Monday, November 15, 2004        Edition: #2909
Bovine Defecation That’s State-of-the-Art!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
• Ol’ Dirty Bastard (Russell Jones), the former Wu-Tang Clan rapper known as much for his run-ins with the law as his innovative hip-hop style, died in a Manhattan recording studio SATURDAY. An autopsy was scheduled for YESTERDAY but police say it appears he succumbed to ‘natural causes’ (are drugs ‘natural’?). ODB would have been turning 36 TODAY. (He’s still ‘ODB … Ol’ Dead Bastard.)
– “NY Daily News”
• Actress Renee Zellweger had her armpits Botox-ed for the “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason” premiere and press junkets. Why? It purportedly stops sweating. (But thanks to bloating you can no longer lower your arms.)
– PopBitch.com
•  Director Michael Moore is gearing up to make a sequel to his controversial documentary “Fahrenheit 9/11″. He says he wants to get cameras rolling now so he can have “Fahrenheit 9/11 ½” ready in 2 or 3 years. (Loved the film but 4 words of advice, Michael – give it a rest!)
– “Daily Variety”
• English soccer star David Beckham has spent a staggering $1.8 million on the world’s most expensive sex toy as a present for pregnant wife Victoria. The platinum vibrator, with a 10-carat diamond-encrusted base linked to a 16-carat diamond necklace, is 1 of only 10 created by London strip-club owner Peter Stringfellow. (Wow, the gift of an expensive prick – from an expensive prick.)
– World Entertainment News Network
• Apparently, we aren’t as dumb as TV networks think. It seems that we won’t watch just any crapola reality show. In the past week the debuts of “My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss”, “The Rebel Billionaire” and “The $25 Million Hoax” have all flopped in the ratings.
– “Variety”
• Actor Ben Affleck’s been spotted in a Vancouver strip club again, this time taking time out from filming “Man About Town” to visit a club with a group of buddies during its weekly ‘lesbian night’. Word is he got right into the spirit of things, whooping it up and applauding. (Perhaps this is the reason girlfriend Jennifer Garner has jetted in for a visit?)
– “Us Weekly”
• Actress Lindsay Lohan & “That 70s Show” star Wilmer Valderrama have split, ending their roughly 6-month romance. (Hmm, no wonder her guest shot on the show was moved up from this week to last.)
– “People” magazine
• The skating rink in NYC’s Central Park was closed to the public for a night so that Tom Cruise, Steven Spielberg and 8 family members and friends could skate privately under the stars for nearly 3 hours. Word is Cruise is so good on his blades, he looks like a pro. (Could it be from his younger days, growing up in Ottawa?)
– “NY Post”
• The much-talked-about off-screen rivalry between “Desperate Housewives” co-stars Teri Hatcher & Nicollette Sheridan reportedly goes waaaaay back. Seems in the early ‘90s, Sheridan began a steamy, 3-year, on-again/off-again romance with overwrought pop singer Michael Bolton – shortly after he dumped Hatcher. (What’s that saying about a woman scorned?)
– “Star” magazine

THIS WEEK’S WACKED TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Osama’s Penile Implant Stuck in ‘On’ Position!”
• “Terrorists Use Infomercials to Recruit Suicide Bombers!”
• “Blondes Really Are Dumber!”
• “The Tragedy of Date-Raped Men!”
• “Pope Gives Osama the Finger!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Destiny Child – Columbia Records has moved up the North American release of their new album “Destiny Fulfilled” by 1 day to TODAY so it matches the worldwide release. Why? The ‘potential for Internet leaks and burned-CD counterfeits’. Beyoncé has publicly said it may be years until the next album … if they ever do one at all. TODAY they’ll appear on TV’s “Oprah Winfrey Show”.
• Lenny Kravitz – TONIGHT he does the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno“ on NBC-TV.
• Rod Stewart – He’s been ordered by an LA jury to repay $780,000 after accepting it as a deposit for a 9-stop tour of South & Central American he never did in 2002. The jury also assessed damages of $1.6 million against his business lawyers and agents who had argued he was entitled to keep the deposit to cover the cost of work he could otherwise have booked.
• Kenny Chesney – Word is the ‘CMT Entertainer of the Year ‘ hooked up with “CSI: Miami” star Emily Proctor at the “Country Music Awards” LAST WEEK. Could they be a show biz couple in the making?
• Madonna – She’s been named one of the ‘Most Influential Jewish Americans’ despite protests from her rep that it’s inappropriate because she isn’t Jewish. The Jewish weekly, “The Forward”, ranks her 51st on its annual list due to her adherence and promotion of the Kabbalah brand of Judaism.
• Jessica Simpson – She has such an exclusive credit card that she has to charge $150,000 a year on it to be allowed to keep it.
• Sheryl Crow – She & cycling champ boyfriend Lance Armstrong are looking for a new family home in the Tennessee countryside, just outside Nashville. They’re reportedly searching for a large estate where she can stable her horses and play step-mom to his 3 kids.
• U2 – U2.com reports that Bono & The Edge will perform as a duo THURSDAY at the dedication of the Bill Clinton Presidential Center & Library in Little Rock AR.

