May 1, 2012

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Tuesday, May 1, 2012        Edition: #4739

Thanks a Sheetload for Choosing “BS”!

Yesterday at the last minute, ailing 71-year-old actor Ryan O’Neal cancelled an appearance on NBC-TV’s “Today” to flog his new memoir, “Both Of Us, My Life With Farrah”, saying he didn’t feel well (when you’ve got stage 2 prostate cancer, you’ve got a legit excuse) . . . Britain’s “Daily Star” tabloid reports Whitney Houston’s family has tired of paying security guards and decided to encase her remains in concrete to prevent people from stealing the $800,000-worth of jewelry she’s buried with (we’d be amazed if she had $800 when she died) . . . Katy Perry and Nicole Scherzinger are said to be among those under consideration to fill Kelly Rowland’s vacant seat on the judging panel of the UK version of “The X Factor” (can anyone work with Cowell more than a year or 2?) . . . Meantime, Katy Perry has off-loaded the Tribeca duplex she once shared with estranged husband Russell Brand, the 2-bedroom pad selling for close to its $2.75 million asking price (in NYC that’s cheap – must have been a postage stamp!) . . . Seems Ryan Seacrest is ready to move on to bigger & better things after finalizing his NBC-Universal deal, putting his 6-bedroom Mediterranean mansion in Hollywood Hills up for sale at just under $12 million (he can afford his own country now) . . . Movie actor Taylor Kitsch has been named ‘Male Star of Tomorrow’ at CinemaCon in Las Vegas (after “John Carter” flopped bigtime, we sure know he’s not the male star of today) . . . “Jersey Shore” star Snooki Polizzi says pregnancy has made her ‘more mature’ (not too difficult) . . . Actress Felicity Huffman has posted a bunch of cast photos online from the final script read-through on the “Desperate Housewives” set in which she and her co-stars are all makeup free (check it out – you too will be asking who are these women?) . . . And it seems women aren’t the only ones susceptible to wardrobe malfunctions – Kanye West’s pants fell down while leaving a restaurant with Kim Kardashian in NYC the other night (word has it he was totally em-bare-assed).

• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV2) – Gavin DeGraw (“Sweeter”) performs; the couples face elimination.
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – Carrie Underwood (“Blown Away”, out today).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Civil Twilight (“Holy Weather”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – LP (“Into the Wild”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Santigold (“Master of My Make-Believe”, out today).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Father John Misty (“Fear Fun”).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Jason Mraz (“Love Is a Four-Letter Word”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Lee Brice (“Hard 2 Love”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Lady Antebellum (“Own the Night”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV) – Performances by Kid Cudi and Cyndi Lauper; the contestants face elimination.

✓ “Last Man Standing” (ABC)

• BoB – His 2nd studio album, “Strange Clouds”, is released today. It features cameos by Chris Brown w/TI, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, and Taylor Swift, plus the legendary voice of actor Morgan Freeman.
• Bonnie Raitt – Tonight at First Council Casino in Newkirk, Oklahoma, the blues singer-songwriter kicks of a North American tour in support of her new album “Slipstream”. Some are calling her 16th studio album one of the best of her 40-year career.
• “Every Mother Counts 2012” – This fundraising compilation available exclusively at Starbucks today-May 29th includes tracks by Alanis Morissette, Bono w/The Edge, Coldplay, Dave Matthews Band, Eddie Vedder and more. The project supports model Christy Turlington Burns’ campaign to reduce maternal mortality rates worldwide.
• Greg Allman – His new memoir “My Cross to Bear” is out today, even though a promotional tour has had to be postponed due to his ill health. The 64-year-old rock and blues singer, a founding member of Allman Bros Band, was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 1995.
• “Marvel’s Avengers Assemble” – Today’s release of this compilation of ‘music from and inspired by the motion picture’ (out Friday) includes tracks by Buckcherry, Evanescence, Five Finger Death Punch, Papa Roach, Rise Against, Scott Weiland, Shinedown, and Soundgarden.
• Marilyn Manson – His 8th studio album “Born Villain” is released today, featuring an unlikely bonus track collaboration with actor Johnny Depp on the Carly Simon classic “You’re So Vain”.
• Red Hot Chili Peppers – Today they release a digital all-covers EP titled “We Salute You” which features a mix of live and studio performances. Among the artists whose tunes are covered: Beach Boys, David Bowie, Dion & The Belmonts, Iggy Pop & The Stooges, Neil Young, and the Ramones.
• Rihanna – UK’s “The Sun” reports she’s landed a role as a villain in the next “Fast & Furious” movie, to be shot in London. She makes her bigscreen debut in “Battleship”, opening May 18th.

