May 22 2020

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Friday, May 22, 2020   Edition: #6703

Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

★ Lori Loughlin and her fashion designer husband, Mossimo Giannulli have agreed to plead guilty to charges in the college admissions bribery case and serve prison time. The couple agreed to plead guilty to conspiracy to commit wire and mail fraud in a plea agreement filed in Boston’s federal court. The charge carries up to 20 years in prison and a fine of $250,000. Prosecutors have agreed to dismiss charges of money laundering and federal programs bribery that were added after the case was filed. Loughlin has agreed to serve two months in prison and Giannulli has agreed to serve five months. The plea deal must be approved by the judge.
★ The 2021 Oscar ceremony is likely to be delayed due to the coronavirus pandemic, according to a report. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is considering the situation, and the Oscars, currently set to take place on February 28, 2021, will probably be postponed. However, no formal discussions are thought to have yet taken place. The rapid shutdown of film production and cinemas has thrown the Oscars schedule into chaos, with many films only being released online.
(The good news is that when they do end up having a ceremony, it’ll only be a half-hour long!)
★ Oprah Winfrey is looking out for folks in the cities she’s called home … giving grants totalling $12 million through her Oprah Winfrey Charitable Foundation to underserved communities in places she’s lived — Baltimore, Chicago, Milwaukee and Nashville — and Kosciusko, Miss., where she was born. She says wealthy people need to step up and donate, because the novel coronavirus is not going away, and even when it IS gone, people will still be reeling from the devastation it’s causing their livelihoods, particularly those who live paycheck to paycheck. She’s donating to the 5 cities she once called home because she says it’s important to look into your own backyard to see how you can help those less fortunate.
★ Miss Piggy, Kermit The Frog and the rest of the Muppets gang are set to reunite for an all-new series on Disney+. According to Disney, “‘Muppets Now” will be overflowing with spontaneous lunacy, surprising guest stars and more frogs, pigs, bears (and whatevers) than legally allowed. “Muppets Now” premieres July 31 on Disney+.

• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Jennifer Lopez, Henry Winkler, Twenty One Pilots
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Nathan Lane, José Andrés (R)
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Yuval Noah Harari, Lewis Capaldi (R)
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Zach Braff, Donald Faison
• “The Talk” (CBS): Nicole Byer
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Feel Good Friday
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Rob Gronkowski, Hozier
• “The Kelly Clarkson Show” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): A new Message From Montana, repeat segments with Kristin Chenoweth, Bindi & Robert Irwin (R)
• “The Disney Family Singalong: Volume II” (ABC): Ryan Seacrest hosts; featuring celebrities and their families as they take on their favorite Disney tunes from their homes; onscreen lyrics allow viewers to sing along.
• “All on the Line” (DISCOVERY): Series premiere. To keep their family businesses afloat, two fishing boats band together in their hunt for giant bluefin tuna, battling the rough North Atlantic to land fish that could be worth upwards of $20,000.
• “AKA Jane Roe” (FX): A portrait of Norma McCorvey, aka Jane Roe, whose unwanted pregnancy led to the 1973 “Roe vs. Wade” case that legalized abortion nationwide. McCorvey later switches sides to crusade as an anti-abortion activist.

• “The Secret Life of Pets” (NBC): A terrier (Louis C.K.) and his unruly canine pal (Eric Stonestreet) encounter a rebellious bunny (Kevin Hart) and his gang of abandoned pets.

• “Celebrity Family Feud” (ABC): Celebrity contestants include The Chainsmokers, 5 Seconds of Summer, Boris Kodjoe, Nicole Ari Parker, Roselyn Sanchez and Eric Winter.
• “Little Big Shots” (NBC): Season 4 finale
• “NASCAR Cup Series” (FOX): The Coca-Cola 600 at Charlotte Motor Speedway. NASCAR’s longest race of 2020 has Martin Truex Jr. defending his 2019 crown.

