Wednesday, May 1, 2002 Edition: #2287
May Day! May Day!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY the ”Real Life On Film” documentary festival begins in Melbourne, Australia with a film about avant garde artist Cynthia Plaster Caster who’s made over 60 plaster casts — of rock star penises (her first ‘work’ was Jimi Hendrix) . . . Anna Kournikova, Kylie Minogue & J-Lo are among the favorites to win the 20th annual ‘Rear Of The Year’ award in London ENG (who should win the male competition?) . . . For the final episode of “Ally McBeal” MAY 20th, Vancouver actor Gil Bellows will return, coming back from the dead as ‘Ally’s’ love interest ‘Billy’, and former cast members Courtney Thorne-Smith & Lisa Nicole Carson will also return . . . A Honduran newspaper says Lisa Lopes was involved in an unreported car accident APRIL 6 which claimed the life of a local boy, just weeks before her own fatal accident . . . Russell Crowe is PO’d again, this time chewing out an Aussie newspaper for listing his $9-million villa as #16 on a list of Australia’s top 100 homes, complete with the address – which the hair-trigger star thinks is a security risk . . . Tongues are wagging that Mariah Carey & Britney Spears both have their sights set on New England Patriot QB and Super Bowl hero Tom Brady, Mariah making a ‘pass’ at a Boston party and Britney inviting him backstage for her upcoming FleetCenter concert . . . Word is Beyonce Knowles does a bedroom romp with midget ‘Mini Me’ in the new “Austin Powers” film . . . And, just in case you care, new mom Liz Hurley has officially filled out the form to register her new son Damian — leaving the father’s name BLANK (Steve Bing just breathed a sigh of relief).
NEW BS LINGO:
• ‘Generation XXL’: A new nickname for kids aged 6 to 19. Seems like every publication you pick up has a blurb about how fat today’s children are, the victims of what health experts call an ‘epidemic of obesity’.
• ‘Vitaballs’: It’s a ‘whole new way to take your vitamins’ – vitamin-enriched gumballs.
• ‘Inter-fada’: The Israeli nickname for the cyber-war on the Internet between Israel and its Muslim opponents that coincides with the Palestinian ‘intifada’ (uprising) that began in 2000. Hackers on both sides are trading attacks, according to Internet security monitors.
• ‘Wazzu’: The nickname for Washington State University. The U’s president wants it banned from T-shirts, sweats, coffee mugs and other products because he considers it disrespectful.
HEAR THAT TICKING NOISE?
A new study published in the journal “Human Reproduction” shows fertility in humans begins to decline much earlier than previously thought — at age 27 for women and 35 for men. Until now, it was thought that women’s fertility starts to drop in the early 30s, with a big plunge after 35. It’s the first study indicating that a decline in fertility due to aging is also a male problem.
GONE TODAY, HAIR TOMORROW:
A San Francisco-based company called Hairogenics Inc has launched a new ‘hair storage service’ for men who are losing their locks. CEO Michael Blaylock says his company will preserve hair samples in a special underground vault beneath a Portland, Oregon hair salon, vacuum-sealed in waterproof packages and stored in a darkened, temperature-controlled environment to protect it from light and moisture. What’s the point? To keep it ‘fresh’ — until scientists devise a way to clone hair from DNA! Yeah, for how much?
PHONER: 415-392-1748 (Steven Phenix, PR)
CLONE ME A STEAK:
University of Georgia scientists have produced the first calf cloned from — a dead cow. The Angus-Hereford calf was cloned from genetic material extracted from the kidney of a cow two days after it was slaughtered. Why bother? They claim it’s a breakthrough that will allow cattle producers to clone the choicest beef. After all, you can’t tell how good a steak will taste until after the animal is — ‘dead meat’.
DUMB CELEB QUOTES:
• “If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!” – Pamela Anderson
• “Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil . . .” – TV chef Julia Child
• “If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brooke Shields
• “I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.” – Cher
• “I think while I nap, so it’s not a waste of time.” – Martha Stewart
• “I feel my best when I’m happy.” – Winona Ryder
• “I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada.” – Britney Spears
Source: “National Enquirer”
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A British man has found his own vehicle after reporting it missing and presumed stolen. An embarrassed Kevin Eastwood discovered his untouched red Vauxhall near a friend’s house, exactly where he’d parked it after a night of heavy boozing — A YEAR AGO!
• A court in the United Arab Emirates has fined a 24-year-old male accountant about $300 for ‘abuse and harassment‘ after he sent a 23-year-old female ad executive a text message reading ‘I like U’. She lodged a complaint with police, claiming she was a victim of cell phone abuse. (After ONE message?)
• Police have arrested a 28-year-old Austrian cleaner who got fed up with his job and set himself up — as a dentist. He bought 2nd-hand equipment and signed up hundreds of customers near Vienna before police caught up with him. 14 of his ‘patients’ had their teeth permanently damaged. (Oh man, next check-up I’ll be DOUBLE-checking the diplomas on the wall!)
• A cop in south Wales has been ticketed for parking illegally while on duty. The Gwent policeman received the $45 fine from a member of his own force while he was in a detection vehicle — running a speed trap!
BS SHOCKING FACT:
More than 90 Canadian municipalities still dump RAW SEWAGE into waterways.