• “Joyful Noise” ( PG-13 Musical Comedy ): It’s “Glee” with old people and gospel music. Queen Latifah plays the newly-appointed director of a choir who faces opposition over the group’s direction as they head into a national competition. Co-stars Dolly Parton.
• “Haywire” ( R-Rated Action Thriller ): Mixed-martial artist Gina Carano stars as a black-ops super-soldier who seeks payback after she’s set up during a mission. Cast includes Antonio Banderas, Channing Tatum, Ewan McGregor, Michael Douglas, Michael Fassbender.
• “New Year’s Eve” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ): The lives of several couples and singles in NYC intertwine over the course of one December 31st in this sorta-sequel to 2010’s “Valentine’s Day”. Cast includes Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Biel, Katherine Heigl, Robert De Niro, Zac Efron.
• “W.E.” ( R-Rated Romantic Drama ): Madonna’s much-maligned movie tells the story of a lonely New Yorker (Abbie Cornish) obsessed with what she perceives as the ultimate love story: King Edward’s VIII’s abdication of the British throne for American divorcée Wallis Simpson.
• Also released today: “Covert Affairs: Season 2” (TV); “Felicity: Seasons 1 & 2” (Vintage TV); “Flicka: Country Pride” (straight-to-video sequel); “The Invisible Man: The Complete Series” (Vintage TV); “Men in Black” (1997 Action Comedy); “Phil Collins: Live at Monreux 2004” (Music); “Sesame Street: Singing With the Stars” (Family); and “Suits: Season 1” (TV).

• LED Shower Light – A showerhead with a light that shines blue when the water is cold and red when the temperature rises above 89 F (32 C). For $40, you save getting your hand wet.
• Signature III Soap Dispensers – Wall-mounted, push-button dispensers for soap, shampoo, conditioner, etc that can be affixed to the wall. For $50, you save trying to read the fine print.
• The Droodle – A wall-mounted pad of 25 pages of water-resistant paper that can be used with a standard pencil or pen. For $15, you can save that brilliant inspiration you just came up with.
• iSplash Wireless Speaker System – Access music from your iPod or iPhone while it’s safely docked in another room. For $120, you spare your family from your off-key singing.
• Speakman Hotel Showerhead – Boasts 50 powerful full-body sprays, 8 pulsating massages, and enough power to pin you to the wall. For $57, you can pretend you’re on the road again.
– Adapted from

A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 63% of people pray before placing a bet. (37% know they haven’t got a prayer of winning.)
• 57% of people will tell you if you have food stuck between your teeth. (“Is that a drumstick?”)
• 35% of us text someone after ‘getting intimate’. (“Hi honey, I’ll be a bit late getting home.”)
• 30% of married couples fight the most often over laundry. (“Don’t touch my work clothes!”)
• 18% of people will tell you if you have dandruff. (“Need me to shovel your shoulders?”)
• 10% of men admit they can not change a flat tire. (However, 76% of men have a ‘spare tire’.)


• BASE Jumping – BASE is an acronym for the 4 types of objects from which participants jump off: Buildings, Aerials, Spans (bridges), and Earth (cliffs). Better hope your ‘chute opens!
• Bull Running – Held in towns across Spain and Portugal but the most famous event is in Pamplona, where 200-to-300 are injured annually and 16 people have been killed since 1910.
• Cave Diving – A combination of scuba and caving that requires specialized equipment to scout out caves which are at least partially filled with water. A double dose of claustrophobia!
• High Altitude Climbing – In this sport gravity has to queue up for its chance to kill you, as hypoxia, hypothermia, frostbite, and pneumonia all have prior reservations.
• Motorcycle Racing – The most dangerous motorsport in the world. At the Isle of Man Tourist Trophy event alone, some 220 lives have been lost throughout its hundred-year history.
– Condensed from


People who get on with their boss have better promotion prospects even if they lack intelligence or are not suited for a new role, a new poll of businesses has found. The survey, of more than 1,500 firms across 5 continents, appears to support the age-old adage that it’s not what you know but who you know that gets you ahead on-the-job. Researchers have concluded that a poor relationship with superiors is the #1 hindrance to a person’s career. Interestingly, having poor intellect has been found to be an unimportant factor when it comes to promotion. (And we see the quintessential example of that walking by our studio window right now …)


There is a sea squirt found in the seas near Japan that digests … its own brain. When the sea squirt is mature, it permanently attaches itself to a rock. At this point it does not need to move anymore and has no need for a brain. So, waste not want not, it eats it.


