Thursday, May 25, 2000 Edition: #1815
Who is ‘Joe Average’? The June issue of “Men’s Health” magazine details the following facts about the ‘average guy’ –
• The average guy is 34.4-years-old, 5-ft 10 ins, 175 pounds.
• The average guy gains about 1.1 lbs each year. (All of it around the gut.)
• The average guy takes about 14 minutes to have sex. (Slightly longer if someone else is involved.)
• The average guy has sex 79 times a year, or 1.5 times a week. (Those .5 occasions can be SO embarrassing.)
• The average married guy has about a 1-in-4 chance of cheating on his wife. (Meaning 3 out of 4 women who are propositioned say ‘no’.)
• The average guy brushes his teeth 1.9 times a day. (A half-ass job in the morning and a thorough job after the family Lab gives him a big sloppy kiss when he gets home.)
• The average 40-year-old guy can balance on 1 foot for 9 seconds. (Usually after stepping in a backyard gift from the neighbor’s mutt.)
BS AVERAGE GUY FACTS THEY MISSED:
• The avverage married guy lives longer than the average single guy, but the married guy is a lot more willing to die.
• The average guy goes shopping to buy, never to look.
• The average guy does not call a relationship a relationship — he refers to it as “that time when me and Allison were boinking on a semi-regular basis.”
• The average guy considers driving back to her place as ‘foreplay’.
• The average guy will wear every article of clothing he owns before he will do his laundry.
• When a group of average guys goes out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as ‘Peckerhead’, ‘Scumbag’, and ‘Moron’.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Totally unreliable sources say “Tonight Show” retiree Johnny Carson is considering hosting a game show opposite “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” (it’s called ‘When Pigs Fly’) . . . Also from the hard to believe department – talk show gas bag Rush Limbaugh claims he has auditioned for the role of color commentator on “Monday Night Football”, vacant since Boomer Esiason was axed in March (ever-modest Rush says he was “excellent, to tell you the truth”) . . . Just to show how hard up Sylvester Stallone is for roles — he’s flogging a script for “Rocky 6″ around Hollywood (‘Rocky Balboa’ kicks the crap out of evil twin Tony Randall).
FUTURE FLICKS:
“Dawson’s Creek” cutie Katie Holmes may play Rene Russo’s daughter in the comedy “Big Trouble”, the hilarious story of a suitcase found with an atomic bomb in it . . . Marijuana mag “High Times” is stealing a page from “National Lampoon” and getting into movie production with an indie comedy called, what else?, “POTluck” . . . Michael Flatley plans to co-write and star in a film based on his “Lord of the Dance” Irish dancing stage shows (but it’s really unlikely he’ll be in ‘Lord of the Sequel’).
WHY GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES:
Howz come men like blondes? Well, according to a new study, it’s because blondes look younger, reflect a ‘childlike innocence’ and ‘radiate goodness’. 25% of North American women are born blonde, but only 5% remain so after puberty. (Why are there no dumb brunettes? Peroxide.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.25.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [56] Frank Oz, Hereford ENG, movie director (Bowfinger, In & Out)/Muppeteer (voice of ‘Miss Piggy’, ‘Fozzie Bear’, ‘Animal’, ‘Bert’, ‘Grover’, ‘Cookie Monster’) NET: ‘Miss Piggy’ sound clips here – http://www.hometurf.com/ladies3.html
1963 [37] Mike Myers, Scarborough ON, comedic movie actor (Austin Powers, Wayne’s World/next film “Sprockets” is based on another of his “SNL” characters, avant-garde German talk show host ‘Dieter’ FACTOID: Has 3 dogs, all named after hockey players NET: “Sprockets” sound clips here – http://www.angelfire.com/pa2/nun/mikesounds.html
1969 [31] Anne Heche, Aurora OH, film actress (6 Days 7 Nights,, Wag the Dog)/Ellen DeGeneres’ partner
NOTE: Numerous sources list today as Lauryn Hill’s birthday. We have just received confirmation from Sony Music in NY that it is in fact May 26th.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “National Missing Children’s Day”, promoting awareness of the problem and safety tips for kids and parents.
Today is “National Tap Dance Day”, honoring the birthday of Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, ‘King of Tap Dancers’, in 1878.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 ‘Tim “Tool Time” Taylor’ retires as Tim Allen sitcom “Home Improvement” wraps after 8 seasons
1999 Whitney Houston releases hit single “It’s Not Right But It’s Okay”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1987 [13] 1st harness racing driver to win 10,000 races (Canada’s Hervé Fillion)
1989 [11] 1st (and only) Stanley Cup won by Calgary Flames (vs Montréal Canadiens)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Indianapolis 500 (featuring TWO women drivers for the first time in history)
[Mon] Memorial Day (USA)
National New Friends, Old Friends Week
Better Hearing and Speech Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TODAY’S BS ASTROLOGY READINGS:
• Aquarius – Your long life will reflect the advantages of dying young.
• Cancer – Look to premature senility to save your self-respect.
• Virgo – A disfiguring car accident will improve your looks.
• Taurus – Your hopes and your future have nothing in common.
• Leo – You will change your sexual orientation, and then change back once you find that your new acquaintances don’t like you either.
Q: What do cats, camels, and giraffes have in common?
A: They walk by moving their front and hind legs on one side, then the front and hind legs on the other side. When most other animals move, the front leg on one side and the hind leg on the other move together.
THE LAST WORD: If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
