May 2, 2002

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Thursday, May 2, 2002        Edition: #2288
I’m really thin, it’s just that radio makes me sound 10 lbs heavier.

THIS MORNING at 11am EDT the funeral for late TLC member Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes will be held in one of the USA’s largest churches, the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church in the Atlanta suburb of Lithonia . . . Meantime, TLC say they won’t replace her but they will release their 4th album and continue performing (‘cause this is the most publicity they’ve had in years) . . . TODAY Celine Dion, Clint Black, Jessica Simpson & Lonestar perform on the deck of America’s newest aircraft carrier, ‘USS Harry S Truman’, for a CBS-TV special saluting “National Military Appreciation Month” that will air MAY 25 . . . TONIGHT Nicolas Cage (born Nicholas Coppola) becomes the first inductee into the ‘Italian American Hall of Fame’ at a gala in Beverly Hills (this is the best they could do for the first-ever inductee — not Sinatra?) . . . TONIGHT Pink will “Get the Party Started” on her first-ever headlining tour in Phoenix . . . Enrique Iglesias was booed by a concert crowd of 15,000 in the Austrian ski resort of Ischgl after he tried to speak and the fans realized his microphone was OFF – meaning he’d been lip-syncing the whole show, which his PR people are now blaming on ‘thin air’ (singers faking it has become all too common) . . . “Us” magazine reports in its upcoming edition that Rosie O’Donnell’s 4-year companion Kelli Carpenter is several weeks pregnant, but there’s no word on who the father might be (isn’t David Crosby looking thinner these days?) . . . Strange Icelandic pop singer Bjork has also announced she’s pregnant (must have found a blind boyfriend) . . . A new Michael Jackson doll is coming out in Asia (it’s quite authentic – made of the same plastic as the real thing, noses sold separately) . . . Catherine Zeta Jones impulsively auctioned off the backless cream ballgown she was wearing at a charity dinner for a children’s hospital in Wales, a mystery male fan bidding $11,200 (if he could have it – RIGHT NOW) . . . And at a NYC press conference next TUESDAY, the Rolling Stones are expected to announce yet another tour (to be called ‘The Rolling Stones Live — Plus Keith Richards’).

Now that he owns a film company Michael Jackson is set to ‘co-direct’ his first film, “They Cage The Animals At Night”, based on the true story of a boy who’s left at an orphanage and ends up moving from one foster home to another (no word if Mikey is also handling the casting couch) . . . Will Smith has just shot the video for the theme song to “Men in Black 2″ (coming JULY 3), a self-penned tune called “Nod Your Head” . . . The good news – there WILL be a sequel to the street-racing hit “The Fast and the Furious”, the bad news – Vin Diesel WON’T star in it because he wants more money and without him, director Rob Cohen is also quitting . . . “Will & Grace” co-star Sean Hayes will play Jerry Lewis in “Martin & Lewis”, a CBS-TV movie about the legendary comedy team (who should play Dean Martin?) . . . Heather Locklear, Christina Applegate & Rebecca DeMornay all want to be hookers — or at least land the lead role as one in an upcoming made-for-TV bio-film about Jody ‘Baby Doll’ Gibson, the Hollywood madam who recently did time for pandering and tax evasion . . . And Aussie actor Heath Ledger will star in the bio-film “Ned Kelly”, the true story of the notorious outlaw Down Under.

As Queen Elizabeth II embarks on a 50th anniversary ‘Golden Jubilee’ tour of her kingdom (queendom?), a new opinion poll shows 53% of Brits think she should retire within a few years.
And if she does, 66% think son Charles should be skipped over and the throne pass directly to her grandson, 19-year-old Prince William. (Amazingly, just 2% think they should all ‘get a job’.)

“Psychology Today” reports that suicides peak in MAY and JUNE in the Northern Hemisphere
(NOVEMBER and DECEMBER in the Southern). Studies show the risk increases up to 50% during those months. But here’s just what the doctor ordered — new research by University of Toronto prof Dr Helen Mayberg shows that depressed people given a placebo exhibit changes in their brain that are similar to those given Prozac. The study seems to show that placebos can not only provide a psychological boost, but a physical improvement also. (This would save our ‘Prozac Nation’ a pile of money on anti-depressants except a placebo doesn’t work — if you know it’s a placebo.)

A school in New York has banned “Mothers Day” because it might OFFEND children that have same-sex parents or no mother. Students will not be allowed to celebrate the day by making cards for moms. (But the kids are getting around it, smuggling cards out with their crack and guns.)

School officials at Rancho Bernardo High School in suburban San Diego are investigating complaints by parents that vice principal Rita Wilson made girls prove that they were NOT wearing thong panties before they were allowed into a school dance FRIDAY. (What’s the hoopla all about? She’s the VICE principal!)

University of Washington astronomer Don Brownlee claims we’re all made of — stardust. How so? Before the Sun and planets formed, he says, most of the atoms in our bodies were carried in tiny bits of dust formed around other stars in our galaxy. (At last! Real hope that [your co-host] can be a star.)

