Wednesday, November 3, 2004        Edition: #2901
You’ve Got Yourself in Deep Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The things you do for money when you can’t get movie roles anymore – Sylvester Stallone will launch a monthly fitness magazine called “Sly” in JANUARY in cooperation with American Media, the less-than-scrupulous publisher of the “National Enquirer” . . . When soon-to-be reality show star Kirstie Alley (“Fat Actress”) took her pet baby possum to a social event it squeaked out in hunger, so the ever-demanding Alley ordered her new mom/publicist to wet nurse it – which she did, after emitting breast milk into a bottle . . . Word is  Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston will buy the $3-million London home of their celebrity TV chef pal Jamie Oliver, who’s moving on to larger digs . . . Actor Leonardo DiCaprio tells the DECEMBER issue of “Vanity Fair” he regrets accepting the lead role in “Titanic” because it has cost him acting credibility and he doesn’t enjoy the fame he now has to deal with (aww, po’ li’l rich boy) . . . After an exhaustive year-long search, actress Halle Berry has found her dream home, an $8-million, 4-bedroom hacienda in Malibu CA with its own private beach which she’ll share – with her mommy, Judith (so rich, so famous – so lonely) . . . Beleaguered & overexposed actor Ben Affleck is making every effort to stay away from the press these days, so imagine his chagrin when a scene from his now-shooting movie “Man About Town” required him to appear with a flock of lingerie models – at Global-TV’s BC headquarters in Burnaby . . . NBC-TV is shelving its underperforming animated series “Father of the Pride” during the NOVEMBER sweeps, but promises the $2 million-per-episode show will return in DECEMBER (translation: we’ll never see this money-draining loser again!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Ashlee Simpson – The track “Autobiography” has been dumped as her next single in a further attempt to bury all memory of her “Saturday Night Live” lip- syncing fiasco.
• R Kelly – He’s suing Jay-Z for $75 million for being kicked off their joint tour, $15 million of it for ‘compensatory damages for breach of contract’ and the other $60 million in punitive damages for ‘intentionally derailing the tour’.
• P Diddy – Even though he finished the NYC Marathon LAST YEAR and raised $2 million for schools Sean Combs will NOT be running in this weekend’s race, saying it’s really hard work and he wouldn’t do it again for less than $40 million.
• Tim McGraw – He’s become a minority owner of the newly restructured Nashville Kats arena football franchise and will headline a concert in Nashville NEXT YEAR to promote the team.
• Jet – TONIGHT they’re on NBC-TV’s “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.

BS BUZZWORDS:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Moose on the Table’ – An issue no one wants to address in a meeting. (“Alright, now let’s get this moose off the table about everyone taking a pay cut …”)
• ‘Frodosexual’ – A female who has a fetish for sci-fi geeks. (“Natalie’s such a frodo, she’s dating a guy from the IT department.”)
• ‘Dadager’ – A father who manages your career. (“Who do you think’s the worse dadager, Ashlee Simpson’s father Joe Simpson or Jon-Benet Ramsey’s pop John Ramsey?”)
• ‘Mobile Clubbing’ – An extension of the flash-in-the-pan ‘flash-mobbing’ fad in which e-mail is circulated inviting people to turn up at a given time and venue to dance to their personal music players; it’s the new hotness in London. (“Just got the word, mate … there’s mobile clubbing in Victoria Station today at 4 …”)

GEEK TESTING:
Computer programmers seeking employment with Web search company Google Inc must pass an aptitude test entailing 21 grueling questions. Among them …
• On an infinite, 2-dimensional rectangular lattice of 1-ohm resistors, what is the resistance between 2 nodes that are a knight’s move away?
• How many different ways can you color an icosahedron with one of 3 colors on each face?
• Write a haiku describing possible methods for predicting search traffic seasonality.
(Whoa! Would you wanna work for these geeks?)
– AP