• Miley Cyrus — has recorded a collaboration with Billy Idol. ‘Night Crawling’ will be a part of her upcoming ”super rock and roll” album. The two have previously shared the stage in Las Vegas for a rendition of Idol’s 1983 hit ‘Rebel Yell’.
• Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande – Their collaboration ‘Rain on Me’ comes out today. They teased the single on social media with a pic showing them channeling a Max Max-style vibe. Gaga’s new album “Chromatica” drops on May 29.
• Lorde — After several years of silence, she has announced that new music is on the way. She’s used lockdown to get her creative juices flowing after the death of her beloved dog, Pearl. In an email to fans, she says she feels they’ll be buzzing when they hear her new material.
• Sia — In an interview on Tuesday, she announced that she adopted two 18-year-old sons last year. She explained that the two were aging out of the foster care system.
• Bananarama — are set to release a memoir detailing the ”highs and lows of fame”. They will launch their book, “Really Saying Something”, on October 29.
• Van Halen – Former singer Sammy Hagar says that in regards to a reunion, “I foresee it happening.” Hagar says that although there are currently no plans or talks happening, “I just know what I know in my heart and my head, which is that it has to happen.”
• Neil Young — has dropped his latest Fireside Sessions livestream, with a twist. This time, he took things outdoors for what he’s calling the “Barnyard Sessions”. It opens with Young on ukulele outside the barn playing ‘Tumbleweed’, followed by ‘Homegrown’, ‘Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere’ (where he’s surrounded by chickens) and ‘War of Man’ as twilight beckons.
• Scorpions – Their “Sin City Nights” Las Vegas residency, which was scheduled to kick off on July 4 at Zappos Theater at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino, has officially been postponed. New dates will be announced soon. In the meantime, they’re working on a new album, expected next year.
• Sugarland — With only a couple weeks to go before the scheduled start of their “There Goes the Neighborhood Tour”, they have canceled the entire run of shows. The duo shared the news in a video on social media, but added in a little bit of good news: They said that new music will be arriving soon.
• Keith Urban – has revealed how his wife Nicole Kidman broke her ankle: She accidentally stepped in a pothole while jogging in their neighborhood near Nashville. And, he says, “She’s been handling it way better than I would’ve.”


It’s the part about working from home that you didn’t bank on. Some employers are using employee-monitoring software that can provide digital surveillance into the minute-by-minute activity of their employees. Companies that sell this technology — called “tattleware” by some — have seen a surge in demand since the pandemic began. Capabilities can include tracking the websites visited, monitoring how long an employee spends writing emails, pinpointing GPS location, tallying keystrokes and mouse activity, snapping automated screenshots of an employee’s screen and, sometimes even watching them over their webcam. Companies that sell the software say it provides clear data on productivity while working remotely. But critics say the software, while perfectly legal in most countries, can be an invasion of privacy, and working from home requires adjustments to a regular schedule for those with kids or other loved ones to care for. Hubstaff, Time Doctor and ActivTrak are among the more popular employee-monitoring software on the market.
(There. You have the names of the programs — and probably 2 or 3 young computer experts playing video games upstairs. Tell them to get rid of it!)
(Just wondering if my boss’ boss is watching him watch me…)
(If THAT’S the way it’s gonna be, the least they could do is pay for my internet!)


A salvage company has been given the go-ahead to disturb the wreck of the Titanic in hopes of retrieving its “Marconi” device, the specialized telegraph that conveyed the last messages from the doomed ship’s crew before it sank in 1912. R.M.S. Titanic Inc., the company that has salvage rights to the Titanic, will cut into the ship’s hull in hopes of rescuing the telegraph before it disintegrates. The plan is to send an unmanned submersible into the wreck this summer to retrieve the device, despite outcry from some who want the site to remain undisturbed. R.M.S. Titanic Inc. plans to exhibit the telegraph along with stories of the crew members who sent the ship’s final messages, and hopefully restore the device to some form of working order.
(I’m guessing one of those final messages will say, “We’re sinking…”)