• Australian Rules football player Peter Filandia of the Sydney Swans has been suspended for 10 games after pleading guilty to biting an OPPONENT’S TESTICLES during a game last week. (Seems Australian Rules only allow balls to be kicked.)
• University of Sao Paulo scientists in Brazil have confirmed that a bull calf born over the weekend was ACCIDENTALLY CLONED as a result of a mix-up in the lab. (Hmm, remember the movie “The Fly”?)
• Researchers at Sydney University have developed a drug for women who are compulsive shoppers. (Here’s how it works — no matter what you buy, it makes your ass look bigger.)


1962 [40] Ty Herndon, Meridian MS, country singer (“Steam”, “What Mattered Most”)

1962 [40] Nancy Harvey, Swift Current SK, LPGA golfer

1972 [30] The Rock (Dwayne Johnson), Hayward CA, movie actor (“The Scorpion King”, “The Mummy Returns”)/6′-5″ 272-lb WWF wrestler (record 6 WWF titles)  NOTES: He was a teammate of Doug Flutie with Calgary Stampeders for ‘95 CFL season/His father (Rocky Johnson) and maternal grandfather (Chief Peter Maivia) were both pro wrestlers in the WWF

TODAY is “Sibling Appreciation Day”, a day to let brothers and sisters know you care. (Or maybe to add up all the times you got tattled on, your hair pulled, your dessert stolen — and get even!)

FRIDAY-Sunday the biggest-ever “Star Wars” convention, “Star Wars Celebration II”, touches down in Indianapolis IN. It celebrates both the 25th anniversary of the original “Star Wars” film and the MAY 16 release of the highly-anticipated “Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones”. So, how many thousands are expected? And who are these weirdos, anyway?
PHONER: 425-917-6122 (Don Williams, Press Relations)  

FRIDAY-May 20th the 50th anniversary “Canadian Tulip Festival” blooms in Ottawa-Gatineau. Ottawa’s tulips are a legacy of the city serving as home to the Dutch royal family during WW2. This year a ‘50 Tulips on Every Street Challenge’ was issued, encouraging homeowners to plant even more. But has the recent snow put a damper on things?
PHONER: 613-567-5757

FRIDAY is “International Tuba Day”, saluting those who go through the hassle of handling a tuba. What do you call someone who plays a tuba? [A tubist.] You can play ‘Name That Tuba Tune’ with sound files available here . . .

1670 [332] Canada’s oldest company ‘Hudson Bay Co’ is chartered

1964 [38] 1st Canadian horse to win Kentucky Derby (Northern Dancer)

1967 [35] 1st time Toronto Maple Leafs play a game in May and the last time they won Stanley Cup, beating Montreal 4 games to 2

1986 [16] ‘Expo ’86’ opens in Vancouver (22 million visit over the next 5 months)

[Fri] Hug Your Cat Day
[Fri] World Press Freedom Day
[Sat] Relationship Renewal Day
[Sun] International Unmothers Day (for women who choose NOT to have kids)
[Sun] No Diet Day
National Connecting Week
National Barbeque Month
Stroke Awareness Month


You read the story line-by-line while a caller or studio guest provides the SFX as best they can. Today’s story is called . . . “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”.
    As a favor to your sister on “Sibling Appreciation Day” you decide to take your 6-year-old nephew to a baseball game and he’s very excited (SFX). You mumble to yourself as you pay a fortune for parking (SFX), tickets (SFX), and a dumb souvenir bobble-head doll whose head falls off when your nephew plays with it (SFX). He cries (SFX). But at least it’s an exciting game and the hometown crown goes wild when local hero ‘Slammer Jammer’ Jones hits a grand slam (SFX). Unfortunately, his homer hits your nephew on the head (SFX). He cries (SFX). It’s a tie game in the bottom of the 9th with the ‘Slammer’ coming up again when you glance over to see your nephew fidgeting in his seat, legs firmly crossed and he says to you (SFX). You really don’t want to miss the end of the game so you whine (SFX). This makes your nephew cry (SFX). As you’re standing in the men’s room waiting for Junior, you hear a big cheer from the crowd (SFX), then a gasp (SFX), then booing (SFX), then more cheering (SFX). As you realize you’ve spent well over a hundred bucks but have no idea what the heck happened because you’re stuck in the washroom with your nephew – you cry (SFX).

Here’s a BS guide to the number of calories per hour various activities at work consume —
Beating around the bush . . . 75
Jumping to conclusions . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . 150
Passing the buck . . . 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) . . . 50-300
Dragging your heels . . . 100
Pushing your luck . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills . . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . 50
Wading through paperwork . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . 75
Running around in circles . . . 350
Tooting your own horn . . . 25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . 750
Pulling out all the stops . . . 75
Adding fuel to the fire . . . 160
Putting your foot in your mouth . . . 300
Getting the ball rolling . . . 90
Counting your chickens before they hatch . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . 2

“Should we really get upset with American sports fans booing the Canadian anthem or are we expecting too much from the morons?”

BS Q & A:
Q: What’s the fastest animal on TWO feet?
A: The ostrich, which can run at over 30 mph. Even though they can’t fly, their wings help
them run by keeping them balanced.
Source: Triviaville

Today’s Question: 90% of all people do this immediately when they walk into a department store.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Turn right.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!


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