WHEN TO WORKOUT:
If you just don’t seem to be as strong during that midday run or treadmill workout, there’s a reason for it. Our lungs lose power at lunchtime because they’re governed by a cycle of circadian rhythms that dip and rise over a 24-hour period. The time of peak lung performance for most people is late afternoon, making that the best time of day to exercise. But since lung performance tends to drop in the very early morning hours and again at noon, you won’t get the optimal benefit from an early morning or lunchtime workout, according to researchers from the Long Island Jewish Medical Center. (Ah! Another reason to sleep in. Thanks, guys!)
– BBC News Online

HOW DO YOU MEASURE UP?
Analysis of the most recent nationwide data shows the average American male is 5-ft, 9.5-ins tall and weighs 191 lbs. The average woman is 5-ft, 4-ins and 164.3 lbs. (Wow, for once I seem to be way above average!)
– “Washington Post”

CORRUPT COUNTRIES:
An organization called Transparency International compiles an annual ‘Corruption Perceptions Index’, based on the amount of bribery and corruption observed by business people and international analysts. Of the 146 countries surveyed for THIS YEAR’S report, corruption appears to be rampant in 60. The report notes that most oil-producing nations are prone to high corruption. Some highlights …
LEAST CORRUPT COUNTRIES:
1. Finland
2. New Zealand
3. Denmark
MOST CORRUPT COUNTRIES:
142. [TIE] Chad / Mayanmar
144. Nigeria
145. [TIE] Haiti / Bangladesh
Australia ranks 9th, the UK 11th, Canada 12th, the USA 17th.
NET: http://www.transparency.org

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Soldiers in Belarus have been ordered to take up ballet in a bid to improve ‘devotion and discipline’. Defense honchos claim the discipline involved in learning ballet moves is fundamental to military success. (Coolness, we can hardly wait to see those camo tutus!)
•  A 44-year-old man is charged with unlawful entry and petty theft after he was caught breaking into student housing at Idaho State University – to steal underwear from the laundry room. When apprehended, the thief admitted to cops he was wearing – a stolen thong. (Unfortunately, the bra didn’t match.)
• A 52-year-old wannabe burglar has been arrested in Kobe, Japan after a homeowner found him asleep on the floor. Seems he broke in with the intention of stealing, but was so drunk that he passed out. (Sounds like [co-host’s] big date on the weekend.)
• Management at British Petroleum (BP), the UK’s largest company, have fired off a memo to employees, urging them to stop having sex romps in the office. The plea comes after security cameras caught horny couples in a bathroom, a meeting room and behind cabinets. The ancillary problem – security staff have become sidetracked from monitoring legitimate security concerns. (Hmm. There’s a reality show in there somewhere.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
In Latin, ‘novem’ means ‘nine’. In ancient Rome, NOVEMBER was the 9th month. 5th-century Anglo-Saxons called it ‘Wind Month’ (which seems appropriate here in the studio this morning).

THE BULL SHEET 11.03.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [52] Roseanne (Barr-Arnold-Thomas), Salt Lake City UT, ex-TV talk show host (“The Roseanne Show” 1998-2000)/ex-TV sitcom actress (“Roseanne” 1988-1997)

1953 [51] Dennis Miller, Pittsburgh PA, TV personality (“Dennis Miller” on CNBC, “Saturday Night Live” 1985-91)/occasional movie actor (“Joe Dirt”, “Murder at 1600″)

1953 [51] Kate Capshaw (Kathleen Nail), Fort Worth TX, Mrs Steven Spielberg since 1991 (5 children)/sometime movie actress (“Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom”)

1955 [49] Phil Simms, Lebanon KY, yacky & whiney-voiced NFL analyst (CBS-TV)/ex-NFL QB (2 Super Bowls-NY Giants 1979-93)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is …
• “National Gambling Addiction Awareness Day” (Bet you didn’t know that!)
• “Housewives’ Day” (Whoa, is this PC?)
• “Cliché Day” (Every cliche has its day.)

