May 30, 2007

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007        Edition: #3542
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!

YESTERDAY actress Lindsay Lohan was reportedly set to re-enter rehab, this time at Malibu’s Promises facility, finally admitting she needs help after following up her SATURDAY DUI car crash by stumbling around upchucking outside Hollywood nightclub Teddy’s early MONDAY morning . . . TONIGHT is the season premiere of “Canada’s Next Top Model” (CityTV) as host Jay Manuel (“America’s Next Top Model”, “Style Her Famous”, “Fashion Police”) introduces 10 tall twiggy types trying for catwalk fame (using names like Tia, Mika, Cori and Mo) . . . TONIGHT “The Next Best Thing” premieres (ABC), a new reality show looking for the best celebrity impersonators (because all the singers, dancers, and comedians on Earth have already been shoved in front of a camera) . . . The website for Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has just added more song choices to pick from as her official campaign anthem, including Lenny Kravitz’s “Are You Gonna Go My Way”; Tina Turner’s “The Best” and “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” by the newly reunited Police  . . . Dutch TV production company Endemol, which originated the “Big Brother” concept, has a controversial new reality show called “The Big Donor Show” in which a terminally ill 37-year-old woman selects 1 of 3 patients to receive her kidneys with help from viewer advice via text messaging (producers defend the show by saying it will help highlight the difficulty of finding organ donors) . . . Victoria Beckham has reportedly nixed soccer star hubby David Beckham’s idea of having a tattoo of ‘St George & the Dragon’ inked on the back of his head (seems he’s REALLY excited about the possibility of playing for England’s national team again) . . . New figures show the lowest-rated TV reality shows for the 2006-07 season were “Beauty & The Geek”; “Celebrity Duets”; and, at the absolute bottom of the tank, “Pussycat Dolls Present” . . . And “Page 6” claims “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul did NOT break her nose tripping over her pet Chihuahua as widely reported, but instead had a shard of glass struck her in the face after pitching a fit and throwing something into a glass object, thus explaining why her beak didn’t seem broken on the season finalé (okay, we’re likely getting closer to the truth here – but what about the vodka shooters and the empty pill bottle?).

• Barenaked Ladies – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• Blake Lewis – THIS MORNING the “American Idol” runner-up is on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV).
• Eminem – British theater impresario Andrew Lloyd Webber says he’s interested in collaborating with him on a new stage production because his songwriting would make for great musical theater.
• Enrique Iglesias – He’s announced he & former Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova have split after 5 years as a couple and hints his hesitancy to have children was the deciding factor.
• Evanescence – TONIGHT the band’s new line-up performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Jordin Sparks – THIS AFTERNOON the newest “American Idol” is on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV). Jordin reportedly wears what’s called a ‘Purity Ring’, meaning she’s ‘saving herself’ for true love.
• Keith Urban – He’s told a UK reporter he’d like to have a child by NEXT YEAR. Wonder if he’s told wife Nicole Kidman? The North American leg of his world tour begins JUNE 8th in Phoenix.
• Nelly Furtado – TONIGHT the US leg of her “Get Loose Tour” kicks off in Hollywood FL.
• Ozzy Osbourne – TONIGHT he rocks “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC). Perhaps he’ll try to clarify details about this year’s ‘free’ “Ozzfest” tour, starting JULY 12th in Seattle WA. A report says fans wanting to attend may actually have to purchase special ‘packages’ to guarantee entry.
• Rihanna – The “Umbrella” hit-maker is following in the footsteps of Queen Latifah, Faith Hill and Brandy by becoming the new face of CoverGirl cosmetics in ads that debut NEXT MONTH.
• Shania Twain – She & producer hubby Mutt Lange have started work on her next album at their home studio in the mountains of New Zealand. If they need a change of scenery, they have another recording studio at their home outside Geneva, Switzerland. Life’s tough.

TODAY & tomorrow the “Jackson Family Memorabilia Auction” takes place at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, with more than 1,100 lots containing over 20,000 items, including stage costumes, gold & platinum records, contracts and other documents going under the hammer. Among the more intriguing items: Michael Jackson’s black fedora and military-style red coat with gold rope; a frilly pink ‘Mae West’ dress worn by Janet Jackson; and the contract for Jermaine Jackson’s nose job. The current owner, Universal Express, bought the material for $5 million from NJ businessman Henry Vaccaro, who took possession of the memorabilia in 2002 after a failed business venture wound up in bankruptcy court. Guernsey’s auction house expects the loot to fetch millions from bidders around-the-globe both in-person and online.
– StarPulse

• ‘Eco-Anxiety’ – Worry caused by concerns about the present and future state of the environment. A lot more people are suffering from this today than even a year ago.
• ‘E-Mail Bankruptcy’ – Being so swamped with e-mail messages that you delete them all and start over with a nice, fresh, empty inbox. Nothing like a good purge!
• ‘Globish’ – Simplified English that uses a limited vocabulary and basic syntax to help non-native English speakers communicate internationally, ie: “Where the KFC is?”

