Monday, May 2, 2011 Edition: #4596
Good Morning, Sheetheads!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Saturday Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon simultaneously celebrated their 3rd wedding anniversary while also becoming parents to a baby boy & girl at 9:07 am PDT. Cannon, who drove her to the hospital himself in their Rolls Royce Phantom, tweeted that they listened to Mariah’s “We Belong Together” after the babes were born. Mariah’s rep says the twins have not been named as yet. (‘Howitzer Cannon’? ‘Harry Carey’? ‘Cassion Carey’? )
• 32-year-old actress Katie Holmes (Mrs Tom Cruise) has settled a $50-million lawsuit against “Star Magazine” over a cover story inferring she’s a drug addict. The tabloid has published an apology saying it ‘did not intend to suggest that Ms Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for drug addiction’. Holmes is donating her undisclosed cash settlement to the Dizzy Feet Foundation, which provides dance classes to underprivileged children. (Because when you’re extremely hungry, what you really want to do is rumba.)
– PA News
• 26-year-old actress Scarlett Johansson & 50-year-old actor Sean Penn have gone public with their rumored relationship as they were photographed holding hands following the White House Correspondents Association dinner in Washington DC Saturday night. A rep had previously denied any intimate relationship, claiming they’ve simply been ‘friends for years’. (Now those ‘benefits’ are paying off.)
• Lawyers for Dr Conrad Murray hope a previously unpublished police file which reveals Michael Jackson hid cocaine in his underwear could help Jackson’s former physician to walk free from involuntary manslaughter charges. The report, from a 2003 child molestation investigation, also reveals that officers found 500 bottles of prescription medication at Neverland Ranch. It’s thought the file may help convince the jury that Jackson was hooked on drugs and therefore responsible for his own death. (“If the man did hits, you must acquit.”)
– “News Of the World”
• And engaged sorta singer Jessica Simpson insists her bridal outfit will be even better than new British royal Kate Middleton’s. Quote: “I’ll out-do her! I’m all about the dress and wait until you see my heels for the wedding.” Simpson has reportedly lost 20 lbs in less than 2 months in preparation for her upcoming wedding to former NFL player Eric Johnson sometime before the end of the year. (Further proof money cannot buy class.)
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – James Blunt (“Some Kind Of Trouble”).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – The remaining contestants perform.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – kd lang (“Sing It Loud”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Screaming Females (“Castle Talk”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – 1970s-80s band Ambrosia.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Las Vegas entertainers Donny & Marie Osmond.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – 63-year-old frontman Steven Tyler opens up in this week’s “People” magazine about his 4 kids, 8 rehabs, and stunning comeback as an “American Idol” judge. Quote: “Left up to my own devices, I probably would have been dead several times over.”
• Bon Jovi – It’s been announced that guitarist Richie Sambora will sit out their upcoming tour of North America and Europe, as he will enter rehab to deal with his drinking problems.
• Cher – Her American Express card is also in her stage name. It reads simply ‘Cher’.
• Jennifer Hudson – After dropping 4 dress sizes in less than 2 years, she says fiancé David Otunga has asked her not to lose any more weight.
• Justin Bieber – Friday night he was pelted with eggs during a show in Sydney, Australia. Two messy missiles smashed at his feet, while another 4 splattered across the front of the stage.
• Lady Gaga – She won 2 awards at MTV’s first-ever “O Music Awards” for music in digital spaces: ‘Most Innovative Artist’ and ‘Must Follow Artist on Twitter’.
• Luke Bryan – “Country Girl (Shake It For Me)” has debuted as the #1 country digital single.
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A statistical breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 78% of people polled say they believe in life after death. (“Cause this job is a living hell!”)
• 61% of married people say they’d want to know the truth if their spouse cheated. (Complete with dates and times for the alimony case.)
• 57% of single women say the royal wedding has at least somewhat pushed them toward trying to find a soulmate. (Unfortunately, watching it on TV for 6 hours only pushed them toward the fridge.)
• 35% of couples say that having adequate savings is important in a relationship. (Hope Kate asked William about that!)