1950 [62] Dann Florek, Flat Rock MI, TV actor (‘Capt Donnie Cragen’ on “Law & Order Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1967 [45] Tim McGraw, Delhi LA, country singer (“Better Than I Used to Be”, “Southern Voice”)/movie actor (“The Blind Side”, “Friday Night Lights”)/Mr Faith Hill since 1996

1972 [40] Julie Benz, Pittsburgh PA, TV actress (“No Ordinary Family” 2010-11, “Dexter” 2006-10)

• “Couple Appreciation Day”, a day to tell a duo how cool you think they are together. Something to do with encouraging a marriage. (Or maybe a ménage?)

• “May Day”, a traditional holiday celebration since ancient times. Since 1889, it’s been officially observed in some 66 countries as a “Labor Day” holiday. The British still enjoy a “May Day” holiday, which was traditionally a Celtic festival called “Beltane”, when the beginning of Summer was greeted with great bonfires in honor of the Sun. In Hawaii, today is “Lei Day”, observed since 1928, when people give one another the gift of a kiss and a lei (it’s a long way to go for a lei). A few facts about May 1st …
– In ancient times today was celebrated by … getting it on in the woods! As late as the 16th Century it was still customary for the ‘humbler classes’ to venture out in at an early hour to gather flowers which they later brought home … ‘with all possible signs of joy and merriment’.
– Dancing round a maypole wasn’t always merely skipping with ribbons, it was … ritual phallus worship! Afterward, the dancers would ‘head for the open meadows’.
– The Victorians de-sexed the maypole by giving it long ribbons, unknown before 1830, that were elaborately plaited by dancing children.
– The use of ‘May Day’ as a distress signal is thought to have developed as an anglicized version of the French word m’aidez (help me).

• “Mother Goose Day”, which actually honors many different writers. The term was first used in the title of the nursery rhyme collection “Mother Goose’s Melody” about 1765. The name caught on and nursery rhymes have been attributed to ‘Mother Goose’ ever since. What’s the most violent nursery rhyme? “Rock-a-Bye Baby”? “Jack & Jill”?

• “New Homeowner’s Day”. Congratulations, you’ll be debt-free in about 25 years! Got your repair manual yet?

• “Save the Rhino Day” … and trade ‘em with your friends!

• “School Principals Day”. It’s a dirty job but some militaristic Nazi’s gotta do it!

• “World Asthma Day”, observed each year on the 1st Tuesday in May. Organized by the Global Initiative for Asthma (GINA), the aim is to raise awareness of asthma and improve asthma care throughout the world.

✓ US president Barack Obama announces that terrorist Osama bin Laden has been killed by Navy SEAL Team Six in Abbottabad, Pakistan (due to the time difference, it’s May 2nd in Pakistan)

✓ Pope John Paul II is beatified by his successor, Pope Benedict XVI (step 3 on the road to sainthood)

1939 [73] “Batman” debuts as a comic strip hero in DC Comics


1967 [45] Elvis Presley weds Priscilla Beaulieu at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas (divorce in 1973)

1941 [71] ‘Cheerios’ breakfast cereal is introduced (sells far better than ‘Glumios’)


2005 [07] Fishermen in northern Thailand catch a 293-kilo (646-lb), 2.7-m (8.9-ft) Mekong giant catfish, the largest freshwater fish ever recorded


[Thurs] Different Colored Shoes Day
[Thurs] Paranormal Day
[Fri] “The Avengers” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] International Firefighters Day
[Fri] No Pants Day
[Fri] Tuba Day
[Fri] Respect for Chickens Day
This Week Is … Teacher Appreciation Week
This Month Is … International Business Image Improvement Month


• Where the heck does the ‘o’ come from when we abbreviate the word ‘number’ to ‘no.’?
• Shouldn’t a ‘French kiss’ involve pecking someone on each cheek?
• Did Noah keep his bees in ‘archives’?
• What is the opposite of ‘medium’?
• Is ‘crumby’ bread good or bad?


☎ What tacky or horrendously ugly gift do you feel forced to haul out and put on display when whoever gave it to you comes to visit?


When it was founded in 1636, it was surrounded by a tall stockade to keep out wolves and hostile natives. What was it?
a. Harvard University. [CORRECT]
b. Québec City.
c. The Vatican.


If it’s true that we learn from our mistakes, I’m getting a fantastic education.


Question: On average, we do THIS 125 times per year.
Answer: Sneeze.


Middle age is when you smile at things that used to make you laugh.

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