Thursday, November 27, 2003        Edition: #2675
Another Sheetload of Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Dido has split from boyfriend Ferdie Unger-Hamilton, saying she’s just too busy for a relationship (threw up that “White Flag” pretty fast, didn’t you?) . . . ABC-TV is developing a show based on the hit British reality series, “Wife Swap”, in which women from different social backgrounds switch families for 2 weeks, with the US version retitled “Trading Moms” (about 50% of families have already done this) . . . Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has been banned from her own kitchen by hubby Michael Douglas after she almost burned down their NYC apartment when her dinner creation burst into flames and then, instead of using the fire extinguisher right beside the stove, she fled the apartment and waited by the elevator . . . Barbra Streisand’s 60th recording, “The Movie Album,” has been certified gold by the RIAA, marking her 49th gold record, more than any other artist except Elvis . . . Word is 35-year-old actress Julia Roberts has abandoned her plans to become a mom so she can concentrate on her acting career once again (here’s a tip, Jules: it’s easier to conceive when parents are actually in the same city) . . . Authorities in the former Soviet state of Georgia want to name a peak in the Caucasus Mountains after Arnold Schwarzenegger (this idea actually originated back in the ‘70s when a whole slew of Hollywood starlets were asked to Mount Schwarzenegger).

FUTURE FILMS:
Contrary to previous industry reports, Jackie Chan will NOT play the role of ‘Kato’ to Steve Martin’s ‘Inspector Clouseau’ in the upcoming “Birth of the Pink Panther” (guess the money wasn’t good enough) . . . Michael Caine has signed on to play ‘Alfred’ the butler opposite Christian Bale’s ‘Bruce Wayne’ in the next “Batman” movie, set to shoot NEXT YEAR and hit theaters in 2005 . . . George Clooney is  reportedly interested in playing private investigator “Magnum PI” in a movie version of the 1980s TV show that starred Tom Selleck . . . Clooney will also return to the role of ‘Danny Ocean’ in “Ocean’s Twelve”, which sees the rogue and his gang planning a heist in London . . . Tough guy Vin Diesel (“The Fast and the Furious”, “XXX”) will star in “The Pacifier” as an undercover agent who takes on his toughest mission yet – child care – looking after an important scientist’s kids when they are suddenly thrust into danger.

PILL MAKES YOU TAN, THIN, SEXIER:
Some surprising side effects were discovered when skin cancer researchers tested a hormone called ‘Melanotan II’, hoping to find a way to stimulate a natural tan without the sun. The hormone also seemed to cause weight loss and increase sexual proficiency. Now, several companies are developing the so-called ‘Barbie Drug’, each focusing on a different benefit. An Australian lab is testing ‘EpiTan’, an injection designed to deliver a safe tan. US researchers are working on a sexual spin-off called ‘PT141′, a nasal spray that promises to boost libido somewhat like Viagra in both men and women.

JUST CALL ME PEEWEE:
According to a poll by a men’s magazine, about 70% of men have a pet name for their er, uh, manhood. Some of the most popular – ‘Junior’, ‘Jack’, ‘Ace’, ‘Big Boy’, ‘Sam’, and ‘Slugger’. Interesting that only half of those surveyed say they have revealed the nickname to their partners. (Also interesting that their partners often use a much different and less flattering name.)

PICKUP WORK:
A Belgian security company is offering to send out professional thieves to test stores’ security
systems. The Crime Control Company says its shoplifters are never caught and always return all of the stolen goods afterwards. They fill in a report explaining how they did it, giving advice on how stores can improve security. (Finally some work for Winona Ryder!)

BOGUS BONUS:
Air Canada employees with stellar performance records are getting a $3.78 Harvey’s burger coupon as their bonus this year. But they better hurry and use it – it’s only redeemable until December 31st. And not everyone gets one. Air Canada recently picked 100 employees at random. (What’s the worst Christmas bonus you ever got? I remember one boss handing out sprigs of holly.)

WARNING PANTS:
Dutch scientists have developed underwear that calls an ambulance if the wearer has a heart
attack. Philips Research Labs has developed bras, undershirts and underpants that register and analyze the wearer’s heartbeat. The sensors are linked, via wireless technology, to a mobile phone which automatically makes contact with an alarm center or ambulance in an emergency. (I’ve had experience with this. My girlfriend’s thong gave me a heart attack.)

FOR THE RECORD:
• “The Guinness Book of World Records” has officially anointed an 11-foot-tall bobblehead of game show host Chuck Woolery as the world’s largest.
• A Norwegian Elvis impersonator has regained a world record by singing Elvis songs for over 40 hours. Kjell Henning Bjoernestad, known to his fans as Kjell Elvis, sang 786 songs in 40 hours, 8 minutes and 1 second. (He was also voted ‘Least Likely to Be Invited to a Party’.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 900 pencils, enough iron to make a 3-inch nail, and enough phosphorous for 2,200 match heads!