• 17% of those who purchase exercise equipment use it more than once a week. (For most of us, the elliptical machine is an expensive doorstop.)
• 12% of us believe in ‘lucky charms’, which we carry with us whenever possible. (People actually go around with breakfast cereal in their pocket?)
THINKING ON HOLD:
While measuring electrical waves in the human brain, a University of Wisconsin research team has discovered that some nerve cells in tired-yet-awake individuals can briefly go ‘offline’. These parts of the brain taking ‘naps’ to recharge can cause moments of absent-mindedness such as losing your keys or putting the cereal box in the fridge. The study concludes that even before you feel fatigued, there are signs in the brain that you should stop activities that require alertness. (Particularly on a Monday morning.)
– “Daily Telegraph”
DRUMMERS GET THE LAST LAUGH:
Seems everyone knows a drummer joke. It’s difficult to spend long with musicians or music industry types without being told one. (“Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither.”) But this all has to change, according to a new article in “New Yorker” magazine. It suggests that drummers’ brains are actually better than everyone else’s when it comes to timing. (Which reminds us … what do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted.)
GREATEST WORKING MOVIE DIRECTORS:
A new ranking of today’s top film directors …
5. Darren Aronofsky (“Black Swan”, “The Wrestler”).
4. Martin Scorsese (“Shutter Island”, “The Departed”).
3. Steven Spielberg (“Indiana Jones” films, “Schindler’s List”).
2. Christopher Nolan (“Inception”, “The Dark Knight”).
1. David Fincher (“The Social Network”, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”).
AIN’T GONNA BUMP NO MORE:
In Britain, 3 amusement parks have now banned bumping … in bumper car rides. Employees have been instructed to ban anyone found guilty. Bemused customers are being told to drive around slowly in circles rather than crash into anyone, likely out of fear that an injury could result in the park being sued. Dissidents note that no one in Britain has ever successfully sued a ride owner over injuries sustained in a bumper car ride. The cars are equipped with gigantic rubber bumpers as well as seatbelts. Will airbags be next? (They might have to rename them.)
A new study by Swedish and Swiss researchers has found that city-dwelling birds have larger brains relative to their body size than their rural peers. The scientists think that the larger brains of these so-called ‘urban adapters’ make the birds more able to cope with the changeable conditions of city living. (This is why a seemingly dumb-as-a-post pigeon can precisely target your windshield when your car is parked 150 ft below.)
– “Globe & Mail”
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Unless your name is Bruce Lee, you might want to avoid Hong Kong Airlines. Tired of drunks and other unruly passengers, the airline is training all members of its cabin crews in kung fu.
• French police are currently allowed 250 ml (8.45 oz) of wine or a small beer with their lunch while on duty.
– “BBC News Magazine”
BS CHRONOMETER 05.02.11
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950  Lou Gramm (Grammatico), Rochester NY, classic rock singer (Foreigner-“I Want to Know What Love Is”, “Feels Like the First Time”)
1955  Donatella Versace, Reggio di Calabria, Italy, fashion designer (Vice-President & Chief Designer, Versace Group)/brother of late designer Gianni Versace
1972  Dwayne Johnson (‘The Rock’), Hayward CA, movie actor (“Fast Five”, “Get Smart”)/6′-5”, 272-lb former WWE wrestler (1996-2004)
1975  David Beckham, London UK, soccer star (LA Galaxy, ex-England nationals)/wed to Spice Girl Victoria Adams in 1999/father to Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz … and soon ‘Santa’?
1979  Jason Chimera, Edmonton AB, NHL winger (Washington Capitals)
1980  Troy Murphy, Morristown NJ, NBA basketball forward (Boston Celtics)
1980  Ellie Kemper, Kansas City MO, TV actress (receptionist ‘Erin Hannon’ on “The Office” since 2009)
1985  Lily Allen, London UK, pop singer (“The Fear”, “Smile”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Be Kind to Smelly People Day”. So we what … hose them down and introduce them to hygiene products?
• “Canadian Election Day”.