THIS WEEK the new boutique ‘By’ is opening in Barcelona, Spain, claiming to be the first bridal shop aimed specifically at gay men in Europe … and perhaps the world. Hey, who’s to argue? Among the upscale fashions on offer: designer rings; boxer shorts; bathrobes; and custom-made suits (some inlaid with 22-carat gold) priced at $2,000-to-$8,000. The store name was selected because each unique creation is ‘by’ one of the store’s exclusive designers. Owner Santiago Porrero says he began planning the enterprise after the Spanish government legalized gay marriage in 2005.
– “The Independent”

THIS WEEK Nielsen Media Research begins offering ratings for TV commercial breaks, instead of just the shows around them. Thanks to network-TV’s sliding ratings and viewers using DVRs to fast-forward through commercials, advertising agencies are looking at any and all creative methods of making ads more palatable to the public. Among recent innovations …
• Networks are inserting games, quizzes, and mini-dramas into commercial breaks. For instance, fans of NBC’s “Scrubs” are being asked trivia questions at the beginning of commercial breaks, with the answer appearing between ads.
• Some ads are being developed as self-contained entertainment features, ie: Ford’s “American Idol” music videos.
• More product pitches and placements are being incorporated right into programming.
• The CW network has introduced ‘Content Wraps’ where advertisers offer tips and interviews with TV stars that involve the company’s products.
• The CW is also putting together ‘Cwickies’,’ a series of 5-second ads that promote a longer ad coming up.
• TBS bunches a series of funny ads together and actually promotes them ahead of time.
• Seamless segues into a commercial are being used, such as the camera zooming in to a real ad playing on a TV in the scene of the show you’re watching.
In a lot of ways, what we’re seeing is a return to old-time radio, when sponsor messages were routinely woven right into the entertainment, as in Jack Benny’s radio show that included humorous ‘phone calls’ from sponsors. One industry guru advises a commercial now needs to be like a DVD extra … an added value, not an inconvenience. (All of this is good fodder for commercial radio stations looking for ways to survive the onslaught of satellite radio.)
– AP

• In Wilmington NC, a woman who robbed a Jacksonville FL bank has turned herself in to the Onslow County Sheriff’s Office, then bizarrely demanded that the friend she brought along should collect the reward for her arrest. The matter has been left up to the Crime Stoppers organization to decide. What do you think?
• In Toyohashi, Japan, a 27-year-old woman has been arrested after she allegedly bit a cop on the leg. The attack occurred after she was pulled over for erratic driving in the wee hours and made a series of loud drunken statements that were nonsensical. She’s been charged with obstructing police and may also face a DUI charge. BTW, the woman works for the Nagoya Broadcasting Company. Typecasting?
• In Berlin, Germany, the skeleton of a doctor who went missing 22 years ago in 1985 has been discovered on the roof of his own garage after his family decided to repair it. The remains were found wrapped in a blanket, alongside a bottle of Schnapps and some farewell suicide notes … that nobody ever found. You know you’re a loser when …

37-year-old South African adventurer Lewis Gordon Pugh, nicknamed ‘The Polar Bear’, plans to become the first to swim for 1 km (0.62 mi) at the North Pole in water temperatures that average -2 C (28 F). The swim will take place JULY 15th in an area that used to be completely frozen over at this time of year. The stunt is an attempt to further raise awareness of climate change.
– Sky News

1 in 4 greeting cards for high school/college graduation are designed to hold money.


1946 [61] Don Ferguson, Montréal QC, TV comic (“Royal Canadian Air Farce” since 1973)

1964 [43] Wynonna Judd (Christina Ciminella), Ashland KY, country singer (“To Be Loved By You”, “No One Else on Earth”/5 Grammy Awards with mom Naomi as The Judds (“Love Can Build a Bridge”, “Rockin’ With The Rhythm Of The Rain”)/sister of actress Ashley Judd/sister-in-law of 2007 “Indianapolis 500” winner Dario Franchitti

1964 [43] Tom Morello, Harlem NY, rock guitarist (Audioslave-“Doesn’t Remind Me”, Rage Against The Machine-“Guerrilla Radio”)

1971 [36] Patrick Dahlheimer, York PA, alt-rock bassist (Live-“Turn My Head”, “Lightning Crashes”)

1974 [33] Cee-Lo (Thomas Callaway), Atlanta GA, rapper/vocalist/songwriter/producer (Gnarls Barkley-“Crazy”)

• “Joan of Arc Feast Day” in France, honoring the ‘Maid of Orleans’ who was condemned as a heretic and burned at the stake at age 19 in the year 1431. To celebrate, grill a steak!

