Monday, May 1, 2000 Edition: #1797
Today is the deadline for filing your 1999 income tax. You have until midnight tonight.
BS WAYS TO ENSURE AN AUDIT BY REVENUE CANADA:
• Pay in pennies — delivered by sling slot.
• Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning Lotto 649 numbers.
• Claim your cat as a dependent.
• Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.
• On the line that asks what you made this year, answer “Trouble”.
• Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.
• Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.
• Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.
• Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.
• Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades — and claim you came out exactly even.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Extra, Extra!” reports that “Where the Heart Is” star Ashley Judd is getting married to Indy race car driver Dario Franchitti. Seems mom Naomi let the news slip last week that her daughter’s been engaged since December, so now they’ve made it official though no date has been set. (Mom’ll probably blurt that out this week.)
• Also on the altar watch, “E! Online” has a source saying Oscar-winning “Girl, Interrupted” actress Angelina Jolie and actor Billy Bob Thornton have secretly tied the knot — her 2nd marriage, his 5th! (When Billy Bob weds, it’s his lawyer who lives happily ever after.)
• According to a former girlfriend quoted in “Globe”, Bill Gates had bad breath, was a lousy lover and didn’t bathe for days at a time. She also reveals her nickname for him was “Beavis”. (Meow! Are we bitter that we’re not ‘Mrs 50 billion-in-the-bank’ or what?)
• “Star” reports wild man actor James Woods is trying to land a date with “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” bride Darva Conger. (14 minutes and counting, Darva.)
• According to “Star” Jennifer Lopez is insisting that a new toy doll representing her have the same curves she does. (So look for ‘Big Butt Barbie’ real soon!.)
• If you believe “Globe”, Puffy Combs is upset that Jennifer Lopez had a pajama party with Matthew McConaughey. (It’s unclear if she actually ‘played his bongos’.)
ON THE AGENDA:
• Today Mattel’s new “Barbie For President” doll hits stores. (Yet another plastic candidate.)
• Today Pope John Paul II, the Eurythmics, Lou Reed and Andrea Bocelli are headlining the roster for the “Great Jubilee Concert for a Debt-Free World” at Rome University. (Annie Lennox must be thrilled to open for the Pope.)
• Today US actors unions begin a strike that will stop work on TV ads until their pay scale is adjusted. (No TV commercials? Cool – how long can we keep this going?)
DON’T WORRY, BE SKINNY:
A new book called “Fight Fat After Forty” claims stress is the leading cause of weight gain for middle-aged people. (We’re more convinced by a really old study that shows weight gain can be attributed to eating a lot.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.01.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1950  Dann Florek, TV actor (Capt Donnie Cragen-Law & Order Special Victims Unit) NOTE: NBC has just renewed both “Law & Order” and its spin-off “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” each for several more years. “Law & Order”, now in its 10th season, will air at least through 2005, making it the 2nd longest-running TV series ever behind “Gunsmoke” (1955-1975)
1966  Charlie Schlatter, Englewood NJ, TV actor (Dr Jesse Travis-Diagnosis Murder)
1966  Johnny Colt, Cherry Point NC, rock musician (Black Crowes-Hard to Handle)
1967  Tim McGraw, Start LA, country singer (Something Like That, Indian Outlaw)/Mr Faith Hill
1968  D’arcy Wretzky-Brown, rock bassist (Smashing Pumpkins-1979)
1969  Bryan Marchment, Scarborough ON, NHL defenceman (San Jose Sharks)
1979  Jennifer Botterill, Winnipeg MB, hockey forward (2000 Women’s World Hockey Champion Team Canada, ‘98 Olympic team)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[World] Save the Rhino Day, Mother Goose Day
Rally ’round the Maypole because today is “May Day”, a traditional holiday celebration since ancient times. An old legend says freckles will disappear if washed with morning dew on this day. Another piece of folklore says that if you look into a well today, an image of your future mate will appear. Since 1889, “May Day” has been officially observed in some 66 countries as a labor holiday.
In Hawaii, today is “Lei Day”, observed since 1928, when people give one another the gift of a kiss and a lei. (Hey, you gotta like that!)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995 Montréal Canadiens miss NHL playoffs for first time in 25 years (now an annual event)
1996 Deputy PM Sheila Copps announces resignation over government failure to abolish GST (leading to expensive by-election in which she seeks public approval and wins)
1997 Labour party leader Tony Blair elected British Prime Minister
1998 Celine Dion receives prestigious Order of Canada
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1920  Longest MLB baseball game ends in 1-1 tie as Boston Braves and Brooklyn Dodgers play an incredible 26 innings — with the same pitchers!
1991  Oakland A’s Rickey Henderson steals career record 939th base vs NY Yankees (a year later to the day he reaches 1,000)
1991  44-year-old Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan pitches record 7th no-hitter (beats Toronto 3-0)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Astronomy Day
[Wed] National Baby’s Day
National Science and Technology Week (aka ‘Geek Week’)
Correct Posture Month (“Hey Slumpy! Sit up!”)
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE LAST WORD ON TAXES:
• Most problems are all in your mind — unfortunately payng taxes isn’t one of them.
• Making out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.
• There is no child so bad that he or she can’t be used as an income tax deduction.
• Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.