“GOOD AFTERNOON PASSENGERS, THIS IS YOUR PETRI DISH …”
Biomedical engineers at the University of Florida have developed a tiny ‘brain’ in a Petri dish that’s able to fly a virtual airplane. The scientists built the brain from neurons extracted from rat embryos that were seeded onto a grid of electrodes. The cells then grew their own neural connections to create a ‘live computation device’. This minuscule rat brain was then able to interpret signals to control the flight path of a virtual jet. (Cool! And the really good thing is, you can rely on the thing being sober.)
– “New Scientist”

KID’S FOOD IS BAD FOOD:
According to a new study by the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the nutrition advocacy group that previously warned of the evils of movie theater popcorn and Chinese food, the healthy changes many chain restaurants have made in adult entrees have NOT been made on kids’ menus. Some of the eye-opening findings …
• Most kids’ menus have little variety and are loaded with food that is fattening.
• Hamburgers or cheeseburgers appear on 85% of kids’ menus.
• French fries are served with virtually all meals.
• Many kids’ menu items contain a whopping 1,000 calories in one meal. That’s 500 short of the amount kids ages 4 to 8 need in an entire day. Add in free soft drink refills and a sundae for dessert and they could easily top the day’s limit for both calories and saturated fat.
– CNN

FEWER HAPPY RETURNS:
The newest trend in retailing security is to use special electronic systems to track the number of times and the dates specific customers make a return or exchange, as well as the value of those items, and then determine based on that information if the customer is allowed to make another return. Retailers who use the system think it will not only catch shoplifters trying to return items for cash, but also nab those who ‘wardrobe’ – buy something, wear it once or twice, then return it for a full refund. (Damn! Another loophole closed!)
– “Washington Post”

CAR FETISH:
Venturi, an automaker based in Monaco, is about to build 25 copies of its $660,000 ‘Fétish’, the world’s first electric sports car to go into production. When it goes on the market NEXT YEAR, the Fétish will offer a top speed of 105 mph, as well as the ability to go 217 miles on a single charge. Recharge the Fétish’s empty battery for 1 minute, and you will be able to drive it for about 1 mile. (Either that or find yourself a really, really long extension cord.)
– “Forbes” magazine

BS AMAZING FACT:
At 526 servings annually of Coca Cola for every man, woman and child, Mexico is the largest per-capita consumer of Coke in the world.
– “Social Studies”

AND WE QUOTE:
“I believe your house is a reflection of yourself, so I want anything in mine to be exquisite.”
– Britney Spears expressing her humble opinion of herself.

THE BULL SHEET 11.15.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [64] Sam Waterston, Cambridge MA, TV actor (‘Executive Assistant DA Jack McCoy’ on “Law & Order” since 1994)

1945 [59] Frida Lyngstad, Narvik, Norway, oldies singer (ABBA-“Dancing Queen”)  FACTOID: After selling over 350 million records worldwide, the group has been enjoying a revival thanks to the nostalgic stage musical “Mamma Mia”.

1957 [47] Kevin Eubanks, Philadelphia PA, guitarist/bandleader (“Tonight Show With Jay Leno” since 1995)

1970 [34] Jack Ingram, Houston TX, country singer (“Flutter”, “How Many Days”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] National Educational Support Personnel Day

TODAY is the annual “America Recycles Day”, because almost everything can be recycled … except the planet. This year’s theme is ‘It All Comes Back to You’.
NET: http://www.americarecyclesday.org/home.html

TODAY is “Pack Your Mom’s Lunch Day”, when kids with a mother who’s gone back-to-school  are encouraged to honor her by making her lunch. (Or could it be payback for all those baloney sandwiches and the embarrassing wiener-on-a-string in a Thermos that you were forced to take to grade school?)

