May 29 2020

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Friday, May 29, 2020 Edition: #6708

Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

★ Some people have thought for a while that Tom Cruise is “out there”, and if NASA gets its wish, he will be. Literally. The agency’s administrator has revealed that NASA is “all in” for the 57-year-old to blast off into space. Jim Bridenstine said: “I will tell you this: NASA has been in talks with Tom Cruise and, of course, his team, and we will do everything we can to make it a successful mission, including opening up the International Space Station.” Bridenstine suggested the same thing a few weeks ago when he tweeted, “NASA is excited to work with @TomCruise on a film aboard the @Space_Station!”. Elon Musk, whose company SpaceX has been working closely with NASA, told CBS on Wednesday that “We are supportive and I think NASA is supportive of anything that captures the imagination of the public.”
★ John Krasinski has explained his decision to sell his lockdown web series “Some Good News” to ViacomCBS. He announced last week that the network will take over the show with a new host after a bidding war, and many accused him of “selling out” by moving the show from its former free platform. While guesting on Rainn Wilson’s “Hey There Human” Instagram Live series, Krasinski said “It was one of those things where I was only planning on doing eight of them during quarantine, because I have these other things that I’m going to be having to do very soon, like ‘Jack Ryan’”. He went on to say “it wasn’t a matter of money”, but of how little time he knew he’d have once the coronavirus lockdown comes to an end, due to other commitments.
★ James Corden says it’s impossible to do “Carpool Karaoke” without being in ”close proximity” to a celebrity in a car. He says it’ll be a long while before he can do another installment of the segment on “The Late Late Show” – which sees musicians join him in the passenger seat for a sing-a-long – because filming virtually amid the coronavirus pandemic wouldn’t have the same effect as him being inside his Range Rover alongside a famous face.
★ Simon Cowell has donated his $1.2 million Marks & Spencer pay cheque to a children’s charity. He appears in a new ad campaign – which sees him judging sausages and fruit alongside fellow “Britain’s Got Talent” panellists Amanda Holden and David Walliams – and he asked the retailer to waive his fee and instead pledge their support to “Together For Short Lives”. The organization – which supports children with life-limiting illness, is expected to lose at least half of its annual income due to the coronavirus pandemic.

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Sean Penn
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): “Tonight Show” Staff Favorites, including Miley Cyrus, Barack Obama, Steve Carell
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Trevor Noah, Willie, Lukas & Micah Nelson (R)
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Aidy Bryant, Rep. Eric Swalwell, the Jonas Brothers, Adam Marcello (R)
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Jamie Lee Curtis, Thomas Middleditch, Pardison Fontaine featuring Offset (R)
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Gov. Gavin Newsom, Ice Cube
• “The Talk” (CBS): Matthew Morrison, guest co-host Pat Harvey
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): DJ Pauly D, Addison Rae, AJR
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Gregg Garfield
• “The Kelly Clarkson Show” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): A new Message From Montana, repeat segments with Lauren Graham, the cast of “Impractical Jokers”, Roy Choi, Lilly Tartikoff, Dr. Dennis Slamon (R)
• “Haircut Night in America” (CBS): America’s best hair stylists remotely guide celebrities — including Kelly Osbourne, Lindsey Vonn and P.K. Subban — and frontline health care workers through do-it-yourself color, cuts and styles to tame their quarantine coifs.
• “Jesus Trejo: Stay at Home Son” (SHOWTIME): Mexican-American comic Jesus Trejo explores his upbringing as an only child to immigrant parents.

• “Lucy in the Sky” (HBO): After an awe-inspiring experience in outer space, an astronaut returns to Earth and starts to lose touch with reality in a world that now seems too small.
• “The Captive Nanny” (LIFETIME): Hired under mysterious circumstances, a live-in nanny soon uncovers a sinister secret about her security-obsessed employer.

• “Celebrity Family Feud” (ABC): Queer Eye: OG vs. Queer Eye: The New Class
• “Press Your Luck” (ABC): Season 2 premiere
• “Killing Eve” (AMC): Season 3 finale
• “Quiz” (AMC): Premiere. A man attempts to cheat his way to victory on the UK version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” with the help of a plant in the audience. He succeeded—at first.

