Wednesday, May 17, 2000                                               Edition:  #1809

LEAST POPULAR BS GRADUATION PROM THEMES:
• “Bring Your Mom to the Prom!”
• “I Swear, It’s Not Contagious”
• “Is That Your Final Answer?”
• “Up with Abstinence!”
• “McDonald’s is Hiring!”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Yesterday London-born Liz Taylor was officially made a ‘Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire’, female equivalent of a knight, by Queen Elizabeth II (she was hoping for the title ‘Queen Elizabeth III’ having already been a ‘dame commander’ in “Cleopatra”). . . Jerry Seinfeld’s expectant wife Jessica Sklar has become so demanding that people are starting to call her ‘Mrs Whinefeld’ (when it comes to unbearable whining, we’re betting Jer’s no slouch either) . . . That new deal with the cast of “Friends” totals $240 million (based on acting ability, should Matt LeBlanc make Tom Hanks money?) . . . And because they’ve obviously run out of ideas, a Broadway musical comedy on the life of Jesse Ventura is being developed (called ‘Lord of the Ring’?).

NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Sugar Mommies’ . . . The female equivalent of a ‘sugar daddy’. A new term reflecting the fact that nearly 20% of married women are now the prime breadwinners in their families.
• ‘Armpit Painting’ . . . A new fashion fad in Japan that’s become the height of chic. (I’d be happy if [your co-host] would paint hers with some Secret once a week.)
• ‘Squirt the Bird’ . . . To transmit a signal up to a satellite. (“The crew and talent are ready – what time do we squirt the bird?”)

ONLY IN CANADA:
• A new proposal unveiled yesterday by the House of Commons environment committee would ban lawn chemicals and other pesticides intended only for ‘cosmetic’ purposes. (My lazy-ass neighbor will be thrilled his backyard dandelion field is safe.)
• CanWest Global is looking at getting into the newspaper biz by buying up the Canadian rags put on the block by the Thomson Corp. (If their TV network is any indication, your local paper will consist of “USA Today” with Canadian ads spliced in.)
• Finance Minister Paul Martin wants the provinces to agree to return cigarette prices back to 1994 levels, before they were slashed to combat cross-border smuggling. That means a hike of up to $16 a carton. (Note to self — remove floor bolts from backseat of the Buick.)

SHOOTING THE BREEZE:
Just in case you thought you’ve seen everything — the new Website fartcontest.com is devoted entirely to the ‘gassy side of life’ and offers monthly prizes for the most amazing sound files of ‘wind-breaking’. Winners are determined by votes cast by Web sniffers . . . er, surfers.
NET: http://www.fartcontest.com
PHONER: 888-648-9616 (Wesley Groves)

ANOTHER REASON “I AM CANADIAN”:
A new “Washington Post”/ABC News poll finds that close to 25% of Americans have been threatened by a gun at least once in their lives and nearly 10% of adult respondents say they’ve actually had a gun fired at them — and that doesn’t include experiences in the military! (Quick gun control solution – randomly make 1 out of 10 guns shoot backwards.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.17.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
    1936     [64] Dennis Hopper, Dodge City KS, film actor (Speed, Easy Rider) NOTE: Plans are underway to make a $30-million “Easy Rider” sequel, but there’s no word if he’ll be back
1950     [50] Christian Lacroix, Arles FRA, Paris fashion designer
1955     [45] Bill Paxton, Ft Worth TX, film actor (U-571, Titanic, Twister)
1956    [44] Bob Saget, Philadelphia PA, ex-TV host (America’s Funniest Home Videos,1990-97)/ex-TV actor (Danny Tanner-Full House, 1987-95)/made a lot of money on a little talent
1961    [39] Enya (Eithne Ni Bhraonain), Gweedore IRE, pop/new age jazz singer (Watermark)
1970    [30] Jim Cummins, Dearborn MI, NHL winger (Montreal Canadiens)
1971    [29] Bill Lindsay, Big Fork MT, NHL winger (Calgary Flames)
1974    [26] Mike Prokopec, Toronto ON, NHL winger (Ottawa Senators)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
• Today is the UN’s “World Telecommunications Day”, which that idiot driver in front of you seems to be celebrating by yakking on her cell phone while weaving all over the freeway.
• Today is “Pack Rat Day”, celebrating people who squirrel away all kinds of ‘stuff’. (“What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever saved?”)
• Today is “National Be A Millionaire Day”, a celebration of the joys of achieving millionaire status. (Among those joys would be, let’s see . . . MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!)
• Today is “National Employee Health & Fitness Day”, a good day to bend your elbow at lunch.
• “Fertility Rites Festival” is celebrated today-Friday in the Philippines, when childless couples dance — and you know what that leads to!

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1998    [02] Then-NY Yankee David Wells pitches 15th perfect game in the 118 years of MLB (27 batters, 27 outs; no hits, no runs, no errors) as Yanks blank Minnesota Twins 4-0 FACTOID: Coincidently, Wells attended the same high school as Don Larsen, who pitched the only perfect World Series game ever for the 1956 Yankees

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1993     [07] 1st computers using ‘Pentium’ chips unveiled (immediately making your $4000 PC junk)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] International Museum Day
[Thurs] Visit Your Relatives Day
National Running & Fitness Week
National Good Car-Keeping Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS CLASSIC LINES: (We give you a lyric line from a classic hit, you name the tune.)
• “Oh once in your life you find someone who will turn your world around, bring you up when you’re feelin’ down.” (“Heaven”-Bryan Adams)
• “You know darned well when you cast your spell, you will get your way when you hypnotize with your eyes, a heart of stone can turn to clay.” (“You Can Do Magic”-America)
• “I feed you, I drink you, my day and my night, I need you, I need you, by sun or candlelight.” (“Obsession”-Animotion)
• “Inside we both know what’s been going on, we know the game and we’re gonna play it.” (“Never Gonna Give You Up”-Rick Astley)

THE LAST WORD: Those who judge others will burn in Hell!