TODAY is “National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day”, time to hunt down and throw out that green-crusted pork chop from last summer’s BBQ, the mouldy mayo jar, and any other ‘mystery items’ you find. What’s the oddest thing in your fridge?
BS SIGNS YOUR FRIDGE NEEDS CLEANING:
• It’s that 1970s shade of avocado green – on the inside.
• Even the baking soda is mouldy.
• Your kids’ Easter eggs have grown a nice comb-over.
• You spread cheese on a cracker, then realize it was actually chicken.
• You find a note that says, “We are out of beer, signed The Meatloaf”.
• Your vegetable crisper is making its own soup.

TODAY is “George Spelvin Day” (female variation ‘Georgette’ or ‘Georgina’), commemorating the 1886 invention of the name used on Broadway for actors who have more than one role in a play. The fictitious name has appeared in over 10,000 Broadway programs. (The name “Walter Plinge” is similarly used on the British stage.)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1926 [78] National Broadcasting Company’s on-air debut (‘Must-See Radio’)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1974 [30] Rock group Faces releases what may be the tune with all-time longest title – “You Can Make Me Dance, Sing or Anything (Even Take the Dog for a Walk, Mend a Fuse, Fold Away the Ironing Board, Or Any Other Domestic Shortcomings)”

1990 [14] Pop duo Milli Vanilli admits they did none of the singing on their Grammy-winning debut album “Girl, You Know It’s True”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1969 [35] 1st Wendy’s fast-food restaurants open (“Hey look, them burgers is square!”)

1981 [23] At 5-11, Ottawa becomes 1st CFL team to advance to Grey Cup with a losing record

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1948 [56] Canada’s longest-serving Prime Minister, William Lyon Mackenzie King, retires after 3 terms totalling 22 years

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] Homemade Bread Day
[Wed] National Farm Joke Day
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout
[Thurs] Married to a Scorpio Support Day
[Fri ] World Toilet Day
[Sat] Name Your PC Day
[Sat] National Child Day in Canada
[Sun] 92nd Grey Cup (Ottawa)
This Week Is . . . Preoperative Nurse Week
This Month Is . . . Epilepsy Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit we refer to dogs as ‘bitches’ when cats fit the description so much better?
• Whyzit ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?
• Whyzit banks charge you a ‘NSF’ fee on money they already know you don’t have?
• Whyzit whether you ‘sit up’ or ‘sit down’ the result is the same?
• Whyzit when a door is open it’s ‘ajar’ but when a jar is open it’s not ‘adoor’?
• Whyzit your home phone always rings when you’re outside the door, fumbling for your keys?
• Whyzit your favorite song always come on the radio right when you’re getting out of your car?
• Whyzit as soon as you’re doing what you want to be doing, you want to be doing something else? Huh? Howz come?

WEB GOODIE:
Station promotion idea? A ‘urinal screen’ that lights up and plays a prerecorded message of your choice when ‘activated’. Might be perf’ for stations targeted at 18-34 males.
NET: http://www.wizmark.com/voices.htm

BS GEOGRAPHY AWARENESS QUIZ:
This is “National Geography Awareness Week”. So just how aware are you?
• Canada’s has the world’s longest what? (Coastline – 243,792 km.)
• How much of the total area of Canada is north of the tree line – 7%, 27%, or 57%? (Approximately 27%.)
• What’s the deepest lake in Canada? (Great Slave Lake in NWT, with a depth of 614 m.)
• Which 5 provinces and territories do NOT border on the US? (Newfoundland, PEI, Nova Scotia, NWT, and Nunavut.)
• By what name do we now know ‘Rocky Mountains Park’? (Created ion 1885, it was renamed Banff National Park in 1930.)
– National Atlas on SchoolNet

• What’s the capital of Illinois? (Springfield)
• Lake Okeechobee is found in which state? (Florida)
• What’s the 2-letter abbreviation for the state of Montana? (MT)
• Which of these states is NOT in the Midwest – Iowa, Colorado, Wisconsin? (Colorado)
• Which state was once a monarchy? (Hawaii)
• Name the 4 states in the ‘Four Corners Area’. (Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, and Utah.)
• Lake Michigan borders how many states? (4.)
– ESL Quiz Center

BS BLATANT JOKE:
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The world’s first of THESE was seen on a road in the UK back in 1865.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A speed limit sign (2 mph).

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Eat the rich! The poor are tough and stringy.

NEW ON OUR SHEET LIST:
“BS” salutes Rod Schween @ CHDR (The Drive) Cranbrook BC who’s re-upped for another full year of bull. We also welcome samplers this week that include Olcay Ozkan @ Radio Armada 96.9 Ankara, Turkey; Dave Shannon @ KOOL 94.5 Phoenix AZ; and Luciana @ KKMO 1360 Seattle WA. Welcome to the pasture, all! Tell a friend in another market about “BS”. We’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each and every new subscriber you refer.