• Billie Eilish – has released “Not My Responsibility”, a short film discussing body shaming and sexualization. It is available on YouTube. Last year, she revealed in an interview that she wore her signature baggy clothes to avoid body shaming.
• Post Malone — is writing new music with Travis Barker after they teamed up on the charity Nirvana tribute live-stream concert. The Blink-182 drummer stepped in Dave Grohl’s shoes as they performed 20 songs by the grunge pioneers with Malone on lead vocals last month, raising over $500,000 for the United Nations Foundation’s COVID-19 Solidarity Response Fund.
• Santana – is among the artists contributing music to “SongAid”, an effort of the music industry to fight the hunger crisis exacerbated by the pandemic. Starting today, a song will be released each week from a growing list of contributing artists. Each time a fan listens to one, the streaming proceeds will go to WhyHunger’s Rapid Response Fund. Other artists involved include Tom Morello, Wilco, and Jesse Colin Young featuring Steve Miller.
• Led Zeppelin — has partnered with YouTube for a special streaming event of their 2007 reunion concert. Recorded at London’s O2 Arena, “Celebration Day” will be streamed in its entirety for three days only on the official Led Zeppelin YouTube channel, premiering tomorrow.
• Rush — On May 29, a 40th anniversary edition of 1980’s “Permanent Waves” will be released. It will be available in four configurations: Super Deluxe Edition, two-CD Deluxe Edition, three-LP Deluxe Edition, and Deluxe Digital Edition.
• Brett Kissel — has sold out six drive-in concerts scheduled for a casino lot outside Edmonton AB June 13-14. With three two-hour shows on both nights, and a capacity of 185 cars per show, proceeds will go to food banks through a program set up by grocery chain Sobeys.
• Carrie Underwood – says she confronted God in an “honest conversation” after suffering multiple miscarriages prior to welcoming her second child last year. She and her husband, Mike Fisher, speak about their personal troubles in “Mike and Carrie: God & Country”, a new four-part series for the “I Am Second” faith-based organization. Part 1 premiered online on Wednesday.

Does it help if you swear? Yes, according to new research. Science has shown before how dropping the F-bomb can increase a person’s pain threshold. To test the theory, Richard Stevens, a British psychologist from Keele University, conducted an experiment in which people immersed their hand in ice-cold water. It was found that the act of cursing enabled them to withstand more pain. Further research found that those who swear often had a lesser increase in pain tolerance than those who don’t. And another test checked to see if using made-up swear words instead of the real thing yielded any benefits. While using the F-word was linked to a 33 percent increase in pain tolerance, the made-up words had no beneficial impact. And because you need to know, the made-up words were “fouch” and “twizpipe”.
(This does not bode well for Ned Flanders…)
(Well, we already knew that swearing can’t hurt! Wait…bad choice of words!)

➢ A Toronto-area police officer stopped the same driver twice within 30 minutes for driving with a suspended licence. The driver was initially stopped on Sunday at about 8:55 a.m. because he had a dog on his lap while driving. He was charged for driving under suspension and for driving while crowded. A licensed driver came and removed the vehicle. Less than a half-hour later, the same officer saw the vehicle he had previously stopped approaching him. The driver was again charged with driving under suspension and speeding. This time, the driver’s vehicle was seized. (Well, his DOG may have been a good boy…)
➢ While vehemently denying online reports that a snake had been found in the operating room of a Trinidad and Tobago hospital, it decided to issue a press release to put people’s minds at ease. The North West Regional Health Authority said it “categorically denies that a snake was also found on the hospital’s compound and any information suggesting same is false, misleading and malicious.” What they conveniently failed to mention was that medical staff had posted photos online clearly showing a monkey traipsing around the operating room. (They should have told the truth and let the chimps fall where they may!)
-NYPost, CaledonEnterprise

A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 77% of adults admit they buy gum or candy in the checkout line almost every time they go food shopping.
• 70% of adults say they often grunt when getting up off the couch.
• 25% of us say they take a shower at night rather than in the morning.
• 6% of adults say that they never eat eggs.
• 31% of adults admit they haven’t flossed in the last six months.
• 30% of people fold their pizza before they eat it.
• 5% of drivers have a bobblehead on their dashboard.