TODAY some 400,000 Grade 9 students across Canada will participate in the 11th “Take Our Kids to Work Day” in 75,000+ workplaces. The idea is for kids to see what it’s really like on-the-job with a parent or volunteer host. (What would be the worst job for a kid to shadow? Undertaker? Proctologist? Teacher?)
PHONER: 800.790.9113 (The Learning Partnership, Toronto)
NET: http://www.takeourkidstowork.ca

TODAY is “Sandwich Day”, celebrating the 1718 birth of John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A compulsive gambler, he wanted something that could be eaten at gaming tables and earned immortality through his habit of eating beef between slices of toast. Nowadays, we eat an average of 193 sandwiches apiece annually. What’s the weirdest sandwich you’ve ever eaten?
The NFL’s hot rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger (ROTH’-liz-bur-guhr] of the Steelers has inspired a new one in the Pittsburgh area – ‘The Roethlis-Burger’ – a grilled 1/3-pound beef patty on a bun topped with bacon, BBQ sauce, ranch dressing and dripping with melted cheddar and provolone cheese.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1998 [06] Former pro-wrestler Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura is elected Governor of Minnesota

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1990 [14] 1st rap tune to top pop charts (“Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice)
 
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1817 [187] Canada’s 1st bank opens (Bank of Montréal)

1900 [104] 1st ‘auto show’ in USA (Madison Square Garden)

1930 [74] 1st ‘international vehicle tunnel’ in the world opens (Detroit MI-Windsor ON)

1995 [09] 1st regular season game for NBA’s Toronto Raptors (a win over NJ Nets)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [08] Youngest-ever NBA player, LA Laker Kobe Bryant, takes the floor at the tender age of 18 years, 2 months and 11 days

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Children’s Goal-Setting Day
[Fri]  “Alfie” and “The Incredibles” open in movie theaters
[Fri]  Governor-General’s Performing Arts Awards (Ottawa)
[Sat] Saxophone Day
[Sat-Nov 9] World Championships of Hairdressing (Milan, Italy)
[Sun] NYC Marathon
[Mon] Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day
[Tues] 38th CMA Awards
This Week Is . . . Canadian Children’s Book Week / French Conversation Week
This Week Is . . . Military Family Appreciation Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
ALL-TIME WORST MOVIE REMAKES:
1. “Get Carter “, starring Sylvester Stallone (2000)
2. “Psycho” (1998)
3. “Thunderbirds” (2004)
4. “Point of No Return” (1994)
5. “Charlie’s Angels” (2000)
6. “Alfie” (2004)
7. “Planet Of The Apes” (2001)
8. “Starsky & Hutch” (2004)
9. “Cape Fear” (1991)
10. “Ocean’s Eleven” (2001)
– New Screenselect.co.uk poll.

BS ‘ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS’ FOR RADIO:
Each member of the morning crew is furnished with the SFX of a cow (‘mooo’), a lake (paddling SFX), and a bomb (‘BOOM!’). You count to 3, then each person plays one of the effects. Cow drinks lake, lake extinguishes bomb, and bomb blows up cow. Oh what fun!

BS BLATANT JOKE:
[Co-host’s] girlfriend is much younger. He justifies it by saying yeah, she’s only in college … but she’s got the body of a 7th-grader.

BS INTERVIEW:
Joanna Beth Seere is a ‘Telepathic Animal Communicator & Spiritual/integrated Kabbalistic Healer’ who works with all species of animals. She claims she can help both them and their humans face challenges and share the joys of life. Yep, that’s right – now we’ve got Kabbalah for pets. Spiritual healing for pets may sound dumb, but she says they have the same spiritual issues as humans – just on a much simpler scale. (Yeah but will we have to tie a little red string around Puffy’s paw?)
PHONER: 845.651.1383 (Spirit to Spirit, Warwick NY)
NET: http://www.spirit-to-spirit.net

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In a poll of women asking what physical characteristic most signals that a guy is a ‘Loser’, THIS topped the list.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A mullet hairdo.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A person gazing at the stars is at the mercy of every puddle on the road.