Monday, May 15, 2000 Edition: #1807
LEAST RESPECTED SPORTS RECORDS:
• Most paternity suits in a season.
• Highest blood alcohol content during a game.
• Most murders by an NFL player, career.
• Most times running into the outfield wall without making the catch.
• Largest wad of spit left on bullpen mound.
• Most consecutive plate appearances without washing jockstrap.
• Most icing penalties by an Arab.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” reports Jack Nicholson is being taken to court by a woman who claims he promised to pay for sex, but beat her up when she asked for money. (In related news, Nicholson has signed to reprise his Oscar-winning role as ‘Garrett Breedlove’ in the upcoming sequel ‘Terms of Procurement’.)
• “Daily Variety” reports that Ricky Martin and Natalie Portman are being pursued to star in a remake of the 1987 movie hit “Dirty Dancing”. (Producers think Ricky may have even more ‘screen presence’ in the role than Patrick Swayze – from the waist to the knees.)
• ‘Sporty Spice’ Mel C tells Britain’s “Q Online” that the new Spice Girls album scheduled for August release is “very danceable to when you’re drunk.” (And if you’ve already passed out, it’s a freakin’ work of art!)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Matthew McConaughey admits that he never uses soap and ex-girlfriend Sandra Bullock had to constantly remind him to use deodorant. (Thank goodness “U-571″ isn’t in ‘smell-o-vision”.)
• “Star” claims Heather Locklear has laid down the law to new “Spin City” co-star Charlie Sheen. Worried he’d ruin the family atmosphere of the show with his hard-partying ways, she apparently told him in no uncertain terms she expected him to toe the line. (Proper behavior’s a key issue with Heather – that’s why she’s been married to Richie Sambora and Tommy Lee.)
MAKE BABIES AMBASSADORS:
A new study in “Science” magazine finds that babies around-the-world are basically speaking the same language by making the same pattern of sounds. Linguists think ‘baby talk’ resembles what may have been the original human language, based on sounds that are easy to make. (Now you know why they go gaga over the Goo Goo Dolls in Japan.)
FASTER, STRONGER . . . HIGHER!!!!
The Australian town of Nimbin has just staged the first ever “Hemp Olympix” with participants competing in oddball events like ‘joint-rolling’, ‘bong-throwing’ and ‘hit-holding’. Unlike the real Olympics coming to Sydney this summer, both competitors and judges had to pass a mandatory drug test to ASSURE they were high. (Whitney Houston was scheduled to sing the anthem, but she forgot to show up.)
NEW FACTS ABOUT THE INTERNET:
• 37% of Canadians now use the Internet.
• 48% of Canadian Internet users connect daily. (Drug addicts are also ‘users’ – coincidence?)
• 25% of Canadians now have their own e-mail address.
• 10% of Canadian Internet users are now connected via TV cable. (‘Cause Ted Rogers needs the money.)
• There are now as many women in cyberspace as men. (Actually, about a million times as many f you count naked pictures.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.15.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937  Madeleine Albright, Prague CZE, US Secretary of State
1943  David Cronenberg, Toronto ON, filmmaker (eXxistenZ, Crash)
1964  Dave Reid, Toronto ON, NHL winger (Colorado Avalanche)
1969  Emmitt Smith, Pensacola FL, NFL RB who’s led NFL in rushing 3 times (Dallas Cowboys)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[RC] San Isidro Day (patron saint of farmers and other agricultural workers)
[UN] International Day of Families
Today is “Peace Officer Memorial Day” observed by more than 21,000 police departments across North America to honor colleagues who’ve been killed in the line of duty. It’s also “National Police Week”.
Today is “Hug Your Cat Day”, a day for humans to hug their cats without fear of scratches or hisses.
DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU?
• Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cat when you move?
• Do you have more than 4 opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
• Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
• Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Today is “True Confessions Day”, a day to confess all those little secrets you’ve been keeping for years. (Coincidentally its also ‘Pack Up Your Clothes and Get Out, We’re Getting a Divorce Day’.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994 Toronto NBA franchise unveils ‘Raptors’ nickname, picked by Canada-wide poll
1996 CTV anchor Lloyd Robertson awarded ‘Gold Ribbon Award for Broadcast Excellence’
1997 Space shuttle ‘Atlantis’ blasts off for ‘Mir’ packing tapes of the Canadian TV comedy “The New Red Green Show”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1930  1st ‘flight attendant’ (Ellen Church serves up snacks and drinks on United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Cheyenne WY) FACTOID: A new study reveals that the average flight attendant on a transatlantic flight walks an incredible 9½ miles!
1993  1st Montréal Expo uniform retired (#10-Rusty Staub)
1995  1st Canadian magazine to go online (Maclean’s)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Wear Purple For Peace Day
[Wed] Pack Rat Day
International Online Romance Week
National Hamburger Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: You are more likely to suffer intense allergic symptoms if a cat has this.
A: Dark coloring. Allergic reactions increase with the darkness of fur color, according to Long Island College Hospital research.
THE LAST WORD:
Dogs come when they are called. Cats take a message and get back to you.