Wednesday, May 9, 2001 Edition: #2051
BS THINGS ALL MOMS SAY:
Ask listeners to call in ‘Momisms’, those dumb little expressions all mothers feel compelled to pass on. For instance . . .
• “Someday your face will freeze like that!”
• “What if everyone jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?”
• “Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been!”
• “Did you flush?”
• “There’s enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!”
• “Don’t pick at it, it’ll get infected.”
• And, of course, the ever-popular — “You’re going to put your eye out with that thing!”
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
TONIGHT LeAnn Rimes hosts the 36th annual “Academy of Country Music Awards” in Hollywood with Lee Ann Womack and Toby Keith leading nominations at 6 apiece (yet another Dick Clark-produced awards show) . . . Word is multi-millionaire sports celebs Tiger Woods and Alex Rodriguez (baseball’s $252-million shortstop) have become best buds, getting together for wild weekends of tossing cash on casino tables in Vegas and the Bahamas (how much would they have to bet to get any kind of rush?) . . . “Survivor II” contestant Amber Brkich continues to prove she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed by doing a sexy layout for the JULY issue of obscure men’s mag “Stuff” — for free! . . . Matt LeBlanc and David Schwimmer have reportedly been in talks with producers about launching their own sitcom when “Friends” finally folds (‘cause compared to the rest of the cast, their movie careers are zilch-o) . . . And reports say Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe is claiming the weirdo used to wear a horse’s head and dress like ‘Peter Pan’ during sex (this is hard to believe — not the horsehead or the costume, the idea that they had sex).
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘Zipperhead’ – A person with a closed mind. (“I asked the boss for a mental health day, but she’s a real zipperhead and said no.”)
• ‘Golden Bungee Cord’ – What executives have who lose their jobs due to a merger or corporate takeover, collect a severance package (‘golden parachute’) and then return to the same company as independent contractors or consultants.
• ‘The Sandbox’ or ‘Playpen’ – The Research & Development department at a software firm, where increasingly more geeks are being laid off lately.
WHY IS IT THAT IN MOVIES . . .
• All members of alien species wear the same outfits?
• Pedestrians are never hit when cars drive down a sidewalk in a chase scene?
• Whenever someone knocks out someone else and takes their clothes, it’s always a flawless fit?
• Any apartment in Paris will have a view of the Eiffel Tower?
• A kid always knows more than an adult?
• Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners?
• Whenever someone looks through the binoculars, you see 2 joined circles instead of 1?
• Women always fight other women by pulling hair, then falling to the ground together and rolling over twice?THE BULL SHEET 05.09.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1918 [83] Mike (Myron Leon) Wallace, Brookline MA, TV journalist (“60 Minutes”, since 1968)
1936 [65] Albert Finney, Salford ENG, movie actor (“Erin Brockovich”, “Traffic”)
1946 [55] Candice Bergen, Beverly Hills CA, movie actress (“Miss Congeniality”)/ex-TV actress (“Murphy Brown”)
1949 [52] Billy Joel, Hicksville NY, classic rock/pop singer (“Piano Man”, “My Life”)
1965 [36] Steve Yzerman, Cranbrook BC, NHL center (Detroit Red Wings)
1974 [27] Stephane Yelle, Ottawa ON, NHL center (Colorado Avalanche)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Third Shift Workers Day”, honoring those sleep-challenged souls who work through the night to keep things running after dark. Ask for calls from people with unusual all-night jobs.
TODAY is “Lost Sock Memorial Day”, a day to remember those singular hose that went into the washing machine or dryer never to return.
TODAY the glitzy 54th “Cannes Film Festival” opens on the French Riviera and reels until May 20th.
Norwegian actress Liv Ullmann heads this year’s jury since Jodie Foster stepped down to do a movie. The Nicole Kidman-Ewan McGregor musical “Moulin Rouge” opens this year’s bash. Porn conglomerate Private Media will try to upstage the galas with a series of X-rated events, including a live sex show. NET: http://www.festival-cannes.fr
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1899 [102] 1st ‘lawn mower’ is patented
1997 [04] 1st graduate from 1st university operating entirely online (International University)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1984 [17] Chicago White Sox and Milwaukee Brewers finish 8 hour, 6 minute game — longest-ever MLB game in elapsed time (Chicago wins 7-6 in 25th inning on 2nd day)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] BC Election
[May 15] Canadian Census Day
International Nurses Week
National Etiquette Week
National Strawberry Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
NAME THAT MOTHER:
• The main circuit board in a computer. (MOTHERboard.)
• The cocktail made from vodka and amaretto. (GodMOTHER.)
• She controls the great outdoors. (MOTHER Nature.)
• A kids’ schoolyard game. (MOTHER May I?)
• The inner layer of shells used for making buttons and beads. (MOTHER of Pearl.)
• A comic strip. (“MOTHER Goose & Grimm”)
• She gave birth to your spouse. (MOTHER-in-law.)
• The nun who founded the Missionaries Of Charity. (MOTHER Teresa)
• A nickname for our planet. (MOTHER Earth)
BS TAG LINE: If you want to say it with flowers on Mothers Day, a single rose says, “I’m cheap!”
