Monday, May 6, 2002        Edition: #2290
We’re going to try something called ‘covert comedy’. You can’t see it, you won’t be aware of it – but it’s there, it’s there!

BS JUICY TABLOID TRASH:
• According to the UK’s “Sun” tabloid Justin Timberlake’s been kissin’-and-tellin’ about former girlfriend Britney Spears. Quote “Everyone thinks she is still a virgin but that is a joke. She lost her virginity a while ago — and I should know.” (Real class, pal. Real class.)
• “Star” magazine says Eddie Murphy, who has 7 children including a new baby, tells pals he’s never changed diapers and NEVER will. “That’s for my lady to do, or for the nanny to take care of,” Murphy declares. “It’s not man’s work.” (Wow, cavemen still exist!)
• And here’s another man for the century — the 19th, that is – “Mirror” quotes Blue’s Lee Ryan as saying, “I’ll try not to sleep with every girl I see but it’s hard” (so to speak). And he thoughtfully adds, “I’m not really bothered about pleasing a girl if I’m not in a serious relationship with her.”
• According to “Buzz”, cement dust (huh?) was thrown at pop star Shakira during a promotional appearance at a Sydney, Australia shopping mall. While the dust didn’t reach her, it did cause breathing problems for many of the 2,500 fans who showed up. (And that stuff really itches when it gets “Underneath Your Clothes”!)
• “Sun” reports movie actress Diane Lane has filed a claim for Workers Compensation after shooting her SEX SCENES for the upcoming erotic thriller “Unfaithful”, opening this FRIDAY. But the scenes weren’t with co-star Richard Gere who plays her husband. It was a day-long shoot with Olivier Martinez, who plays her illicit lover, that twisted her back and caused a herniated disc. (Man, has this guy got a wowser pick-up line he can use now or what?)
• “National Enquirer” says Oprah Winfrey is eloping with longtime beau Stedman Graham after one of the longest celebrity engagements ever — 10 years. Word is they’re making plans to tie the knot over the Christmas holidays on an exotic tropical island, followed by a honeymoon cruise.
• If you believe “Star” mag, 22-year-old Chelsea Clinton and bf Ian Klaus are planning to wed in summer 2003 in what the tab calls ‘a $1 million blowout ceremony’ in San Francisco. Buzz is they’ll formally announce their engagement NEXT MONTH.
• And here’s the week’s REAL news headlines according to “Weekly World News” – “Vampires Attack US Marines in Afghanistan”, ”Miracle Priest Can Tell Future!”, “President Clinton to Head All-Girl School!” and “Mermaid Found in Sardine Can!”.

PROFILE OF A MASOCHIST:
A new poll conducted by Brock University Sports Management students profiles the typical Toronto Maple Leafs fan – 78.2% have a personal income over $40,000, 56% have no children, and 77.1% are older than 35. (You have to be to remember the last time they won the Cup!)

NOT SO ‘POP’:
Mariah Carey is the pop recording act most people would like to ‘evict from Earth’, according to a ‘Popdirt’ online poll. She scored 31% of the vote, followed by Jennifer Lopez with 24% and ‘N Sync with 12%. Other contenders included Britney Spears, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson and Madonna.

‘DEAR JOHN’ NUMBER:
Britain’s Jonah Peretti and sister Chelsea have co-founded the ‘Rejection Line’ for people too timid to refuse when asked by an admirer for their phone number. Instead they can just give out the special ‘rejection number’ which when dialed gives the following recorded message —
    “Unfortunately, the person who gave you this number does not want to talk to you or speak to you again. We’d like to take this opportunity to officially reject you.”
A menu system then allows the caller to connect to a ‘comfort specialist’ or hear a sad poem. Upwards of a MILLION people have used the automated system to help them reject losers so far.

SHHH! BE VEWY VEWY QUIET:
THIS WEEK in an attempt to get realistic training experience, the US Marine Corps will invade Boise, Idaho! About two-dozen special reconnaissance personnel will attempt to infiltrate during mock intelligence-gathering missions, spy on specific targets and then get out of town unnoticed. Their biggest obstacles will likely be nosey neighbors and barking dogs. (And the fact that they’ve announced the ‘invasion’ to the press ahead of time.)

GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• Sara Lee wants to take over a duty parents have carried out for kids for decades — slicing the crusts off bread. The company’s new ‘IronKids Crustless Bread’ will sell for about 75 cents more than regular bread. (Another sign we’ve gone past laziness to a state of total inertia.)
• Oh no, now it’s ‘Frankenfish’. Taiwan’s Taikong Corporation has created a genetically-altered zebra fish that — glows in the dark. The so-called ‘TK-1′ is the first ornamental fish to be genetically modified and uses an implanted jellyfish gene to make it glow yellow-green. (Hey, this could help you find your food during a romantic dinner in a dimly-lit seafood restaurant!)