Source: “Canadian Geographic”
THE BULL SHEET 05.01.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950  Dann Florek, TV actor (Capt Donnie Cragen-“Law & Order Special Victims Unit”)
1966  Johnny Colt, Cherry Point NC, rock musician (Black Crowes-“Hard to Handle”)
1967  Tim McGraw, Start LA, country singer (“The Cowboy In Me”, “My Next Thirty Years”)/Mr Faith Hill
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “National Teen Day” (wish them a cheery ‘Happy Teen Day’ and see how they respond)
• “New Homeowner’s Day” (aka ‘What the Hell Did We Get Into? Day’)
• “School Principal’s Day” (it’s a dirty job but some militaristic Nazi’s gotta do it!)
• “Save the Rhino Day” (and trade ‘em with your friends!)
TODAY is “Mother Goose Day”, which actually honors many different writers. The term was first used in the title of the nursery rhyme collection “Mother Goose’s Melody” about 1765. The name caught on, and nursery rhymes have been attributed to ‘Mother Goose’ ever since. Many Mother Goose nursery rhymes are sexist or extremely violent. That’s led to a proliferation of politically correct updated versions. For instance, here’s the PC version of “Jack & Jill” –
“Two young persons of opposite genders, proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance. The purpose of their expedition was to procure a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was ominously omitted from the record. As the male person precipitously descended, he consequently sustained severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomy. A similar fate befell the female, who immediately after the male person, performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction having been traversed by the young man.”
Get other PC nursery rhymes here – http://www.re-quest.net/reading/rhymes
TODAY is “Law Day” in America, observed since 1958 to promote ‘equality and justice under the law’.
TODAY is “May Day”, a traditional holiday celebration since ancient times. Since 1889, “May Day” has been officially observed in some 66 countries as a labor holiday. The British still enjoy a “May Day” holiday, which was traditionally a Celtic festival called “Beltane”, when the beginning of summer was greeted with giant bonfires in honor of the sun. An old legend says freckles will disappear if washed with morning dew on this day. Another piece of folklore says that if you look into a well today, an image of your future mate will appear. In Hawaii, today is “Lei Day”, observed since 1928, when people give one another the gift of a kiss and a lei. (Nice tradition, but it’s a helluva long way to go for a lei.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889  1st ‘aspirin’, produced by Bayer Corp of Germany (even now, no one knows how it works)
1941  ‘Cheerios’ cereal 1st introduced
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1920  After 8 hours, 22 minutes of play over 26 innings, ‘longest baseball game’ in major league history between Boston Braves and Brooklyn Robins is called a 1-1 draw
1978  Steve Weldon slurps 100 yards of spaghetti in record 28.73 secs (Austin TX)
1991  44-year-old Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan pitches record 7th ‘no-hitter’ (beats Toronto Blue Jays 3-0)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Sibling Appreciation Day (honoring the one mom always liked best)
[Fri] Canadian Tulip Festival begins (Ottawa)
[Fri] International Tuba Day
[Fri] Hug Your Cat Day
[Sat] Kentucky Derby
[Sun] National Cartoonist Day
Teacher Appreciation Week (aka ‘Kiss Up For Better Final Marks Week’)
Fungal Infection Awareness Month (aka ‘Excuse Me While I Throw Up Month’)
BULL’S BITS . . .
• Whyzit no matter how many pens and pencils you own, none will ever be within 15 feet of a phone?
• Whyzit the likelihood of a letter getting lost is directly proportional to its importance?
• Whyzit when you go to a ‘strip mall’, everyone’s wearing clothes?
• Whyzit there isn’t an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants?
• Whyzit the telephone never rings unless you are in the shower?
• There’s a woman on the Web offering ‘Hot Love’ and ‘Pain Triple-X’? Nope, she’s not what you think — Mary Going, aka ‘Mrs Firegirl’, is a chile-head who has developed a thriving online hot sauce business with over 800 spicy items. She says the fiery-food industry is very macho so she came up with ‘Firegirl’ as a strong, feminist alternative.
PHONER: 800-296-9646/207-774-7212 (Westbrook ME)
• ‘The Library Hotel’ on Madison Avenue in NYC is the first hotel in which rooms are themed and numbered according to the Dewey Decimal System. Each of the 60 rooms is decorated with a collection of books and art exploring a distinctive topic within the DDS category it belongs to. For instance, broadcasters might want to stay in room 300.001, the ‘Communication’ room on the ‘Social Sciences’ floor. There are also rooms themed for ‘Journalism’, ‘Math’, ‘Geography’, even ‘Erotic Literature’. Each floor of the hotel honors one of the 10 categories of the DDC, ie: the 10th floor is the ‘General Knowledge’ level, the 12th floor ‘Religion’.
PHONER: 877-793 7323/212-983 4500 (Shannon Karns)
BS FACT OR CRAP?
Two of the following are facts, one is total BS. But which one?
GAME #1 –
1. 300 years ago in Vienna, coffee was regulated as a drug.
2. 325 years ago in China, signatures made with the left hand were invalid. (BS)
3. 350 years ago in India, smokers were punished by having their noses slit.
GAME #2 —
1. A stamp collector is called a ‘philatelist’ [fill-AT-a-list].
2. A paper money collector is called a ‘notaphilist’ [no-TA-fil-ist].
3. A postcard collector is called a ‘cardiologist’. (BS It’s a ‘deltiologist’ [dell-tee-OL-oh-jist].
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you are single, you do this 2 more times per week than your married friends.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Bathe/shower.
BS TAG LINE:
The shortest period of time between two events is the time between when the light turns green
and when the idiot behind you blows his horn.