Wednesday, May 2, 2001 Edition: #2046
A STUPID PERSON’S GUIDE TO LIFE:
• Don’t throw a brick straight up.
• The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
• If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
• Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.
• When using a Weed Whacker, don’t hold the end with the wire.
• When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
• Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY the musical “42nd Street” opens again on Broadway, 20 years after winning a Tony for ‘Best Musical’ and 12 years after setting records as one of the longest-running shows ever . . . TONIGHT Sisqo and Carmen Electra host the 2001 “World Music Awards” in Monte Carlo, featuring performances by Shaggy, Nelly Furtado, Christina Aguilera, Backstreet Boys & Ricky Martin (airs on TV later THIS MONTH) . . . Hollywood buzz has it Robert Downey Jr had already been asked to leave the set of “Ally McBeal” LAST MONDAY because his speech was slurred and he was having trouble delivering his lines, hours BEFORE his latest drug arrest . . . Old nude pics of former “NYPD Blue” star and new CNN News anchor Andrea Thompson have been splashed all over the Internet (watch for her debut soon on CNN ‘Headline Nudes’) . . . Alan Jackson’s lakeside estate near Smithville TN called ‘The Real World’ is up for sale for $4 million as the country king plans to replace it with a vacation home in Georgia (no doubt “way down south on the Chatahoochee”).
A THREAT TO TIMMY’S?
Nestle Corp will begin test-marketing the world’s first ‘self-heating coffee’ in Britain later THIS MONTH. The thermal cans are room temp when you buy them, but automatically heat up to 60 degrees C when a button on the base is pressed. Heating time – 3 minutes. Cost – $1.70. (And the average freshness of the brew – last year.)
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘Distance-Learning Institution’ . . . Fancy new term for online educators. The Orlando-based ‘Florida Online High School’ has just become the first at the secondary level. University level education has been available online for years.
• ‘Residential Manager’ . . . If one is paying through the nose to live in a high-end building, one simply cannot have a ‘janitor’, ‘custodian’ or ‘building superintendent’. Top ‘residential managers’ are now a hot commodity.
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Canada is the 2nd largest exporter of potatoes in the world of which 75% come from PEI. (Warts and all.)
• The average “60 Minutes” viewer is now 57- years-old. (Mike Wallace, Morley Safer & Andy Rooney say they’re pleased the show still has appeal with youngsters.)
• The average gas-powered lawn mower emits 11½ times more air pollution than the average car. (A great excuse not to cut the lawn!)
• Thoroughbred horses at the Saratoga NY racetrack have tested positive for Viagra. (Um, not to create TOO visual a mental picture but, wouldn’t that slow them down?)THE BULL SHEET 05.02.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [51] Lou Gramm, Rochester NY, classic rock singer (Foreigner-“I Want to Know What Love Is”)
1952 [49] Christine Baranski, Buffalo NY, TV sitcom actress (Marsha Bickner-“Welcome to New York”)/movie actress (“How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, “Cruel Intentions”)
1962 [39] Ty Herndon, Meridian MS, country singer (“What Mattered Most”, “Living In A Moment”)
1962 [39] Nancy Harvey, Swift Current SK, LPGA golfer
1972 [29] The Rock (Dwayne Johnson), Miami FL, 6′-5″ 272-lb WWF wrestler (record 6 WWF titles)/movie actor (plays ‘The Scorpion King’ in “The Mummy Returns”, opening this FRIDAY)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day”, promoting awareness of symptoms and solutions to anxiety and depressive disorders. Take a test online and find out how messed up you are!
NET: http://www.freedomfromfear.org
ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [04] Mike Myers’ “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” opens in theaters
1999 [02] Record-setting Denver Broncos QB John Elway announces retirement after 16 NFL seasons and 2 Super Bowl championships
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1670 [331] Canada’s oldest company ‘Hudson Bay Co’ is chartered
1964 [37] 1st Canadian horse to win Kentucky Derby (Northern Dancer)
1967 [34] 1st time Toronto Maple Leafs play a game in May and the last time they won Stanley Cup, beating Montreal 4 games to 2
1986 [15] ‘Expo ’86’ opens in Vancouver (22 million visit over the next 5 months)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] “Survivor II” finale
[Fri] Weather Observers’ Day
[Sat] Kentucky Derby (Louisville)
[Sun] International Unmothers Day (for women who choose not to have kids)
National Bathroom Reading Week
Fungal Infection Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What well-known woodwind instrument is also known by the odd names ‘zampogna,’ ‘piva,’ ‘ditka,’ ‘gaita,’ ‘zummarch,’ and ‘cornemuse’?
A: Bagpipes.
Q: Where is most of the vitamin C in fruits?
A: It’s in the skin – the part of the orange, grapefruit, banana, etc that you throw away!
(Source for both: “Compton’s Encyclopedia”)
WEB GOODIES:
• How far is Moose Jaw from Flin Flon? Check the distance between any 2 Canadian municipalities at ‘Canadian Distances Guide’. NET: http://www.uvl.ca/mileage.htm
• Get theme music & sound bites form “The Weakest Link”. NET: http://www.twlonline.co.uk/sounds/
BS TAG LINE: Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