BS INTERNATIONAL:
• A restaurant owner in Beijing, China has been sentenced to 18 months in jail for adding highly-addictive crushed opium poppies to a spicy fish dish in an attempt to ensure that his customers would keep coming back for more. (OK, time to find out what the seven secret spices are in KFC.)
• The new mayor of the town of Hartlepool in northern England is the local soccer team’s mascot ‘H’Angus the Monkey’. Stuart Drummond campaigned IN THE MONKEY COSTUME with a platform that included free bananas for schoolchildren. He’ll earn $77,000 a year as mayor. (Maybe more if he monkeys with the books.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
You are average if you drank about 588 cups of coffee over the past year. (In Canada, that means you also inhaled 3,942 Timbits.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.06.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [57] Bob Seger, Dearborn MI, Jurassic rocker (“Against the Wind”, “Night Moves”)

1953 [49] Tony Blair, Edinburgh SCOT, British Prime Minister since 1997 (Labour Party)

1955 [47] Tom Bergeron, Haverhill MA, TV host (“America’s Funniest Home Videos” since 2001, and “Hollywood Squares” since 1998)

1960 [42] Roma Downey, Derry N IRE, TV actress (Monica-“Touched By An Angel”, since 1994)

1961 [41] George Clooney, Lexington KY, movie actor (“Ocean’s 11″, “The Perfect Storm”, O Brother Where Art Thou”)  NEXT MOVIE: The comedy “Welcome to Collinwood”, opening in SEPTEMBER

1972 [30] Martin Brodeur, Montréal QC, NHL goaltender (New Jersey Devils, 2002 Team Canada Olympic gold medal team)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Melanoma Monday”. Well gosh, I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours! Let’s all spend the day in a tanning bed.

TODAY is the 11th annual “International No Diet Day” co-sponsored the Canadian Association for Size Acceptance, to convince us to stop being obsessed with weight. This year’s theme is ‘Love Your Body’.
NET: http://www.eskimo.com/~largesse/INDD/
REASONS TO GIVE UP ON DIETS:
• They don’t work. Even if you lose weight you will probably gain it all back.
• They’re expensive. Many require special diet products.
• They’re boring. People on diets think and talk about food and practically nothing else.
• They don’t necessarily improve your health and can actually cause health problems.
• They don’t make you beautiful. Very few people will ever look like models.
• They can turn into eating disorders.
• They can make food seem like your enemy. You need it to live!
• They can rob you of energy.
• Learning to accept yourself just as you will give you self-confidence, better health, and a
sense of well-being that will last a lifetime.
Source: Council on Size & Weight Discrimination

TODAY is “Nurses Day”, kicking off “Nurses Week” (although some celebrate “International Nurse’s Day” at the end of the week on MAY 12, Florence Nightingale’s birthday).
YOU MIGHT BE A NURSE IF –
• You wonder why only patients get pills.
• You have weekends-off planned a year in advance.
• You believe that ‘too stupid to live’ should be a reasonable diagnosis.
• Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than ‘Fred Flintstone’s’.
• You compliment complete strangers on the size of their veins.
• You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt lick.
• Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• You are no longer surprised when your patient says, “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”

TODAY is “Gillikins of Oz Day”, celebrating the birthday of L Frank Baum, author of the “Wizard of Oz” books.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1840 [162] Britain’s ‘Penny Black’ is 1st ‘adhesive postage stamp’ (before that you had to nail ‘em on)

1950 [52] 1st marriage for Liz Taylor (Conrad Hilton Jr)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1995 [07] ‘World’s largest margarita’ measures 3,500 gallons (San Antonio TX)

1995 [07] ‘World’s largest collection of footwear’ goes on display as Bata Shoe Museum opens in Toronto

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Teacher Day
[Wed] No Socks Day
[Wed] Third Shift Workers Day
[Thurs] Lost Sock Memorial Day
[Thurs] National Receptionists Day
[Thurs] Eat What You Want Day
[Fri] Clean Up Your Room Day
[Fri] Child Care Provider Appreciation Day
[Sat] Birth Mothers Day
[Sun] Mothers Day
Goodwill Industries Week (give away a shopping spree – for a buck)
Tourism Week
National Salsa Month
Hispanic History Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUE NURSING STORIES:
• A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
• At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’ s anterior chest wall.”Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.
• One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than 5 minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
• While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about 20 years –when my husband was alive.”
(Thanks to Sue Bush)

BS INTERVIEW:
Talk about going out with a bang! For about the same cost as a funeral, Jay Knudsen Jr will send you to the happy hunting ground in style. What he does is stuff shotgun shells with the ashes of deceased hunters, take them to their favorite hunting spot and blast away. It’s called ‘Canuck’s Sportsman’s Memorial’ (after his father’s love of hunting in Canada). And you thought shotgun weddings were weird!
PHONER: 515-244-8631 (Des Moines IA)

BS SPORTS QUIZ:
Q: 87 years ago TODAY (1915) Babe Ruth hit his 1st major league home run. Against what team?
A: He was playing for the Boston Red Sox AGAINST the Yankees in New York.

Q: 29 YEARS AGO today (1973), the now-defunct World Hockey Association held its first championship. Which team won?
A: The Winnipeg Jets led by the ‘Golden Jet’, Bobby Hull.

BS FACT OR CRAP:
Two of the following are facts, the other total BS. But which?
1. Before fame, Madonna sold donuts at a Dunkin Donuts.
2. Before fame, Julia Roberts sold ice cream.
3. Before fame, Jennifer Aniston was a manicurist. (BS. She worked in a burger joint.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 31% of us agree this is the most annoying thing about shopping.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: People that attempt to pay with exact change.

BS TAG LINE:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome to this week’s BS samplers, including Scorch @ WKRL Syracuse NY, Doug Dixon @ WYGY Loveland OH, Aaron Tompkins @ MAGIC 94.9 Oshawa ON, Alan Lockwood @ WCED DuBois PA, and Andy Carlson @ CKYX Fort McMurray AB.