• “Senior Health & Fitness Day”, the 14th annual celebrated on the last WEDNESDAY of MAY as part of “Seniors’ Month” activities.

• “Water a Flower Day”, because nourishing a little bit of natural beauty may be the only worthwhile thing you do all day today.

1996 [11] After a 10-year stint with Mary Hart, John Tesh co-anchors his last edition of TV’s “Entertainment Tonight” before pursuing a career as a New Age music composer, and eventually … syndicated radio jock

1981 [26] The ‘Compact Disc’ (CD) is introduced (and 1st consumer pitches a fit trying to open the shrinkwrap)

1889 [118] 1st ‘Brassiere’ is invented (next day, the 1st teenage boy has trouble fumbling with the clasp)

1896 [111] 1st ‘Auto Accident’ as motorist Henry Wells of Springfield MA hits bicyclist Evelyn Thomas on a NYC street, breaking her leg (she’s immediately contacted by the 1st ‘Personal Injury Attorney’)

1975 [32] Yukon & the Northwest Territories are given seats in Canada’s Senate (so geezers from the Far North can also collect big bucks to soak up the sun in Mexico)

1979 [28] Ted Coombs begins a successful 5,193-mile roller-skate from LA to NYC

[Thurs] Macaroon Day
[Thurs] Save Your Hearing Day
[Thurs] World No-Tobacco Day
[Thurs] “Pirate Master” debuts (CBS/CTV)
This Week Is … Week of Solidarity With the People of Non-Self-Governing Territories
This Month Is … Haitian Heritage Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Make sure you’re back in time for dinner!
• Taurus – Today you will find yourself up the creek with a large selection of paddles with you. Excellent planning on your part!
• Gemini – You look ridiculous in that. Go change.
• Cancer – Today you’ll discover it’s bad luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
• Leo – Today you will find you are capable of ‘channeling’ when you start spouting ancient Sumerian curses at a short little twerp who cuts you off in traffic.
• Virgo – They say the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. The smart thing to do is fire your mice.
• Libra – Excellent time to do some personal re-engineering. Face it, your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer.
• Scorpio – Congratulations! Planet alignment indicates you’re going to have a wonderful day … about 18 months from today.
• Sagittarius – Tomorrow when you wake up you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. At some time during the night you’ll have been visited by the nostril-hair fairy.
• Capricorn – Today someone named ‘Vlad’ will appear at your door carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement you will let him in.
• Aquarius – You find that after all these years you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. Ironically, you will find that frightening.
• Pisces – Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it!

• Rosie O’Donnell as a TV personality. She seriously expects someone to pay her $40 million a year to biatch?
• Celebrities who are only famous for being famous. A decade down the line, losers like Lindsay and Paris will be nothing more than pop culture footnotes.
• The “Miss Universe Pageant”. We already can’t remember who won this year. Was it Miss Afghanistan or Miss Pago Pago?
• Coffee chain coffee (Starbucks, Tim Horton’s, etc). Why do people actually line up for this stuff? Take away the real cream and all the sugar content and your home brew is far better.
• Sliced bread. Lots of bread tastes much better, including a crunchy French baguette or piping hot homemade fresh from the oven.
• The Stanley Cup Championship … in JUNE. Nothing’s more irritating than trying to watch hockey on your cellphone with beach sand stuck in your crack.
• Acting your age. What’s the freakin’ point? Kids wanna be older; adults wanna be younger.
• ‘Cross-Over Vehicles’. People, these are just old-fashioned ‘Station Wagons’ with a makeover. How can they be considered in any way ‘cool’?
• “Pirates of the Caribbean”. Come on, can you follow the storyline? Take away the stunts and the buff bods and you’re left with a guy wearing far too much mascara mumbling incoherently.
• Pharmaceuticals. Ever listen to the fast-talk disclaimer at the end of TV ads for medication? The stuff can cause worse symptoms than those you’re already suffering!
Open up your phone lines and let listeners add to the list!

What are the qualities that make a man a man? (A “Glamour” magazine poll finds 95% of males think it means ‘enjoying a look at attractive women’. What about chugging a beer in 6 seconds?)

Sometimes I look around and marvel that people are entrusted with fire.

Today’s Question: Men are 10% more likely to do THIS in front of their partners.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Undress.

Courage isn’t having the strength to go on, it’s going on when you don’t have the strength.

Sweet! Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s “BS”.

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