Men with longer ring fingers have a lower chance of dying from the coronavirus and could be more likely to face mild symptoms, according to a new study. The length of the ring finger is believed to be linked to how much testosterone men are exposed to in utero — the longer the finger, the greater the exposure. And testosterone is believed to protect against severe coronavirus-related illness. While it may not stop them from getting the coronavirus, it could be a sign that the symptoms won’t be as severe, according to the study led by researchers at Swansea University.


1953 [67] Danny Elfman, Los Angeles CA, composer (“The Nightmare Before Christmas”, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”, “Spider-Man”)/founder of new wave band Oingo Boingo (‘Dead Man’s Party’)

1958 [62] Annette Bening, Topeka KS, movie actress (“The Kids Are All Right”, “American Beauty”)

1956 [64] La Toya Jackson, Gary IN, R&B singer (‘Just Say No’, ‘Hot Potato’)/sister of Michael Jackson

1961 [59] Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth KS, classic rock singer (‘I’m the Only One’, ‘Come to My Window’)

1967 [53] Noel Gallagher, Manchester UK, rock guitarist-songwriter (Oasis -‘Wonderwall’, ‘Champagne Supernova’)

1975 [45] Melanie B (Brown), Leeds UK, pop singer (‘Scary Spice’ of the Spice Girls – ‘Wannabe’)/TV personality (“America’s Got Talent” 2013-18, “The X Factor UK” 2012-16)

1975 [45] Daniel Tosh, Boppard Germany, comedian-TV host (“Tosh.0” since 2009, “Brickleberry” 2012-15)

1972 [48] Laverne Cox, Mobile AL, TV actress (“Orange Is the New Black”)/in 2014 became the first transgender person in over twenty years to be nominated for an Emmy

1989 [31] Riley Keough, Los Angeles CA, movie actress (“Mad Max: Fury Road”, “It Comes at Night”)/ granddaughter of Elvis Presley.

SATURDAY- Wynonna Judd (The Judds) is 56; Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine) is 56; Broadway actress Idina Menzel is 49; John Ross Bowie (“Speechless”) is 49; Cee-Lo Green (‘Forget You’) is 45

SUNDAY- Clint Eastwood (“Dirty Harry”) is 90; Chris Elliott (“How I Met Your Mother”)is 60; Lea Thompson (“Back To The Future”) is 59; Brooke Shields (“The Blue Lagoon”) is 55; Colin Farrell (“Total Recall”) is 44; Reality star Farrah Abraham is 29; Normani Hamilton (Fifth Harmony) is 24

• “International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers”, observed on the anniversary of the first deployment of UN Peacekeeping Forces, in 1948 in the Middle East.

• “Learn About Composting Day”, a great excuse to go green and help the environment.

• “Paper Clip Day”, yes, even the paperclip has its own day. (Really, a paper clip is just a stapler for people with commitment issues…)

• “Coq Au Vin Day”, Coq au vin (translates to “rooster with wine”) is French braise of chicken, cooked with wine, lardons (salt pork), mushrooms and garlic.

• “Biscuit Day”, American biscuits are small crusty bread rolls, often served at breakfast or as a side dish. However, in the UK, the word “biscuit” is used for flat sweet treats which are known as “cookies” in the US. (And don’t even get me STARTED on dog biscuits…)

• “Mint Julep Day”, celebrating the delicious and refreshing Summer cocktail made with bourbon whiskey, mint, water, and sugar. Sounds best if you order one using a Southern accent.
• “Water a Flower Day”, because nourishing a little bit of natural beauty might be the only truly worthwhile thing you do all day. (No, Rover! Stop!)
• “World MS Day”, the Multiple Sclerosis International Federation’s annual campaign to raise awareness of the condition, and to support and connect the 2.3 million people living with it.
• “National Creativity Day”, whether you are an artist, writer, musician, filmmaker, blogger, photographer, graphic artist, or any of 100 other creative personalities, today we celebrate you and your creative pursuit. (My creativity peaked with a macaroni necklace in kindergarten.)
• “Hole in My Bucket Day”, this wacky holiday is in honor of the fun children’s song ‘There’s a Hole in My Bucket’. (Yup. Slow day.)

