, and welcomes aboard this week’s samplers, including Nikki St John @ WQQB Champaign IL, Chris Street @ KZEG Clinton IA, and Greg Milby @ WLVK Elizabethtown KY.
