May 28, 2009

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Thursday, May 28, 2009        Edition: #4028
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

The belongings of Marcel Marceau have been auctioned off in Paris this week, raising hundreds-of-thousands to clear the debts of the famed French mime, who died in 2007 (was it a ‘silent auction’?) . . . “NY Times” reports AT&T, the phone network used to cast text votes on “American Idol”, provided free texting services at two Kris Allen fan parties in Arkansas after the final performance show but nothing to supporters of runner-up Adam Lambert (it’s only a conspiracy if you actually believe the show’s based on fan voting) . . . One of the world’s oldest broadcasters, Vatican Radio, is finally going commercial this July in order to meet rising costs, a move personally approved by Pope Benedict XVI (we’re guessing the first ad won’t be for Planned Parenthood) . . . Despite being critically panned, the season debut of “Jon & Kate Plus 8” did gangbuster ratings, 9.8 million viewers shattering TLC’s record (to maintain those numbers, they’ll have to cheat every week) . . . A rep for actress Katherine Heigl is denying a report saying she’s been dumped from an upcoming A-list movie cast due to her ‘extortionate salary demands’ (no, that’s what caused her “Grey’s Anatomy” character to get terminal cancer) . . . “The Hills” star Spencer Pratt’s stint on the upcoming NBC-TV reality show “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” (debuting June 1st) is in jeopardy after he failed a mandatory blood test due to dangerously low levels of platelets (is that medical jargon for ‘class’?) . . . And “In Touch” magazine is reporting that 41-year-old Oscar-nominated actor Josh Brolin (“Milk”), who’s been married to 44-year-old actress Diane Lane for 5 years, has been spotted ‘getting cozy’ with a female fan at bars in New Orleans LA while filming new movie “Jonah Hex”, a rumor neither Brolin’s nor Lane’s publicists will talk about (Hollywood divorce lawyers are already salivating).


• “The Hour” (CBC) – Alt-country singer Steve Earle (“Townes”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Depeche Mode (“Sounds Of the Universe”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Country star Rodney Atkins (“15 Minutes”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – The Killers (“Day & Age”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – “American Idol” Kris Allen & runner-up Adam Lambert.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Prince (“LOtUSFLOW3R”); Jay’s first-ever guest from his first-ever show in 1992, Billy Crystal.


• AC/DC – Their homecoming “Black Ice” tour has busted Australian box office records by selling over a half-million tickets on the first day of sale. (The stadium tour isn’t even happening until February 2010!)
• Chris Brown – Today another hearing is scheduled in his assault case, when the judge decides if there’s enough evidence to proceed to trial. Brown’s attorney plans to seek dismissal of the case, claiming police leaks during the investigation. (This is LA … no one’s ever guilty.)
• James Brown – A judge has finally ended the bitter battle over the late soul singer’s estate. Half his assets go to a charitable trust, a quarter to his wife & young son, and the rest to his 6 adult children. Brown’s family has fought over his fortune ever since he died in 2006. (After 3 years of legal fees, the ‘fortune’ is now estimated at $1.98.)
• Madonna – After finally breaking his silence, her 22-year-old boy-toy Jesus Luz just won’t shut-up, now saying she is ‘beautiful’ and has ‘no visible faults’. (Dude, have you checked her hideously freakish arms lately?)
• TI – He reportedly wed his long-term girlfriend, Tameka ‘Tiny’ Cottle, in a private family ceremony in Miami FL on the weekend before heading off to prison this week.
• Weezer – They’ve agreed to a bizarre new deal with the creators of ‘Snuggie’, the goofy blanket with sleeves, to market their own logo-emblazoned version, the ‘Wuggie’, in stores later this year. (They are kidding … aren’t they?)