• “Macaroon Day”, honoring those ooey-gooey coconut cookies that stick to your fillings.
• “Save Your Hearing Day”, something older people often advise younger people to do. But most don’t listen until they reach the point when they can’t.
• “Speak in Complete Sentences Day”, a good excuse to bring up our pet peeve about newscasters who write sentences without active verbs, i.e.: “Police searching for suspects in a kidnapping today.” NOT a complete sentence (Ha – Neither was that!)
• “World No-Tobacco Day”, as declared by the UN’s World Health Organization to encourage people to kick their butts.
• “World Smile Day”, there is so much a smile can do. Just one smile can brighten someone’s day. It can also improve your day. Smiles are infectious. A healthy smile can develop confidence and generate a new outlook on the world. (It can also make others wonder what the heck you are up to!)

2003 [17] Legendary entertainer Bob Hope celebrates his 100th birthday (dies a couple months later on July 27th)

2010 [10] Movie actor Dennis Hopper (“Blue Velvet”, “Easy Rider”, “True Grit”) dies of prostate cancer at age 74

2018 [02] ABC cancels “Roseanne” after its star Roseanne Barr posts a racist tweet

1983 [37] Van Halen is paid a record $1.5 million to play Day 2 (“Heavy Metal Day”) of Apple founder Steve Wozniak’s ‘US Festival’, the second and final year of the event. At the time, it’s the most any act has ever been paid for a single performance (David Bowie was paid the same for his performance the next day)

2010 [10] Shania Twain divorces music producer Robert John Lange after 14 years of marriage

1953 [67] Edmund Hillary and Nepalese Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first climbers to reach the summit of Mount Everest

2005 [15] 23-year-old Danica Patrick becomes the first female driver to take the lead in the fabled Indianapolis 500 (eventually finishes 4th)


✓ When you correct for weight difference, men are proportionately stronger than horses.
✓ Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team in his sophomore year.
✓ Martha Stewart became a billionaire while in prison.
✓ Albert Einstein never wore socks.
✓ Soy sauce has 10 times more antioxidants than red wine.
✓ Most people spend 60% of their conversation time talking about themselves. That jumps to 80% while conversing on social media.
-FactRetriever, RandomFactGenerator

• I wonder why oils are essential and I’m not…
• I’ll remember this next time the boss tells me at the last minute that I have to work overtime, because “nobody else can do it.”
• I always thought the donuts I brought to the office every Friday made me an essential worker…
• At least my dog thinks I’m essential.
• We’re re-opening? How can I lose 30 pounds – fast?
• What am I supposed to do when I’ve finished Netflix?

Best of BS . . .

• Do you run with scissors?
• If you have a lot of people waiting for a cut, is that called a ‘barbecue’?
• Are you the bass, baritone, or tenor?
• Can you cut it longer?
• Can I have a glass of that blue Kool-air you’ve got there?
• How much can I get cut for six bucks?
• What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
• If I don’t like my haircut, do I have toupée?
• Can you take just a little off the bottom?
• Can I have a refund? It grew back.
-Twitter, first published in BS in 2019

➠ Khloé Kardashian is selling her Calabasas mansion for $18.95 million dollars. (It includes a gym, a basketball court, and 800,000 mirrors)
➠ Cee-Lo Green turns 45 this weekend. (So, if you see him, give him a medium five!)
➠ I just read that the FDA approved a drug that can dissolve your double chin.  (This thing is so good, that there are even plans to put it on the McDonald’s menu.)
➠ I just read that one in every five people have injured themselves in the bathroom. (Darn you, Taco Bell!)
➠ I just read that people who work in the banking industry are most likely to cheat on their spouses. (So, at work your client may go ‘belly-up’ ….and it’s BAD. . . but if it happens after work, it’s GOOD!)

Golf goals:

What is your favorite album of all-time?

A politician is someone who will double cross that bridge when they come to it.

Question:  66% of us say doing THIS makes us feel better when we are down. What is it?
Answer:  Eating pizza

Don’t look where you fell, but where you slipped.


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