THE BULL SHEET 11.27.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [48] Bill Nye, Washington DC, wacky TV scientist (‘technical expert’ on ”BattleBots”, “Bill Nye the Science Guy”)

1957 [46] Caroline Kennedy-Schlossberg, NYC, only survivor of family of 4 that included JFK, Jackie O, and JFK Jr

1964 [39] Robin Givens, NYC, movie actress (“Hollywood Wives: The New Generation”, “A Rage in Harlem”) most famous for briefly wedding boxer Mike Tyson (1988)

1968 [35] Michael Vartan, Boulogne-Billancourt, Hauts-de-Seine, Île-de-France FRA, TV actor (‘Agent Michael Vaughn’-“Alias”) rumored to be co-star Jennifer Garner’s boyfriend

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Thanksgiving Day” in the USA. Are you ready for some football? There are traditional Thanksgiving NFL games TODAY in Detroit and in Dallas.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1952 [51] 1st ‘3-D movie’ premieres (“Bwana Devil”, starring Robert Stack)

2000 [03] Magician David Blaine begins 58-hour ‘endurance experience’ in 6-ton block of ice in NYC’s Times Square (culminates in ABC-TV special “David Blaine: Frozen in Time”)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1960 [43] 1st NHL player to score 1,000 points (Gordie Howe, who a year later to the day becomes 1st to play in 1,000 NHL games)

1983 [20] 1st ‘indoor Grey Cup’ (Toronto 18, BC 17 at BC Place)

1994 [09] 1st US-based team to appear in a Grey Cup (Baltimore loses 26-23 to BC)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1966 [37] Highest-scoring NFL game (113 points – Washington Redskins 72, NY Giants 41)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Buy Nothing Day
[Sat] Electronic Greetings Day
[Sun] International Computer Security Day
[Mon] “Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King” world premiere (Wellington NZ)
[Mon] World AIDS Day
This Week Is . . . National Cookie Week
This Month Is . . . Christmas Seal Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS QUOTES FROM THE PERFECT WOMAN . . .
• “Let’s rent a porn video tonight.”
• “No no, I’ll clean the gutters. You go to that new strip club.”
• “Let’s subscribe to Hustler.”
• “I love it when you play golf on Sundays; I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.”
• “God, if I don’t get to perform oral sex on you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!”
• “I was wrong, you were right. I’m sorry I argued.”

BS QUOTES FROM THE PERFECT MAN . . .
• “Let’s go to the shoe store.”
• “Why don’t you relax this weekend? I’ll take care of the cooking and housework.”
• “I’ll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.”
• “We haven’t been to the mall in ages. Let’s go shopping so I can hold your purse!”
• “Let’s just concentrate on your pleasure tonight, darling.”
• “I was wrong, you were right. I’m sorry I argued.”

BS TABLOID TEASERS:
Two of the following are actual headlines from trashy supermarket tabloids. Find the fake headline …
GAME #1 –
• “Surgeon Loses $21,000 Rolex in Patient!”
• “World’s Fattest Couple Has World’s Fattest Baby!”
• “Loch Ness Monster Spotted – in Kansas City!” [FAKE]

GAME #2 –
• “Killer Androids Breeding Like Flies!”
• “Man Eats Through His Ear, Smells Through His Big Toe!” [FAKE]
• “500-Pound Supermodel Looking for Love!”

GAME #3 –
• “Overdeveloped Baby Walks From the Womb!” [FAKE]
• “Space Aliens Selling Hi-Tech Weapons to Al Qaeda!”
• “Dangerous New Nursing Home Fad: Wheelchair Chicken!”

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
• How many zeros are in a ‘quadrillion’?
a) 8
b) 15 [CORRECT]
c) 27
Source: “Totally Trivial”

BS DILEMMAS:
• While tidying up, you come across your teenage daughter’s diary. Do you read it?
• An executive at a large company will give you a big contract but demands a cash kickback. Do you agree to pay?
• You’re shaken up in an car accident. Your lawyer can get a large settlement if you exaggerate your aches and pains. Do you?
• After months, the charge for your new TV doesn’t show up on your credit card statement. Do you report the oversight?
• You’re asked to give a eulogy for an uncle who was a real SOB. Do you refuse?

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “A co-worker has an odor problem. What do you do?” (44% of men, but just 22% of women claim they’d tell a co-worker they have a body odor problem according to a survey in “Men’s Health”.)
• “What’s the dumbest thing you ever put on your résumé?”
• “Who starts the most arguments – husbands or wives?” (Married women are more willing to get into an argument than their husbands. A University of California at Berkeley study shows most wives look forward to getting down to issues, while most men would rather avoid it.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Michael Jackson met with his priest yesterday. Not for spiritual advice. They went on a double date.
• So I said to my wife, “I want to be cremated.” She said, “How about Tuesday?”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: For 90% of women, THESE are too small … and they should do something about it for their own good!
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their shoes. A “Health” magazine survey finds 75% of foot surgery performed on women is due to poor-fitting footwear.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
An ‘expert’ is someone who knows more and more about less and less. An ‘expert’ is also someone who knows tomorrow why today’s prediction failed.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s BS!