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The American Can” – Actor Will Smith has agreed to produce a movie telling the true story of a man who rescued hundreds of people after Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans LA. Ex-marine John Keller was nicknamed ‘The Can Man’ after saving 244 people from flooding during the disaster.
• “Guys & Dolls” – Brit director Guy Ritchie’s next project is said to be a reworking of the classic 1955 musical that starred Marlon Brando & Frank Sinatra. The filmmaker is reportedly now in Hollywood to begin writing a script. Word has it he’s already convinced action film star Jason Statham (“Transporter” movies) to show off his vocal talents in the remake.
• “Mercy Machine” – Al Pacino will play infamous right-to-die doc Jack Kevorkian in an upcoming HBO movie directed by Barry Levinson. Kevorkian, nicknamed ‘Dr Death’, made headlines in the ‘90s promoting physician-assisted suicide for terminal patients. He claims to have helped at least 130 people end their lives, for which he served 8 years in prison from 1999-2007. No release date for the movie is yet scheduled.
• “Thor” – Playing the father of ‘Captain Kirk’ in the new “Star Trek” movie has landed 25-year-old Aussie actor Chris Hemsworth the lead role in director Kenneth Branagh’s bigscreen adaptation of the Marvel comic book about the Viking god of thunder. It’s set for a June 2011 release.
• “Unbound Captives” – 50-year-old actress Madeleine Stowe’s decade-old screenplay about a frontiersman that helps a young woman whose children have been kidnaped by Comanches is finally getting the greenlight for production. Stowe will direct a heavyweight cast that includes Rachel Weisz, Hugh Jackman, and “Twilight” heartthrob Robert Pattinson.

If you own a pair of so-called ‘skinny jeans’, New Orleans LA neurologist Dr John England says you need to know about meralgia paresthetica or ‘tingling thigh syndrome’. It can feel as if your legs have gone to sleep or may cause a burning sensation. The symptoms are a result of pressure on the lateral femoral cutaneous nerve, which runs from the outside of the pelvis through the thigh. Anything tight around it can potentially compress the nerve. The situation is exacerbated if you’re also wearing high-heels. Fortunately, it’s almost always a temporary condition – just remove the jeans and the nerve should regenerate. (Trouble is, to get out of your skinny jeans you’ll need the Jaws-of-Life.)

A politician in Croatia has been elected mayor of the town of Prolozac in a landslide after running on a platform of total honesty. So honest, in fact, he promised voters that if elected he would … rip them off at every opportunity. Using the slogan “All for me – nothing for you”, Josko Risa convinced citizens they might as well vote for him because he won’t lie about corrupt politics. One supporter figures the town’s going to get ripped off no matter who takes over; at least Risa’s been up front about it. (We’ll vote for anyone who has one face.)
– Ananova News Service

Real products that had seemingly harmless names when & where they were first marketed …
• ‘Golden Gaytime’ (ice cream) … Australia.
• ‘Megapussi’ (potato chips) … Finland.
• ‘Pee Cola’ (soft drink) … Ghana.
• ‘SARS’ (soft drink) … New Zealand.
• ‘Shitto’ (sauce) … Ghana.
• ‘666′ (cold medicine) … USA.
• ‘Vergina’ (beer) … Greece.
• ‘Wack Off!’ (insect repellent) … Australia.

The recession is cramping the style of hip-hop artists and wannabes as many are finding it difficult to afford the diamond-encrusted pendants and heavy gold chains they’ve traditionally used to project an aura of outsized wealth. In an attempt to keep up appearances, celebrity jewelers say rappers are increasingly asking for medallions made with less precious stones and metals, some even quietly requesting cubic zirconia. (Just keepin’ it real!)
– “Wall Street Journal”


Jonathan Lee Riches has made the “Guinness Book of World Records” as the single person filing the most lawsuits ever … more than 4,000 by his count. What’s perhaps more impressive is the man nicknamed ‘Johnny Sue-nami’ has achieved the feat while incarcerated at a federal prison in Kentucky. Targets of his suits have included Britney Spears, Martha Stewart, Nostradamus, James Hoffa, the Eiffel Tower, Somali pirates, and the margarine product I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! So who’s he suing now? The Guinness people, for publishing his ‘legal masterpieces’ without permission. By the way, Riches acknowledges he’s receiving treatment for mental-health problems. (Ya think?)
– “Spokesman-Review”


We’re always hearing about species that are becoming extinct, but the International Institute for Species Exploration at Arizona State University has just announced a list of newly developed or newly discovered species from the past year. Among them …
• Hippocampus satomiae, a pea-sized seahorse (Indonesia).
• Coffea charrieriana, a caffeine-free coffee (Cameroon).
• Leptotyphlops carlae, believed to be the world’s smallest snake at just 4 inches. (Barbados).
• Tahina spectablilis, a palm plant that flowers itself to death (Madagascar).
• Phobaeticus chani, world’s longest insect with a stick-body measuring 14 inches (Malaysia).
• Microbacterium hatanonis, bacteria that live in hairspray (Japan).
– Condensed from


Close to 200 prisoners will cycle around France next month, watched by scores of guards on bicycles, in the first penal version of the “Tour de France”. For security purposes, the inmates will cycle in a pack and breakaway sprints will not be allowed. They’ll be accompanied by 124 guards and prison sports instructors. There will be no ranking by position, the idea being to foster positive values like teamwork and effort. One prisoner says the event will be … “a kind of escape for us, a chance to break away from the daily reality of prison”. (Indeed.)