➢ Two people with watermelons on their heads tried to steal from a Virginia convenience store. Police say the duo pulled up in a stolen pickup truck and entered a Sheetz store in Louisa while wearing carved out watermelons with holes cut out for their eyes. A 20-year-old was arrested. Police are still looking for the other suspect. (Let’s be clear here…they were not holding the place up…they were shoplifting – melonheads!)
➢ Shortage or not, it turns out you can NOT return a truckload of toilet paper. An Australian man who shockingly stockpiled $10,000 worth of TP and hand sanitizer with the idea of flipping the items for a massive profit on eBay was disappointed when the online retailer realized that he and others were trying to engage in price gouging and put a stop to it. And according to video posted by John-Paul Drake, the director of Drakes Supermarkets, when the man tried to return 150 packets of 32-pack toilet paper and 150 units of one-liter [hand] sanitizer to the store, he was refused. (“I’m sorry, sir, I cannot allow you to return the toilet paper, but to help you get rid of it, I can suggest the prunes on aisle 4…”)
-CTV, CNN, Wimp

A new study has found that men may have evolved to grow bushy beards to better absorb punches and other blows to the head. The results, published in the journal Integrative Organismal Biology, say that the beard may function similarly to the mane of a lion or a baboon, “serving to protect vital areas like the throat and jaw from lethal attacks” during a fight. Especially as it sprouts on one of the most vulnerable regions of the body — the chin.


1950 [70] Bernie Taupin, Sleaford UK, lyricist (Elton John’s songwriting partner-‘Candle In the Wind’, ‘Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me’)

1959 [61] (Steven) Morrissey, Manchester UK, alt-rock singer (‘You Have Killed Me’, The Smiths-‘How Soon is Now?’)

1968 [52] Michael Kelly, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (‘Doug Stamper’ on “House of Cards” 2013-18)

1970 [50] Naomi Campbell, London UK, fashion model, actress, activist (“Empire” 2015-16, “American Horror Story: Hotel” 2015)

1978 [42] Ginnifer Goodwin, Memphis TN, TV actress (‘Mary Margaret Blanchard/Snow White’ on “Once Upon a Time” 2011-18)

1979 [41] Maggie Q (Margaret Quigley), Honolulu HI, TV actress (‘Hannah Wells’ on “Designated Survivor” 2016-19, “Nikita” 2010-13)/movie actress (“Divergent” films, “Mission: Impossible III”)

SATURDAY- Joan Collins (“Dynasty”) is 87; Drew Carey (“The Price is Right”) is 62; Lea DeLaria (“Orange Is the New Black”) is 62; Melissa McBride (“The Walking Dead”) is 55;  Phil Selway (Radiohead) is 53; Matt Flynn (Maroon 5) is 50; Jewel (‘Foolish Games’) is 46

SUNDAY- Tommy Chong (“Cheech and Chong”) is 82;  Bob Dylan (‘Like a Rolling Stone’) is 79; Priscilla Presley (married to Elvis Presley) is 75; Doug Jones (“The Shape of Water”) is 60; John C. Reilly (“Step Brothers”) is 55; Rich Robinson (Black Crowes) is 51; Cody Hanson (Hinder) is 38;  Mark Ballas (“Dancing With the Stars”) is 34

• “Canadian Immigrants Day”, celebrating the many contributions made by immigrants to Canada. Hey, if you go back far enough … we’re all immigrants.

• “Maritime Day”, an annual observance to recognize the maritime industry. Har, hoist that bilge, matey!

• “World Goth Day”, celebrating the goth scene and exposing it to the rest of the world. The subculture of music & fashion is often associated with black clothing, makeup, and hair. (They’re only wearing black until someone invents a darker color…)

• “Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day”. But respect your neighbors … don’t make it drums! (Can you believe my neighbor pounded on my wall until 3am last night? Fortunately, I was up late playing my drums….)

• “International Day for Biological Diversity”, created by the UN to increase understanding and awareness of biodiversity issues.

• “Vanilla Pudding Day”, the creamy pudding we know and love today has been around since the 19th century. Jell-O introduced its first line of instant pudding in the 1950s. The advertising campaign announcing the new product promoted it as a “busy-day dessert”.

• “Harvey Milk Day”, honors gay rights activist Harvey Milk and focuses on stopping discrimination against gays and lesbians.