BS REASONS TO EXERCISE YOUR RIGHT TO VOTE TODAY:
• Likely the only ‘exercise’ you’ll get.
• Chance to revisit that stinky school gym you grew to know and love.
• Opportunity to connect with neighborhood seniors as they check your name off & hand you a ballot.
• Gives you something to talk about besides hockey and weather.
• You’re lucky to live in Canada … vote because you CAN!
• “Labor Day” in 140 nations. Celebrated May 1st except when the date falls on a weekend. Canada & the USA are the only nations that observe “Labor Day” in September.
• “Melanoma Monday”, to help raise public awareness about malignant melanoma, a potentially fatal form of skin cancer and encourage early detection through screening.
• “Play Your Ukulele Day”, when you’re encouraged to play a ukulele, share your ukulele, and teach someone else how to play. PYUD … ‘changing the world 4 strings at a time’.
• “Sibling Appreciation Day”, a day to let brothers & sisters know you care. (Or maybe to add up all the times you got ratted on, your hair pulled, your dessert stolen … and get even!)
• “Telecommuting Day”, to encourage employers to develop programs for employees to work at home at least part of the time (aka ‘Work in Your Bathrobe Day’).
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1994  ‘Ron’ & ‘Erik’ tie the knot on “Northern Exposure” (CBS) in the first ‘Gay Wedding’ on a TV series
1997  Mike Myers’ “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” opens in movie theaters
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1611  ‘King James’ version of “The Bible” is first published in London UK (most quoted book?)
1876  1st MLB ‘Home Run’ (Chicago White Stockings’ Ross Barnes vs Cincinnati Red Stockings)
1986  “Expo 86” opens in Vancouver (22 million visit over the next 5 months)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1991  ‘Longest Taxi Ride’ leaves Nokia, Finland for 15-day, 14,414-mile trip to Spain and back with the meter running up a total cost $16,000 … not including tip
2010  ‘World’s Oldest Living Person’, Kama Chinen of Japan, dies 8 days before her 115th birthday
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Garden Meditation Day
[Tues] Disabled Pets Day
[Tues] Different Colored Shoes Day
[Tues] Paranormal Day
[Tues] World Asthma Day
[Wed] Respect for Chickens Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Anxiety & Depression Awareness Week / Astronomy Week / Be Kind to Animals Week / Bread Pudding Recipe Exchange Week / Correctional Officers Week / Children’s Book Week / Children’s Mental Health Week / Dating & Life Coach Recognition Week / Drinking Water Week / Flexible Work Arrangement Week / Goodwill Industries Week / Pet Week / North American Occupational Safety & Health Week / Update Your References Week / Wildflower Week / Work at Home Moms Week
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
WORST BS THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER:
• “I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.”
• “Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.”
• “Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?”
• “I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.”
• “I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.”
• “You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?”
• “That’s terrific, officer! That last cop only gave me a warning too.”
• “Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?”
– First published in “BS” 1999
BS PHONE STARTER:
If you could have the world’s best collection of any one thing, what would it be?
QUICKIE MOTHERS DAY CONTESTS:
• ‘Mystery Mothers Mix-up’: Put together a collage of famous TV moms. The contestant who correctly identifies them all wins a prize for their mom and themselves.
• ‘Say the Word’: Contestant conferenced with mom on phone must get her to say a particular word or phrase through normal discussion and without prompting.
BS RANDOM JOKE:
I’ve suffered enough, when does my artwork improve?
TRUTH OR BS?
• A male ballet dancer was originally called a ‘ballerino’. [True]
• Canada has 20% of the world’s supply of fresh water. [True]
• Hawaii is made up of 14 separate islands. [BS. 122 islands.]
• The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. [True]
• The average lifespan of a Major League baseball is 22 pitches. [BS. Just 5-to-7 pitches.]
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you want your son to grow up to be THIS, you may want to name him ‘Peter’ as it’s the most common name for someone who does THIS for a living.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: CEO. For female CEOs, ‘Deborah’ is most common.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Anal retentive people don’t give a crap.