Coca Cola produced in Mexico is still made with sugar (as opposed to corn syrup elsewhere), and many aficionados claim they can taste the difference, refusing to buy the ‘inferior’ American Coke. Unfortunately, a true scientific taste-test has never been performed. Unscientific online testing has varied widely in conclusions. (No matter the formula, it’ll give you a fat ass!)


1944 [65] Gladys Knight, Atlanta GA, oldies singer (“Midnight Train to Georgia”, & The Pips-“I Heard It Through the Grapevine”)

1945 [64] John Fogerty, Berkeley CA, oldies singer (“Centerfield”, w/CCR-“Proud Mary”)  FACTOID: Tonight his North American tour plays Copps Coliseum in Hamilton ON.

1964 [45] Phil Vassar, Lynchburg VA, country singer/songwriter (“Love Is a Beautiful Thing”, “In a Real Love”)

1968 [41] Kylie Minogue, Melbourne, Australia, pop singer (“All I See”, “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”)/occasional actress (“Moulin Rouge”)

1977 [32] Elisabeth Hasselbeck (Filarski), Cranston RI, TV co-host (“The View” since 2003)/former reality TV show contestant (“Survivor: The Australian Outback” 2001)

1985 [24] Colbie Caillat, Newbury Park CA, pop singer (“Realize”, “Bubbly”)


• “Amnesty International Day”, recognizing the need to protect human rights around-the-world. The organization strives to accomplish this by publicizing problems and encouraging citizens, governments, and politicians to take action.

• “Sierra Club Day”, celebrating the 1892 founding of the oldest, largest, and most influential grassroots environmental organization. Chapters throughout the US & Canada offer opportunities for local involvement, activism, and outdoor outings for 1.3 million members.


1939 [70] “Batman” comic books debut

1926 [83] ‘Canada Pension Plan’ wins approval in Parliament (you know, the thing that’s gonna run out before we get any)

1934 [75] The Dionne Quintuplets, world’s 1st quints known to survive infancy, are born near Callander ON

1995 [14] Jacques Villeneuve becomes 1st Canadian driver to win the “Indianapolis 500”

1974 [35] ‘Upside-Down Flight’ record is set at 2 hours, 15 minutes (hope this wasn’t a commercial flight!)

[Fri] Jay Leno’s final “Tonight Show” (NBC)
[Fri] Phil Spector sentenced (LA)
[Fri] “Drag Me to Hell”; “Up” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Hug Your Cat Day
[Sun] MTV Movie Awards (LA)
[Sun] World No-Tobacco Day
This Week Is … Week of Solidarity With The People of Non-Self-Governing Territories
This Month Is … Borderline Personality Disorder Month


• ‘Exploding Eye Patch’
• ‘Placebo Sunscreen’
• ‘Hobo Negligée’
• ‘Leaky-Mercury Anal Thermometer’
• ‘Asbestos Wig’
• ‘Mosquito-On-a-Stick’
• ‘Sexy Edible Shoe Insoles’
• ‘Halitosis: The Board Game’
• ‘Squirting Glass Eye’
• ‘Pet Fingernail’
– “Comedy By the Numbers”


What 3 ingredients would make a surefire recipe for disaster? How about …
• Dinner … Boss’ House … Booze.
• Dog … Mud Puddle … Couch.
• Wet Floor … Loose Shoelace … Stairs.
• Church … Wedding … Ex-Girlfriend.
• Test-Drive … Ferrari … Speed-Trap.
• Picnic … Bare Feet … Dog Doo.
– BS original

Quit starving yourself! Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Today’s Question: 2% of men admit the oldest of THESE they own are aged 20 or more years.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Underwear. (“USA Today”)


Wasting time is an important part of life.

Leave a comment