• “Taffy Day”, celebrating the ooey-gooey soft candy that sticks to your dental fillings. Salt water taffy was originally produced in Atlantic City, NJ in 1883
• “Lucky Penny Day”, see a penny, pick it up… All day long you’ll have good luck. When you are out and about, look on the ground for pennies. It just might be your lucky day! (Canucks, Aussies and Kiwis, you’ll have to look for a lucky nickel…)
• “Turtle Day”, an opportunity to learn more about turtles and how to protect them and their shrinking habitats. (Scientists are now saying that the earliest turtles developed their shells not for protection, but for digging. Do you believe them?)

• “Asparagus Day”, honoring the only ‘spears’ most of us ever eat. Essayist Marcel Proust wrote in the late 1800s that asparagus “transforms my chamber-pot into a flask of perfume.” (Someone needs to get his nose checked!)
• “Brothers Day”, a day to give them a quick punch on the arm … just to let ’em know you care.
• “Escargot Day”, celebrating the gourmet food you can harvest off your driveway. How come we’ll eat snails but not slugs? Aren’t they the same thing?
• “International Tiara Day”, a day for women to celebrate their leadership powers. Real or virtual tiara-wearing is optional.
• “Scavenger Hunt Day”, a game where individuals or teams compete to find items or perform tasks provided to them as a list by the organizers of the game.

1992 [28] Johnny Carson makes his final appearance as host of “The Tonight Show”

2004 [16] Michael Moore’s controversial documentary “Fahrenheit 9/11″ wins the Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival (sequel “Fahrenheit 11/9″ about the Trump administration was released in 2018)

2015 [05] Country singer and actress Jana Kramer marries former NFL player Mike Caussin

2017 [03] Minutes after an Ariana Grande concert ends at the Manchester Arena in England, a suicide bomber detonates a device, killing 22 and injuring at least 60 others in an act of terrorism

2003 [17] Golfer Annika Sorenstam becomes the first woman to play in a PGA men’s tour event in 58 years (Fort Worth TX)

2012 [08] Japan’s Tokyo Skytree is opened to the public, the tallest tower in the world (634 m/2,080 ft) and the second-tallest structure after the Burj Khalifa (829.8 m/2,722 ft)


✓ You could swim through syrup just as fast as you can swim through water, even though it is many times thicker.
✓ Vanilla is used to make chocolate.
✓ 70% of those who lock themselves out of hotel rooms are women.
✓ The word ‘walrus’ comes from the Dutch term that means “horse whale”.
✓ In 1830, the average person over 15 years of age drank 88 bottles of whiskey a year, about one bottle every four days.
✓ The English language has about 3,000 words to describe the state of being drunk —  one of which is “ramsquaddled.”
-WhattheFFacts, BathroomReadersInstitute

Best of BS . . .
• Hundreds of old KFC wet-naps
• A giant bag of those really weird hard candies that she keeps in her purse.
• A VHS copy of “Cocoon.”
• Those weird figurines that came in Red Rose Tea
• The “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” button that’s supposed to be around her neck.
• A phonebook from 1956.
• All the kids’ stolen noses that grandpa left behind when he died.
• A collection of miscellaneous keys for god knows what and 45 years worth of newspaper clippings.
• Her marbles
• All the nickels she plans to give me on my next birthday.
• An autographed copy of the Bible.
• Junk that didn’t fit in her trunk.
-Twitter, first published in BS in 2018


➠ Pac-Man debuted on this week in 1980. (Video games have gotten way-more lifelike since then.  I’m playing a game right now called, “Radio Host.”  And I’m losing.  Badly…)
➠ Starbucks plans to reopen 90% of its company-operated stores by early June. (Great! Now me and 300,000 other insufferable d-bags can FINALLY finish that screenplay.
➠ Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have split.  (I’ll let you guess which one is going to ask for spousal support…)
➠ Singer Morrissey is 61 today. (Friends say he’s depressed about getting older, but also admit there’s no frame of reference…)
➠ The porn industry is claiming discrimination by banks over federal relief payments. (Turns out bankers and politicians don’t like to see anyone getting screwed unless THEY’RE doing the screwing!)

Expectation vs. reality: 

When you were younger, what invention were you certain we’d have by now that we currently don’t?

I’m looking forward to the World Origami Championships. It’s coming soon on “Paperview”!

Question:  Just 17% of women say they regularly do THIS in front of their partner. What is it?
Answer: Burp

Success is on the same road as failure; Success is just a little further down the road.


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